What do you do when an elder parent decides that they no longer want to live?

If your father had terminal cancer and was in pain, would you feel differently about his "rights" in the situation? This is a sincere question, not meant to be argumentative at all.

No, I would feel the same. I believe in the right to die with dignity, but it is clouded in this circumstance when the process of dying is a choice made because life has become miserable. And when the misery is brought on by personal choices -- in this case, loss of vitality because of not eating and self neglect. It is also clouded because people around him are affected by what he is doing. What compassionate, moral, and legal things have to be considered by the people caring for him?

I don't know, Jessie. This is a very serious, very profound question. Individual beliefs have a lot to do with our attitudes, I'm sure.

I was in ICU once for several days, with a life-threatening condition. They came around frequently to assess my pain level. They'd show a smiley face chart and ask me to rate my pain from 0 to 10. I was never in any physical pain at all, but I was extremely, deeply miserable. I wanted to know where was the anguish chart? How come I wasn't asked about that? I wanted to get better and I expected I would. (And I did, obviously.) I did not want to die. But having had that small sample of mental anguish, I tend to be a little more sympathetic to folks who are in that state and who have no hope of a cure.

Your father does not communicate. He is agoraphobic. He has lived almost half of his life in a "doomed" state. Forced contact sends him into a melt down where he is paralized and helpless. He must spend much of his life in deep anguish. I'm not sure that his misery is brought on by his own choices. If a terminal cancer patient in great pain decided not to eat, would that be bringing misery on herself? I really don't know.

People have a right to die with dignity. But not if others have to watch them? So only people who live alone have this choice? Sigh. This is really complicated, isn't it?

My husband feels VERY strongly about not being resusitated in the case of a heart attack. His health care directive also specifies no feeding tube. Since swallowing becomes an issue in the later stages of his disease I realize I may watch him not eat as his body shuts down. Would I feel differently about that than if he could swallow and simply refused to? I don't know, Jessie, I honestly don't know.

My heart goes out to you.

On a somewhat lighter note, a few years ago my husband was in ranting about never going into a nursing home. If it ever got so bad I couldn't take care of him just put him out in the back yard (this was Minnesota in the winter) and let nature take its course. We've had very calm and serious discussions on this topic, but that day I was low on patience. "If I did that, a neighbor would report me, I'd be hauled off to jail, you'd be hauled off to a nursing home, and you wouldn't even have me to visit you. So quite talking nonsense!"

Your lighter note hit it right on the head. It is not just him making the decision for himself. He is dragging others into it. For example, what if he did die because of starving himself and I was arrested for letting him do it. My mother is old and not of very sound mind, so they would probably let her off. Me, I might be in trouble.

Plus, it is hard to watch your parent wasting away when it is a choice, however deep the misery.

mom eats all her food when hospitalized or in nursing home rehab, but when at home with stepdad taking care of her, he depends on meals on wheels and doesnt cook for her. she is malnutrition, but nothing I can do about it. That is her caretaker and her husband.

A lot of your fears come from concern about your legal responsibility. Why don't you check out what those responsibilities are so you don't feel like you're operating in the dark. Start with the National Center on Elder Abuse at http://www.ncea.aoa.gov. Among their FAQs it says that many cases of elder abuse are actually self-neglect. If I were you I'd call one of their counselors and say, "I can't stop my father from self-neglect, I'm scared that makes me liable?" They are the people to help you.

Thank you so much. I got on to my father and told him to just quit it. It is a bit better now. I am bookmarking the link to look into everything later today. The right to die issue is very complicated when other people are involved. If he had visited a doctor and the doctor gave him a week or two to live, it would be one thing. But since he won't visit a doctor, it leaves people around him very vulnerable legally when it comes to making choices. If he begins starving himself again, we may have to take him the hospital for admission to a NH because of liability issues. I wouldn't want to do that. Maybe someone at the link will have some good advice.

For now all is well. Cross fingers.

