How do I get my grandmother to contribute financially to our housing?

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I have been using my savings for the past two years to care for my grandmother, on the agreement that she will provide a down payment and I will take care of the mortgage. My savings is almost exhausted (by October) and she has refused the last 17 properties I've shown her that will accomodate us both and our pets and allow us both more independent living. (She wants to live alone, but that is entirely unreasonable). She now says she's going to buy rent in a senior-living situation. I have no doubt that her yappy dogs will get her kicked out in the first week. I have done EVERYTHING for her these past two years and now she's leaving now that I've exhausted my savings. What do you suggest I do?

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Many people are not aware that there is rescue available for dogs of all breeds and backgrounds. I am the proud owner of two. They love you more for rescuing them and giving them a good home or just a place to sleep away their later years. They will always reward you with lots of love. Don't mean to take away from the subject of elderly parents, etc., but sometimes the hardest thing for elderly people is what will happen to their pets. My friend has been kind enough to take in a dog when an elder had to have surgery, etc., and rehab and then bring it home after things have settled. Their are amazingly kind people out there who will help with pets. Much better than a shelter. Just good to know info.
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Oh Ok, Cattails, I had no idea about rescue groups that take in dogs from the elderly who can no longer care for them. I belong to SEPRA which is an acronym for South Eastern Pug Rescue Association, but these dogs found are mostly abndoned and abused pups.
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Where the dogs are concerned, let me just say that there are rescue groups who take all kinds of dogs in all kinds of situations. A good friend of mine does rescue work and I can't tell you how many dogs she has saved that came from the elderly. It's so much better than taking the poor things to a shelter. They can have new homes and happy lives, regardless of their age and ailments. Just a thought.
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Kate: Let her go. Let her live wherever she prefers, by herself. Someone else can handle the dogs, or they can be given to a shelter.
Do not expect monetary compensation of any kind. Get on with your own life and stop sizing up everyone's financial assets. The best you can hope for is that she will give you some money via her will to take care of the money you've already spent on her. At age 90, she won't be around forever.
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Does anyone have Durable Power of Attorney, who could oversee her funds?
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Kate47, It sounds like Aunt Moocher and Grandma have a lot in common. Maybe that's why she is the favorite daughter. You said you moved your family. Do you have children, a husband? You gave up your job to take care of your Grandma so if she would have put a down payment on a house, who would have been making the monthly mortgage payments?

I hope you can get your Grandmother to reimburse you for your costs. I think she really took advantage of you and I can understand why you have done a lot of crying this week. I agree with Jeannegibs, but I would offer this one last bit of advise: If Grandma decides to call you up again and have you rescue her, (1) Get the money she owes you upfront with a written statement explaining that it is money she owes you. Make it a detailed statement. (2) Get another agreement as to you providing care for her, and that you will be purchasing a house together. Get the down payment in your hands and in the bank before you pick her up.

Let me be really clear, make sure you have the money in your hands and deposited into your bank account before you pick her up. You might need some legal guidance in putting the written agreement together.

If you do all of this and she is living with you again, you must be prepared that she will might decide she wants to live elsewhere again, so things have to be structured so she can't leave you holding the bag again. For example, can you afford to make the house payment on your own AND it's not solely in her name so she can't sell the house out from under you.

Having said all that, it might be best that you leave Grandma behind and just take care of yourself. I hope you can at least get the money back that she mooched from you.
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As the old saying goes,"no good deed goes unpunished." So sad, you were trusting and grandma is probably not 100% together to make any of these decisions. Don't spend anymore on her, especially if this is going to put you in a hardship. Jeannegribbs advice about AL or Aunt Moocher is 100% correct. Just have to stand up for yourself. Good luck
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"Gramma, I want you to be happy. If living with Aunt Moocher is what you want, or if you think you'd like a senior community, I wish you well. Be aware that I will be moving to a smaller place, and all of my savings have been depleted, so I will not be able to take you back in if you change your mind."
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Thanks jeannegibbs! Our family has always been close - like seeing each other almost every day close for always. It never entered my mind that she would go back on our agreement. Why would she? It was win-win. She's been lying to me about her savings. I reminded her that she's told me everything and therefore I know, so don't lie to me. I am taken aback with this hoarding of money. Is this a common thing? Won't she lose it all anyway if she has a prolonged medical problem? She also gets several thousand dollars each month in SS and pension. The family is with me except for the favorite daughter. She feels if her mother's money is tied up in a home's equity, then nothing will be available for her if she should need a new car or whatnot. The more relatives talk to her, the more she lies about her finances. She's expressed the desire to live with her favorite daughter - again. Okay, what happens is that my grandmother ends up calling me in a few months to come get her because she's fed up with her favorite daughter and she's out maybe $30K. Enough of that. Prior to her needing a caregiver, I'd always told her to die broke - spend every cent on yourself, she needn't feel she had to leave us anything. Just be happy. Now, I've left my job and moved my family to help her - and now this. Frankly, I can't believe this is happening. Thanks to everyone for listening. I've done a lot of crying this week.
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I don't suppose you had that agreement in writing?

Grandma can spend her assets any way she wants to, including on financially bailing out one child while sponging off others. Her money, her choice.

You are feeling used because you are being used. Perhaps that was not Grandma's original intention and perhaps she does not understand it that way now. But if she has been living off your savings, on the promise that she'd pay you back in the form of a downpayment on a house you'd own together. She has changed her mind about that, so the only decent thing for her to do (in my opinion) is to pay you back. But she didn't write in for our opinions, alas.

So ... what I suggest you do is
1. Try to get her to honor her agreement by paying you for your expenses on her behalf over the last two years. Would the whole family support you on this? Is there any leverage they could exert to help your cause?
2. If you get some compensation, great. But whether you do or not, get on with your life. Move into something smaller and suits just you and start building your savings up again. Chalk this up to a very expensive learning experience and move on. I hope it was at least rewarding to bond with Grandma and learn more about your heritage.
3. Contnue to be loving toward your grandmother, but avoid ANY financial dealings with her -- not even I'll buy lunch this time and you buy it next time. She cannot be trusted to hold up her end of any bargains. Whether this is due to the age-related befuddlement or a basic personality trait, don't get burned by it again.
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