Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

We decided to just not have a funeral

In my book, a funeral (like a wedding) is whatever you want it to be. You don't need to have a service.

One of the nicest funerals I went to was a graveside service conducted by a man's two daughters. There were maybe 6 of us all all together, each sister spoke for a few moments about her memories of her dad and a grandchild said a blessing. The casket was lowered, and as is the Jewish custom, we shoveled in the earth. Would something like that, for you and YOUR friends work for you?

My mom is currently 79. I am an only child as is she, also I have no children. She never had many friends and at this point has one friend 3 hrs. from here that is about the same age and one other friend several states away that is 80 at present. She will probably outlive both of them. Where she wants to be buried is 3 hrs from where we live now and frankly I don't see the sense in a funeral as I will be the only one left. There are no niece, nephews, siblings, cousins to attend,again she will probably outlive the 2 "friends" she has.My thought is I was there when it counted, when she was alive.

I would have no funeral but my siblings, aunties, uncles, our people will insist on one. Funerals are just as an important custom as weddings and baptismal. It is expected - even if it means becoming in debt to make sure there are beautiful flowers and fancy funeral knickknacks, etc... All these people came to mom's funeral. Where were they when mom was alive? Aunties fighting for control over the funeral arrangements. They rarely visited their own sister but oh... they wanted to give mom a beautiful funeral. To me, local funerals is like a status symbol - how many people came, the number of beautiful large flower bouquets, etc....

As an example. Sis' boyfriend accidentally killed their unborn 9 month old baby. Sis was about to give birth that month when the baby died taking a bullet that would have killed my sister. We were all shocked and had to deal with inner fightings among us siblings because the cop told us that sis still wants her boyfriend in her life. And that we must honor our sister's decision. Some of us wanted to kill the boyfriend. So, we all hated him. On the day of the baby's funeral/burial, HIS parents had the nerve to complain that the coffin was plain and that we served Finger Food. (See, our custom is an all-out funeral. Catering, large tents, foldable chairs, etc... Real food set out like a buffet table with over 10 varieties of food). HIS parents had the nerve to complain when it was Their son who killed that baby, and they did not even offer to help with any of the funeral expenses -not the flowers, not the food, not the coffin. Nothing. And they complained because we had a very, simple funeral. Emily, I don't think you will run into this kind of problem. It would be nice if we can bypass all this hoopla when it's dad's funeral for many years to come.

Emily, those of us who are the only ones to provide the necsessary care often feel as you do. Our grieving is an ongoing day in and day out process that others do not understand. After providing care for my mom for four years I think I am all grieved out. Mom was moved to memory care four months ago which has caused a steep decline. Initially, I thought I would see her more than I have, but each time I am so terribly saddened to see what has happened to her in this short four months.

So, I have thought about what I will do when she passes. Sometimes I think I would like for sibs to have some sort of service. But then I wonder if I will even want to go and reopen the wounds I have due to denial by other family members. At this moment in time I do not think I would go.

About a year ago I lost my SO and best friend, he had been quite sick for awhile. They had a graveside service, I wouldn't even call it a service, only a dozen or so people were in attendance. I was not one of them as I had to continue care for mom and the burial was about 800 miles away.

Do what you think would be best for you considering what Mom's wishes would be. She may not want a funeral, many don't, I don't.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It's so painful. Everything must hurt.

Laying your mother's earthly remains to rest will be the last service you will need to give her. It can be as simple as you like, secular or religious according to your mother's beliefs or none. No invitations, no post-ritual entertainments, no speeches. Just see to it that her body is decently treated. Tell the funeral directors that that is what you want, and if they demur they are unprofessional and you should choose another firm.

Leaving it undone, though… Forget about closure for you - if only it were that simple - this is closure, finality for your mother. It's a task that will have to be done one way or another; and seeing as you've done everything else for her I think, in the long run, you'll feel more at ease if you've completed that role.

If it's the plans you've already made that you can't face, go back to the funeral directors and tell them how you're feeling. They should assist you in changing the arrangements and they shouldn't make a fuss about it.

Emily, what were your mother's wishes?

I know what my parents wishes are, even though it doesn't make sense at this point in time due to their very advanced age and with pretty much all the nieces and nephews are in their senior years plus the travel distance involved.

