How do you deal with an aging parent's constant negativity?

My father had the best defense against my mother's negativity. He lost his hearing and refused to get a hearing aid. He told her that he hears all he wanted to hear. I understand him more daily. :)

Wow! Well I'm glad I'm not the only one that goes through the same thing. Yes, thanks to Dr. Phil and Oprah, the "borders" of the definitions of abuse have definitely expanded over the years. I suppose if a parent gives off enough negativity to the point that it damages a child's self esteem then it would be considered emotional abuse in this day and age...I just never even looked at it that way before, to be honest. My mother has never been a positive person, but it just wasn't as obvious as it is now...or maybe my perception/tolerance of it is what has shifted? I don't know. What I do know is that her attitude has gotten worse as her own health declines, so I suppose maybe that is her way of "dealing with it" to make herself feel a little better? Hopefully as long as I am aware of it, and put her in her place where my grandkids are concerned, I can minimize the impact on the next generations.

Speaking of this subject though...my mother was transferred back to the hospital from the SNF last week - she has a colon infection & is weak. When I went to visit her yesterday, The Price is Right was on. She said "Every single person they have called up there to play today is overweight - and I mean HUGE!" I looked at the TV for a minute and I said "umm - Mom - it's a pregnancy special...they're expecting a baby, for goodness sake!" (((shaking my head)))

Oh, purplesushi, we are dealing with very similar women. I suspect their own low self esteem is why they make the comments they do. I generally ignore it when she does this. I always found not takng the bait the most effective approach. However, I am with you - they are in dangerous territory when it comes to the kids. I will also not allow it. I already told my husband that is my line in the sand. She has taken some swipes at them to me, but not directly at them. Better not happen, that's all I got to say!

Purplesushi...love that name...btw......I think r mothers may be "sista's from anotha motha"...lol

My mother is, n always has been, the most negative force in my life...She does all the same things that u describe ur mom to b doing to u n, worse yet....to total strangers...I agree,,,,IT'S EMBARRASSING!!! I cannot tell u the years that i have wasted trying to get, jst one compliment, out of my mom....no can do!....She is extremely cruel to people who r dealing with weight issues...which, btw, would jst so happen that one of those people, is her own grand-daughter, but that still didnt stop her from saying hurtful things, n my daughter remembers EVERY criticism she every heard, while growing up..I have, always, been in a struggle with mom, over her negativity...

Over the last 10yrs...im 54...i've managed to come to a place where i jst have to accept that my mother enjoys her own misery, n she would love nothing more, than for me to join her in it...NO WAY....i have 3 kids of my own, n i made a vow to myself that i refuse to be that kind of example to my children...Life is hard enough, without mom's input....so, I've learned to jst turn the tables on her...It drives her crazy!! lol....Everytime i see her, n i mean...everytime...she starts our visit off by insulting my appearance within the first 30 sec...I decided to make a game out of her negativity n judgements...I use humor at every turn....n, it works...I refuse to let my mother bring me to "that place", n i make sure n let her kno that...I dont get into any arguments with her....i jst use humor n look for ways to diffuse her nastiness.
I came to realize, years ago....i don't need mom's approval anymore about anything i choose to do with my life or my childrens lives...I dont "give her permission" to spew her opinions, becuz i let her know, right away, that i'm not interested in hearing it...I, recently told her, that, as my mother, she should be supporting n encouraging me, being that i am raising a family of my own. I told her that she had no right nor invitation, to try to make me feel "hopeless.".Wen she starts in with her "dialogue", i jst find something else to talk about, laugh at her ridiculousness, or diffuse it...but i will not allow her to poison my heart, anymore...
Here's the bottom line of our mothers "opinions"....They're like ass-holes.....everybody has one!!!!!! Learn to understand that u r not ur mothers daughters in everything u do n say...U r ur own person, n be proud of that...Moms can play some real head trips on their "daughters"....but, im jst too tired to do it, anymore...I love my mother so much, but we r 2 very different people..I look at it this way,....jst becuz we r the daughters....doesnt mean we cant teach r mother's something...by example...Dont let her get to u...life is short, n we cannot "change" r mothers, but we may b able to help them soften a bit...It's a fight we cannot win...n if mom steps into the ring, without an opponent....Who Wins????..Hang in there....i know wat ur going thru...but u dont have to take any of it....so dont.. Much respect to u

Purplesushi....my advice.....dont waste ur energy on "calling her on it".....it's futile....She is set in her ways, jst as my mom is, n i use my mother's weaknesses to help build my strengths....U can do the same...U r the student....mom, the teacher. She is teaching u how "NOT" to behave in the present n future....She's actually a blessing to u n ur children...Next time u see her.....after the initial insult....give her a hug n say, "Thanks, mom....i really love u".....If nothing else, u'll get a good laugh from the confused look on her face....happens to me all the time....i love it....U'll figure out the best way to handle mom..jst make sure it results in a way that improves u, as a daughter, a mother n a woman....N most important.....laugh......jst like u did with ur daughter...that was beautiful..Misery loves company.....so dont RSVP to the invitation, wen mom presents it....The choice has always been urs....much respect n hugs

Purplesushi--I agree with you that this behavior might just be a part of the time and place of our parents upbringing. My mother has strong opinions about women's weight and looks and she too, doesnt hesitate to share her opinions. She has commented on my weight to me since I can remember. I FINALLY learned when she says "youve put on a couple pounds havent you?"--I just answer "I know Mom". Then if she says something along the lines of "Why don't you go on a diet" or "Are you dieting?" I just reply "yes, I am". Then she has nowhere else to go with her comments. Ignoring, giving one word answers, agreeing... These are my weapons against this behavior!

