Bhenson Asked December 2011

I took mom to hospital for depression today. They sent her home! What now?

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She went to the hospital like her doctor wanted her to. They said it's just old age and not depression. She was very very good at fooling the doctor and seeming like a perfectly normal and kind old lady. They didn't want to hear what she's like to me! Didn't think that crying excessively and getting angry all the time and needing to be with me every minute was depression at all. Just old age. I really want this to stop and maybe it will be me who goes to the hospital next. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I love her so much but I'm exhausted and she plays on my emotions. She knows how to guilt me and it works most of the time. My marital relationship is feeling the weight of this as well as there is NO private time with my husband. She needs to be with me always. No relatives to help and not much money. What do I do?

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skinonna Jul 2013
Sound like she needs a good exam from someone who knows something about depression and dementia. It seems her doctor has a clue and may be able to refer you to someone helpful in your area with more expertise than he has. He can always prescribe an SSRI which seems to help somewhat for some of these behaviors. I would suggest not telling her it is for depression, but give her an explanation she will accept. The acting 'Normal" is common and then following that at home "the bear" comes out from the effort expended. Also the hostility sometimes comes from anxiety. It's a frightening world for someone who sees their control slipping away. But you need to care for yourself and your family first, or you will soon have all the same symptoms. And then who will there be to help..Give guilt a kick in the pants, It won't help anyone. Let us know how you follow up....Make sure you do follow up...Call her doctor back today and request the referral...You might say...I know something is wrong and I need help...I can't deal with this anymore... a little dramatic, but otherwise sometimes they just don't pay attention.
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golden23 May 2012
Amen to boundaries -she WANTS to be with you all the time, not NEEDS. It is so important to distinguish between the wants and the needs when dealing with someone like this. Decide what you can and want to do, and what you will not do, what time you need for yourself, work on giving up the guilt - it is what she uses to get you to do what she wants, learn about detaching emotionally. It sounds like your mum has become narcissistic -it happens to some as they get older, and some have it all their lives. You can't go on like this, and only you can make the necessary changes. Ask your husband for support in making the needed changes in your own choices, Good luck!
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195Austin May 2012
I agree set boundaries and let her know your own family -your husband needs you to be there for him-I think taking her to a nurologist is the best option and he might be able to perscrib her some meds that would calm her down-and I would call her doc and tell him what happened at the hospital and call the head of the ER and report how they blew you off and why. You do need to try to change her behaivors or you will be getting sick-it is not your job to make her happy-if there is a senior center in the area try to get her involved but I have a feeling she will balk at this idea-she likes to get you upset and have you give all your attention to her-it works for her so you need to counter that with what works for you for a change-she will not be happy not having you all to herself-but you are not happy now-good luck-try it once-not meeting her immediate demand and when it works it will be easier the next time and you will feel like you are in control and that is what you need.
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Sorry - pressed a wrong button and got redirected to another site! As I was saying we just have to 'suck it up' no matter how unjustly they treat us, even though it is emotionally and physically draining, and carry on doing for them as we would normally do anyway. That is not to say that you have to allow her behavior to ruin your personal life. You must set boundaries - she is the 'child' now, and you are the caregiver 'mother'. So exercise some discipline in the sense that you don't have to give in to every demand, nor give her every second of your time. You must distance youself emotionally or you will end up with a breakdown. Mentally block out the emotionally hurtful things she says and does. Keep a schedule/routine to meet her needs, and do for yourself in between those times. When she gets difficult (and you know you've taken care of everything she could possibly need at that point in time), say "you're OK Mom, I love you, I've got to go now, see you/talk to later' love you", give her a kiss (if she lets you) and MAKE YOUR EXIT!! By the time you get back, she will most likely have forgotten what her imagined issues were, and be glad to see you again. Don't forget, your husband needs you too, and you need him. Also as others have said, stand up to the doctors, have a private talk if necessary, and if they do not want to get involved, find another doctor who is more experience in geriatric care. One more thing - if money is a critical issue, look into Medicaid. If she qualifies financially, they will medically evaluate her, and you could possibly get an aide to come in for a few hours a day to give you some respite time. You deserve it! Good luck and God Bless you..