((((((jessie))))) I do agree with checking out your legal responsibilities. Once you know where you stand in that regard, you can deal better with the emotions that are aroused by seeing your father failing through self neglect.
Personally, at this point in time, if I were in my right or usual mind, which in your father's case includes autism. I would want my wishes to be respected. His quality of life is not good. There are times when one ailment or another (and none of them life threatening) descends upon me that I grow in sympathy for those who want to shed their earthly coil. However, you do have to protect yourelf regarding the law, and what you are obliged to do for your parents.
"Death is a friend of ours; and he that is not ready to entertain him is not at home." - Francis Bacon
I see various questions on this site about how to make a 90 year old more interested in eating and in activities, and I wonder for whose benefit this really is. Seeing a loved one die - quickly or slowly - is never easy. As for the right not to watch them, I am not so sure. When rights are mentioned, I tend to look at what responsibilites are attached. I think your solution of eat here, or you will have to go to a nursing home is responsible. In NHs there are people who are professionals in the care of failing seniors, and will know what the appropriate actions/treatments are. I watched my youngest son, age 23, die after being assaulted. We did what we felt was responsible which was to agree with the doctors that the plug be pulled. Rights seem to fly out the window ar these times. A friend if mine in his late 50s was in his last days of cancer and in a hospital. One morning he said to the doctors he couldn't do this any more. It wasn't that he was in such pain, as that he was just exhausted and miserable. I was staying with his wife at the time to give support, We went to the hospital, and watched while they put him on a morphine drip. Before that, they asked him if he knew what the implications were. He said yes, and indicated for them to proceed. As the morphine took effect, his body relaxed and for a while he looked his old self, with good colour in his cheeks. The end came easily. I had another friend die of cancer in her 40s, and they gave her nothing, and she suffered horribly before dying
No doubt, there are grey areas Are seniors, who are in poor health and miserable, choosing a form of suicide by refusing to eat? Or is their mind and body simply winding down from the accumulated stress of living and illness? Was giving a terminal cancer patient a lethal dose of morphine, ethical?
Jessie, my heart goes out to you, the responsibilities you have with your dad and your mum, and the emotions you are facing. Even when the relationship has not been close , a parent is still a parent.
Let us know what you work out.
jo

I also had a similiar situation also! My 72 yr old mother who is already on dialysis 3 days a week and 4 hours at a time. She has to be stuck by these HUGE needles into her Fistula that they have installed thru surgery to do her dialysis. Then she contracted C-Diff in her stool. She also is a diabetic, who now has a Necrotic Toe, and has breast cancer on top of all that! She has already had 1 lump removed right after Thanksgiving. She still has to have the surgery to remove the toe and needs to have the surgery to remove more cancer cells in the breast! She is also blind and now has a diagnosis of Dementia!! I had no choice as her care requires 24/7 care and putting her in a Nursing Home was the last thing I wanted to do! I was taking care of her at home and I have 1 14yr old daughter who always had to sit with a sitter, or could not let a friend spend the night or even go over to spend the night anywhere! It was rough and Mother resents me more than ever and cannot see why I made this decision! It really hurts when I tried so hard not to have to put her there! She does not love me anymore she sd! I just hold on til I get to my car and then the waterworks begin! Lord, Jesus, help me!!!

Suzi, I have the feeling that she does love you, she was just angry because she lost so much and was losing her home. Sometimes late in life, people lose thought of the personal costs of keeping them at home. I know that your younger mother would not have expected you to sacrifice your life the way you were doing. I don't know why older people often lose sight of this. In your mother's case, I'm sure the dementia and misery played a large part.

Sometimes things are said in a moment that are not really meant. You did nothing wrong, but I understand why you feel guilty. We all do when we are forced to do things against a parent's will. I know you didn't have any other option.

My thoughts are with you. I recently had a friend going through what your mother is with the dialysis and diabetes. It was very difficult. I hope your mother will forget what she said and enjoy your visits with her.

