Am I a bad selfish daughter if I don't want my mother to move in with me, my husband and our two children?

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Churchmouse. Your rocking propensity remains undiminished. T
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T, stop discussing it! Just nod and smile.

Your mother is never coming to live in your home. The decision is made and irreversible. She can't move into your home without your active consent and project-management, which will not be forthcoming, which you are fully in charge of. So just nod and smile. There's no need to discuss anything unless it flatters her and you feel like it.

My stay-at-home SIL - the one who wasn't quick enough off the mark when it came to running like the wind - once cautiously broached the subject of how things were going with my mother living with me. "I wouldn't recommend it," I said. "Why?"

In fact I didn't need to ask why, I knew very well that MIL had been chipping away at SIL's barriers and was attempting to use my situation as a model. Happily for SIL, the more immediately comparable precedent was her husband's mother, who had only been kept out of their marital home by dint of crucifixes, garlic, and everything short of armed sentries.

Don't fear lunch today, it will be fine. Pretend the upset never happened. Tell her it's lovely to see her. Be extremely busy in the kitchen. When it's over, remind her how lovely it is to have her own peaceful space - perhaps daughter could bring some friends round to rehearse their X Factor routine?
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Hi all. Just a quick update. Last Thursday I took my mum into town. I had resolved to put this idea of living with us to bed once and for all. On her last visit to us she had said to my 12 yr old daughter that it would be lovely if we all lived together. In the gentlest, kindest way I tried to explain how this could never happen. Her response was all I could have asked for. Where did I get such an idea from? Such a thing would be bad for everyone. She had no intention of giving up her independence. Hurray! Of course not. That night despite her short term memory loss she ranted to my sister about how much I upset her. Her response to me was her merely mimicking normal reactions which she doesn't feel apply to her situation. She is coming for Sunday lunch today & I will see if her rage has abated. BTW her rage is not because of my suggestions but because living with my family is her ultimate goal. T
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Churchmouse
Thank you for your articulate, perceptive and finally funny reply. My husband wants to frame it. I felt consoled but also a little more confident having read it. As my daughter would say "You rock". T
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OMG Church mouse. The apple doesn't fall far ftom the tree!! Don't even start on my siblings!!!
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Geevesnc. Thank you so much. Your answer really resonated with me especially the kindness overkill/nastiness. I think mothers like ours really know their mark. If you are kind & welcoming it is only seen as a weakness. I know now that nothing but complete capitulation on my part will please her. I know she would not be above staging an accident or sickness to get it. Like you I have a lovely family life which I know deep down she hates and resents and it's horrible but I know she feels the same about me. I have always stood for whar she despises - kindness love and compassion. What better kind of person to move in with? Chin up,
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Like a reasonable, normal, compassionate person, you hit on what looked like a compromise. Your mother would be comfortably established, near enough to you to make frequent regular visits manageable. You aimed to include her in your life without either allowing her to take it over or unkindly shunning her.

There was just one teeny weeny flaw in this otherwise eminently sensible plan. Namely, your mother.
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The SIL in Oz... well. Let's just say the apple don't fall far from the tree. I'm sure she's fine! :)
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termagent I share your pain. My mother is with me only because DSS was called and she was removed from her home and I was obliged to pick her up. Our mothers sound very much alike. She treats me with hostility and then overkills with kindness. She also acts completely innocent and wonderful when others are around! She is going to Assisted Living on Monday and I cannot wait! However, I suspect it won't last long because she is not used to boundaries or having to be proactive in her own care. I imagine she thinks they will be bringing her meals on a silver tray. Don't give in to your mom. It will be your undoing. If you are like me, you have fought long and hard to find peace and calm in your life and if your mom is like mine (sounds like they are the same) she will do whatever she can to insert herself into your life. Be strong!
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Hello Churchmouse. Thanks for responding. This is going to sound insane because basically it is. I encouraged my mum to buy a flat so near to us because in my screwed-up, exhausted mind I thought this would stop her wanting to live with us. It didn't. Crazier still we bought a 2 bed house ( when we could have afforded more) to put her off. It didn't. Your poor sil. I hope she is happy in Oz...my mum would be on the first plane over and I am not kidding. Take care
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