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Dear Agingcare friends,
I am sorry that I disappeared for the past week. My very dysfunctional family struck again. My older sister lives 8 hours away. She became very good friends with my young sister-in-law during my father's illness. My little brother joined them. I have been amazed at my 63 year old sister's ability to tattle, twist information, and start trouble. She never had children and is jealous because I did. I am sorry for her in a way, but I strongly feel that she would have become a narcissistic mother. She acted that way as my sister. The latest incident was the last as far as I am concerned.My father will have been dead for 2 years on July 17. Mother, in the custom of her church, ordered the flowers for the closest Sunday. She also asked my son, who is a music major and is a music worship leader at 20 years old in a small church, to sing and play that Sunday.He led the music at my father's memorial service. My sister sounded very offended when she and I discussed her visit on that Sunday and my son's involvement. I offered for her to sing instead. She made the polite Southern comment indicating that Adam should play and sing. Within two days, she had taken my comment that our family didn't want to offend anyone, involved my younger brother, and started major drama. I promised my father to keep the peace as he was dying. I can't. There is just too much baggage floating around our family with siblings born in the 1940's, 1950's, and 1960's. Plus my mother had a traumatic brain injury four years ago and cannot remember certain events at certain times. To top it off, my older brother who is a doctor, did not follow my father's DNR and tried to control his treatment during his 8 month illness. The hospitals Dad was in complained constantly and finally came to me because they considered my brother's behavior unethical. I am a special education teacher and was not afraid to do whatever was necessary for Dad. We are still fractured due to this, and my brother's license has been temporarily lapsed. I have decided to remove myself from my siblings. I am the only child that lives near mother, and I check on her daily, However,I have arranged for any texts or phone calls from my older sister and youngest brother to be blocked. I have left my phone open to my brother, the doctor, in case there is an issue with mother.My husband, son, and I have arranged for books to be donated in my father's memory for that day, and my son will offer to play and sing earlier in the month. We will arrange to be out of town for a graduate school tour and audition during the weekend that the rest of the family is there. My youngest brother is furious with me and my sister is haughty and wants to be in control. I have always had a different lifestyle from theirs. My husband and I are teachers and my son has played several instruments since a very young age in many different orchestras, trios, etc. We don't criticize their lifestyle choices, They don't like ours. My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the wrong attitude to take? My mother will not understand if I try to explain even though this is about the 15th major incident in less than two years. I will have contact with her, but will avoid contact with my siblings. I think the doctors gave my mother the wrong child at the hospital. :) I do not fit in and never have.

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Rebecca: I am so happy to read your post and at the same time so sorry for the grief and hurt your sibs put you through. I was so concerned when we stopped hearing from you.

Rebecca, I agree it's time to kick these sibs to the curb. It's difficult enough when you have so much responsibility with your mom and have to cope with her memory issues. Why take abuse from sibs who are supposed to have both oars in the water. Blocking call that are hurtful and antagonist seems like a wise decision to me.

You said, "My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the right attitude to take?" Are you asking if your husband and son's attitude is right? I think they should be supportive of you and help you find the resolution that you feel is best for you. (But, I'm not sure I have the question right)

What is the issue with you both being teachers and your sibs not liking your lifestyle? What do the sibs do?

I'm glad that you are sharing more of your life with us. I am so sorry for the brain injury your mom suffered and how it has affected her relationship with reality. What was she like before the brain injury?

Rebecca. I have to get my dad to bed now, but I'll be back. You are a wonderful person and a good daughter to your mom and also to your father, bless his soul. And you are a good friend to us.

Love you and glad you are back. Cattails
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Rebecca: If you are asking if you did the right thing bringing an end to being involved in the endless trauma dramas your sibs enjoy creating, of course you are. You need to take care of yourself. Love, Cat
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Wow! Do I admire you! Your flexibility in service of a goal is inspiring. You could continue the dramatics about who is going to do what at church to commemorate Dad's passing on a certain Sunday, or you could just let it go and do your commemoration on a different Sunday.Which is more important, the tradition of a specific day, or keeping the tribute harmonious? Some people have a hard time giving up any detail of a tradition, and here you are illustrating how it is done.