The link provided was so helpful, Joan. Laws differ from state to state about the situation, but letting someone self-neglect is classified as elder abuse. I figure the best way to handle this is to explain the legal implications to Dad and let him know that if chooses self neglect, he will have to go to the NH. As you said, they know better how to handle the situation. This may seem unloving, but I really don't want to end up in jail and court. That would be awful.

Thank You for the kind words of encouragement! It always helps during these difficult moments. My Mother was a strong woman who raised 5 children on a waitress' pay and with no help from our father (sperm donor). She does remember what she sd and she even sd she does not regret it! All she cares about is if I bring her lil' dog up there as often as she thinks I need to! After all the kids were grown and moved out, she told each and every one of us, that her job was done and don't ask her for a "damn" thing. She sd she was not a babysitter, bank, loan officer, counselor but did not understand why her Grandchildren did not want to come and visit her! Dysfunctional! Boy thats an understatement with "OUR" family!!!! No trust from anyone at all, and because Mother suffered and sacrificed a lot back then, she thinks I should sacrifice my daughter for her! That's exactly what she sd!!! I cd not believe my ears!!! But that is B.A.D. That is her initials in her real name! But I still pray and I know God has a plan and I really rely on that every waking moment! Thanks for the support!!! God Bless You!!!

I had no idea that growing old can be so difficult. I too have revisited the idea of Euthanasia but wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts out here about it. I know I don't want to languish but in the case where people "choose" to languish, wishing for death should they have the right to die? I'm not judging one way or the other and I don't want to get into a right to life battle and all of that but if it releives a person and those who care for them, then why not?

Here recently, my Mom has been expressing her desires to rest in peace. At first i wanted to dismiss it as her over exageration once again, but I see now that she really means it. On visit with her this past Fri, she told me that she has nothing more to live for and is tired of it. She said she knows its against God's law to commit suicide but she wishes she could just go to sleep and be done with it.

This hurts me like hell! but I also know that my 96 yr old Dad and my 88 yr old mother are tired. They have their disabilites but choose not to work around them, citing every reason why they cannot do anything. I'm tired too of trying to cheerlead a quality of life for them. I only wish they could rest in peace for they truly deserve it.

What's the answer? I dont know but I know there's got to be a better way.
Peace and blessings.

JessieBelle...

I am deeply touched by your comments. Your situation mirrors what my family experienced with my 84 year old mother. We lost her in April. She had early dementia, high blood pressure, poor hearing, declining mobility but otherwise was in good health. No heart, kidney, lung or cancer problems. Shortly before her death she overcame two hospitalizations and the ailments that led her there. But, due to her lack of eating and becoming weak in the hospital she was placed in rehab, ordered for two weeks. This was to strengthen her so that she could return home and have a better quality of life and to help my father and family. She never returned home. The lack of eating took its toll.

There were no physical reasons for her not swallowing. She swallowed liquids. She had an appetite, but would say things didn't taste good. Upon encouragement she might chew food, but then not swallow. She would spit it out. She could not explain why. Two weeks and one day after entering "rehab" (and several weeks of not eating properly) she was gone.

Your father's lack of eating is the major concern here...from my viewpoint. There are various steps that can be taken with him such as...pureeing the food...eating with him (making it an event) and perhaps feeding him...but those would be short term. So then the only other option is a feeding tube. In my family, this was misunderstood by my father and siblings and was declined as a treatment. IMO they confused the feeding tube as an "end of life" decision rather than a treatment to build strength in rehab and go home...which was the goal of placing my mother in the rehab facility.

Feeding tubes can be controversial as part of living wills (end of life decisions). It should not be confused with using it as a treatment with the endeavor of improvement. But, the use and intent of a feeding tube is often misunderstood.

If your father refuses the use of a feeding tube then there is really nothing more you can do. He may very well be ready to go...he's just not saying it...which would be par for the course. You've said he's not a man of conversation. He may also be trying to resolve this with himself.

It's sad and tough to watch someone slowly wither away. (been there!) But, I think there comes a time that they are tired of life's hurdles. Use this time to get your head and heart around what is coming. You will need to be strong for your mother, and that will help you through it. At least that helped me.