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cmagnum Jan 2012
Save yourself and your marriage by setting some boundaries. You see the game she is playing with her emotional blackmail tactics. Let her dance her dance, but you don't have to dance with her. Does she really need you there 24/7? I imagine that your husband would like to have his wife back as much as you would like to have your life back. Is getting a therapist to help you not be so vulnerable to your mother pushing your buttons? I wish you well in seeing that your mom is safe and taken care of without having yourself and your marriage thrown under the bus.
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bebe10 Jan 2012
I really think your situation is quite common, especially when we have a parent or elderly person living with us. What are your mother's interests? It would be nice if you could help her find something that she could look forward to on her own...something to give her a purpose. Some new friends, perhaps? It is not easy to be the extra person in any situation..I suspect that this is part of the frustration that you mother is feeling. My mother used to get depressed ( mainly because she had to give up her little house and live with me) she missed it and blamed me of course. Being old and having to live with someone else is frightening and almost the end of the world for the one going through it. We have to keep this in mind when dealing with the elderly. Mother got as she called it "blue"...She would get depressed..but her doc gave her some meds that helped her a lot. While I am not into taking lots of meds I do feel that no one should be suffering when there are meds that can help. And if taken along with other measures to keep one interested in life, hobbies, friends, And plenty of love and hugs at home, etc. I think they are a Gift from God. ...they can help put a smile on a sad little face. If I were you ...I would take my mother to another doctor as it does not appear that she is getting the best treatment for her health and well being. I have worked with seniors my whole life and I know so many happy, seniors (they all have various ailments) who are having the time of their lives...I challenge anyone who says that depression is about old age!!! You have to find what is the underlying problem that is causing her tears. Did they check her thyroid? I am not criticizing or anything...just throwing some suggestions out there for you to consider. We do not know the heart of another and it bothers me so much when we often do not give the elderly the benefit of the doubt even if they can be rascals...there is always that possiblity that their tears and acting up has a medical reason behind it.
I admire you for taking care of your mother. You are are an angel. One day you will look back and be glad that you were there for your mother. I took care of my mother who had alzheimer's ..she passed away in 2009. There were times I feared that I would not make it another day...but some how I always managed to come through. I learned a lot about unconditional love and today I am so thankful that I hung in there with her. II often think about the fact that we are all heading in the same direction..I cannot help but.wonder how we will be acting when we have to look old age in the face?? Might we be tearful? How would we like to be treated...I say this because I notice how the doctors and everyone else seem to talk over the heads of a lot of the elderly patients just as though they were't there. I think it is important to keep the elderly actively involved in their life. I hope that I have given you some things to think about that could perhaps help a little.
Many hugs for you dear...just do your best, that is all you can do. Please do try and find some healing time for yourself. This is so important and I can see it will be a challenge for you...but make it happen. Do some meditation...it really helps to energize and relax you. Much love and blessings to you and I will say a prayer for you and your family. God less you! Bobbi Henderson
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jeannegibbs Jan 2012
Double what, rosetindall?
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rosetindall Jan 2012
I think you answered your own question when you said she knows how to quilt you. when you take care of your mom we forget about ourselves and give into them until you just had a wake up call in what you have been doing for her. It took me a while to see it for myself with my mom. Set your boundaries with her and let her no her behavior is unacceptable. please don't take what she says about you personally and separate her illness from it. You are doing a great job with her and always remember you will get double for your trouble.
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The heck with the hospital, go to a neurologist with her and get the truth on whats wrong. My Mom could fool in the beginnings, but soon she will be worse and not be able to. Good Luck, I know how hard it is, been there, still there.
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planeman Jan 2012
Your question is confusing to me. This doctor just told you to take mom to the hospital?.Is he or she an M.D or a D. O. with priveledges with the hospital ? I cannot imagine that the hospital would just kick mom out without consulting with that person? Maybe you and your mom need to consult a different qualified physician.
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