Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Made me tough. I would never let her win. Im getting old as she was when she died, one bro and one sister died young. Saving the details for my memoir. Suffice to say, I would never never never never let her win. Or wear me down.

Having a nacr mom has effected me by making me very distrusting, feeling worthless, like I can't do anything right. I have abandonment issues. I never really did anything with my life. I could have made something out of my life had my mother not dependent on me, and made me depentent on her. I think my mom made the decision for me not to have kids...but I don't know that for sure. She always told me if I had a baby that my life would be over, and when I did get pregnant she was so mad I was 33 yrs old. When I lost the baby she was happy and said that it was a good thing.
The good part is that I have a wonderful boyfriend of 15 yrs and our relationship is nothing like my parents. I have very good problem solving skills, and I became a strong person, unlike her. I am honest and I care how I make people feel. Most of all, I found God.
My brother turn out to be just like her. I thank God I was not her favorite. It destroyed my brother's life.
And I will do something great with my life. As I said before, she took my childhood she can't have this part of my life! Because I do know that I am worth something!

My 83 year old MIL has two daughters and one son, my husband. The eldest daughter has been kept a "prisoner" in her childhood home and can't function as an adult due to the NPD of the mother. The mother keeps her there by paying her bills. She looks traumatized, almost like she's been in a cult. She has anxiety problems and my husband and I have been told we'll have to pay her bills when the parents pass so she can continue to live in their house. She had one failed marriage and no children and something with the mother's NPD caused her to not desire children.

The other daughter has had multiple failed marriages and she lives away but plays narcissistic games herself, I think without realizing it. She has two young adult children but was never very motherly I'm told.

My husband can't have a normal marriage with me because he feels like he's being unfaithful to his mom by being with me. He married me late in life and had no previous marriage or children. He feels angry and resentful chronically.

Negatives - growing up being groomed to parent, please, second guess myself, and keep emotions in. Positives - learned to read people quite well, found myself in dance and teaching, choose friends carefully and wisely, sought a lifelong mate nothing like either of my parents, parented in all the ways I knew a child needs, and have a very fulfilling family life; set firm boundaries and not fall for any of my mother's tricks.
Now that she's 91, I give what I am comfortable without caving to her tactics. It's not easy because the grooming from childhood is deep seated. I read a great deal about narcissistic parents and how to cope, talk to my support system, and get help when needed, for myself and for my mother. I rely heavily on her doctors and they have allowed me to meet with them privately when I'm concerned about manipulation, pretend illnesses, etc. Amazingly, they are very aware of her tendencies and lend lots of helpful advice and stern admonishment for my mother when needed. She has no one else so she is stuck with me on my terms now. In her case, she is reaping far more that what she sowed and deserves. I would have gone no contact had it not been for her sister, my beloved aunt and godmother, who lived with her until she passed. I figure I will honor my aunt and see this through to the end, making the best of it that is possible. I wish everyone here the best and to regain as much of your life as you can and to be good to yourself. None of us deserved this.

The affects of growing up with a Narcissistic Mother is that you were groomed to meet her every need through all of her tactics to control you. Hopefully, one day you realize this and start to take action to gain your life back. It took me almost 50 years to realize what was happening because so many of these mothers are cunning and manipulative, knowing exactly which buttons to push. It was not possible for me to go "no contact" with her because my beloved aunt, her sister, lived with her. So I slowly added boundaries and held fast to them, as if my life depended on it. And believe me, when my aunt passed away, it did. Now my mother is 91, lives alone with my help two days a week (although she would move in with me in a moment's notice), and I have a friend who helps another day and the apartment has a maintenance man who she calls constantly for help and some cleaning. When she complains, I remind her she has lots of options she's not using, such as in home care, etc. When needed, I am firm enough to scare her. I'm the only game in town and she's learned to accept what I will give her. Because I'm worth having a life and not bowing down to someone who doesn't see me as a person, but as an extension of herself who should drop everything if she wants something, real or imagined. My advice, assess your situation with a strong support group of loved ones and friends. Set your boundaries realistically. Stick to them. Love yourself and your family and have a life you can bear if you have to deal with a Narcissistic Mother whom you can't abandon at this point in her life but still want a life of your own. My heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with this type of mother.