I'm sorry that you have to severely restrict your contact with certain relatives, at least for now, but I see that it is a smart move. You are trying to keep the peace? I'll bet things seem a lot more peaceful with those calls and texts blocked.

Keep up the good work. Honor your father on your own terms. Visit, help, and comfort your mother. Do what ya gotta do.

You rock!
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Have you done the right thing? It would seem so. Be sure your self protection and detachment extend as far as they need to. As I remember, Mother's Day was a disaster for you, and not just because of your sibs. As to your sibs not liking your lifestyle, it is none of their business. Your husband and son are normal human beings. No one can deal successfully with that kind of drama, other than by detaching and distancing. I don't think there is any need to explain to your mother, and especially since she won't understand it anyway. You are making choices for yourself and your family. There is no need to explain or justify yourself to anyone, Likely your sibs will try to break down your boundaries, but you can get lots of support, and ideas here to help you deal with them. Center on yourself, your husband and your children. (child?) Do what is good for you and your family. Look after yourself. Many hugs and prayers. Joan
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Joan: Perfect!!!! Thanks, Cattails
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So glad you are back Rebecca!!! I too am sorry about the siblings. Been there, done that. I also think your decision to cut them out of your life is brilliant. When I made that decision years ago it changed my life. The jealousy from the sister? It sounds to me like she has regrets about the choices she made in her life. Be proud of who you are and the life you have made with your husband and son! Don't let her bitterness in your life for another second. You don't need anyone to tell you how to honor your fathers memory. Do it your way. And my mil is convinced I was switched at birth. And you know what? I am so grateful I never fit in. Look where I am today. Look where you are today. We are so blessed!
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Thank you so much for your answers! I feel like I have come home.You are all correct. Cattails, I think my husband and son are worried about my health due to my COPD. I fainted one day last week and I never faint. They also feel like my siblings are stealing my happiness when I have to deal with their dramas. Emjo, you are also right. Mother's Day was a disaster with my mother putting a sibling in the mix and changing our plans. I have created my own family over the years, and I plan to continue. to do so. Lisa, you are so right about my sister. The big issue for my family is that they are huge party people. We will have a glass of wine and don't mind when others drink as long as they don't hurt others. We are just a quiet, gentle, busy family that has a normal life except for family drama. It was not present that often when my father was alive. He just wouldn't tolerate it. I have tried so hard to get along and keep the peace, but I just had to withdraw last week.Thank you for your love and the advice from all of you. It has helped. I am crawling out of my dark hole and have stopped feeling like I failed my father. Love, Rebecca
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Rebecca when those feelings come back about failing your father, and yes they will come back, do me a favor. Go to a quiet place and close your eyes and think of him. Then feel his love surrounding you. He's with you. He sees what happens, and he knows you've done your best. And I bet you even hear his thoughts...DAM GIRL, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? and know you are very much loved here. Go to my thread and read about the bank incident. That will start your beautiful smile today, right girls?
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Oh, Rebecca, honey (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))), I saw your reference to your dad, on his deathbed, asking you to keep the peace, and thought "That's humanly impossible." I know you have done all you can, and more than you should have, to try to keep peace, but peace between two or more people depends on all of them, not just one. You can't carry that burden alone. You have NOT let your dad down. I am so glad he was a dad who would not tolerate the nonsense, but look what came out of the woodwork after he died. Not his fault, or yours. I think not looking after yourself would be letting him down more, than wrecking your health in the endless family drama trying to accomplish an impossible task. I don't think he would have wanted that.
That you fainted is not good, and does reflect the stress you have been under. I was forced to distance myself more due to health issues too. I think it is nature's way of telling us that enough is enough, and the time for major change has come. You have listened to your body and are making those changes. Good for you. I felt my family ended whn my dad died years ago. I didn't even go to his funeral, as my sis and mother had already started in on me. This shocks some people, but the stress of their treament of me combined with the stress of his death would have been too much for me to cope with. Instead, I spent a few days visiting him, as he requested, just before he died. We do what we have to do to survive, and I have no regrets.
You mentioned your mother drinking with your brother. That sounded pretty unhealthy to me, and I am like you - a drink once in a while is fine, but don't hurt yourself or others. Your mum is very fortunate to have you nearby. I am not sure that the reverse is true. Do what you feel you have to do, but don't get sucked into the dramas or games. Family, to me, are the people who treat me well, and care for me, and my wellbeing. My sig other's question has been "Are you the only sane one in your family?" I am so glad he met my cousins who are "normal" people. I know your mum has a brain injury, but it seems to me she also makes some unhealthy choices that affect you negatively. Visit as often as is good for you, if you need more time to yourself, that is OK. too.
Hipe you are having a great week in your new found freedom.
Joan ♥
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I don't think you failed your father. You Did Try to keep the peace. All relationships involve give and take. You can't make a relationship work if you're the only one trying. If your sis/bro are like my mom's siblings (our aunts/uncles), perhaps they look down on you and hubby cuz your "just teachers?" My mom was a homemaker while dad was just a warehouse clerk. They had Government Jobs. They treated us as slaves and mom was always ignored. As an adult, I avoid them. Can you believe they're just as hurtful now as they were then?

