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Thank you lcs
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May there be a loving person to look after you, ksue5036, when/if you need the same kind of care that you are now giving your mother. Wishing you the best.
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Thank you everyone. I am sure all your great thoughts and advice help Heatherj43 because it sure helps me.
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Growing up and living on a farm,I've always took care of the injured,weak and too old to get up and fend for their self amongst the herd,never thought my dad who was so powerful,would ever need the same care.Poop on a farm is just a daily accurance,but when its your parents,you know its the beginning of the end.Actually its a daily occurance in the city also,a goldfish needs cleaning up after.Its just the cycle of life,everyone needs help now and then,some folks are willing to help you and sadly some folks aren't.
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ksue , i didnt know that nancy passed on . my mom watched that show for many years . my sister watches it , i watch it once a great while .

i think what youre saying that its not a normal way to live like a grown up infant . i wouldnt want to live like that , but then again i wouldnt want to die at the early age . leaving my family behind .
it is a cycle way of life . infant to toddlers to a teenager into the adult then be come a granny poo then slowly going back into teenager oh lord what a rough time it is to be a teenager again then it slowly creeps back into the infant stage . wipe my butt plz , feed me plz . waa waaa waaaaa then u sleep and sleep and off to a better place . then the next caregiver s turn to follow that path way of cycle....
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Dear ksue5036, changing your mom's diaper, washing her bottom and feeding her IS normal in our culture if you are her caregiver. When I was a young girl, my mother was doing this for my granny. In a different culture, if your mom was unable to look after herself, she might just be led out into a wilderness and left to die or she might just be allowed to starve to death etc. Our culture chooses not to do this type of thing and instead we either become caregivers ourselves or pay people/institutions to provide care. If a person lives long enough, it usually is normal to require someone to change one's diaper, to do the spoon feeding, to wash one's body (including the "private parts") etc. This is what most of us will need before the end IF we live long enough. This is what is normal in our culture at the present time. As there become more and more elderly for society to care for in the years to come, this may not be the case. Who knows what will be normal then.
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All my life my mom has watched As The World Turns. Well one of the actors died in real life on there. She was very old and been on there all these years. I told my mom that Nancy from As
The World Turned died today. And she did not say a word. I cried and cried. Because on a normal day in what used to be or normal life this would be a big deal to her. Now I don't know what is normal. Changing my moms diaper , washing her bottom and feeding her is not normal.
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Sylvester18 said the truth when writing "this life is just not fair". I think if/when we accept that fact, it is a wee bit easier to roll with the punches. And a philosophical question we also could ask ourselves is "if life WAS fair, would I be better or worse off? Do I deserve better? Do I deserve worse?" Who knows? Who is to judge? Life is what it is and it seems to me that if we help each other get through it, we will all experience more joy. And with that being said, I have to leave to help my husband with something. May we all get through the day appreciating any blessings that come our way. Love to all.
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I am just sitting here wondering when all of US who are now talking about our parents are going to be actually living this ourselves. It is really an adventure I am not looking forward to, and if I can avoid it, that is another question...I am wanting a fast, instant death, while I still have what marbles society says are normal and in tact...This site is a God send. I have heard you guys talk about things that I go through constantly and lcs really hit the nail where it counts, we try every way we can think of to make Mom and or Dad happy, comfortable, we even try to think up ways to enter the world that has become theirs, so as not to offend, upset, or diminish what reality they have come to hang on to. This life is just not fair.
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I just spoke to my sister about this once again. She agrees that we will get a hand held shower head. We already have the bath bench.
I think he can do some of his own bathing and just needs to be told to. Like, "now wash yout face, now your arm, etc.". I am going to try that. I really think the hand held shower thing along with a seat will give him the confidence and feeling of safety that he may wash himself. Geez, I hope so. I don't mind being in the room, but I still just cannot bring myself to washing his privates, especially if he acts embarassed, as my sister says he does.
One good thing is that he forgets it all within 5 minutes, however he does know what is going on for those 5 minutes and its just as embarrassing as if he didn't have short term memory loss.
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I felt exactly the way you did,whenI started having to take care of my dad as far as the bathing and bathroom issues. He had so many scarrs from WW2,I never saw him ever without a shirt,even swimmimg and then KaBoom,I was having to see things I did not feel I should be seeing,as a daughter.At first,I protested,,cried etc.felt as though since I had 2 brothers they should be doing those things.They were pretty useless,got a woman to come in from Home health,she was there3 times a week. Daddy said she could rubb the hide off a mule,so as someone else said I jumped into caregiver mode,thats when I knew no one on the face of the earth could do as good as job as me,cause I Loved him the most.Instead of being embarressed I felt very good knowing if the tables were turned he would be there for me also.We had that kind of relationship.You do what you have to do when you need to do it for the ones you love.God presents us with opportunities to see what we're made of,It's your choice if you take it or not.
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A wonderful CNA who helped my Dad showed me how to wash him without him being embarrassed. She simply swtarted a conversation with him before she started washing and kept looking him in the face all the time, breifly glancing where she was washing. He would be preoccupied with what she was saying and not be uncomfortable at all. Try this technique on other body parts and you will btoh get used to it, them move on to more sensitive areas. It worked for me.
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Thanx all. He isn't able to wash himself at all. He isn't even wiping himself after a bowel movement, although physically there is nothing stopping him, its mental.
