My mom lives with my husband and me. Is it wrong for mom to help us pay bills with her social security check?

Have them take her in their home.
Your siblings sound like mine.

They live in CA & FL..and the one in NY where we are disowned me & Mom....'cause of the money. We used her money to put an addition on my house for her...and they think that I've gained by it. I didn't have the money or couldn't re-finance my house to do it...my house was 900 sq ft...so no room for her....we made her a beautiful apartment upstairs which my husband did most of the work himself.....long story.......they feel that she should've went to assisted living instead,(and all of her money would've been gone anyway)....doesn't make sense, at least she is with me, family and she didn't want to go anywhere else.....

Your a wonderful daughter-you have a lot of work ahead of you and money will not cover your care for her-nothing but love can.
I hope you did gain something.
Tell your siblings where to go !! I told mine-just don't know if they got there yet--seems they don't wish to talk to me anymore.
We caregivers seem to always get the s--t end of the stick.
Don't let them get you down.
Do you have POA?

tell your siblings to go jump off a very high cliff!!! You are putting yourself out and they are no where around. Sounds like mine. We put 30 thousand into our home for mom and she paid. Brother better not say anything or she will be on his doorstep!!! Go for it and good luck.

It's hard 'cause they constantly put the guilt trip on me..I told my mother to change her will & take me off of it...since they feel I've gained everything. We're talking maybe $5000 for each kid....good thing she's not a millionaire..or they'd really be pissed......very stressed about this whole thing.

I have the same issue with my sisters. For a year and a half my Mom has lived with me and no one came around very frequently to see her. Maybe once a month or so if that. They only live 15 minutes away. When they found out the amount of money my Mom was giving me they wanted to be in her business then. Unfortunatley it was only her money business not her health business. I also felt guilty and would have done it no matter what amount my Mom decided to give me and I told her that. My husband has since been laid off, it was a decision she made to give me her social security check and keep her pension check. Now my sibling want to pull the rug out from under me when I really need the help. It is more than just paying for uilities, it is docotor visits, change of life style, making breakfast lunch and dinner and making sure she is not by her self for a long time. Again I want to say I would do it for my Mom no matter what, but I am a cook, cleaner, taxi driver, companion, accountant, scheduler etc. I went to an elder attorney and she is drawing up a caregivers contact and said it is good to have also becasue the state could come back and say the money was a gift. So don't feel guilty, you are doing what you think is right for your Mom.

Good for you!!!!!!!

Isn't it funny we are all in the same boat.

Aye, and it's a crowded boat!

Lisaalexis, your mom is quite elderly and has limited funds left for her care. I think in NY they have community medicaid which will entitle you in in-home health care if she qualifies and needs it (but her money needs to be gone). Check with their offices, I think the look-back period for community medicaid is relatively short - less than 6 months. The in-home health care would free your husband up to do his work. What my family doesn't seem to understand is the long-term financial impact on ME - I can't work, so hence no contributions to social security, which will limit my benefits when I am eligible. This has nothing to do with mom's money, but everything to do with mine. You need some legal advice - see an eldercare attorney and make some things legal to protect yourself.

I agree whole heartedly! Get yourself a lawyer and somehow get your mother to give you both durable and medical power of attorney if you don't have them already. Unless your siblings are dirt poor, I can't see where a $5,000 inheritance is all that much.

You need to take care of you and your marriage in seeking to being a good caregiver for your mother.

One more thing, has she been evaluated by a doctor concerning her level of mental competency?

Lisa, don't you dare feel guilty!!! I've been taking care of my Mom for 2 plus years now, & all the money in the world isn't enough to replace the freedom a family loses when having made the decision to become their caretaker. It's a long road.
If your siblings don't like the fact that you're getting a little money from your Mom, tell THEM to take her in. It's a labor of love & it's damn hard!!!

Thank you for all the encouragement. My mother will not have a home health aid..she really doesn't need one anyway...she's just "afraid" of being alone in the house. So the Medicaid think wouldn't help...and she wouldn't qualify anyway..but thank you for that advice. My siblings are not dirt poor...they just feel that I have gained everything...because now my house is worth more. It's frustrating because my husband and I can't go out alone, dinner, etc...

Get someone to stay with her whether she likes it or not! You are in the driver's seat. She cannot be allowed to dictate to you and your husband the course of your lives. She is being selfish. Yes, that comes with old age, but do not let her do it. Mom tried, but I told her go live with your son. That stopped her !!!! Get her a life alert system and GO OUT!!! Send your siblings a bill for your time and effort. That may shut them up too!! My brother does not interfere because if he does, he knows he will be expected to step up to the plate and that is the last thing he wants to do!! Get tough!!!!!!! You will regret it if you don't. Bless you.

Bless you Lisa. We caregivers are all going through similar things. Just know you're not alone. I rarely comment on here, but I go on this site almost everyday. It really helps with my sanity.
Remember - NO GUILT!!!!!!!!!!

my mom gets social security and we ask her for 300 a month my siblings are no where to be found haven't seen them since dad died 3 1/2 years ago they don't need to be asking me for anything cuz I will ask them where were you when I needed you I agree withl lovingdaughter go fly a kite jump off s cliff just leave me the heck alone. I wouldn't think another thing about them the few times I email my sister and say well guess I'll be taking mom out shopping tomorrow after work she never ever ever says anything about mom so kiss my everything.

These sibling disagreements over money and caregiving arise all the time. The caregiver who is in charge MUST get a legal document ( DPOA or Living Will) with copies to all siblings who are not caring for the elder. This is just the way it is. Wait until death occurs and then things could get worse. I personally think that the caregiver should be paid during the caregiving process while the elder is still living and then after death occurs, the money which is left over should be divided equally among all siblings. Of course the fighting will continue. So be it.

he who lives for the money dies for the money

He who lives by the sword?gun dies by the sword/gun

He who lives with his heart?Lives with his heart.

For the first time in my life, I'm so grateful that I'm an only child. My mother is in the advanced stages of AD and it takes more than her check to cover her sitter while we both work, her medicine, supplemental insurance, life insurance, ect. Your siblings should be grateful that you are willing to take her in rather than making you feel guilty. It will get to a point that it will take more than her check to help you take care of her, so they may have to pitch in financially. Try not to worry about what they think and just concentrate on taking care of your mom. You will be rewarded for it.

I'm also glad to be an only child in helping with my mother and have both types of POA instead of my step-dad or step-siblings having those. She did not work very many years as a teacher and thus her social security and teacher's retirement is less than $600 per month. She did get a huge inheritance from her mother back in 1996 when she started paying on a long term care insurance policy which I'm so glad she set up on auto pay. She does have supplemental health insurance through the state employment insurance as a retired teacher.

Do what you have to do to take care of your mother and don't worry about the siblings. At some point this may become too much for you or for her level of health care needs. At that time, a nursing home may have to be an option. If the siblings will not help and she does not have any resources, then she may have to go on medicade to pay for her care.

Oh wow. I've never heard such in-fighting. I 've read that these types of disagreements go on all the time, but whoa!
Wouldn't it be nice if there was some sort of disinterested third=party who could listen to all sides, look at the receipts and see the exact situations and then decide what to do? They're called "judges", as in "courts".