I'd like to answer the question as a son of a narcissist mother. It makes me just want to be alone. It is very difficult for me to be 'always on' as her 24/7 caregiver. Many times I am up in the middle of the night when she is sleeping just to have some alone time. Now that I know about the narcissistic behaviors I am tending to forgive my father for some of his bad behaviors. He was just reacting to her pushing his buttons. After my parents were divorced in 1982, my mother had a live-in boyfriend for 14 years until he died in 1996. He was a very nice, easy-going guy. In going through the papers in the house I come across notes from him to my mother apologizing for something. There wasn't anything very wrong. I have to assume he was saying he was sorry to appease her about some imagined wrongdoing. He had a lot of friends and people who liked him. The funeral was packed with people. I sometimes wonder if anyone will show up at my mother's funeral. That may not be a nice thing to say, but no one wants to visit her now. I coaxed my cousin to bring my uncle to visit for 1 1/2 years. Finally they came and she saw her brother. That was 2 years ago. No one has called or visited since.

Only my opinion, but the effects to daughters of narc mothers are one of two things 1) becomes a narc herself and a mini-me version of the mother, or 2) becomes the family scapegoat by not indulging the narc behaviors of the mother. Between my sister and I, she became the narc and I became the scapegoat. Both are bad. My sister is put on a pedestal for doing nothing, and I am hen-pecked for little things, never doing anything good enough and labeled as bad within the family. It's a tough journey to realize. In the end the narc mother loses because she will have alienated the one who truly would have helped her. It's a story of karma, what goes around comes around, and sleeping in the bed we have made. Sad.

SueC1957

Yes I am grateul. And I'm VERY Grateful that I have found you people on here too.

Johnk6749

I felt the same way when I read the same list. I think they studied my mother too & made that list based on her.

I read an internet article yesterday, "10 Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissistic Mother". I don't know how they met my mother. Every one was true for me. One of them was that they expect their children to take care of them later in life.

Haley,
Be grateful that you "discovered" her problem (and how it shaped who you are) at 43. Some folks never realized what was going on so didn't have the opportunity to correct it.

Now, you've got (at least) another 43 years to make your life better by having this knowledge. (Therapists can help you straighten out what was a very 'crooked' life.)

Lets hope the next 43 are a WHOLE lot better than the last 43! 👍🏽😉

hayley: Narcissists must have control at all times. The false narrative must be maintained. If they can drive wedges between family members, the narcissist can better control their "subjects." They think that by calling you names and lying about you they can demoralize and control you. And you are correct: being the daughter doesn't exclude you from the mind games and slander.

John: I'm sorry you've found yourself as your mother's sole support. My mom too has run off everyone except myself and my sister. No one can stand being around her, and she's mystified as to why. It must be very strange to not be recognized by your own mother, and as her sole caretaker, a lonely job indeed. Even when we recognize what happened, it's soooo hard to reconcile our hearts and minds.

The mind understands. But the heart still mourns what never was nor will be.

I can relate to so much on this thread. It helps me to understand what happened in my life, but the damage is done. Everyone fled my mother's life one by one: friends, relatives, neighbors. Her daughter(my stepsister) decided when she was 37 that she wanted nothing more to do with my mother, and she didn't. I am the only one who has remained loyal to my mom. There are no phone calls, visitors, cards, letters. My mom has managed to alienate everyone who was ever in her life. I would have fled too, but she's the only mother I have. At this point she doesn't know I'm her son.