I'm the neutral one in the family. Everyone can talk to me, tell me their problems, etc. because I'm a good listener. So not only am I and my oldest sis taking the burden of the parents, my family also talk to me of their problems, etc..

Jeanne gave me some very good advice because I was becoming so bitter, resentful and angry towards siblings for not helping us. She said that I can change my situation. That I have options. She told me to give up my bitterness towards my Dear Brother of Next Door. I keep telling myself that all my siblings have their own life and they chose not to help. So, I've decided that I need relationships where it's a give/take. I no longer want a one-sided kind. I'm still trying to figure out how to back off or cut down with my family relationship. I will always remain resentful if they keep coming to me for encouragement, relationship problems and work problems, etc..and they're not giving back by helping me.

You know what popped in my head as I read your story? Forget them! Yes, they're your siblings. If they want a relationship with you, then they need to start making nice. Based on the years you gave, hello??! You had like at least 50 years of this treatment. I don't think it's going to change any time soon. Forget it! You have your very own family. It's time to put all your effort to them.

Visiting mom? If you know the siblings will be there on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving or Xmas, then visit your mom the day before or after. That's how our family does it. Easter Sunday on Saturday with the in-laws' side and Easter on our side. Your mom ask why not with your other siblings, just say that you want to spend quality time alone with her. Just as your siblings will spend quality time tomorrow.

Well, you needed that week in the dark hole. You needed to hit rock bottom in order to wake up. Now that you have, you can proceed to just concentrate on your immediate family. You take care!
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Rebecca, please let me clarify what I meant about those feelings coming back. To this day I still second guess myself about my sisters. Is there something I could have differently to help set them on a different path. In my heart I know their isn't. Lord knows I did my best. You have too dear lady. I in no way meant that they should pop into your mind. I just meant thru my own experience they tend to every once in a great while. Love, lisa
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I believe you have done the right thing but living the decision a month from now and behond will be the hardest. Love yourself and let the others deal with themselves as well. It will soon be 3 yrs since my mother past and I have not spoken to the youngest of the 2 remaining brothers in 2 1/2 years. His choice not mine. Peace be with you and remember that your dad loved you very much. God Bless.
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All of you have brought me more comfort than my counselor.You asked for some details so here we go. My sister and brothers think nothing of drinking to the point that they either become mean, maudlin, or they just fall asleep. They also constantly pour drinks for my mother who has had issues with alcohol prior to her brain injury and should never drink now that she has a TBI. We will certainly have a glass of wine, but we do not drink to excess. Almost everyone smokes despite the fact there are babies present and my son and I have asthma. They do not move away from us when they smoke, so at least some of the non-smokers will become ill as a result if we stay with them. Asking people to go somewhere else on the 200 acres to smoke is considered bad manners. Also,our son has always been an achiever in several areas. My nephews and nieces have different attitudes toward life with the exception of one niece. They have achieved in their own ways but have a different set of values from our son and the niece. My husband and I are just middle class teachers who cannot afford what my other 3 siblings can afford. However, we have our child in college without debt and he has earned several scholarships. Because there are just the three of us, my immediate family is close and we are involved in our church and community to a reasonable degree. We have a life. It just may not be like theirs. Anyway, I am truly the "odd person out" at any function. However, my husband and I have multiple graduate degrees between us ; we just don't earn what my other siblings do. We love our jobs and are happy. We have tried to be loving to my family. It is not always returned. My sister started this incident which involved alcohol, my younger brother decided to become angry with me due to her gossip, and my older brother will be angry too. I agree that it will be difficult to keep the distance, but this time I have realized just what the drama does to my husband and son. I am going to have to tell my mother at some point, but I think I need to get a little more backbone before I do so. My father would be furious with all three of my siblings. He used to make them go away from the group to smoke. He smoked a pipe but did not light it around babies or those of us with asthma. I appreciate all of you. I should have climbed out of that deep, dark hole earlier and should have told you sooner.
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Rebecca: Your sibs are thoughtless and rude. To smoke in the face of those who have asthma and COPD is a good example of behavior that lacks empathy. That's a big deal because it means they are not capable of feeling another persons discomfort and pain. Another example would be giving your mother alcohol, a completely irresponsible action that borders on criminal. Another example is your sister's need to see you suffer from her wagging tongue. Another is the way your father's last weeks were handled by your doctor brother.

