2242crst Asked November 2011

What can I do to ease the tension, frustration, and feeling of being a caregiver?

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Being unmarried, I volunteered to care for my father, he passed at 90, but during the 2 1/2 years I did that I never had any help from my siblings, if I asked for some assistance ' the answer I got was you volunteered. At the same time my 33 yo back in in 2006 showed up at my door(he'd been on his own since he was 18, went into the military for 4 years in 1991, then got a job and was on his own until Apr 2006. He moved in but after a few days I knew he was not leaving, after numerous attempts at getting him help, I finally had to have him admitted for psychiatric help. Started on meds, counseling, he has a diagnosis of bipolar schizoaffective . I am in deep depression and can't find a moments peace or tranquility...I at a loss, if I stay here, I don't know what will happen to me, if I leave I don't know where to go, and what will happen to him...and i feel very guilty.. What do i do?

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dnnstpierre Nov 2011
I care for my 90 year old Dad who has vascular dementia. I work a full time job which is my sanity at this time. I am fortunate that Dad has a VA pension that allowed me to hire a retired nurse to come in Monday to Friday. She doesn't have to wash him or feed him I do that before I leave for work in the morning. I do have to feed him at night and get him ready for bed. Night time he is so nasty and rude to me. He thinks I am my Mom who has been gone for 21 years. He can't under stand he can't drive and life the way it use to be is over. This is my fault, I called the cops on him and took his license away. The verbal abuse is torture at times, but I go on. I know this is only a shell of the man he use to be. No one in my family helps me. I am stuck in weekends and nights. I have given up friends, dating and anykind of a social life. I don't know how long he will live, but that is my Dad and I will give to him as he did for me. All we can do is pray to God to bring them home and give us the understanding to hold on when those days seem never ending.
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Advice from planeman is excellent. I agree, because that is what I did. I have been a caregiver for my husband for the past 10 years with Dementia and Parkinsons and he has 8 grown children who let me do it all. There is too much detail to answer here. I am in the processing of writing a book to share some of my experiences and mistakes. I sit now, at 74 years old with poor health because no one wanted to help me. You can't let this happen to you. I understand and care about you. Cathy
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2242crst Nov 2011
Planeman, thank you for your advice. I will pursue. God bless.
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planeman Nov 2011
There is help available through the Veterans Administration. If the son has a disbality rating it is a slam dunk. If not, there is still help available. Call the Veterans Administration. It is listed in the phone book under U S Government.

Running away is not a solution. If you feel guilty now imagine what you would feel later. Apparently your son is relatively helpless. Also, the fact that you are reaching out for help tells me that you want to do the right thing so call the VA and also the American Legion has a program or two and one does not need to be a member to get assistance.. The VA also has a number of homes for vets with problems that makes them unemployable and many of those vets are there for mental problems.
There are some very effective medicines for bipolar sufferers. That, too, is available through the VA and if not totally free the costs are but a very few dollars
Good luck to you. I feel confident that you will get the help that you so desperately need

Planeman
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sosad2 Nov 2011
GET HELP!!! and I say that so you can share the burden and frustration. You need support to ease the stress and I have been there and I think I've found someone to help me this week. Seriously, I do understand,,, last week was the lowest of all lows in this caregiving situation and yes I am alone in it as everyone else wants to get away and that leaves you more frustrated. When I have some peace of mind, I am going to crusade against this act against humanity and leaving the burden to just one person. not right at all.
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I pray and repent of my complaining and anger. I do tell people off because my parents always call me when they need my help. My mom isn't a caretaker so I end up taking care of her husband ( my stepfather.) Right now he is at my house because he was doing so badly in the nasty nursing home that I had to take him out three weeks ago. Why? Nobody else would. So vent away!!
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