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My parent moved in with my husband, daughter and I 8 years ago because my mother's medical costs left them no choice. My mother passed 3 years ago after a long illness of COPD and emphysema during which time I was her main caretaker plus working full time. My father is 93, in good health and still is with us. My daughter is a senior in college and this arrangement has been going on through her entire high school years as well as all of her college years. I come home and have no privacy, no room to have my own life at all. Every decision is driven by the fact that my father is there and he doesn't like it when we go anywhere. If we do go to a movie or dinner we feel obligated to ask him along since he doesn't have anyone in his life but us. I guess I am just exhausted at this point and depressed. I find myself just not wanting to go home anymore. Both my husband and I have pretty high stress jobs so it's getting to both of us. I know there isn't anything that can change, I just need to vent somewhere because at this point every time I leave the house I am in tears. Eight years is a long time and the relationships with both my parents have never been great.

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If your mom can still remember things and has no serious health issues you may still be able to get her to speak with someone with you near by and get some legal papers set up. Such as durable power of attorney, health epoxy. or even go to the local social security office and see if you can become legal rep on her account. There are certain rules and regulations they must have,this way you may be able to be sworn in by the state, it will help her with the check book and paying bills. If you have any family memberrs call a meeting, if that does not work call elder care in your state. You can not do it all on your own.patrica61
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momneedshelp... am sorry for what youre going thru , sounds like somebody is going have to step in and take care of both mom and dad . married for 50 years she still feels she belongs there with him .
your mom needs to get checked out with a doctor and then ou can decide what would be the best thing for them both . as for bills you;ll need to help your mom to pay for it , sit with her at the table and help her with it . write checks with her .
if there is another siblings , time for a family meeting and go from there . come back on this site and keep us informed, . happy new year !
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Well said thebearii i to am looking out for my elderly folks and think the same way, we were helpless as babies, and they cared and protected and fed us, with food and love, so it only stands to reason that we do the same.
God Bless you
Fernando
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Here's what we have done for a little rest and privacy. My 90 year old dad has lived with us for nearly 6 years. He can not be left alone due to chance of falls and he has a catheter.

We take him daily to a city run senior day car facility. Medicare pays for part of the daily cost, Dad pays for the rest $15 per day.

This gives my wife a break while I am at work and he is at the center. The caregivers at the center are very attentive to his needs.

The center is open on Saturdays, so we take advantage from time to time to give us both some get a way time. It's only about 8 hours but it feels like much more. We can go to lunch, shopping, to a movie or other activities without having to worry about dad.

Medicare also provides up to 7 days respit care. We've never taken advantage of this time, but it would provide a short vacation by allowing dad to spend time at an assisted living home.

When I start reaching the "breaking point" I remember the times when as a kid I probably brought my mom and dad to their breaking points. Now it's my Dad's turn to get back at me for some of the stress I caused for him.

He had to worry about me for about 17 years while I was living at home. He had to care for me for the first 1-5 years. He did it with love and great care. I'm paying him back....
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I feel the same way my mother is in a situation where she is living with my father they divorced years ago due to my father. My mother has been taking care of my father and I have just realized that she has been keeping things from me. Her mail is all piled up she hasn't even been opening it. She finally told me that she has given up. I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to leave the house and put my father in a home. But she is not mentally capable of taking care of him or their finances. She is not paying bills or is she budgeting. I don't know what to do. Put my father in a home and what to do with my mother she doesn't want to live with us. She really is depressed and looks like she is on her death bed. She looks really ill. She gets so confused and her driving is awful. The house needs a lot of repair. I am lost and don't know how to help her or what to do. I don't know if she is mentally ill even she is showing signs.
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You are so brave and helpful all of you. I want you to know how much you are appreciated. Please know you are not alone in your grief and your worry.

take care,
Carol
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Thank you Phyllis for your kind words, Its was a long time of myself watching over my mom, and I don't regreet one minute. Yes it is hard. I still go back and visit her friends she made at the assisting living of which she was staying at and they had their Christmas party this pst weekend of course I went to help. It's funny the ones that never show up to visit their family members even on the weekends are always there for the free food. I don't let it brother me but I can see it the residents eyes the come eat and leave, certain are good to there partents. and you can see the love and even feel it. Bless you have yourself a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,patrica61 It has been hard for me to even greive now my in laws are not well. I lost my dog of 10 years to cancer and we can not find a job both my husband and myself. I will look for the book. Thanks
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DEAR MACTAVISH, PATRICA61 & MSDIVA

FIRST I WANT TO WISH YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY, HEALTHY & BLESSED NEW YEAR!

