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Churchmouse. Your rocking propensity remains undiminished. T
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T, stop discussing it! Just nod and smile.

Your mother is never coming to live in your home. The decision is made and irreversible. She can't move into your home without your active consent and project-management, which will not be forthcoming, which you are fully in charge of. So just nod and smile. There's no need to discuss anything unless it flatters her and you feel like it.

My stay-at-home SIL - the one who wasn't quick enough off the mark when it came to running like the wind - once cautiously broached the subject of how things were going with my mother living with me. "I wouldn't recommend it," I said. "Why?"

In fact I didn't need to ask why, I knew very well that MIL had been chipping away at SIL's barriers and was attempting to use my situation as a model. Happily for SIL, the more immediately comparable precedent was her husband's mother, who had only been kept out of their marital home by dint of crucifixes, garlic, and everything short of armed sentries.

Don't fear lunch today, it will be fine. Pretend the upset never happened. Tell her it's lovely to see her. Be extremely busy in the kitchen. When it's over, remind her how lovely it is to have her own peaceful space - perhaps daughter could bring some friends round to rehearse their X Factor routine?
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Hi all. Just a quick update. Last Thursday I took my mum into town. I had resolved to put this idea of living with us to bed once and for all. On her last visit to us she had said to my 12 yr old daughter that it would be lovely if we all lived together. In the gentlest, kindest way I tried to explain how this could never happen. Her response was all I could have asked for. Where did I get such an idea from? Such a thing would be bad for everyone. She had no intention of giving up her independence. Hurray! Of course not. That night despite her short term memory loss she ranted to my sister about how much I upset her. Her response to me was her merely mimicking normal reactions which she doesn't feel apply to her situation. She is coming for Sunday lunch today & I will see if her rage has abated. BTW her rage is not because of my suggestions but because living with my family is her ultimate goal. T
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Churchmouse
Thank you for your articulate, perceptive and finally funny reply. My husband wants to frame it. I felt consoled but also a little more confident having read it. As my daughter would say "You rock". T
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OMG Church mouse. The apple doesn't fall far ftom the tree!! Don't even start on my siblings!!!
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Geevesnc. Thank you so much. Your answer really resonated with me especially the kindness overkill/nastiness. I think mothers like ours really know their mark. If you are kind & welcoming it is only seen as a weakness. I know now that nothing but complete capitulation on my part will please her. I know she would not be above staging an accident or sickness to get it. Like you I have a lovely family life which I know deep down she hates and resents and it's horrible but I know she feels the same about me. I have always stood for whar she despises - kindness love and compassion. What better kind of person to move in with? Chin up,
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Like a reasonable, normal, compassionate person, you hit on what looked like a compromise. Your mother would be comfortably established, near enough to you to make frequent regular visits manageable. You aimed to include her in your life without either allowing her to take it over or unkindly shunning her.

There was just one teeny weeny flaw in this otherwise eminently sensible plan. Namely, your mother.
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The SIL in Oz... well. Let's just say the apple don't fall far from the tree. I'm sure she's fine! :)
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termagent I share your pain. My mother is with me only because DSS was called and she was removed from her home and I was obliged to pick her up. Our mothers sound very much alike. She treats me with hostility and then overkills with kindness. She also acts completely innocent and wonderful when others are around! She is going to Assisted Living on Monday and I cannot wait! However, I suspect it won't last long because she is not used to boundaries or having to be proactive in her own care. I imagine she thinks they will be bringing her meals on a silver tray. Don't give in to your mom. It will be your undoing. If you are like me, you have fought long and hard to find peace and calm in your life and if your mom is like mine (sounds like they are the same) she will do whatever she can to insert herself into your life. Be strong!
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Hello Churchmouse. Thanks for responding. This is going to sound insane because basically it is. I encouraged my mum to buy a flat so near to us because in my screwed-up, exhausted mind I thought this would stop her wanting to live with us. It didn't. Crazier still we bought a 2 bed house ( when we could have afforded more) to put her off. It didn't. Your poor sil. I hope she is happy in Oz...my mum would be on the first plane over and I am not kidding. Take care
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Oh dear God. You couldn't have got her a lovely flat 10 hours from you instead?

