Have I done the right thing?

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Dear Agingcare friends,
I am sorry that I disappeared for the past week. My very dysfunctional family struck again. My older sister lives 8 hours away. She became very good friends with my young sister-in-law during my father's illness. My little brother joined them. I have been amazed at my 63 year old sister's ability to tattle, twist information, and start trouble. She never had children and is jealous because I did. I am sorry for her in a way, but I strongly feel that she would have become a narcissistic mother. She acted that way as my sister. The latest incident was the last as far as I am concerned.My father will have been dead for 2 years on July 17. Mother, in the custom of her church, ordered the flowers for the closest Sunday. She also asked my son, who is a music major and is a music worship leader at 20 years old in a small church, to sing and play that Sunday.He led the music at my father's memorial service. My sister sounded very offended when she and I discussed her visit on that Sunday and my son's involvement. I offered for her to sing instead. She made the polite Southern comment indicating that Adam should play and sing. Within two days, she had taken my comment that our family didn't want to offend anyone, involved my younger brother, and started major drama. I promised my father to keep the peace as he was dying. I can't. There is just too much baggage floating around our family with siblings born in the 1940's, 1950's, and 1960's. Plus my mother had a traumatic brain injury four years ago and cannot remember certain events at certain times. To top it off, my older brother who is a doctor, did not follow my father's DNR and tried to control his treatment during his 8 month illness. The hospitals Dad was in complained constantly and finally came to me because they considered my brother's behavior unethical. I am a special education teacher and was not afraid to do whatever was necessary for Dad. We are still fractured due to this, and my brother's license has been temporarily lapsed. I have decided to remove myself from my siblings. I am the only child that lives near mother, and I check on her daily, However,I have arranged for any texts or phone calls from my older sister and youngest brother to be blocked. I have left my phone open to my brother, the doctor, in case there is an issue with mother.My husband, son, and I have arranged for books to be donated in my father's memory for that day, and my son will offer to play and sing earlier in the month. We will arrange to be out of town for a graduate school tour and audition during the weekend that the rest of the family is there. My youngest brother is furious with me and my sister is haughty and wants to be in control. I have always had a different lifestyle from theirs. My husband and I are teachers and my son has played several instruments since a very young age in many different orchestras, trios, etc. We don't criticize their lifestyle choices, They don't like ours. My husband and son just cannot deal with the drama and the fact it upsets me. Is this the wrong attitude to take? My mother will not understand if I try to explain even though this is about the 15th major incident in less than two years. I will have contact with her, but will avoid contact with my siblings. I think the doctors gave my mother the wrong child at the hospital. :) I do not fit in and never have.

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Hey Rebecca! Hope things are going ok for you. I noticed that the last time you hadn't posted in a while the family were making life difficult for you. Stay strong friend. We are here for you!! Love to you, Lisa
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How are you doing, Rebecca?
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I am sooooo liking this new you Rebecca!!!
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Rebecca - so nice to see sone humour coming out -
"they can play nicely or go to the swamp in the back 30 acres with the coyotes and water moccasins"
Right on!!!!
Sounds like you belong on that property,
It is a new life when we have serious health issues, and I am so glad you are using new ways to deal with the dysfunctional family members. Sounds like your mum is being watched over by many. If necessary. you can call in the professionals to get her to the next stage of her care. I think you mentioned that before.
Yes, this too will pass - one day.
I am looking for a professional who can hekp me with the PTSD. Have you ever worked on that with a counsellor? I want to be further ahead than I am, in terms of reacting to the manipulation and using. Sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
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One last word for the day (my day). If you ask all my 7 siblings, they will all tell you that I'm too blunt. I call it like I see it. They say I need to learn ...to be nicer, gentler, etc...So, we're both on the same boat. You continue what you've been doing. I only mentioned hubby because I think it would be so much nicer if he's With you instead of Frustrating you. Hence, my advice to have him participate with your struggle with the family. Remember, Rebecca, when you married, you became as one. It's just not your fight, it's "our" fight ..especially when it involves your son. Just saying....Later!
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Cattails,
You asked about who is living on the farm now. I was, at my Dad's request, to have the house, move in with my mother and look after her when he died. The house is almost 200 years old, has enough room for 3 families, and is creepy because my mother is a hoarder. Mom does not want anyone to live with her. As the non-drinker in a family of heavy drinkers or alcoholics (someone had to be sober), she knows I will gently but nicely remove liquor, etc. So, I live 20 minutes from her, plan to build on what is supposed to be my share now that we have retired, and Mom lives alone. What she doesn't know is that the sheriff and about 15 couples watch over her and stay in touch with me when needed. She will have to have more help very soon, but I think I will tackle one crisis at a time. I have lived on the farm longer than any of my other siblings and truly love it. But, I can live without it if I need to. No one else lives near it, and my siblings are not happy in a place that is far away from a large city. Oh, well. This too shall pass. Hugs and thank you's. Rebecca
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Bookworm,
You are so right. My husband wanted me to just yell at them and put them in their place when Dad was sick. It is hard for me to deal with the three women because my Dad sent me off to his military boarding school for high school. It had just started accepting girls, and Dad wanted me to have an excellent education while making certain my little brother did not get into too much trouble. So, I fight back in a bizarre way. I understand the male, let's sit down talk it out, get it over with, and move on.I'm slow in picking up the sneaky stuff. My husband and I dealt with his Mother and sister fighting by just listening to both sides and always telling his mother she could live with us if needed.Now, I am playing sweet southern woman who is using all the male aggressiveness I was taught through 5 years of being in a mostly male school. Basically, my message is to not "mess" with my son, husbands, dogs,or upset Mother. I have explained the meaning of true drama to my female members of this insanity. It didn't match theirs. It is out of my character, but I have COPD, PTSD, and a benign tumor on my lungs. I am learning to deal with a new life ,and they can play nicely or go to the swamp in the back 30 acres with the coyotes and water moccasins. You are right on target when you mention the phone .... my husband is fixing it. I am thinking of offering the people who wrote Nancy Drew a new idea: The Mystery of the Missing Living Will. Take care and thanks. Rebecca
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I'm sorry that your husband hates your family....NOT! You sounded frustrated that he's not helping with the situation. Is he being rude to them? Sarcastic? Giving you orders on what to do? Would it help, if you try to see it from His Point of View? If you pretend that it was His father and his mother with the brain injury and how he made a promise to his father to take care of mom, and His siblings are doing those things to him, Rebecca - How would YOU respond? I think it's natural when your loved one is being threatened, hurt or treated badly, a man's response is soooo pro-active. Us females are a bit more catty, back-stabbers, etc...We go at it the round-a-bout way. A man - give him a club - and he will solve the problem straight as an arrow, no detour, no subtlety... :) So, all I'm saying is that it must be really difficult for hubby to step back and watch you targeted via different means (phone, email, new will, etc..) by your siblings. Maybe you can cut down some of those male testosterone by giving him some pro-active project that is helping you from your siblings. Whether it's by trying to figure out the phone blocking system, etc... You know what I mean?
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Wow Rebecca, you need to do it. In Kentucky, anyone in the school system from the board of education all the way to custodian who had a felony is automatically terminated. And the Internet? That is covered by federal laws. Not good for brother. I believe that alone would have them both worried. I'm betting that one simple letter with the letter head from an attorneys office would bring you some relief.
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Cattails, I am so glad to hear from you! I have so many records from my mother's injury. I took care of her for months and my teaching positions for 32 years primarily involved brain injured students. You have just given me so much peace. Thank you!
Hugs to you
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