WE WENT THROUGH ENOUGH YEAR OF BEING CARE GIVERS FOR OUR LOVE ONCES. BE KIND AND GOOD TO YOUR SELF BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE GOING THROUGH!! I'M READING THIS GREAT LITTLE DEVOTIONAL BOOK CALL "IF GOD IS MY STRENGTH, WHY AM I STILL TIRED? BY MAGGIE HILMER IT'S A GREAT LITTLE FIND. SERVING AS A CAREGIVER REQUIRES SPECIAL GIFTS, INCLUDING THE ABILITY TO CARE FOR THEMSELVES WHILE CARING FOR OTHERS. I WISH I COULD SEND IT TO YOU.

LOVE TO ALL
PHYLLIS ANNE, NY
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hello i have been out of reach since thx giving but i would like to say to all of you that have ur loves ones to take care of i hope everything will go well with you all through the holidays and a very blessed new yr i know how hard it is to take care of a love one i took care of both my parents and it was hard but most of all i enjoyed it it didn't make me mad or bitter,,the only ones that made me made was my brothers and sisters how they didn't help me but i dnt want to be rewarded for anything i just know that i step in did my part and i know the lord will blessed me along the way in his own time...going through what i did, i wished that on no one just remember a memory is hard to lose and it hurts but always ur parents love you rather you here it or not and you love them because if you didn't you wouldn't be doing what ur doing...MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A VER BLESSED NEW YR-----------------------SONYA (NINETH CHILD)
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DEAR MACTAVISH People show the loss of a loved one in different ways. It may be that dad can hold down in his stomach since the loss of your mom and his sole mate only ice cream. Try to talk with dad and tell him how you feel, that you are worry about his health and maybe take him out to his favaorite place to eat and have daughter/father lunch and talk. When my mom got real bad with the Alzheimers/Dementia I lost 18 pounds I went down to 112 lbs. and I am 5Ft 7 normanlly weigh about 126. I did not want to eat at all. One thing I ate was ice cream my self. I don't know why? People do things for reason we can not explain when someting happens in their life stlye, take care of yourself and watch over dad. Thank you for your kind words patrica61
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Hi,

First, I just wanted to wish everyone a blessed Holiday season. patrica61, I'm very sorry that you lost your Mom. She was very lucky to have a daughter like you. I miss my Mom everyday. She was my best friend.

I did have a question for everybody. For quite awhile now we have known that my father is not eating well. In fact it seems like the only thing he eats is ice cream cones (drumsticks). Lately though I've been wondering if he might be (gosh, I hate to say it) flushing food down the toliet to hide how much he really isn't eating. Anybody experience something like this?
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I am wishing all the care takers and their family to try and have a nice holiday, visit with your loved one as much has you can this time of year, if they are in a home make extra visits and if home sit down and talk to them. it will help you out. I just lost my mom, for ten years she was very sick, she died in my arms in the assisiting living. the Tampa fire dept was called and told me she was in too bad of state to go back to any hospital. They called in the nurse and I got my new photo ID for traveling to New york. I was with mom three hours holding on, and made many visit's . This hoiday Thanksgiving was hard to me and know Christmas will be bad. Keep the faith you are all doing your best God bless you all. Patrica61. PS Carol have a nice holiday, may god bless you for all the help you gave me
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Dear Tatayaya,
Just getting back to your earlier comment about wishing your dad could be more honest with you, rather than giving those snotty responses. That kind of response, sometimes described as "passive-aggressive", isn't necessarily tied to aging. It's just that the person cannot openly ask for something because it would leave him vulnerable to the disappointment of a negative response. Saying "Would you like to go to a movie with me?" takes more effort and risk than saying "There's a movie showing at 7 p.m. today and I've got two tickets--are you available?" In the first case, the speaker is introducing a genuine dialogue and giving the other person a lot of freedom to respond (and create a disappointment). In the second case, the speaker is just presenting a very limited option. It's tightly controlled because the speaker is either not confident about the relationship (or themself) or simply doesn't care about what the other person thinks. My sense is that your dad is pretty fearful.
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Don't wait. Tell him now. Write him a letter that he can open when he is older and he will cherish it.
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1913 is so right. If you set those boundaries and stick to them, your life will be so much easier and so will his. He will know what is acceptable and what is not, just like a child. Sad , isn't it?
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Right On!!!!!! No one has the right to take your life away from you. Especially a parent who signed on to take care of you as a child. Not your choice then, but it is your choice now. No door mat in our house. My mom was crying when I just did some food shopping and left her home alone for 1 hour. Oh well, that is how it goes. She cannot manipulate me, ever. It was a hard lesson to learn. Start studying the facts and get your life back. Let your dad know what is acceptable and don't stray from that.
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DEAR GIVE A HUG,

YOU SEEM LIKE A VERY LOVELY PERSON, AND I CAN TELL YOU YOU DID YOUR CARE GIVING WITH LOVE!! MY MOTHER ALSO KNEW THAT THEIR WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER. SHE USE TO SAY WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME YOU DON'T GROW OLD THIS WAY. SHE WAS VERY SMART BEFORE ALZ AND SHE IS STILL SMART WITH ALZ IN HER OWN VERY SPECIAL WAY. I AM VERY THANKFUL TO GOD THAT SHE IS STILL WITH US AND LIVING WITH US. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE AND REMEMBER "ANYONE WHO KEEPS THE ABILITY TO SEE BEAUTY NEVER GROWS OLD"!

