smilebeth Asked November 2012

Do you ever enjoy your away time from a parent you don't want to go back?

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My hands are tied with my dad. I help him where i can but have stepped away from burnout. I don't want to return. I used to go out everynight after work for 3 years and now only go out about once a week. All i hear from him is he doesn't want to do this or that. He just wants it to go back to my brother and i doing everything. He can't find anyone for night help. I said i'd help but nope doesn't want my help. He smokes all the time. I quit smoking but this doesn't stop him from lighting up around me. I come up with ideas - he shoots them down. He has a spinal cord injury. I still go out and write his bills and visit with him. It breaks my heart that i can't do more for him. I'm tired too at the end of my day/week. I want to go home and eat. I feel so bad when i do this b/c i know he's suffering. He has choices but he wants to do it his way. His idea is to buy a motor home. I'm like who is going to help you in a motor home? you can't even hire someone for night help. This has been going on for a long time. Its like his way of shutting down a real convo on things. I figure he gets to live out in the country in a rental house and smoke and do what he wants and complain and until he can't do that anymore or the hospital calls b/c he's hurt himself i can't make him do anything. He takes on all his families problems. His mom's health and finances until her death in may. Which means i wrote all those bills and filled out medicaid and medicare and other paperwork. I did it b/c i wanted to help. he acts like i don't use my time well b/c i spend some of it with my fiance. He's proud of me for my job but thinks its too hard on me. Sometimes when i leave i just wish he'd pass. then i'm sad b/c i don't really mean that. I just am tired of the struggle.

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Yes, I enjoy thinking about leaving my mother and ADHD kids and never going back...they arent "kids" really one is 18 and other 16, but they are irritable and not working and demanding..I guess the irritability goes with ADHD. hes always been irratible even as a little kid! I sometimes hear the Bruce Springsteen song..and dream..."got a wife and kid in Batimore, Jack i went out for a ride and i never went back, like a river that dont know where its goin, i took a wrong turn and I just kept going.." sometimes it helps for me to blast that song and sing along. Sometimes I think a prison might sound better....lol
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smilebeth Nov 2012
I have gone to caregiving class. I have been in therapy for a year. I'm 34 years old. My father 58. I wish he could go be in a motor home. i wish he could walk again. I used up my 401K and moved closer 5 years ago to help him. Its just frustrating at times. I have my own place b/c if i lived with him i'd be crazy. Its good to be able to vent here. thanks everyone.
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AZcaregiver Nov 2012
Couldn't have said it better myself, KateAnne. :)
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dusbunny Nov 2012
I think all caregivers want to run away from home a lot of the time. I find myself dreaming of taking a trip with my dog - yes, Eddie, in a RV motor home thing where I take the house with me and it is no one but me and the dog and the quiet. No one needing anything, no one asking anything, just quiet. I figure it isn't that I want to sell my house and leave, I just need some peace and quiet without someone constantly needing something.
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Eddie Nov 2012
I'm in very good health now, but even I dream of living all by myself in a motor home. Maybe it's a guy thing. ... Don't know if it's genetically-encoded, but sometimes I just want to take off. To see all the things I want to see and feel ... on my terms. No one sitting next to me nagging, yapping, and barking all the way about our incompetence at reading maps.

One thing is certain: with a motor home, I can be "homeless" anywhere in the country. And everywhere I go I take my house with me. ... Whatever happens, I'll feel I'm free; lord & master of my own destiny; and totally responsible for my own decisions.
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Darcy123 Nov 2012
Yes
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AZcaregiver Nov 2012
Hi Smilebeth,
Have you ever thought about getting yourself some help? It sounds like you may need to. I go to a counselor myself to vent and try to get solutions for coping. Letting it out in a safe environment really helps. That's why this place is nice too. I know from personal experience that holding in all the negative emotions is really unhealthy, but I admit that there are days when I don't want to go home either on the occassions I am able to get out. I take care of a family member with severe Alzheimer's, so believe me when I say how I understand how it is to be the responsible one in the family. Her kids don't help her, and she lives with us, so it is very frustrating.

Your dad sounds like he is just trying to keep as much control of his life still as he can. He is probably frustrated with his situation and resentful of it too. You sound like you are trying the best you can, but I hope you can get some help for yourself too. You deserve to feel heard and feel better. It is a struggle, I know. Have you ever tried talking to your dad and explain how much he is hurting your feelings? Maybe if he saw how hurt you are and how much you just want what is best for him that he would let down his guard a little. My husband's back is badly hurt too. He has what is called a pars defect, which basically means it is fractured in two places. His doctor told him the only way to fix it is to have surgery, which he can't do right now because he is really overweight. The doc told him he needs to lose weight before he can operate on him. Anyway, needless to say my husband gets pretty cranky from constant pain all the time. I think it makes him feel useless because he isn't able to help us more. Pain and discomfort changes people. When they have gone through it for a while, they forget how it feels to be healthy and normal anymore. It is trying because I know he doesn't want to be snappish with people, but all he thinks about most the time is how much pain he is in. Maybe your dad's pain is causing a lot of his temperment problems. I don't know him, but I do know pain does start to wear on people after a while. Sometimes, I don't think they even realize how much they are hurting the people around them because their focus is on the pain and the limitations it causes.
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