One of my SIL's moved 10,000 miles away from my MIL (literally, I mean - she went to Australia). The other, like you, is holding out from ten minutes away thanks to a lovely husband and adamant ground rules. But don't underestimate the strain of keeping those barriers in place.
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I am so delighted that I found this page. It is dreadfully hard when one is put under such pressure, is manipulated and made to feel selfish and uncaring. My mother started putting the screws on me almost as soon as I got married. Every time she hinted at it my stomach would clench with anxiety. She has no notion of boundaries or the idea of a couple needing to be alone (even to have a row). We managed to get her a really lovely flat 10 mins away from me and my sister. she now refers to it as the 'kip' & has relaunched her campaign. When she comes to see us on Weds & Suns we make a big effort to make them lovely days with her favourite meals and movies....but as someone once said 'no good deed goes unpunished'. This has backfired and , I know she wants this permanently - I can see the cogs working in her mind. Surprise, surprise she is certainly a narcissistic personality - our childhoods were h*ll. We are still all reeling from the effects but she has clung to this notion of 'motherhood' which overrides all the cruelty and madness inflicted on her children. I have been hospitalized a number of times because of it. Now I have a lovely home with a man I have loved for 25 years and a wonderful 12 year old daughter. I don't think she can stand it....who am I to have all this??? Anyway the pressure continues. I have never been capable of standing up to her because of her violent temper - if I merely touch on the subject of it she gets angry .( why would I want to live with YOU?) In fine, she has no respect for me but desperately wants what I have. To all you suffering daughters out there don't let yourselves be worn down. You are not obliged to wreck your life for the sake of any other person. Please stay strong. Mary
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I am a 48 year old woman with a 69 year old mother. I live in a rented two bedroom town home with my husband and 20 year old daughter. My parents moved across country 22 years ago because they wanted to be close to us. They have never been financially savvy so they rented in a subsided unit. My father had heart problems at 57yrs old and then got cancer and died. During that time my daughter was 5 yrs old and in part time kindergarten and day care. I worked part time and eventually gave up my job to help care for my dad when he became palliative. He died at 60 and my mom was 55 years old.
I have never had an easy relationship with my mom but during that time it was very difficult and we lost our tempers frequently because my dad made all the decisions financially ( really bad decisions). He told me he was sorry that he never taught her anything but that her anxiety and ruminating constantly deterred him from talking to her. She gets angry very easily which was why I left home and never went back as soon as I left for school, which I worked almost full time hours to pay myself in order to be independent.
At the same time my husband my dad was dying he was dealing with his mothers sickness and subsequent death at 64yrs old across the country. The toll of it all,including my mothers anger and needing to learn to live independently at 55 yrs old has been difficult. She doesn't drive and refuses now to even take transit now at 69 yrs old and in reasonable health. She has acted 80 most of the time she has been widowed, with me taking her shopping every week to get groceries and liquor and going to her non urgent doctor visits, which she insists I go in with her for. Over the years we have not always treated each other with due respect, but I am working on it.
I went back and upgraded my degree so I could get a better job at 45 yrs old and now I have a career. My mom has decided she needs to live with me because they are phasing out her subsidized housing and the housing market is becoming out of reach to buy and rental unit availability is 1 percent vacancy.. I can not see her on the streets, but having her living with me would be almost intolerable. Even if we got another unit with three bedrooms they are tiny and have 30 steps. The only bathroom even has steps up and down to it, which could be problematic for even my husband and I in the future. Mom is use to having things her own way and I know it would take a toll on my health and marriage. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
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Marie, you used the "sharp as a tack" phrase which tome has always been a red flag. It usually means the person remembers and recognizes all familiar people and is generally oriented and can carry on a conversation. But, there is more to brain function than that. There is empathy and judgement and perspective taking. You did not despise her before this phase, which suggests to me she is not just a chronically needy selfish person. She is not happy because of her illness and what age and illness has taken away from her; she thinks you could fix that by being more devoted to her wants and needs. She's wrong of course; she would feel better if she could and would do even a little for herself, but has come to see herself as more helpless than she really is. So, you are not "raising" her, you are catering to her! Maybe too much - part of "raising" someone is doing for them only what they really cannot do for themselves, and enabling them to find ways of doing what they can. Illness, particularly chronic illness, does NOT mean you become entitled to be waited on like a princess or a queen the rest of your life, but that's what she is thinking.