I'll close with a comment a doctor told me concerning a life in decline...it has helped me resolve turmoil in my head and letting a parent go...

"There is a difference between being alive...and living."

At age 91, does your farther have medical issues beyond his high blood pressure, the Aspergers and the agoraphobia? Not in anyway to minimize those conditions, but does he have other additional problems? I'm just wondering if his doctor could decide upon a diagnosis that would allow Hospice to intervene. You dad will die somewhere. Would it be possible for that to take place at home with proper care and assistance and in a legal and open manner? Would it be possible to give him a choice between Nursing Home and Hospice care so that he could be kept comfortable at home?

There is a legitimate medical condition called, "Failure to Thrive", and it happens sometimes because people no longer have the will or desire to continue on in this world. It's part of the dying process. They are tired and no longer hold or want to hold on to the thread connecting them to this world.

Your father is 91 years old. How much longer does he have to live before it's ok to pass on and who should make that determination? Maybe he would feel loved and blessed to spend his last days at home without stress and have his wishes honored.

It may be that you have already discussed this approach with his doctor. If not, maybe you should do so. It never hurts to gather more information. It just gives a greater perspective of the possible options.

Good luck and blessing to you in this difficult time.

The agoraphobia and fear of going to the doctor complicates everything considerably. I have been able to get him to a doctor of some type four times in the last two years. The doctor visits ended up not being meaningful and probably took a year off of everyone's life that was involved. We called the other day about getting home health to come in. His doctor said that first he would have to come in to see him. My father didn't want to go and responded by being in a most foul mood and not eating. The idea of going to the doctor again made him ill. I wish we still lived in the Marcus Welby era when doctors would make house calls. :)

I don't think Hospice could help because there no doctor has given that death was near. My father could probably live 10 more years if he wanted to. I just don't think he wants to. I feel like he has painted himself into a corner... well, it actually more like he walled himself off into it. Knowing my father, I believe the thing he fears most is having to get outside his comfort zone (chair), where he is able to control the environment around him pretty much.

Jessiebelle,
After my Father had the big storke 2 yrs ago, he went from hospital to NH Rehab to full time NH. He was refusing foods and meds, took out his feeding tube. I asked him was he ready to die? Fearing what he might say I prepared for the worse but he said no, he just wanted to be left alone. Well the NH couldn’t chance his behavior, Dad was placed in Emergency Hospice, 2 weeks later he went to a different NH for Hospice care, 6 mos later taken he was off of Hospice care.

Dad is still here, eating when and what he wants to eat on NH schedule. He does not like the food but apparently, he gets enough to satisfy him, he’s not loosing weight anymore and he has regained some of his independence. I take him some of his fav foods or treats…ones he can swallow, he loves that.

I’m thinking, have a conversation with your Dad to find out where his mind is then maybe you can fit eating back into his life. Maybe he needs an appetite booster, or a meal replacement like boost that comes in different flavors. Perhaps a dining companion, or meals brought in? I’m really back to asking him what does he want.
I hoping you find an answer soon.

waddle, what you wrote about being alive and living is so true. It made me sad to read about what you went through with your mother. I know how painful it was. I've known several older people who just lost their appetite for some reason. They weren't anywhere near death, and some had not even lost the will to live, but without eating, their bodies just couldn't keep going. That your mother chewed and then didn't swallow the food reminds me so much of some of the eating disorders that young women face. I don't know if we will ever understand the complex human animal.

I know that you miss your mother. It is a terrible and helpless feeling to watch a loved one wither to nothing when there is no clear reason.

My father ate fairly well today. I hope that it will keep on like this so we won't have to make any drastic decisions. Fingers still crossed.

sumlerc, it sounds like you had good success with your father. Communications with my father are more difficult. He is deaf, so we have to write notes. And he does not communicate very well even when asked. If I ask him what he would like, he responds that he will have whatever we want. But he wants just a little. I've gotten so tired of the phrase "just a little" that I won't to strike the words from the dictionary. :) His meaning when he says just a little means about three bites of food -- not enough to live on. So I give him just a little, but make it enough he can live if he eats it. Most of the time he sneaks most into the garbage when he thinks no one is looking.