I have been thinking about this whole thing also.
My mother would Never discuss anything with me about it before she got ALZ, so I purchased cremation for her. My siblings are the only ones left and they dont even see a reason for an obituary. Why bother with a stone even?
The only thing I deal with in my head is the "what will people think" thing because I dont want to do Anything and feel like it is showing lack of respect.
Now as far as my father being a WW2 POW, I scheduled a cremation and vet ceremony for him.... talk about mixed feelings :P

Emily my mother, 89, passed away two weeks ago. She'd been in a nursing home for 3 years, in no pain, just basically faded away. I am the only family and she had no friends apart from someone an hour away who visited 2 or 3 times a year. Her Will stated she wanted to be cremated and that has been done.

The funeral home is holding her ashes until I'm ready to take them to scatter where she wished, in her former home town ... I'd find it too creepy to have them in the house until then. We were never close at all so I'm not grieving, just feeling kind of weird, like an orphan somehow, which is silly. No doubt that feeling will ease once the ashes have been scattered.

Personally I'm not religious but I believe the spirit goes on and the body, worn out, is no longer needed. Unless your mother has made her wishes known, go with whatever you feel best about.

Mica, I agree with not having an obituary.... I don't plan to have one for myself, and I need to talk to my parents about not having one but Dad might insist as that is what the family had done for generations. But back then there wasn't all this ID theft and internet searches of names on the obituary. Lot of scams are tried on the remaining elder spouse who can be easily found :(

I am also from the "what will the neighbors think" school of through drilled into me by my parents, especially my Mom.

I read an obituary recently and the last line said no funeral at her request. I mentioned it to my sister to see if she would agree to no funeral when our parents pass away and discussed it with her. She seemed to agree. I will be sensitive to her wishes, but I don't want to plan a funeral and host a gathering afterward.

Emily, I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. Since you're the caregiver, and apparently there isn't anyone else involved, it's your decision unless your mother has expressed her wishes to the contrary.

Funerals are for the living, but by that time any goodbyes they wish to offer is too late; the person is already gone. My feeling is that, unless there was an accident and accidental death, people and relatives have had ample time to express their concern and assist the caregiver. Failing that, I don't care what they want or say.

I understand the concern about "what people will say", but so what? If they weren't around when the person was alive, they have absolutely no standing to make any comments whatsoever.

I also find it offensive for people to come to funerals and blather on about how much they cared for the deceased person. If they did, where were they when he or she really needed help?

Something I just remembered. When my sister died, word was spread around the hospital where she worked, and many of her co-workers I had never met came to her funeral.

There also were people she had worked with on a volunteer basis, such as those from the Big Sisters organization, including several young people who told me how much they had been influenced by my sister's involvement. I was completely unaware she had even been involved with that organization.

So that was very therapeutic and consoling for me to learn that there was a part of her life that provided so much hope for the people with whom she worked.

I've been mulling over the same question, too. Pop had a fancy funeral and reception. But that's years ago now. Mom has outlived most of her friends. She wants me to ship her body 3500 miles back to 'home'. Has not expressed interest in a full-blown funeral for herself. I'm thinking of cremation and burial in her plot back home with a grave-side service. One family member besides me has been here to visit her. I'll be sure to invite him. If somebody wants to organize a reception afterwards, they are welcome to do so. I won't do it. I have honored her with years of assistance, that will have to do.

My mother died in June. It was a long four years of watching her body give up at 97. There were only three elderly relatives 1000 away left and an estranged brother who never called for 30 years. Mom did not have a lot of money, and I just retired. I talked to my cousin up north and to my oldest daughter.
And came up with the best solution.

Mom wanted to be cremated and buried in the backyard. She had last rights from the Catholic Church a week before she died and was aware of what was going on. I had her cremated. I created a small garden in my backyard. I mixed mother's ashes into the dirt when I was alone saying prayers and singing her favorite hymns. I planted a magnolia tree and azalea bushes. The tree is evergreen and the azaleas bloom all year with pink flowers.

A month later, all my children and grandchildren came to town. We invited my husbands family, neighbors, our Doctor, and my closest friend. We had a celebration of life at a local restaurant. I made memory cards, guests wrote down their favorite memory, and we saluted my mother while a slideshow played that I created. I also wrote thank you notes to each family telling them how they touched my mother's life. We had a wonderful time, and it was better than any funeral I had ever attended.

