Can someone with mild/moderate dementia use their memory loss to manipulate?

It really isnt manipulation, but as the dementia progresses they become more and more self centered. They do not like to be told what to do, or to be told no, etc.. They can become paranoid and feel that those around them are not telling them the truth. In their minds they are right..."I did wash up and changed my clothes this morning" " No I didnt take my pills yet" etc..etc..etc.. It is the disease talking. No one is immune when they have Dementia, the nicest and sweetest person in the world becomes someone else with Dementia.

I get frustrated because my mom can remember that she wants to repeat what you said, and who she wants to repeat it to, but will conveniently FORGET that you were speaking to her in confidence. So, someone answer me? How can she remember what I said, who she wanted to tell, remember to use her phone, reach the person she wanted to tell it to, tell it perfectly.... and when she gets caught, she says, "I have dementia, I forgot." Whenever she doesn't want to talk about something, it's always, "I have dementia, I don't remember or I don't want to talk about that." I cry B.S.. I think she has it when it's convenient. I think she uses it to say EXACTLY what she thinks, and it brings out EXACTLY who she REALLY IS! She's always emotionally, psychologically and mentally abused me, passively aggressively; this whole dementia thing, has just given her a pass to be as nasty as she wants, without filter.

Tracy, I've seen this pattern often, and it makes me very sad and frustrated. A relative or friend or bystander does not believe that the patient really has something wrong with his brain, does not accept that the patient cannot control his forgetfulness, and is suspicious that the person is faking it or using it to deliberately manipulate others.

No. People with dementia do not keep track of how many times they've asked a question, or if they ask it more under some conditions than other others. An outsider may make these observations but that doesn't mean the dementia person is doing it consciously.

My heart breaks for the person with dementia who is treated with suspicion.

The kind of dementia my husband has -- Lewy Body Dementia -- is characterized by fluctuations in cognitive ability. When people with this disease are in a care center that has not handled it before and has not made an effort to learn about it, staff sometimes accuse them of faking it. How can they not know how to do that this afternoon when they could do it this morning? They must just be trying to manipulate us. I've heard about this from fellow caregivers frustrated at how a care center is handling their loved ones more than once. Sad, sad, sad.

In any kind of dementia, there are ups and downs. There are things the person can do and other things they can't. There is not a uniform level of disability across all aspects of mental activity.

Sometimes even new caregivers can't accept the reality of their loved one's dementia. A wife will be outraged that her husband is behaving this way because she knows perfectly well he could do better if he tried -- he could do better yesterday. Sigh.

Sorry. This question pushed one of my hot buttons!

Tracy, this is a question I can really relate to. My Mom, with moderate non-Alz dementia, lives with my husband and me, and lately I had begun to wonder if she was actually FAKING some of her forgetfulness just because she wanted attention immediately instead of waiting. Such as: she has a cat (she lives in a separated suite w/ living, bedroom, and bathroom) and interacts with us in our part of the house whenever she wants to. But she constantly comes out of her "apt" and requests more canned cat food. (the cat has kibbles always available, but I monitor the canned food) I tell her it's not feeding time yet, but I will see that kitty gets fed when it's time. FIVE minutes later she's back again, asking for the cat food. This goes on and on and on, until I finally give in to the request and give the cat more food. Then she's quiet and happy. She doesn't get belligerent about it, but is just annoying, like a pestering two-year old. If I lose patience and say, Mom, I just TOLD you that it's not time for kitty to be fed yet," she says, "I don't remember that you told me that." I would think she was pretending not to remember, and just wanted her way without waiting. And I was beginning to feel that she is self-centered, and always thinking about her needs, even though I may tell her one day that I'm not feeling well, so we won't be able to do such and such this morning, and ten minutes later she's asking me what we're going to do for the day for HER entertainment, because she's bored. I would feel frustrated, and couldn't understand how she could only think about her own needs, like a self-centered child.
After reading the comments above, from Jeanne and Cwac, I feel somewhat ashamed of my thoughts that my Mom is faking it, and selfish. I'm glad I saw this posting, because it has brought me a greater understanding of what the illness is doing to my sweet Mom's brain. (She really is a sweet Mom.)
Thanks for the question, Tracy, and thanks for the good and helpful responses.