He used to supplement his meals with abundant sweets and ice cream, but he stopped doing that. I cooked him a peach pie, but he won't eat it. Nothing tempts him anymore.

As long as he eats like he did today, I won't worry. Maybe he is getting over all the upsets of the past couple of months.

Emjo, thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us. This is a very difficult topic, and it can be very helpful to hear about how others have approached it.

I'm going to offer up a story that has meaning to me, but may offend some readers because it not about humans. Nevertheless, I would appreciate your patience as this was a lesson to me.

This is an animal story about a cat that lived on my street many years ago. He was white and the general understanding was that he had been left behind, at a very young age, when his owner moved. This cat, to our knowledge, lived for more than 17 years. He had a great life; panhandled on our street and several blocks in each direction. We called him "White Kitty", but we learned that others called him "Casper" or "Surgar"; he had many names and many friends.

We really loved this cat, as did many others, and when he reached an old age, he honored us by coming into our home and spending the nights with us during the winter months. When Spring came, "White Kitty" left our home, without so much as a glance back, and went back to the usual life that he loved.

We would see him often, as he always awarded those who supported him with a visit, but there came a time when several days went by with no sighting of White Kitty.

One day I went all over the neighborhood looking for him. I finally found him in some bushes. He was just lying there and could not get up. I took him to the vet and he was quite dehydrated. So everyday I would take him to the vet and they would inject fluid under his skin and eventually he got better. Other than dehydration, there was nothing really wrong with him.

I became very vigilant at keeping after his care. Another lady on our street was equally vigilant and eventually, White Kitty went to live with her full time. He was the only other inhabitant in her home and I guess he found that restful compared to our home that had several other pets.

Time went on and soon he would no longer eat and was suffering. We, me and my neighbor took him to the vet and had him euthanized. It was heartbreaking to do this, but the vet agreed that the time had come.

My point is that White Kitty knew when his time had come and if we had let him determine that he would have left this world at a time that was truly best for him. He had lived his life on his terms, the terms that made him happy, and at some point had come to decide that he would rather crawl into a bush and die rather than go on. The efforts we put into keeping him going; the loving care that we gave him did not give him the life he wanted.

I don't know if anyone can take some sense of humanity from this story, but I often think of White Kitty and my own demise. I hope I have the chance to make a choice that is respected.

Suzi, when you say that your mother resents you more, I gather she resented you earlier before going to the nursing home? I think her dementia has a lot to do with this.

You truly did the best you could and when your mother's care got over your head, you made the best decision possible. I am hearing a lot of guilt for nothing that you have done that is morally or legally wrong.

Speaking of resentment, does your daughter have any resentment over not having had a mom for a while and sometimes not even having her own home from time to time? Since a husband is not mentioned, I guess you are a single mom which makes your life even tougher.

The crying may be anticipatory grief and or even depression which you might need some professional help with. I wish you well.

Your white kitty story makes a lot of sense and raises some important issues.

I think the best way to prepare is to let our choices be known through a living will and make sure others know about it as well as where it is.

Thank you cmagnum. White Kitty is a lesson I will always remember. We are responsible for making our choices known. White Kitty did, but he was just a cat and we ignored his wishes; purely out of love and kindness, but he knew best and had a basic instinct that many of us forget or ignore.

I have taken care of my parents for the past seven years. My mom passed away three years ago. My dad, age 89, now lives with us and needs 24/7 care due to a stroke he suffered last July. He was a very independent person, very much a White Kitty type of personality. I wish he would have made it clear what to do in the case of a critical situation. To my shame, I didn't press him on that matter. I was so tired from the trials and tribulations of my mom's care that when she passed I just was worn out. In all fairness to myself, my Dad could have volunteered his thoughts about the end of life issues and I think he did in some ways, but not clearly enough for me to rule out intervention during his stroke.