So, unfortunately, you have some very useless siblings who have no true concept of compassion, honesty, or the ability to put anyone else before their pathetic thoughts or desires.

You can not change this bunch of idiots. All they give you is stress, heartache and disrespect. I'm happy that you had a loving relationship with your dad, but you are not a miracle worker. It is not in your power to make your sibs happy or congenial.
They are not little children that have been left in your care. They are grown adult alcoholics who are abusive to you.

Of course your suffering is going to have a negative affect on your husband and son. They love you and want you to live in the world the three of you have created. It's a good solid place; one that is based on love, respect, and mutual support.

There is no reason to carry on relationships with siblings who are hateful, just because they are siblings. To let them continue to victimize you is wrong. It's wrong for your health and wrong for your husband and son.

In my very humble opinion, you are the one good thing that your dad had a hand in creating. Don't let a comment he made bind you to misery. I know he would not have wanted that to happen. Give him credit for being able to understand that you have no power to do what he asked. He would want you to know that you are free to live a happy life with your husband and son and not be the family whipping post. He wouldn't have tolerated that if he was alive and he wouldn't want you to tolerate it in his absence.

For the sake of your physical and mental well being, bring an end to the abuse. Stop having contact with your sibs. As far as your mom goes, you don't "HAVE" to tell her anything. You can make your own decisions and you don't owe her an explanation up front. If your sibs bring it up to her and she asks you about it, just tell her that the sibling relationships do not work for you. They bring too much stress into your life and your health suffers when you have to interact with them and so you have decided to make your health the first priority. If she doesn't like it, then tell her that you appreciate how disappointed she is, but this is your decision and you are sticking to it. You are happy to continue to check on her, but you will no longer have contact with people that hurt you. Maybe she will even begin to understand that she could be on that list too.

Rebecca, we all love you and know you have done your best. You have most certainly done the right thing in cutting ties and looking out for your self. Better late than never. Also, if your therapist doesn't get this and tell you the same thing, it's time for a new therapist.

Love and Hugs to you, my very dear friend. Cattails.
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Lord cat, what I wouldn't have done to hear those words of wisdom 30 years ago. Instead it took me just a few years longer to come to that decision. It came when my drunk sister called at 2:30 a.m. And my 8 year old daughter answered the phone and heard her tell me she was going to burn my house down when we were all asleep. You can just imagine my jennys frame of mind. Listen to what cat just said Rebecca. I never once regretted breaking contact with those abusive bastards. You owe them nothing. You have a beautiful life and family that makes it so worth it. As for having a lower income? Look where their money got them. Look who they are. I'm "only" a school bus driver. And I take so much pride in the small differences I make in their lives. Look how many lives you and your husband have touched and the pride you feel that you brought your boy up with those same values. You have done great Rebecca.
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Hi Rebecca, just want to say hello and asked how you are doing. I hope you woke with a smile on your face to a beautiful day!!! Thinking of you. Much love, lisa
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I sent an email but it did not go through. I will write it again when I come home. Rebecca
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Well, I thought it couldn't become more hostile but I was wrong. I have just been ignoring my siblings and started making a few changes in my life until Friday. That evening, my sister- in-law decided that she would create drama. She was as ugly as she could be while she did so. While my father was in the highest level of vent care for eight months, many bills were accumulated. My husband and I paid the most serious with all siblings making a promise of paying their shares. Mind you, my little brother accepted a job out of the country three week before Dad died. The job paid several hundred thousand dollars. He claimed that he was taking the job so he could help. Actually, unless his job is similar to his 21 years in special ops., he is not happy. That is his opinion ,not just mine. Well, he paid his share which was 5,000 dollars, but his very young wife has decided that we are lying and she wants all of the money back .... now. She wrote me 4 of the ugliest emails I have read in a long time. She also admitted that she and my sister do not like me. My older sister would have made a fantastic "mean girl" in high school and probably was. The two of them call each other and create trouble or embarrassment me. My brothers never became involved. I wrote a courteous letter basically saying I love you, I will pray for you, but stay away from me unless we need to help Mom. This went on for two days until I stopped responding. I no longer want anything to do with my siblings and will find new ones. :) I told them to leave Mom out of it. She would want to fix it and she can't. I have been an idiot to tolerate all the bullying for years. I am going to learn how to have fun and a much smaller phone bill. Love to all.... Rebecca
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" I am going to learn how to have fun and a much smaller phone bill." Fabuous goals! Worth a lot of hard work to acheive, too.