I've noticed by mother is somewhat like a two year old. She carries on but if someone strange comes into the room she shuts up. Likewise, when her husband leaves she settles down and goes to sleep. As soon as he comes home, she's back at it again. She just seems to think we will put up with everything when she's alone with us. Yesterday I wouldn't sit with her while she was talking loud and calling me names. It took a half hour but she soon settled down. I think it's control for her since she has no other way to have it.
She's bedridden and can do very little for herself. She would have us do everything but I will not do things she is able to do. She says she can't but we know she can get her own drink off the table, feed herself, etc. Someone is alwways there to help but I refuse to wait on her for the few things she can do. I just feel like she should do the few things she is capable of doing. I'm happy to help as long as she is trying.

Elfiekins123 it is called show-timing. Look it up. For brief periods the person with dementia can pull it together and present a "normal" front, usually for medical staff or visitors. My sisters had a hard time understanding what I said about my husband's dementia because he never had episodes when they were around.

Showtiming takes a great deal of effort and the person is usually very tired afterwards. Gradually the person can do it less and less and eventually cannot do it at all.

If your mother is manipulating anyone it is the medical staff, with her showtiming efforts. With you she is relaxing her efforts and her dementia is very apparent.

Who know why your mother denies you as her daughter? Perhaps she is remembering you as a child, and thinks you are an imposter. That must be very frightening for her, don't you think?

Perhaps you can go along a little. "Well, Jane, we are living together now so let's try to get along well. I am the very nice woman who is sharing my house with you, and I'll look after your needs as well as I can. I'll look after you as if you were my mother."

I hope you can give up the notion that your mother is doing this to manipulate you. She is a very confused person with dementia. She needs all the support and comfort she can get.

Good question. I have a resident who is similar to this scenario. I'm not sure about the repeating questions, I would assume when they have that short term memory loss, the time between remembering and forgetting, they don't argee with your answer they may ask it again, OR, they want reassurance. The last part about going back in time, I would have to disagree that they act out their last memory. I have a few resident who go far back as being a child and looking for their mothers house and carrying babies around. I would surely think that your memory doesn't stop at childhood. Also, I have a resident who has severe dementia and his daughters will come in and see him. A few hours later when I do care on him I will ask him if he saw them today and he will say yes, but he doesn't know their names. I don't think these people are taking advantage of their illness at all, I truly believe that this is the process of brain degeneration. This is only my opinion, I'm not a doctor. Hope it kind of makes sense.

My Mom has dementia. She will continually ask the same question sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. it is not that she does not like the answer-although I am sure a lot of times she does not-she truly does not remember asking the question in the first place. This is a nasty disease that robs people of their ability to function "normally" whatever that is. She is losing her eyesight too to a condition for which there is no treatment. sometimes she will ask me 3 or 4 times in a day to go see the doctor so they can "fix" her eyes. When i expain to her each time that it will do no good to go see the doctor she says-then i am going blind?? I will assure her she will keep her perifial vision and not go totally blind and she seems to accept that answer then. 2 hours later she will call me and ask to go see the eye doctor. She has no memory of our conversation. Time has no frame of reference for her at all. I hope this helps you reallize that noi, they are not necessarily trying to manipulate you to get the answer they want. They truly do not remember from one minute to the next that the question was ever asked.

but when they do ask same thing over and over, really, you cant get mad at this, ( not you personally, in general) just answer like you did first 20 times. or answer her different, see if she looks at you different, that way you know shes playing with you a little.. i think they test/play with us, like kids would do...they go back to infant almost before death. we start out in diapers, we end up in diapers... we should all buy stock in diaper companys...

She needs to be living away from you and that would be best for the both of you. :-)

But don't take my word for it. Get some professional input. See a therapist. Call in a social worker. Talk to her doctors. Listen to your brothers. And remember that it isn't only what is best for Mom that counts ... you deserve what is best for you, too.