I just got called an "alcoholic" ..i maybe drink 2 times in a year.. what kind of mother puts down their own daughter ? I'm so sick of her. I did nothing to deserve being called names. The only reason I moved in here was becuz I was needed to help her. Now I regret it. The area I'm living in has absolutely nothing to rent. Most of them are dumps. I really hope that I can get the h*ll out of,here. This is H*LL...

Yeah ...what is childhood ? That is so true. They truly think they are total angels & everybody else is to blame for their sh*t. Like I said I lost my 4 yr old daughter. I had no support. My mother put on this big act like she adored my daughter. Right before she died her & my narcisstic sister were complaining how sickening my daughters voice was. If i bring it up they deny it & call me nutts ???? It's just one thing after another... My mom's memory is getting worse. She gets so mad when me & my dad call her out on it. In her little psychotic,narcisstic,borderline personality disorder mind she's always right & very selfish. She never was any kind of mother...

hayley,

Your comment of no childhood truly rang a bell. Childhood? What was that? I raised myself and did a poor job of it. "Took care" of Mom, too. Being brought up by a narcissist distorted my sense of self to the point, where essentially I didn't know where my mother ended and I began. She groomed me to think I should "stand still" while she used me as her punching bag. She was jealous of all my loves and friendships and sabatoged as many as she could. I call her the love thief. When I got a little older I rebelled, but that only resulted in crazy, abusive punishments that whipped me back "in line." Unfortunately, I made a hasty marriage to escape. Big mistake. I compounded my problem with a borderline husband with narcissistic tendencies, and of course I never got "away from" Mom.

Apparently narcissists can't be brought around to recognize their problem. They see themselves as blameless. Any problem is always your fault; anyone's fault but theirs. It's truly a shame, since the damage they do is so destructive and far-reaching. Years ago, before Mom developed dementia, I tried to get her to join me in therapy. No way. She insisted there was "nothing wrong" with her and psychotherapists were "quacks." So I moved on without her and glad I did. She is still a narcissistic nut job but no longer capable of subtlety. At 92 is is quite overt and in your face with it. She'll go to her grave thinking she's the sun and the rest of us are planets in her orbit.

Can't Dance

I wish their was something that could be done with narcissism that would work or take their craziness to a tolerable level. I I'm beyond drained.... I'm absolutely ok with the fact that I'm no longer her pca ... I knew deep down this was gonna be short term. Her narcissism is just unbearable. I can only love her from a distance. I feel uncomfortable talking about my own mother. But it's the truth...i feel like she robbed me of my childhood. And becuz of her craziness & abuse I went & married 2 abusers...smh... I'm 43 & just realized this.

haley,

I'm so sorry you lost your precious daughter. Unimaginable. (((Hugs)))

I wish modern psychiatry could find an effective treatment for the histrionic personality disorders or better yet preventing them, like a vaccine (just kidding). As so many have expressed, the effects are far reaching, generation after generation. The disorder is so ingrained in my 92-year-old mom that it still predominates, even in mid-dementia. I had once hoped the narcissism would diminish as her dementia progressed, but so far this hasn't been the case.

At a very young age I made a poor first marriage to an abusive man with borderline personality disorder, and paid dearly for it. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. A narcissistic mom and a borderline husband. Imagine the possibilities. We live and we learn.

Mom's personality disorder has caused (directly or indirectly) so much dysfunction in our family: enabling behavior, crippling anxiety and depression, substance abuse. It's an evil, corrosive legacy.

Key words for recovery are establishing Boundaries with a capital B! Limited or No Contact if necessary. Be safe. Be strong. Be well.

I also see a psychologist on August 6th. And a counselor also the same day.. carrying this around is to much...i still carry & NVR got to grieve over my daughter who was 4 yrs old & died in a car accident we both were in... it's a wonder I'm still here....😔

I got fired from her as her pca worker. My replacements are my narcissistic sister and nephew...surprise surprise! She thinks I'm going to give her half of my last check. She's fkn nutts.. why would I? It's my money ..i worked for it. Insane ....This woman should seriously be in an institution. She was all my childhood. I'm relieved I'm done...