Ask yourself this - if Mom did what she could and you did not feel guilty about not being able to absolutely everything for her, could life with her be good again? If not, then your brother has a point, and she would not be less happy than she is now by moving to assisted living, where she also might not feel as entitled to having everything done for her. Lots of people have some sense that they can't run a staff member ragged 24x7 but a son or daughter they see as owing it to them. You can't right now imagine it, because of the false guilt, but she and you might both be happier with her in assisted living, and she might not be entitled to have the deciding vote on it. But, if that is not what you want, and you thing you can change some things, then by all means set limits that make your life with mom not just tolerable but livable. Think outside the box of guilt you have been living in. I know that is easier said than done. And do realize that "self-absorbed" is a product of fear, illness, depression, and waning social and empathy skills. There may be medication and.or counseling that would help with that too.
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I moved my mom in with me 1/12 years ago. She lived independently in her own home she would never ask for a thing until she broke her hip. At the hospital she said oh I will be living with my daughter when I leave here. It was just automatic for her. Her stay was 6 months at the hospital where she had alot of things go wrong with her. She stayed in my living quarters with me for 8 months and it drove me insane. When my son moved out of his apartment downstairs I moved her down there. She walks with a walker and not very steady on her feet she has alot of health problems but her mind is as sharp as a tack. She has home care Monday through Friday from 8-3 so when I get home from work its all left to me. I only have to give her breakfast lunch and supper on weekends and weekdays just supper. I have to get her in the shower which she can't do herself and change her colostomy bag 3 times a week. But she won't do anything else. She lays on the couch waiting for me to come downstairs for something then yells get me this and get me that. I raised my 2 kids 23 and 29 now and now I'm raising my mother. I hate this situation. On weekends if I have to go out which I normally do. I have to get up early after working all week get her breakfast so that I can be here to get her lunch so I can leave half early to do what I want to do that day. Then rush back to make sure her supper is ready for her. I resent her for doing this to me. My brother would take her every second weekend until August but it got too much for him and his wife as mom is controlling and not a very nice person. She expects to be waited on hand and foot. I don't have anyone else. It's just me and I want out so bad. She ended up in the hospital a couple of times this year and each time she came home she begged me to bring her back upstairs. I told her no mom I can't do it I need my space. She don't see how I need my space. I lost my husband and my brother 6 years ago and had alot of changes in my life and I just can't understand why she would want to be putting a burden on me. I have a wonderful fiance in my life now and he lives with me and she wants to be living upstairs with us. She just don't see what she is doing to me. Actually, she do know because I have told her but she just couldn't care less as long as she is gets what she wants. And it doesn't matter where she is she isn't happy regardless. It's sad to see the last years of her life is making me despise her. My brother told her if she went into assisted living everyone would be happy and our relationship would be much better. But she is too self absorbed to do that. She makes me feel guilty for everything. Sorry for the babbling and there's more I could say but it would be too long. But for anyone thinking of taking in a parent think LONG AND HARD before you do so...trust me
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Icq, it is sure hard to feel OK about yourself when it is your own mother saying what a bad person you are. But I don't think you are upsetting her, I think she is upset and not even keeping things straight like who actually said what about you to her. It makes no sense, and that's probably because Mom is not making sense. Xanax can be disinhibiting and cloud a person's better judgement too. She probably did not have a back up plan for if you said No to her moving in with you. She needs one. You might be able to help her make one, but if your judgement and gut feeling is that her moving in would be a disaster for you and your family, you may very well be right.