PHYLLIS, NY
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yes phyllis
my dad was a calm cool alz patient he never gave me trouble but i have to say my dad has been like that pretty much all my life it took a lot to make him mad...and trust me my mom was a hell cat..i know . but my dad let her have her way quite bit just to save face...now there was time he did say no and meant it but when you have 12 children sometimes it can get to you but he was never a mean man and was quiet and thats the way he was and was funny too as a alz patient he made me laugh like he did when i was little but as a alz patient he knew something was wrong with him, he ask me several times and i explain it to him i told him that his memory has taking a toll but his humor was with him always..i miss him so much as well as my mom and these holidays are very sad to me, christmas was moms and thanksgiving was dads he love the togetherness of a family..but if he knew what was going on, boy he would be really sad if their not already
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Caring for a person with Alzheimer's can be exhausting and very difficult. It's wonderful when people can get some help so they can find a little balance for their lives. It's good for them and good for the care receiver. We are better caregivers when we get a break.
Carol
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Dear Give a hug,

I just love how you described your father, I never heard it put that way "calm cool alz patient" I hope God is blessing you with good life after taking care of your father. I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years now....she is so precious.

Have a great Thanksgiving!!

Phyllis Anne
NY
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my friends i know how you feel and its hard when you give up ur lives for so many yrs for ur love one i understand totally but you half to have some me time like others said join a group have ur love one go to a day care for adult.i didn't have to do this with my dad cause he felt he could be alone and half the time he wouldn't go with me but he nevered got upset when i did leave, he was a calm cool alz patient and i enjoy him til the end and trust me i work with them and i know how they can be but do try and take some time out there are services out there that will help you
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Mactavish,
Austin is right. Take care of yourself so that you will be there for your dad when he needs you. Let others take the burden who are trained to do so. It is OK. Give yourself permission to be human. We ALL have our limits. Remember, we are here for you.
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Mactavish You need to think about how this affecting you and your family-it has allready affected your health there comes a time when you just can no longer do it and when you do you will probably get a lot of support he needs to be with others his own age and you need to get back to a normel life-you will still be a big part of his life you will be able to visit I have often said the best nursing home is the one near where you live so you can go in often and you would be able to bring him home for a few hrs. or even overnight if you want and take him out for ice cream or such you certainly have done more than your share you need to give yourself permission to have others care for him now or he will outlive you he has no stress you do and most elders adjust very well to nursing homes my husband was in rehab about 15 times and one day I told the social worker I could no longer do it my husband pitched a fit and the social worker told him I did not stay 25 while he got older I also aged and I got a lot of support after I spoke up-it was hard to admit I had reached my limit I had thought I was the only one realizing this at the time.
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naheaton, Hi,

We do have a really nice senior center in our area, but he's not interested. I do think it would do him alot of good, and help him to stop focusing on me. It may have to become something that we "push" him into doing, and see how it goes. Thank you for your suggestion.
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I thought there were 'adult day cares' out there. I know I've seen them in my area, where you can take an older person and leave them for a few hours or whatever during the day. They do crafts, brain exercise type games etc. It's worth checking into.
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I don't have much faith in monitors (long story, has to do with what happened with my mom). He does have his own phone so he could call us, but perhaps we will have to think about some other things. He does get around ok, in fact sometimes he can be very quiet, he likes to eavesdrop. And, yes, I have thought that I would like him to be cared for elsewhere. Maybe if he wasn't always spying on me, I could get back to feeling the way I use to about him. I've told my brothers I want the time from May through October. Right now, May seems a long way off.
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This may sound harsh. But , once you move him, do not move him back. This is for his sake as well as yours. Patients with Dementia do not do well if moved too much. He may just be better to be placed, get him comfortable and then not move him again. As for now. Can you get a baby monitor? We have the monitor in mom's apartment and the receivers in our kitchen and bedroom. I can hear her no matter where I am in the house. You can hear him and that may give him peace of mind. Does he have a life alert system? This great. We have had to use it when she couldn't get out of the bed one night, and I didn't hear her. Scared the dickens out of me, but it worked great.
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lovingdaughter, Hi,