I don't necessarily regret the decisions we made, but let me qualify that statement: At the time of my dad's stroke, I felt he was doing everything he could to prove he wanted to continue to live, so I supported that. If he had told me in advance to let him go if such a medical issue occurred, I would have honored that, but he didn't. And since he was trying so hard to get better, we supported that. He spent 3 months in rehab and then we brought him home.

In retrospect, it would have been better, in my humble opinion, if he had NOT gotten all the extra care, feeding tube, etc., because this is NOT the life, or what's left of it, that he would have ever wanted to have. On the other hand, if I had not done the medical intervention, I would have always felt like I betrayed him.

Sometimes us humans only know what we really want when we are well. We know we don't want to suffer. We know we don't want to be something that can only eat and eliminate waste. When life gets to that point or has a high probability of getting to that point, then we need to have some clear directives to let those closest to us know that we chose to go, RATHER THAN TAKE THE CHANCE, that we will continue on in a state that is so much less that what we would have wanted to endure.

The choice to end a life or continue the fight is ALWAYS the major issue. How do you know when enough is enough. You don't!!!! There is no perfect answer. You have to proceed on the wishes of those you are honoring.

White Kitty's life was simple. He just knew it was time. Being a cat, he didn't need a lawyer, he just found a bush and decided to die there. Unfortunately for him, those of us who loved him pulled him back to live on in a manner he had not wanted.

I hope that those who follow our generation are given more concrete guidance as to what our wishes our in our later years. I will be 63 this month and I know I don't want the life my Dad has at this time. I need to make sure that my family has a clear understanding of what my wishes are. They should not have to agonize over choices and then spend God knows how long taking care of me or putting me into a nursing home. Personally, I'm with White Kitty. I should probably put this example into my medical directive. It may be too late for our parents, but it's not to late for us.

Cattails...

Excellent posts. When my mother stopped eating, several weeks before her death, I too thought of a cat, an 18 year member of my life and family, who suddenly stopped eating. I was told by the vet, it could be a temporary thing but keep an eye on her because it's common that cats stop eating when they're ready to go. Except for some arthritis, she was healthy. Her teeth were in good shape and there were no obstructions to prevent her from swallowing. I put her down within the week, as her eating didn't resume.

I am not offended that you use the White Kitty story to guide you, that you learned from it, or that you shared the story with us in order to make comparisons. I get it.
I will take the comparisons further. I can remember having a hard time getting the words out of my mouth at the vet's office, to give them the directive to euthanize Lilly. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing because the decision is so final. I wanted to know...needed to know...that this decision was best for her. I remember telling the vet assistant, who was assisting me in coming to terms, I don't want to do what's best for me. I want to to do what's best for Lilly. That was what was causing turmoil in my head.

JessieBelle's father, IMO, is giving signals, perhaps subconsciously, that he's tired with all his medical hurdles he's had to face. He maybe feeling guilty (especially common with men) and doesn't want to express it. Or, it's an instinctual thing that he himself is having to come to terms with. In other words, he didn't wake up one day and say...I'm going to stop eating. It perhaps is/was a natural thing that he doesn't need as much, doesn't have the desire for food....perhaps he doesn't know. My mother couldn't and didn't explain her lack eating.

Whether or not one intervenes and tries to thwart the continuance of non-nourishment, and the decline that will follow...is the tough question. I agree, his desires should be the guide.

On reflection, the simple answer is, let them go. They're going to find a way to go anyways. You or anyone trying to stop this is just going to make more agony (all forms) for everyone involved. Usually, being brutally honest, trying to keep someone alive against their will is selfishness. It doesn't matter what the diesease(es) is. I think the American culture of saving everyone of everything for any reason complicates the issue beyond reason.

