It's been 7 months since my mother-in-law has moved to assisted living, she is still complaining and it's making life very difficult. Does it ever stop?

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please, I am about at the end of my rope with her....we have so much more going on in the family!! Why does she refuse to adjust?

Answers 1 to 7 of 7
It took my grandmother just over a year to stop complaining. Keep in mind, moving is a big adjustment. If you haven't already, talk with the staff at the assisted living community and let them know she's having a hard time adjusting.
If she's complaining about something in particular that's bugging her, then I'd check into that. BUT if she's just complaining about having to live in asst living, then what can you do? Is the family going to let her go back home or do what she wants to do? If not, then someone is going to have to look her in the eye and tell her (maybe every single time) that she HAS to live asst living from now on. I think everyone needs to get a little thicker skin about this. My mother-in-law also lives in asst living, and believe me I know. Doesn't mean I don't sympathize with her, but it's NOT gonna change. Sorry.
Top Answer
I agree with naheaton....My Mom refuses to adjust to the Nursing Home and it has been over A YEAR. Every time I call her (every other day) I review the reasons why she needs to have 24/7/365 help. My Mom has dementia (among other problems), lives 3000 miles from me and I am an only child. Mom has no friends or relatives and was and still is very reclusive and giving up her privacy was a huge issue for her. You do the best you can, handle what you can and let go of the stuff you don't have control over. In my mind I know my mom is living in a much safer environment than she was when she was living on her own. In my heart I am sad to see my Mom in so much emotional pain. Good luck to you and I pray your MIL will find peace and acceptance.
I also agree with the people who have already answered.My mother was finding life very hard last year. I helped her make a list of what she is truly unhappy about, and we tried to figure out ways to change the things we could. I teasingly tell her she has 15 to complain each day and have noticed she does not find as much to complain about. My mother likes to view herself as the mother, so we did the same thing with me. Our gripe sessions very often end in laughter. I think our parents need someone to validate that what is happening to them is so very hard, and that is why they may complain so much.
Joni, is your Mom close by? How often do you see her? If she has dementia she might think she is "lost", or simply confused. Most people have busy lives these days. I would suggest asking all family members to schedule bi-monthly visit to her. From our children being dropped at daycare to our elders in care homes, the human being resorts to manipulation when they are not getting what they want immediately. Can't reason or argue with dementia, so you need to reassure her she is safe, loved, and attended to.
JRW: does your Mother have visitors from your family? Maybe she is lonely. I moved my Mother nearby when her husband passed, as I could not drive the long distance every week and still do what I needed for my family and my other responsibilities. I try to see her every other day, but she is not walking or talking now, so I must make sure she does not have pressure wounds. She is very advanced dementia, but my visits make a difference in her demeanor. It is worth it do help them ease out of this life as lovingly as possible. If you can't move her near you, arrange or make sure she is socially engaged. Good Luck.
Thanks for the kind words Christina, There is no family close to where my Mom lives. She refused to move years ago after Dad passed away and now she is too frail and would not do well in the Pacific Northwest where I live. She is in So. Florida. I have difficulty traveling and probably won't be able to see her ever again. My last trip was almost a year ago. I have hired an elder care nurse to visit a couple of times a month and Mom has a roommate. She refuses to become involved in any of the activities and cherishes her privacy. She won't let the staff touch her. The staff love her at the home and she does appear outwardly that she is OK with others, but to me she gripes and groans about everything. If Mom could have her way, she would live completely alone in her own little place where it is peaceful and quiet! Of course, she would probably have died by now. Long story. Thanks again.
I'm so sorry, JRW. We all have some kind of pain and anguish with our families.
Your comment about letting her live in her own place reminds me of a story my husband ( from Central WA) told me about his Great Uncle. He lived in a pack rat shack out of town and was 108 years old. He was alcoholic and kept his shotguns loaded at all times. His "kids"--haha, they were probably over 70--thought he would burn the place down or die and no one would know, so they moved him into a nursing home. He died 3 days later. Things were less dangerous in the 50's in Washington and everywhere else. We are damned if we see to their care and damned if we don't. It's who is left--the living--who have to live with the choices.
In situations like this I have learned to say, "OH WELL".
God Bless you, Dear Ones. {{{HUGS}}} Christina

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