Yes, I have definately gotten to that point, where when he asks me questions, I answer in very short statements like, "Don't know what I'm doing today", etc. The problem with that is he will come back in the house after I go upstairs, and question my kids (19 & 20) about not only what I'm doing, but what they are doing. They feel sorry for him, and usually tell him what I'm doing. I literally try to "sneak" out of the house but he always manages to hear me and come out front to see what I'm doing. The gate may be neccesary. We have talked to him about the danger of falling, and the fact that all that is upstairs is bedrooms, which are private. I've told him if he needs something to come in the house and call out. I can hear him fine. But he has still ignored what we have asked on a few occasions. We have always given him privacy. He has his own suite which is attached to our home. He has a very large bathroom, kitchenette, tv. and recliner, and large bed. He has a door out onto our patio, where he could take walks. But the only thing he does is constantly watch me. I have no idea how long this could go on. At this point, I know his health is better than mine. I think I am going to sit my kids down and try to make them understand about not answering his questions, that it is only enabling him to focus on us, and make excuses for not doing anything else.

tatayaya, Hi,

I totally understand. My father's "suite" is attached to our home. His interior door comes into our laundry area, then into our home. We have never just walked into his room. But he can walk into our home anytime he chooses. I finally asked him to not come in between the hours of 9 p.m. and 9 a.m., unless there was an emergency, so we could have time to get our chores or whatever done. He still doesn't get it. He will still come in, asking where someone went, cause he heard their car leave. I guess that's his idea of an "emergency". I use to have a close relationship with my father, but now all I feel is tired and annoyed. Thank goodness for those locks on bathroom doors, that is the one place he hasn't come in. Bubblebaths sound like a good idea.

phyllis55, Hi,

You are right, he does have dementia from his nervous breakdown. My prayers are with you that you have been doing this for ten years. And thank you for your prayers. I really don't know how much longer I will be able to do this. A support group does sound like a good idea. When I try to explain it to my kids, sometimes I feel like it just is not getting through, and that they can't understand how I can feel this way towards my father. We have all been so close over the years, but he is not the same person he was, and his care has effected my feelings towards him. Of course, that sends me off on another guilt trip.

***I have spoken to my two brothers that live out of state. I have told them that I need a break from this. There is also the fact that my daughter just got engaged, and will be getting married next year. She will then move out of state. I told my brothers that I want the time to spend with her and enjoy planning her wedding. I have told my brothers that I need my father to leave for a period of at least six months. Having him stay here and just getting another care giver will not do the trick. So, we are looking into possibly moving him down (about 45 minutes away) to his house, and finding someone that could provide some assisted living care for him there. The constant fear is that any change that he doesn't like may cause him to have another breakdown. I can't go through that again, and I know my brothers can't either. But, I've finally gotten to the point that I told them we have to do this no matter what. So, just keeping my fingers crossed that everything will work out. But, I have to admit, that when the time comes for him to move back in with us, it is going to be hard to have it go back to being how it is now.


I wish I could wave a magic wand and send all of you Ladies on a long deserved dream vacation.
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FOR THE ONE WHO IS CARING FOR HER FATHER 3+YEARS PLUS. IT WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL TO YOU IF YOU JOINED A SUPPORT GROUP. YOU NEED TIME FOR YOURSELF. YOUR FATHER IS NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT GOING UPSTAIRS BECAUSE HE HAS DEMENTIA. AND HIS HOME IS HIS SAFE PLACE THE SENIOR CENTER HE IS NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT PLACE. MAYBE YOU CAN REACH OUT TO THE ALZHEIMER'S ASSOCIATION.

I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER WHO IS IN THE ADVANCE STAGES OF DEMENTIA FOR 10 YEARS NOW...IT IS DIFFICULT AT TIMES BUT THEIR IS ALWAYS THE NEXT DAY. AND I CONTROL THAT AND I BELONG TO A VERY NICE SUPPORT GROUP AND I HAVE A GREAT FRIENDS.

TAKE CARE AND I'M PRAYING FOR YOU
PHYLLIS ANNE, NY
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Thanks so much everyone for your feedback and caring stories. It always helps to not feel like you are the only one feeling these feelings.
Mactavish, I identified with your feelings of no privacy. My father lives in an apt attached to our house so there is a door between us but he just comes over whenever the mood strikes him and we have to end whatever conversation we are having because he pays no attention to what we're doing, he just interrupts and starts talking. He is totally dependent on us because his friends are all either dead or sick and don't live near us and so we are it and it leaves me wrecked with guilt when I am at work or god forbid, go visit a friend for dinner or something.
I often wonder why he can't just say, it's OK, I will call you if I don't feel good, or to say, no, could you stay home tonight, I really don't want to be alone...I prefer honesty over the martyrish responses such as "ok, you have a good time" with a look of disgust on his face. He is 93 and I just turned 56, it's crazy that we can't have a more honest relationship but I just keep taking bubblebaths (he does not come in the bathroom) and praying for patience, love and understanding. I know the day will come that I will miss him, not the caretaking part but him as my father. Thanks again for everyone's responses.
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