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Lucky you have a husband to support you! I am single and live with mum who has vascular dementia and diabetes its her house which makes it worse for me but let me tell you I dont have hubby and kids but looking after mum is 24/7 sometimes my cat gets neglected and I feel guilty i cant imagine doing this with hubby and children so my answer to you is a big fat "NO DONT DO IT" the very fact youre here asking shows you care about your mum but caring and coping are two very different things.
My cats wandering more think hes fed up with this too! LOL and HUG
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Sounds like she needs a boyfriend...see what you can do....She's young...She needs to continue to have her own life. You cannot save a person from themselves.
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I don't think you are being selfish. I am dealing w/a similar situation and know exactly how you feel. It's hard to not feel responsible for our parents' lives but how can we be? It's not our fault they have had a difficult life. That's a huge burden to place on a child. I would not move in with her. You have your family and you are caring for her. She is young enough and mobile. Why should your family have to suffer if she is difficult and makes you feel bad? It's enough to handle her without her there and would only be worse if she would be there all the time. You are not being selfish. You are just protecting your family. So many families suffer because of these types of situations. You have to fight for that. You can still help her but you need to find a way to feel ok about your decisions.
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My Father passed away 2 years ago and my Mum had to come and live with me as she cannot live on her own, as she needs assistance with certain things. She lives with extreme back pain and has severe osteoporosis. She is unsteady on her feet and uses a walker. I moved to a complex that is for the over 50's especially for her so she could make new friends in her own age group (76). (I am divorced, so lived on my own previously.)
She is a sweet, caring & loving person BUT, is so dependent on me to be her filler of lonliness even if she has friends popping in everyday. I do her hair for her every week, make sure she has meals that I cook and freeze in single meal sizes so she can just heat up. Take her to Dr's visits, take care of all her finances and accounts. All this I have no problem with, it is the mental strain.
She is extremely sensitive, and always thinks she is putting one out, or that we are talking behind her back, etc. If, I lay in bed on a Sunday, which doesn't happen often, I had a knock on my door, "when are you getting up, I am lonely."
Sunday If I am home is my only day I feel I can "chill", and my bedroom is the only room that is really my private place. If I choose to spend the afternoon watching TV or resting and reading, in my own space, she feels like I am neglecting her, and I tend to feel guilty.
If my friend (male) comes to visit, she needs to control the whole visit, like he is there to visit her, I know this sounds selfish, I don't mind her being there, but she needs to also understand that ok now let me give them some time alone too, and perhaps go to her room. We have one living room.
She has often mentioned, that she will never go to a home, so I have her for the rest of her life.
I have told her that one day she will need frail care, which I cannot do, and will have to look at going into assisted living one day.
She does not even want to discuss this.
I sometimes feel like I am being throttled!!!!
If anyone has a similar situation, would love to chat. Need to speak to someone who understands. She loves me dearly, and would do anything, but it is the mental strain more than anything.
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I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have never felt kiddos should give up their lives to take care of their elderly parents. Have you checked with a local Health Care Provider to have someone come in to give you relief during the week. If they don't provide this service, they will certainly have recommendations of companies who can allow you a few hours a day or whatever you need to get your own life back.