JessieBelle, take a look at compassionandchoices dot com. It is a website for people who chose to die on their own terms rather than prolong a life they don't want to live. They promote a process called VSED, Voluntarily Stop Eating and Drinking. My mother-in-law followed the process successfully when she was taking 600 mg of methadone a day for her pain. She chose VSED as an alternative to bankrupting her estate paying for pointless and ineffective care designed strictly to postpone death and rake money into health care providers. If the shoe fits, by all means put it on. Good Luck. God Bless You.

Thank you for the discussions, everyone. I am in favor of the right to die with dignity. I was more concerned about the legal problems involved because my father refuses medical care. There are liability issues in allowing someone to die through self neglect who is under one's care. My father is eating now. In fact, today he was even hungry and asked for food. I'm not so worried at the moment.

The different situations do bring up the problems with the right to die issue. In cases of assisted suicide where a drug was administered, I've wondered why the person who no longer wanted to live involves people he/she cares about. If the courts decide to pursue it, murder charges could be brought against the helper. In a case such as ours, elder abuse charges could have been brought because he was not under medical supervision in his decisions. Very tricky issues involved here. I did not want to risk going to jail because my father decided he didn't want to live. This is why I decided if he chooses to starve himself, he should do it under supervision in a NH, or at least under the watchful eye of a doctor.

I appreciate your concerns about legal issues and can understand that you don't want to be held responsible for your father's actions. As others have mentioned, talk to your local Area on Aging group and get some legal and medical guidance. It's just a phone call away and you can do it. Talk to his doctor. Talk to Hospice. They are a great source of information. Don't just dig your heels in and say it has to be your way. Educate yourself, even if you assume to do so may go against your principles. It may not and you have nothing to loose in talking to those that have more experience with these issue than you do.

I appreciate that you are in favor of a right to die with dignity, but I think that you might be a tad partial to judging what that means for different people. In some states, people are given the right to chose to end their lives. Why do they involve people that they care about? They just may want permission from those they love, some support, understanding, forgiveness, and the opportunity to say good-bye. Your father is not asking you to assist him in suicide, he is just saying that he does not have a desire to continue living. There is a big difference.

If he is eating better now, then I am happy for you and hope that it continues. My guess is that the issue will come up again and how you choose to respond will make a difference in the comfort he feels at the end of his life.

My heart goes out to you and to your parents. It's no fun to have to face these issues with them, but how we do it does make a difference in their passing.





You have to do what is right for you morally and legally, but examine your heart and ask yourself if you don't lean more to the moral aspects than the legal ones. Get some guidance on the legal issues. Your father will not eat forever. The moral issues and the desire to spare yourself from seeing your father die may be the bigger obstacles for you in the end.

I take care of my mom,my dad past away 2010 it's hard ,I know what you are going through,my mom is 74yrs.old she has C.O.P.D.her Doctor has ask her repeatedly to try and quit smoking she is now on Ox. she has heart trouble ,osteoperoses and may have throte cancer.And she is diabetic,I got her on Hospice so she has nurses come out twise a week and a aide to come twice a week sometimes she doesn't want anyone to come see her or to get a shower.She is only 84lbs.she is getting to where she doesn't want to eat anything,Now Hospice says she has anywhere from 1 to 3 months to live.I am not ready to lose my mom,She's my mom and my best friend in the whole world.It hurts my heart to see that she won't eat .Her nurse says to not forse her to eat.Her nurse has been trying to sign a paper to not be ressesatated if she dies.Tho she is not ready.The nurse is telling her what could happen to her bones like they can break if C.P.R. is used because she is so thin.I love my mom too,And feel for you,Be comforted tho your dad is 90 yrs.old and has lived a long life.I will pray for your situation.Maybe you could get Hospice involved they are very helpful,they can even come sit with your dad for 1 or 2 hours if you have things to take care of or have to shop for grocery's they also help with her prescripions ,and check blood pressure and for swelling,and tempature.So think about it.My mom didn't like the company at first but now she likes to see them sometimes.Hospice has been a true blessing they also help get thier phone bill and electricity bill lowered and for funeral arangements.I'm so glad I called for their help.Your dads doctor can also put in a request for Hospice.