My elder mom is trying to guilt me into her living with us. She is manipulative and demanding and will not do anything I ask. What should I tell her?

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Do not have her move in with you that would be a big mistake point out her options if she is hard to deal with it will get worse once she gets her way-she will have to use her assets for her care that is how it is done in this day and age and once her money is gone she can get onto medicaide. Senior housing or probably assisted living is where she needs to be and if she can be near you that would be good but not in your home that is out of the question because of her behaivor-my husband had behaivor problens and you can not make things better no matter how hard you try-he was in rehab and was going to go into medicaide pending when he died and when I made the decision to place a big load was lifted I had talked to him until I was blue in the face and he would not change for me but was very nice to others. Lose the word guilt and use healthy decision in your thinking-I have been on this site a long while and most regret taking elders in to live with them.
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Don't back down. Follow your heart which seems to be telling you no live-in, but that you are willing to help her relocate closer to where you are and assist in finding her in-home care. When she taunts you with the "what kind of person...." distractive technique, don't bite, just stick to the fact that you will help her find assisted living, or in-home care as those are her only options. You don't need your Mom's approval to do what is right for you in your life. You still care about her well-being. You can't change her dissatisfaction or her demanding ways. Don't even try. She is who she is, and there is nothing wrong with the sentiments you have shared. Stay the course. Hugs.
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In the past, I was the caregiver for my mother, mother in law and father in law. i had no one to help other than my husband. this was in the midst of raising three teenage sons. Our parents are all deceased now and we miss them terribly. we did it both ways, nursing homes and our home. all i can say is that you and the parent are so much better off when you allow someone else to do the everyday care. it is not easy. there is guilt either way. my husband and i aged very prematurely. at the time we were caregivers, there was not much in the way of help. accept all the help you are offered. i am a christian and i believe that we should care for our parents. But, there is more than one way to care for them. search until you find a place that you would be happy in. do not forget her once she is there. the only person you can make happy is yourself. Nancy
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I agree with Emerald. Stick to your plan. I wish we had found a different solution for my mother-in-law. We brought her to our home from another state, and she resents us for having to move, even though there were no relatives left near her and her only son is here. It has taken a toll on us and our relationship. We feel trapped a lot of the time because we can't just pick up and go visit grandchildren and children when we want to. I know our relationship with her would be a lot different if we could just visit with her instead of live with her. Do whatever you can to keep your lives separate. It is not healthy. We will keep her with us until she is no longer able to care for her needs or we have to lift her. We have her in adult daycare 3 days a week which is paid for by our state. There are helps for eldercare out there if you absolutely have to have her with you, but if you can arrange another avenue, go for it.
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If you've never gotten along, please do yourself and your sanity a favor. Do not let your mother move in with you. You can be of better service to her if she lives elsewhere. My mom and I never, ever got along so when she got ill (no dementia) I thought about it. Then I snapped back into reality. What was I thinking? Sometimes we have to face facts, not all moms and daughters get along. Do you want to ride on the "guilt" train everyday? If you move mom in, you might as well purchase a lifetime ticket on that train because her guilt trips will never stop.
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I agree with Emerald. For heavens sakes don't make things worse by having your mom move in with you. If u can't get along seperate how are you going to get along together. What a nightmare. Know you love your mom but facts are facts. See if she can move closer to you. If it has to be assisted living, well so be it. Know it will take all her assets, but she just may need the close care. If she can move into HUD appartments that would be great, but you mentioned that she may not be able to live alone w/out help. Assisted living sounds about the best bet for you. Know you'll do the right thing...hugs...:)
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Thank you so much..it's hard to stay strong about this. Your words and that big hug I got meant a lot to me.
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My advice? Don't move her in. Don't make it an option. I know you want to help stretch her money, but it sounds like the situation with my mom. We just could not live under the same roof. My mom also would start bossing me around. Look into senior housing near you and tell her what you found. Make that her option. When she starts in "Who wouldn't want their mom living with them?" be firm, but say "me." "I think our relationship will be better if we each have our own place."
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she is 1400 miles from me, never lived anywhere else. Seems to have some dementia problems although not diagnoised. It's not necessary for her to move but she can't be alone. Her mind gets much worse if she feels alone, panics. Her caregiver is quiting and she needs another one or to move here. She said she wanted to be with us but in our house. Small house and she (briefly) tries to run my life when I'm with her, demanding that things operate around her, talks down to others (rude).
Assisted living will take all her money and assets in 3 or so years then medicade only option. In home care would give her about 8 years. When I said I think it would be best for me if she was near me but short time in my home then find a place for you where I can be near, said "What kind of person wouldn't want their Mother with them". "I've never heard of someone not wanting their Mother with them".. This was brief form and I simply told her that I was not certain that we could live togethr, strong personalities and my own health. Told her I didn't want to make promises I could not keep. We have never really gotten along and she makes me feel awful for saying she would probably have to live elsewhere but I know it would not work out. I'm so stressed out and feel so guilty. advise?
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then dont let her move in with you if u guys cant get along .
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