Good luck to you!
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Rebecca: I'm sure the costs of your dad's medical are documented and could be sent US mail to each sib. I also would guess that you did that long ago.

Yeah for the fun and smaller phone bill. Don't respond to any more emails. Don't expect them to leave your mom out of it because I don't think it's their style. I put my thoughts about that in my previous post.

Rebecca, you are a smart lady and you have a great family. If you want a sister, I'll be glad to be that for you as will many others. Be happy. You have so much more love in your life than your sibs. Take that blessing and be grateful. Leave the rest behind.

Love, Cattails
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Rebecca, you can respond to all siblings one last time. If you have a file on all your dad's expenses that you paid 100% and those still pending payment, I would add it All Up, Total it and then divide it among you all. Then, alert ALL family members (including your brothers) and say, if you want to be nitpicking, here is the TOTAL COST of Dad's expenses. By splitting the expense, this will be Everyone's Actual Cost. All your asking is this $$ (which you're trying for right now). But if they want to be nitpicky or difficult, this is Actually the Total Cost of Dad's Expense. Say that you have all receipts/invoices and would be Happy to send Each of them copies. You can always photocopy it and send it Registered. Or scan and email it to them. I dump most of parents' expenses in the shoe box. It's useless to keep receipts for pampers, wipes, etc...because most stores now use those cheap receipts that eventually fades.
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You are not alone. I am the youngest of 5, they are in their 60's and I am 49. I feel completely out of touch with them. Drama, drama, and drama. One older sister doesnt' want to be "in charge" on paper, but she always wants to be the director and tell you what you should be doing. Also, when you don't agree with my family, they take low blows and begin talking about me and my family which have no relevance to the situation at hand. I have decided in order to maintain happiness and peace, I will no longer communicate with them when my mother passes. I don't wish badly on them, but I cannot include them in my life because it always turns out hurtful. I feel because they are 13 years plus my senior, they should be the examples of leadership and nurturing to me. But, this isn't reality. My expectations have always been too high I suppose.
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The problem with ignoring drama queens is that they just cannot stand it. I told my mother the entire story and asked her to let us solve it. I did so because she is spending the weekend with my brothers and his wife and my sister will arrive soon from Ohio. She agreed to let us solve it and promised to stay out of it. During our discussion I discovered that not only did my brother (a doctor) have a copy of Dad's Living Will (DNR) the entire 8 months but so did my mother who refused to sign the DNR at all 8 facilities he was at. She thought it was her choice. He was of sound mind once he woke up from a coma after the initial 3 weeks. They made my Dad's life a living hell for no reason. I can somewhat deal with my mother's behavior; she had a traumatic brain injury. However, I was badgered at every facility as if I were hiding it. Not only that, a lot of this created problems with both of my brothers and their relationship with me. Anyway, I will play rabbit brain and change topics. Yesterday, the sister-in-law who has been the most hateful of everyone, sent me a picture via cell phone which means there is something wrong with my phone block. I was courteous and sent back a "thank you" text. I think I am going to have to move to get rid of the drama.
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I guess they must have been sending you a lot of text/phone calls that it wore out your phone's blocking capability. :) ...Did sis-in-law send photo on a new phone number? Or maybe your phone is getting ready to retire and it's time to get a new one? Whatever is the case, don't get drawn into it. They did some very unforgivable things that is hard to forget. Yeah, keep your answers very straight and simple. Don't give them a reason to respond back. Just concentrate on your mother and your family....take care!
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Dear Bookworm,