I also have a tiny bag of ashes left to distibute on the Las Vegas Strip at her request. Do what is in your heart. We did not even have enough people to be pall bearers. Do not go into debt to please other people. The only pushback I had was from my husband's family. Everyone who attended our celebration loved the way I handled it.

Emily, all you really need to do at the time of death is make arrangements for her remains. Later, if you decide that you need the "closure" of a service, you can schedule a memorial service. I have seen this happen several months after a death. If anyone questions you about this you just respond that you were overwhelmed at the time and needed to wait a while.

I would say to do what you think is the right thing and have peace with it. I wouldn't let other's opinions who have not been involved with your loved one's struggle until her death influence you.

I would go online and research the costs of funerals. You say you have already made arrangements. Did you sign a contract? I would revisit it. There are so many extras you are charged for. If you are paying out of your own pocket, I would seriously revisit the prices. Immediate burial is much less expensive. There are many costs that are just not necessary.

I had the same questions. I am the DPOA and only person left for my cousin. I was her DPOA and have done all things for her since her dementia diagnosis.

Besides me and my parents, most everyone in her family is dead or very elderly, disabled and/or not able to get out of their house. Her best friend and a couple of younger distant cousins who are able bodied dropped off the face of the earth after the dementia diagnosis and never called or sent one thing to help. It's just me and my parents left who visit and do everything for her.

I have two brothers, but it's not easy for them to take off work for a second cousin's funeral. I see no point in a full fledged funeral for 3 people to attend. I decided to have an immediate burial and then have a prayer of recognition later on. Granted, it is likely to be just us three and the minister.

Something else that I have decided to do right after her passing is to prepare a photo album with photos from her life, graduation cards, small mementos, etc., I'll set up a nice table with the book, candles and pictures of her favorite hobbies. I'll let the Memory Care unit staff know, as I think they would be the only people to show up. We'll have refreshments, a display of her photo album and pictures, play her favorite music and have some lovely flowers. We can discuss her life and remember her then. That sounds like something she would really love.
I think you can make your own tribute in a way that will properly honor the deceased loved one.

When Dad died Mom, my brother and I had him cremated and then buried in the family plot at the cemetary. No service, no formality. It was kind of nice actually. Dad had ALZ DZ and I think we had all done our grieving day by day as we saw him fade. My Mom, now 90 with ALZ DZ will have the same done for her when she passes away. An obituary was placed in the newspaper where Dad had spent most of his adult life and will be done for Mom also.
Sometimes simplest is best but each family needs to decide. One of the things to consider is who will attend a funeral. When folks reach the advanced age that my folks have there may not be many people left. For example, all my folks brothers and sisters preceeded them in death. Mom and Dad had spent the last years living here with me and never really developed a network of local friends. Some people say a funeral is a closure for those remaining. I would say we all experience closure in our own way. Some need the support that a funeral can provide others don't. Who's to say there is a right or wrong way. It's our memories of our loved ones while they are alive that we will hold dear.

I think you should do what is right for you and forget everyone else. They've not managed to do the "right" thing by her in life so they've no legitimate axe to grind in her death.
My bil wants to be cremated and his ashes put on a river that goes into the sea. As his own family can't be bothered to stay in touch I shall have a cremation with the people who help me with his care.
He loved all things Viking so I've had a wooden ship made by a friend, I made the sails. When the time comes because I'm too disabled to manage alone, a friend who helped with his care will take me to a river we've selected.
Mac's ashes will go on the boat along with a couple firelighter sticks.
My friend does archery and he'll send a burning arrow onto the boat.
I told Mac while he was still lucid and he was thrilled that we would send him to "Valhalla."
I will have outlived the important people in my life so I've requested a no funeral.
Just burial in a bamboo coffin (no embalming) in the New Forest next to my SO with a Rowan tree planted instead of a headstone.
If friends want to do "something" I've asked them to bring a picnic to the New Forest and rather than eating their own picnic, everyone share together. An "Agape" feast in my memory.
If people want to have flowers then I've asked them to donate to the Woodland Trust and buy a tree in my memory.
For me a much better use of the money.

