Momsbaby101 Asked March 2012

My mother is about to loose her home fast because my siblings and their children won't get along, get jobs and pay bills. What to do?

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My elderly mother has suffered a stroke in the last 3 years does not speak has lost use of her right arm and has been financially supportive of her 5 elder children and 3 adult grandchildren living with her. So supportive that she is now loosing her home to a forclosure. My family is divided & everyone has financially abused her one way or another & they all point fingers of blame...especially one particular sibling making it extremely difficult to handle any problems at all. While this sibling has proven to be the most combative she also supports heavy traffic in the home and drug trafficking by her children who claim to have legal marijuanna liscenses. I love my neices & nephews and my sibling, but i dont understand them & there total disregard for there grama. Our family is Trully dysfunctional at this point and many of my 8 siblings are too lazy & unrealistic of the reality that my mother is going to loose her home because they can't get it together. Everyone has some excuse as to whybthey are not doing the right thing but theyd like to. Soon they will all be out on the street and some are still in denial and painting a picture for my mother that is unrealistic. My poor mother is so loving and trusting but I trully think she has put faith and trust in the wrong hands or she is clueless and in denial herself. I mean no disrespect to my mother, she is everything to all of us - but at times I endlessly wonder if any of us really do love her though, because if we trully did, why did we let this get so far?!? We have tried to gather everyone for reasoning & a attempt to sell the home before forclosure so at least my mother can end up with finances for perhaps a smaller more affordable home. But the sale was sabotaged by our one combative sibling & her daughter by approaching real estate agents at the exit of their vehicles & chasing them away with our entire family story. My biggest fear is my mothers well being, becoming homeless and sadley becoming financially deprived with nothing. I am so conflicted on how to begin resolving these issues and what the first step to take is. Something must be done immediately or the house goes up for auction mid April and everyone will then have there reality check bounced! I have 1 sibling whom is willing to help financially & my father as well to bring her up to compliance with the bank. Even then they are reneging because it too high of a risk factor and they have there own mortgages to fear & without a promissory note or something solid to have the house put up for sale or ran under a property management they do not want to loan anything. I myself cannot help financially. I am newly divorced & raising two small children on a supported income untill i myself get on my feet & complete my divorce process. How can I get my mothers best interest heard & understood and make my non participating siblings see the light? Fighting has torn us all apart and I constantly fear approaching the subject and my mother with these issues because I am afraid it will give her another stroke. But then again the loss of the only home she has known for years would be enough to set off a stroke as well. I understand selling our mothers home is not ideal but it feels like the only answer right now to end this nightmare & secure the little time our dear mother has left with all of us. We all want her happy and to be with her but she does not deserve to have her last days like this. I want her to see her children & grandchildren support themselves, able to get along loving one another again, doing the right thing and for her to spend her little monthly money on herself however she wants it. We are all in a financial tornado and the target is my mothers home and our relationships with one another. As dysfunctional and wrong as this abuse may seem ironically we are a tight family. I know it sounds ridiculous. It's just that blinders are permanently on some of us and sadly we will never see again untill we are left in the dark. I hope I can have some insight on similar situations although I don't quite think anyone is like ours. This is just the tip of the iceberg for us. The important question is, what can I do to start the process of getting us all on the right track and avoid my mothers home from foreclosing so soon? Please help! I appreciate your time. Blessings.

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JaneB Mar 2012
It sounds like what you need, in order to actually save her home, is different siblings, nieces and nephews. That is the only way to make sure more good money doesn't go down the drain.

I agree with Cattails that the question is where will Mom live in April? And add, how do you make sure she doesn't have them all under her roof, to mooch off her more? Does she get social security? Can your father and other sibling help set HER up elsewhere, maybe in an AL community or adults only community? Maybe with one of them?

Leave the rest of the bunch to figure out what comes next for themselves. Call the police about the drug selling. They will not tell your siblings it was you.

This is awful AND it is the escape route for your Mom. The cost of her staying in that house is to live in a pool of sharks. Since she let them move in, she will do it again unless the new home is too small to allow it. I'd aim for that.

You so clearly love her. She is lucky that a few of her kids turned out like you. So are we all. Sending love.
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Momsbaby: I think it's a little late to try and save your mom's house. I appreciate everything that you said in your post and I think it was heartfelt and honest. I can see you love your mom and your family, but I think, at this point, the better question is "Where is mom going to live when her house is taken away from her?" There is the possibility of family coming up with the money needed to bring the mortgage current. That's if the bank will even accept payments at this time, but some changes would have to be made if the mortgage is to be kept current. With your sibs there, I can understand why others are reluctant to help financially.

With all of the love and tightness your family has, it's a shame that it hasn't been demonstrated responsibly where your mom's well being is concerned. As you said, "You endlessly wonder if anyone really does love your mom" and if they did, how could this have happened. It probably happened because your mom allowed it to happen. I'm sure she is very loving and kind so she indulged her children's bad behavior and never told them no. These children have run her into the ground financially and continue to fight between themselves while she loses everything.

Hopefully, your sibs will learn something from this. Since they won't be able to sponge off your mom anymore, they'll be busy trying to find places to live, grow their weed, etc., and won't have as much time for infighting, at least in your mom's presence. Too bad it didn't happen years ago.

MB, I feel sorry for your worry and grief. This is a heartbreaking situation. It's also one that you can't control and it has a life of it's own that has been going on for years and years. I hope you learn something from this too. It's fine to love your family, but it's another thing to let them ruin your life and finances. There's no excuse for that and there's no excuse for condoning it.

I hope you teach that to your children and I hope you have room for your mom to move in with you. In the meantime, I'd cut my ties with your sibs. Move on and do better.

I'm sorry to say this to you. Maybe others will take a kinder approach, but the facts speak for themselves and it's better to see them clearly than to make excuses. My heartfelt best wishes to you and your mom. If you can't save her, I hope you can save yourself and your children from a repeat performance.

Stay in touch, I do care, but I don't want to mislead you with platitudes. Get strong and do your best. You're forgiven. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
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