Your answer makes so much sense and gives validity to what I am feeling. My mother is so much worse; she had a serious traumatic brain injury 6 years ago and seems to be very normal but her thought processes are lacking in reality and common sense. Her age, 84, is a factor in all of this but, I realized this week that she needs so much help she won't accept. Dementia seems to be a factor here, also. I will not have help from any siblings and she will fight me every step of the way. So, I think I will just have to let social services help me this time. No one else is around to do it, and I promised my Dad I would help her and take care of her. I am going to survive, but at 57 I have COPD even though I have never smoked. I just taught for 35 years and caught pneumonia too many times. I plan to take care of myself. I want my 20 year old son to have the freedom to be whatever he has planned for himself and will help him all I can . My husband hates my family and makes the situation more difficult for me. So, I am going to make myself have some fun, improve my health, and do what I can for those who will let me. That does not include my siblings. Thanks for the listening ear. Take care, also. Rebecca, another bookworm
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Hi Rebecca, if you are anything like myself, I am horrible when it comes to figuring out all the options on my phone. I'm sure there must be a way to block out the pics too. So you should do what I did. I went to my service provider, explained what I needed and they took care of it for me. They even locked in the abusive texts from the nephew just in case I would need them at a later date. If they are all getting together at the brothers house I'm just scared you may be in for a stressful time. People like them feel strength in numbers. So if you find time, please try it.
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I am horrible at figuring out the options and I think your suggestion is wonderful. Yes, I am worried about a very stressful time. The only think I am going to request is that my son be allowed to have my inheritance if they cut me out. I will go to court and reveal some big time secrets if they force me to do so. My uncle on my father's side will help me and so will one of the judges in town. I miss the lake, it is beautiful and 13 acres. I am the child who had spent the most time on the farm and know almost every inch of it. However , I will make certain my child receives his inheritance. I put myself through college and graduate school so the family would not have to sell any part of it. My father wanted to leave me the house and an equal share of acres because he put my other siblings through college and med school for my brother. I would rather live in peace than fight with them for myself. I will,however, fight for my child. The land is worth about 15,000 an acre and there are at least 200 acres. He has been a good kid and has never been in trouble like most of the rest of them. He also took care of my father even before he was in the hospital. Like you, I wish this would go away. Thanks for answering.
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(((((((hugs)))))) Rebecca - don't feel bad that you can't figure out the options - I had a few "senior" moments on the bus yesterday, when I couldn't even find my phone, and my daughter was calling me. The young man sitting opposite me just looked at me rummaging through my purse. Fortunately, as I get older, I get less embarrassed by my senior moments. I do hope your son gets his portion of the estate, and am glad you will fight for him. It is the least your branch of the family should get.
I am so glad you are planning to have more fun, and less contact with the hurtful relatives. I don't worry any more about being "rude" by normal social custom, as I am not dealing with normal people, so, I find, that the same rules don't apply. I am also very glad to see that you will call social services in to help with your mum. Drinking combined with a serious brain trauma is a very bad combination, as you know, and, I would think, would need professional help. Do take time off and take care of you. Time is not endless for any of us. Let us know what fun you are planning.
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Joan
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Rebecca, I'm no attorney but I can't see how they could cut you out of your inheritance. No doubt you will make sure your son is provided for. But honey, I would get my inheritance owed to me. Cut you out? OH HELL NO!!!! Rebecca, please get proactive. Do u have a copy of your parents will?
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Wouldn't it be great to print out the e-mails from the in law from hell, go to an attorney and have him forward those to your brother with a letter of intent to file charges against her if the harassment dosen't stop? Also you could call your local police dept and find out if your town has a unit for Internet harassment. what would your brothers reaction be? I know you said your brothers don't get involved in their snide crap? Is that right?
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