When my dad died, he was cremated and that was it. I still have his ashes. It will be the same for my mom. Neither wanted a service and neither wanted an obituary. My folks moved away from where they'd lived for 35 years (to come near me), so they have no friends here. At 95, mom only has two friends left, one is in a nursing home and one is states away. So they couldn't come to a service if they wanted to. I've taken very good care of both parents, so I couldn't care less what others think. I've done my job as a caregiver and have done it well.

So do what you feel is the right thing to do and don't spend a minute worrying about what other people think.

Neither of my parents had a funeral. My Dad, who passed in 2008, donated his body to the University. We had a lovely visit with him prior to his passing of Cancer, and that was all we needed for "closure." My mother passed away earlier this year, and had made arrangements for cremation with scattering at sea, so that is what we did--no service because she had outlived her friends and family, so who would come! Unfortunately, they divorced after 35 years of marriage and my Dad remarried a widow who lived where he grew up before Mom had her stroke. That is why I ended up being Mom's caregiver for more than 20 years! Talk about not having a life, that is me. Now the house we lived in is in foreclosure and I don't have a place to live once I am booted, and I have some regrets. I am glad I took care of Mom, I just never expected it would be for so long! I began thinking she was going to outlive me! I am still bitter about my siblings not helping me out during that time, and we haven't hardly spoken since Mom's demise. I don't understand how they could live with themselves, but it seems they just thought taking care of Mom was my job and they got to be the popular ones, who Mom looked forward to seeing whenever they decided to drop on by for a visit or they needed something, etc. Well, something will come up for me before I am living on the street, I'm sure. I have a clear conscience, if nothing else.

I forgot to mention that my Dad's "widow" had 7 children who contested my father's Will so they could get their 7/9's of his estate. Once they got hold of the money, they decided to spent $15,000 of it to bury their mother! Some people's children!

Janet, how in the world were those step children able to successfully challenge the will? They must have had a very good attorney.

I agree that funerals are for the living. I don't think you should have to do anything to provide "closure" for uninvolved siblings. Do whatever is most comfortable and comforting for you.

For myself, I would prefer to be cremated and not have a funeral. I would rather get the flowers and love while alive... I would not want someone at my funeral "grieving" when they did not give me love or support in life.

janetrose, wow, you've been through so much! I have my hands full over here with both parents, but at least they are still married 58 years and there are no step kids to complicate matters. How is your health? Let us know what you decide to do.

I will not have funeral for my mom. I may have small immediate family together at actual burial and that's it. My mom has alienated all friends and family so there is no point for us either. We've already grieved and at this point I'm only one who maintains any contact with her. She has expressed her burial wants and I just say ok and will have her buried with dad but as far as the rest of it--I will not waste my energy or estate money for an unnecessary dog and pony show. btw, I don't want any funeral for myself either --if my family and friends choose a party when I'm gone --well I'm all for that, let them enjoy on my dime.

Great decision sunflo2 hope all goes well

You can ask the funeral director to simply make arrangements for a grave-side or cemetery chapel prayer a few days after her death. Closed casket. No ordeal. Just a short 15-minute goodbye.

My dad wanted no service. The kids wanted something for closure, so we arranged to be present for his urn to be placed in the crypt, next to our mom. No clergy or anything. My brother and his children wanted something more, so they're having a small (pizza and soda/beer) celebration at their house, that'll be ordered once they know how many people manage to make it there.

I'm not going to any of it. I've made all the arrangements, I've been grieving for the last seven months, and I need to be done. I've told everyone, for years, that I'm not going to my own service, I'm not going to anyone else's. Dad agreed.

LadeeC

Funerals are for the living. I would hope your friends and family will be supportive while you go through this and when she passes, I hope they will check in on you and just listen if you want to talk, or talk about something trivial when you need to be distracted. I see nothing wrong in no funeral. Remember her by doing positive things for yourself in her honor.
After all you have given I would prefer to think you are in a spa getting a little me time than standing at attention while a bunch of people who have not called you in a year tell you how sorry they are for your loss.

I miss my Dad terribly, after a couple of years of hating a lonely Father's Day, this year I picked up mom, took flowers to the cemetery and took her to a new restaurant. While Dad was alive - that was his thing - he always wanted to try the latest place - not fancy, just new. We did something he would have liked in that we honored him.

Best of luck