Do you have family members nearby who could help out. Maybe if not on a daily basis ; they could spend a weekend now and again to give you the time to get away for a weekend or more.

It isn't a matter of being all about anyone...it is about a balanced life for you. You've done a remarkable job I am sure of caring for your Mother; howver, we all reach the point of needing to take care of ourselves.

Our responsbility to our parent is to see that they are safe and comfortable. We need to be physically and emotionally healthy to provide them the support they need.

Good luck and god bless!
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I stay at my Mom's, am her constant companion, make sure she takes her medications and eats every day (we often have dinner out together.) She is 84, I am 60 and I rarely go anywhere without her. She is very forgetful but very sweet and quiet yet I lose my temper with her from time to time and then feel terrible. We share just about everything and it really gets to me sometimes. Before her last fall, when she broke her pubic bone/pelvic bone, ending up in a lot of pain, she was attending a local Alzheimer Day Care and that was great. I am having a hard time returning to that routine even though she is ready. Many days we just sit home with almost zero interaction or conversation. I feel like I am losing my mind, but that it shouldn't be all about me, it should be all about her, since she needs me. I am in such a rut. We had many activities and organizations we belonged to in the past but I'm finding it hard to keep moving.
Wow thanks! Just getting that off my chest was helpful!!
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I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one thinking and wondering if I am a bad daughter for not wanting my elderly mom to move in with me. My 95 yr old Dad suffered a stroke in March and is now wheel chair bound in a Nursing home, my 86 yr old Mom is diabetic, has bad arthritist which makes walking around very difficult, suffers from depression, anxiety etc. my husband and I are taking care of their bills (not financially, we do the paper work) . My husband and I both work and travel alot but I am almost having anxiety attacks thinking about my mom being alone, she's not very social in her Senior living community and doesn't drive. I feel she would be better served in a Nursing home. We have briefly discussed this but I feel guilty bringing it up and anguished about not talking about the elephant in the living room. So LCG...big hugs to you and I pray that you, I and others will find a workable solution so that everyone can have a good life.
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I am a caregiver, a mother of a 10 year old, and work full time as an RN. My mother is at the point she cannot bathe herself well, cook for herself, nor ambulate or be up for any amount of time. I take her grocery shopping once a week for an hour and a half, and she's out of energy. I have thought about assisted living - but she's also Bipolar with increasing dementia. I'm not sure how she would do living with others after living alone for the past 25 years. Money is a huge issue as well. Assisted living's are expensive. She's not quite ready for a nursing home. I just can't let her live with me, my husband won't allow it. We need time for ourselves, and our families. Hopefully we can find something somewhere in the middle. All I know is, YOU need time for YOU. If you don't, you will become burned out and possibly hold some sort of resentment toward your parent.
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Sometimes it just takes time. My dad was very social, but became withdrawn once at the nursing home. Two years later, I catch him listening to gospel music and hangin out in the lounge with others. Dephora, don't beat yourself up over it. It all works out - sometimes it just takes time. And you need time for YOU, okay?! We all have been there and done that... we are caregivers when "no one else will" be.
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My mother has never been outgoing. If she goes to assisted living, she will probably not participate much in activities or make friends. The loneliness, while it is, technically, her fault, must be unbearable. That's what I feel so guilty about. Her loneliness and neediness suck the life out of me, but it seems like I should be the one to try and fill her needs. If I don't, certainly no one else will.
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Bobbie321 happens tobe right on the mark on this.
I too am taking care of my mother in my home and it has been more exausting than I ever thought it would be.
I am also married, but my kids are grown, so at least I don't have to worry about neglecting the children ( which eventually would happen ).
When they are lonely they become extremely dependent on you to fulfill their time more often than not which leads to a lot of things not getting done.
Your children are young and need you...that in itself is a full time job.
Talk to her about assisted living or somehting else, just be sure to explain to her that your not leaving her completely to others, that you'll always visit her.
Find some way to let her know your there for her, but that you also have a family that needs you too.
Maybe when the kids are grown and you and your hubby has had a little down time she could move in.
Whatever you decide, be sure to talk it out with your Husband and kids because it will effect them too.
it's a 24/7 job ...even though you love them with all your heart :)
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I am totally there with you sister. My sister sent my mom to me for a "two week visit." My sister had been living two hours away and believe me given the state my mother's health was in, she wasn't doing anything. My mom has been here five months and we are stuck because there is no money. Everyone in the house is unhappy, including her. Even my 6-year-old told me she wanted to move out. No kidding! Get that line out there now, make arrangements now, don't move your parents in. I think it is a rare thing when it can work out, but I wish I could find a solution.
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rburd, I'm close to your mom's age and no way on this green earth would I want to live with either of my kids right now. I work full time and love my job, keep super busy, enjoy my health, don't dwell on medical problems and take one day at a time. Love the kids and grandkids, but living with them wouldn't be fair to them or me. I still have a lot of living to do. One day I might have to live with one of them, but it'll be as a last resort.
Does your mom have any hobbies? Does she enjoy her own company? She must think you're her entertainment committee. I told my mom one time when she got possessive like your mom is that I wasn't her entertainment committee, didn't want to be, didn't have time to be, and she should be ashamed of wasting her time feeling sorry for herself when she could use her talents doing something worthwhile, make everyday count, be thankful you're alive. You aren't guaranteed a tomorrow so why waste today being miserable and making everyone else around miserable too.
I agree with naheaton, that pity party train gets real old, real fast.
You deserve your freedom. You need to build a new life. You're a parent with kids who need you. Mom needs to get a number and wait in line.
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rburd, I am not that much younger than your mom. She ought to be falling on the ground, thanking God that she has her health still. She ought to be so grateful for the ability to be living on her own, being independent as long as she can, that she is in NO way, thinking of living with her kid. You tell her that for me, as one of her peers. Tell her to get off the pity party train and start making a life for herself. And be glad she still can.
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