lisaalexis27 Asked November 2009

My mom lives with my husband and me. Is it wrong for mom to help us pay bills with her social security check?

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I have a good f/t job for 15 years, my husband does construction which is intermittent...he has 2 jobs to do which are literally 5 minutes away from home..Mom moved in with us 6 weeks ago.and she outright refuses to stay home alone....so my husband can't do these jobs unless he does them on Sat or Sun which isn't always possible. Is it wrong for my mom to help with her social security check to help pay my bills since hubby doesn't have a stead income because he's her primary caregiver when I'm at work? My siblings have made me feel guilty...and all they care about is their inheritance..we're talking maybe $5000 each....they're giving me a hard time...and constantly telling my mother that I'm using her money inappropriately.

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N1K2R3 Nov 2009
Oh wow. I've never heard such in-fighting. I 've read that these types of disagreements go on all the time, but whoa!
Wouldn't it be nice if there was some sort of disinterested third=party who could listen to all sides, look at the receipts and see the exact situations and then decide what to do? They're called "judges", as in "courts".
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I'm also glad to be an only child in helping with my mother and have both types of POA instead of my step-dad or step-siblings having those. She did not work very many years as a teacher and thus her social security and teacher's retirement is less than $600 per month. She did get a huge inheritance from her mother back in 1996 when she started paying on a long term care insurance policy which I'm so glad she set up on auto pay. She does have supplemental health insurance through the state employment insurance as a retired teacher.

Do what you have to do to take care of your mother and don't worry about the siblings. At some point this may become too much for you or for her level of health care needs. At that time, a nursing home may have to be an option. If the siblings will not help and she does not have any resources, then she may have to go on medicade to pay for her care.
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For the first time in my life, I'm so grateful that I'm an only child. My mother is in the advanced stages of AD and it takes more than her check to cover her sitter while we both work, her medicine, supplemental insurance, life insurance, ect. Your siblings should be grateful that you are willing to take her in rather than making you feel guilty. It will get to a point that it will take more than her check to help you take care of her, so they may have to pitch in financially. Try not to worry about what they think and just concentrate on taking care of your mom. You will be rewarded for it.
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he who lives for the money dies for the money

He who lives by the sword?gun dies by the sword/gun

He who lives with his heart?Lives with his heart.
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N1K2R3 Nov 2009
These sibling disagreements over money and caregiving arise all the time. The caregiver who is in charge MUST get a legal document ( DPOA or Living Will) with copies to all siblings who are not caring for the elder. This is just the way it is. Wait until death occurs and then things could get worse. I personally think that the caregiver should be paid during the caregiving process while the elder is still living and then after death occurs, the money which is left over should be divided equally among all siblings. Of course the fighting will continue. So be it.
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my mom gets social security and we ask her for 300 a month my siblings are no where to be found haven't seen them since dad died 3 1/2 years ago they don't need to be asking me for anything cuz I will ask them where were you when I needed you I agree withl lovingdaughter go fly a kite jump off s cliff just leave me the heck alone. I wouldn't think another thing about them the few times I email my sister and say well guess I'll be taking mom out shopping tomorrow after work she never ever ever says anything about mom so kiss my everything.
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JeanS Nov 2009
Bless you Lisa. We caregivers are all going through similar things. Just know you're not alone. I rarely comment on here, but I go on this site almost everyday. It really helps with my sanity.
Remember - NO GUILT!!!!!!!!!!
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Get someone to stay with her whether she likes it or not! You are in the driver's seat. She cannot be allowed to dictate to you and your husband the course of your lives. She is being selfish. Yes, that comes with old age, but do not let her do it. Mom tried, but I told her go live with your son. That stopped her !!!! Get her a life alert system and GO OUT!!! Send your siblings a bill for your time and effort. That may shut them up too!! My brother does not interfere because if he does, he knows he will be expected to step up to the plate and that is the last thing he wants to do!! Get tough!!!!!!! You will regret it if you don't. Bless you.
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Thank you for all the encouragement. My mother will not have a home health aid..she really doesn't need one anyway...she's just "afraid" of being alone in the house. So the Medicaid think wouldn't help...and she wouldn't qualify anyway..but thank you for that advice. My siblings are not dirt poor...they just feel that I have gained everything...because now my house is worth more. It's frustrating because my husband and I can't go out alone, dinner, etc...
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JeanS Nov 2009
Lisa, don't you dare feel guilty!!! I've been taking care of my Mom for 2 plus years now, & all the money in the world isn't enough to replace the freedom a family loses when having made the decision to become their caretaker. It's a long road.
If your siblings don't like the fact that you're getting a little money from your Mom, tell THEM to take her in. It's a labor of love & it's damn hard!!!
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