My eldest sister seems to have no issue, its me. I wouldn't be bothered having to wash my mom, but for some reason I am embarassed to wash my dad. I know that personally I would rather have a stranger wash me than a family member. My sister feels the exact opposite. I try to keep our own feelings out of this, yet I know my dad would be so embarassed by me washing him. I am the youngest and I just have a different relationship with him than my eldest sister.
He developed a fungal infection at his anus and it needs cream put on 2 times a day. I lie to my sister and say I do it when I am there only because she thinks I am being ridiculous. This infection has been there for 2 years. I wasn't a care taker at the time, but I do know that he could take a pill instead of cream. The care taker at the time, chose the cream 'cuz the doc said the meds cause liver problems. I know he will die of something else long before any liver problems a med will cause.
I think I will change the shower head. That alone will give him more privacy.
I do know a male would solve this issue. I am in the middle of seeing if we can get help through the VA. He served in WWII. Its dangerous for us to be lifting him anyway.
My ex husband lives down the street, but I think he'd be too embarassed to wash my dad also.
I got a lot of great tips and thank you. Its my own issues and I will have to do something to get through it. So far, I lie to my sister and let her take care of all when she is there. I have a lot of guilt over this.
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This is probably a REALLY crazy idea and I have never had to try it yet but... Could you re-name the body parts? For instance, could his nose be named his penis, and his penis be named his nose; his butt could be his ears, and his ears his butt. This would make more of a joke of things and you both might become more relaxed. Or you might give his body parts new names altogether. Maybe his butt could be twins, Tom and Jerry; his testicles, Mutt and Jeff etc. or use some names that fit with the type of job he worked at when he was employed. If he was an accountant, for instance, his testicles could be "debit" and "credit" or whatever. Doing this type of thing might help you both relax a bit and turn wash time into joke time. Or is this just TOO crazy?
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Sometimes just letting someone know that you understand that they're feeling embarrassed helps. When doing the bathing, it helps to talk, sing, whatever, to take their mind off of what is being done.
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tell his doctor that he needs a home attendant who can help him to bathe every day because he doesn't feel comfortable with you.
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If you can get an aid to come it is nice not to have to do it your self. But if you have too. All these suggestions are great. I Bathed mom for yrs. and since it was my mom It was not bad. I still have to change her but the aid baths her now. Good luck
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If you both are embarrassed about it, I would say maybe he needs a male figure to stand in there and help him...if that can't be arranged, then you should invest in a removeable shower head, one that you can take off the bracket and hand it to him to shower himself in the embarrassing areas. If he is capable of scrubbing his privates with the washrag, allow him to do that even if it takes longer. By letting him scrub and rinse his private areas, his dignity of showering himself will be be intact. Get a terry cloth robe to put on him as you get him out of the shower, it not only soaks up the water on his body, but it is also warm and soft.
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i was going thru the same thing . for a while my grandaughter would give him a shower cuz shes a cna . after awhile i join in to give her helping hand then from there i just took over .,
it did bothered my dad and i told him i have to do it or it ll get sore if i dont put meds on it . grandaughter cant come verytime . now i do it all and i dont think of it as embarrisment , i think of it as a job that needs to be done . just doit and be quick about it .
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I as a Home Care provider totally understand what all is saying. I started my business after my dad had passed away so this wasn't an issue. My mom on the other hand liked her privacy but when she got so bad she couldn't do it herself welcomed the love we gave her just by giving back.

My first and only man I helped shower resisted the help, other than his wife, when I first started. She told him I was a nurse and I was there to help as she was not at 91 able to do it all by herself. I was not a nurse only a service but didn't think that was the time to correct her. In time it got easier for both of us. A body is a body and if we can think of it that way all is good.
I do have to ask, can your father bath himself once in the shower or tub? With my client that helped a lot. It helped him maintain a little control even though I was still seeing his butt and penis. He could not get in or out of the shower without help but could use a washrag to wash. I did after a year learn to just tell him OK we need to wash you really good today. I'd talk to him about other things.
I guess if you don't want to hire someone you will have to do as we did with our mom, simply tell him we love you and we want to help you in all things. You changed my butt when I was little and now it's my turn to give back. If this does not help him, ask him would he rather you hire someone.
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Some people are better than others at this but try to act like it''s no big deal and let him feel like it's no big deal. Most of us had your parents take care of us when we were small your just completing the circle. Try to wash one body part at a time and keep the rest covered. Try to get as much as help as possible. If you can take care of your parent or parents it can be rough at times but there are rewards you well see. I do this 24-7 with my mom with some help from family but it's worht it.
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Hi,
My father lives with me and has severe hearing loss(he can't understand what most Dr. are saying..but does not have any
mental disabilities)
and has
been batteling bladder tumors (cancerous) for 7 years. At first
I would leave the room or turn away but as the conditions worsened
and he had to learn to self cath (with my assistance) I had a conversation with him. I am his nurse now and it is no different from any other body part, we need to take care of all body needs. Also when he
goes to a hospital a nurse must check and care for him, this allows
him to be home and we are adults now and I will do whatever it takes
to keep him healthy. This conversation has made all the difference in
the world. Actually, when I got through my personal inhibitions and
moved into the caregiver mode of what was needed, I don't even think
about it. I am careful to be as private and all him dignity.
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