I am so depressed from taking care of my mom while she is in assisted living, how can I deal with this?

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I know it is very hard for me every time I visit mom. which is almost every day. She still remembers me, but no one else. i have been watching over her more than 10 years seeing how the illness gets worse expecially with every fall. It is hard on me and my family. I know there are more people who feel the same.

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Patricia, you've come to the right place. It is horribly hard to watch this decline, and the caregivers here know that.

Give yourself a break when you can, maybe by going every other day. Make sure she is well cared for, keep on being her advocate, but give yourself a break from time to time.

If the depression is overwhelming, you may want to see a doctor. Many caregivers suffer from clinical depression and need medical help.

Take care,
Carol
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Hi Patricia, It is very hard on you I'm sure. That is perfectly normal. I have my Dad in Asst. Living, and I understand. This is a great site to express how you feel and the people are very kind. Everyone here is going through a lot of the same thing we all feel for you. You are a great daughter to care so much. Take care now keep in touch.
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Dear Patricia, your thread makes me very sympathetic to you, and can relate to your heartache. It is hard to visit and participate in the downward slide into our parent's world of memory loss, isn't it? I experience conflicting emotions when visiting my declining loved ones. It is difficult some days; especially when fatigued. It helps me to come here, post, and share my feelings with others. But asking God for strength, perseverance, and help with emotions helps even more. It is not always possible to keep up with all that's calling for our attention, and we have to make hard choices at times. Rest helps with all the above. Praying you find that, and peace, and even joy in your journey. Take care! :)
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Dear Patricia, Do not visit your Mother every day. Three times a week is sufficient. Keep in touch with the STAFF> making sure she has everything she needs and wants......snacks, magazines, comfort meds, pictures, clothing etc.
Been there, done that.
Norene
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Patricia, I think you are a saint, going to visit almost every day. I can hardly bring myself to visit my Mom 1 or twice a week. Lately, I've fallen into a deep depression and haven't gone for 2 weeks. She's had Alzheimer's 10 yrs also, in NH 5 yrs. They take good care of her. She remembers me and sing about me every waking moment. I'm eaten up with guilt. She is so sweet and appreciates when I come but it is getting harder physically and emotionally. I have my Dad next door with mild dementia and going downhill. I will not ever be able to keep up with all his needs. Fortunately, they didn't have much money and Mom is on Medicaid.

I am sqending down so Dad can qualify soon I hope. Unfortunately, it is almost a blessing to have no $, as you qualify for help if the state has any $. (AZ)

Is it possible to spend down or just give the $ to state so she will qualify? My aunt is in that quandary.

At first, I went to visit a lot (still not every day) but it is getting harder and harder. Could you try every other day or even one day less per week?

Anyway, I think you are wonderful and deserve any little kind of break. Does anyone else go to see Mom?
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Dear Patricia, I think the advice of others to try and not go every day will be helpful. I gotta tell ya that I am taking care of my father in our home and I am at a place where I want to put him in assist living, so what I am trying to say is that either way: In a home or at home is difficult on us as caregivers. My husband and I are trying to get some respite care and are in the process of placing dad in assist living for four days. The prep is crazy with the medical forms, ppd, having to take our own tv, etc. I feel like I will be exhausted by the time Thursday comes and it is starting to affect my marriage. So, take heart and be glad mom is where she is. She is being taken care of and you are a faithful daughter and you need to take care of your health so you can continue to take care of her. I am seriously at the place where I am going to have to do the same thing and place dad in assist living if they will take him on a permanent basis. He is 96 and I keep thinking it will be time for hospice soon, but he is like the energizer bunny and keeps going and going while my batteries are dead. Guess it sounds harsh, but it is the reality and that is why my husband and I need to get away. Take care of yourself and get some time away as you deserve a life also and you should not feel guilty about it!!
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Bless you all at least we have a chance to see what our parents are going through and us caring for them and maybe we can change things while we are able you might as well enjoy your savings if you were able to do that because at the end someone else will get their paws on it I learned a lot the weeks I was going crazy trying to get on medicaide esp. when my life insurance was an asset of mine-I said if it is mine I am taking it with me and when God says why do you have that money with you I will say it's mine-they told me it is mine
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Dear Patricia,

I don't know if this is possible for you but I'll tell you what I've just started trying.

I emotionally, physically, cannot visit my Mother every day. I also have my Dad next door who should be in assisted living.

I TRY to visit my Mom 2x's a week. I don't always even manage one time. My Dad hasn't visited in 1 1/2 years.

I have hired two friends who have gone with me before to visit Mom. I know you shouldn't have to hire friends but it isn't really close and no one will go without me with them. This way they will.

They will go however often they are able; between once or twice a week to once or twice a month. I have introduced them to the staff and told them they also will be checking in on Mom. The staff has already seen them come with me before so they aren't total strangers.

My friends object to the pay part, but they really need it and it is the only way I know to ENSURE that they go.

As someone else mentioned there are many CNA's and other health-care workers out of work or who have had their hours cut and are looking for side jobs. They might also be possibilities.
My Dad is paying for it. I informed him; didn't ask or suggest. He's happy with it.

Believe me, I know my Mom would rather see ME but it won't hurt her to have others help her and visit. I've taught them all the things I do for Mom while I'm there (lipstick, hair, a little Bible reading, make sure she has sweater,socks, and glasses on etc.)

When Dad gets on Medicare soon he won't have any money but I'll worry about that when the time comes. One thing I learned (sort of) from taking care of Mom is worry only about the present nano-second. No use worrying about the next second. Things will turn out differently than you imagine anyway. If they are both alive this second I'm happy.

I could move Mom 3 blks from me and put my Dad in an assisted living apartment at the same place, but Mom receives better care where she is even though it isn't super convenient for the rest of us. Plus she has Alzheimer's and not nice to move her after 5 years unless absolutely necessary. My Dad will only go into Assisted Living if it is the same place as Mom but they don't have Assisted living where she is. It's always a puzzle, isn't it?

I don't know if you could go 3 times a week and pay 1 or 2 people to go 1 or 2 other days. It makes me feel better because I get full reports each time. If it's friends they'll probably feel guilty because they should have been visiting anyway and not accept a "gift" for visiting. As

We have to leave a little life for ourselves. That's what our parents supposedly raised us to do,(even though they've forgotten).

I'm sorry this is so long-winded. I hope something one of us says helps. It is nice to be able to write other people who REALLY understand.

mip86
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