Haley,
RUN...and never look back!
🏃🏻🏃🏻🏃🏻

I forgot to mention I currently have a good job as a cna.. and I do have many supportive friends that tell me I don't deserve to b treated like this!

I still am dealing with my narcissistic mother. But I also have a narcissistic sister. They're like twin sisters. Sickening. I recently got fired from my pca job from her. Her abuse & manipulation is non stop. The things that come out of her mouth ( which my sister tells her that are not true). She yells at me & blames me for stuff I never would do. Thru my childhood she was in & out of a,mental institution. I had to grow up at an early age & take care of my siblings. I never have gotten a thank you ..Nothing but hate & abuse. I'm relieved she fired me. Cause when i move out ( I currently live with her & my dad as they both are in need of assistance). I am going to fire her as a mother. I was in a car accident 14 yrs ago & I my 4 yr old daughter was killed by a road rage driver who was NVR charged. I think I have endured way too much. It's time for me. And that's it. Oh & btw my narcissistic mom and sister turn my children against me...smh...

Sometimes it takes a lifetime doesn't it John...? You sound very compassionate and your mother is extremely fortunate to have a son like you! I hope (like e and a lot of us on AC that you can squeeze in some 'happy' time for you!)
Blessings

I just realized way too late that my mother was a narcissist. I Googled narcissistic personality disorder and found an article that explained the 15 traits of a narcissist. My mother exhibited at least 12 of the 15. All my life I just thought I had a difficult mother. She could never keep a friend for very long unless they were willing to put up with her personality and the fighting that came along with it. It seems to me that the NPD transitioned into dementia somewhere in her eighties. She had a massive stroke at 88. Now she is 92 and I am her 24/7 caregiver. Now that she is in the late stage of dementia the NPD is less all the time, but now I understand her life better. Of course, my life is a mess because of it, but at least I understand it better now.

keepingup,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Glad you have a good therapist! Doing the work that comes with therapy is hard, but so worth it!

Amber A, you hit on so many points. Don- know my feelings,but always aware of here. I don't trust potential friends,thinking they will erupt at any time because that's all I have ever known. My particular mother is both neglectful,smothering: you stay in a double bind between am I doing enough to how do I find distance? I am solucky to have a great therapist who fills in for: best friend,consistent parent. You stated the truth and I wish you could find some peacful place, caring person,just something to tell you that you are a terrific human being. My heart is with you, tho I know itsd not enough.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can't trust their own feelings, to the point they can't identify anger or mistake that feeling for something else. They have serious trust issues, especially with other women. They are people pleasers. They don't know how to think for themselves. They have poor self-esteem. They are depressed. The world, to them, is a dangerous place.

These daughters had either one of 2 kinds of mothers: the smothering kind or the totally neglectful kind. Those with the first can't dissolve their enmeshment, sometimes even when their mother is long dead. Those with the second kind feel worthless. Some of these daughters have mothers who swing back and forth between smothering and neglect, creating chaos and confusion in the daughters' minds. They have no idea what to expect or when. What "motherly guidance" they do get is a pack of lies.

I had to cut the ties... My husband and children were relieved that I finally faced it. I had to stop and really analyze the dysfunctional behavior. I can now admit that my mother treated me with no respect or empathy whatsoever. I haven’t read “Mean Mothers” but will soon. The book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D., helped me identify the issues. Good luck to anyone dealing with this issue.

I have dealt with this with my mom, not my dad. She constantly asks things of me and always has depended on me and if I cannot do something or refuse, I live with tremendous guilt. I have a very low self esteem, depression and don’t like my husband even showing me affection. It’s awful.

My mother's extreme narcissism has given me a thick skin. I don't know if that is a positive or negative. I find when I am out any little slights tend to just roll off because I know what's waiting forms at home. On the bad side, I am so used to tending to her needs 100%, so I find myself ignoring my own Dr. Appointments, etc.