MY MIL's 'negativitity' morphed into serious anger/rage issues and an inability to deal with her own losses. Her llack of coping skills - possibly exacerbated by small strokes have caused her to be hateful to me - I represent everything she no longer HAS or CAN DO.

We recently - FINALLY - got a healthcare professional (her primary care physician) to tell us that , YES, there IS something WRONG with your MIL and he said it was anger/rage issues and I WAS HER PRIMARY TARGET. Actually, I am her ONLY target. She is sweet as pie to everyone else. The doctor said she does NOT have dementia - that a demented person does not have the control over herself and how she treats others the way my MIL does. She can be nasty to us 1 minute and as soon as the doctor or someone else enters the room, she is instantaneously Miss Sweetheart. He said a demented person does not do this. That it is her anger and rage that she cannot control - her way of dealing with it is to PROJECT it onto me.

After some very upsetting and unsettling things she said and did recently, I left for two weeks (with hubby's blessing - he would have left too, but had to work) and stayed with family in AZ for a while and there was absolutely nothing there to remind me of my MIL. My nerves were shot.

I have been dealing with this hateful person (who, by the way, is ONLY hateful to ME) for several years. NO ONE saw it or heard it except me. I don't think anyone even believed what she was doing. She denies it completely to this day! But, in the last year, she has not been able to 'contain' herself totally and has let her hateful remarks slip out in front of my hubby. BIG MISTAKE.

He now knows for sure (I know he believed me) that his mother is being unfair to me and he won't tolerate it any longer. Since we cannot move her OUT of our home (she does have her own private apt. built onto our home and her own entrance/exits) we have 'separated' from her. He explained how things would be to her before I came back home. I have heard her telling someone on the phone that she is 'waiting for it all to blow over' and 'waiting for me to GET OVER IT.' She hasn't a clue.

My hubby is the 'go-between.' For a short while, I was no longer her care giver - until Medicare cuts caught up with her. So, now, I do my care giving from a distance. I do NOT spend any one on one time with her. I still monitor her meds, make doctor appointments (but friends meet her there and go in/out with her for her foot doctor appts and hubby takes her to her other appts now) and she rides the Senior van when possible. I don't drive her any more.

I still send meals over and make sure she has groceries and frozen foods that are easy to prepare. Thankfully, she can bathe herself and dress herself, etc. I clean her apt. when she leaves to go to the doctor. She can always tell when I clean because I will hear her say 'the place smells like bleach.' She never says, 'OH, how nice, Oldcodger2 cleaned my apt. for me today' :0( She cannot acknowledge any kindness I do for her. Because ME cleaning her apt. is like telling her she can't. So, it just cause her more anger. But, she really CAN'T do thorough cleaning. She does keep the place picked up - but I clean every 2-3 weeks.

She blames this separation on ME. My hubby told her - 'mom, you brought this on yourself. It is your attitude. If you treated anyone else the way you treat her - NO ONE would eveyr stop by or call you. She just said 'I have to defend myself' and my husband said 'against WHAT???!!!' It is just the strangest thing we have ever dealt with.

We have blocked the doors leading into our part of the house - so I no longer receive surprise visits. She comes over once in a while for a meal with my husband and I IF WE INVITE HER. Otherwise, we are just neighbors.

My blood pressure is still higher than it should be - it was in the 120's/60's while in AZ. It's about 20-30 points higher here. But my doctor said I don't have a BP problem - I have a MIL problem. So, we are doing what we must to preserve peace and my sanity. You do begin to doubt yourself when dealing with someone like this. I do pity her. I won't say I have never gotten angry with her - mostly after she has pushed all my buttons. But I have been kinder to her than she ever was to me.

I probably should get counseling so that I can continue to be her care giver on a more personal level - but right now I just don't want to. So, I may be just as bad off as she is. The difference is that I still think of her and I do kind things for her and she never has a kind word for me to anyone and vilifies me at every opportunity. For this reason, I stay away from her. She does not deserve me.

Thankfully, her minister knows what's up with her and does not take her hateful remarks about me to heart. He has known my hubby and I for what and who we are for over 25 years. He knows that we do not do the kinds of things she says we do or for the REASONS she claims. But, it is hurtful to know that she does this behind our back - and mostly her aggression is towards me. Even though we have told her WHY the situation will never be the way it was before - we even have a half hour recording of us trying to 'reason' with her and help her understand 'what she said that hurt me to much - she adamantly refused to accept any responsibility or make any apology that anyone could construe as sincere and got up and went into her apt. and slammed the door.

End of discussion. So, things are a bit better. I can actually go for a few hours at a time and not think of her.

Hi purpleshusi, I know what you are talking about. My mom too is the most negative person on earth. She is also 82. I do agree that this is a learned behavior, her father was this way. However, her mother, who was dirt poor, a share cropper's daughter, was the most generous, loving, sweet woman on earth. I think sometimes people choose this behavior because it makes them feel superior to others.

There is a great deal of arrogance with Mom and she is paying the piper now. I have nothing to do with her, long story.

However, there is one thing you said I must comment on. You said your mother was not abusive. I disagree, your lack of self esteem speaks volumes. It took me a long time to see what both of my parents did to me. I realized it is our job to nurture our children and help them be able to go out and fight their battles. Not to tear them down to satify our own egos. Think about it. I am not saying you should be where I am, goodness no. But look at the reality and the effect it had on you.

We are wounded by words as if they were blows and many times it goes unrecognized, Take care

Madge1-totally agree with you. My mother could be a lot of fun, but she could also be so mean. It took me a long time to see that what she was doing was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have taught my children that you cannot say whatever you want to someone else just to make yourself feel better. My mom would say such hurtful things. Later she might apologize, mostly she would just act like it never happened. She didn't know what a toll it took on my self esteem. She passed away 5 years ago. I try to hold on to the good memories and let go of the bad. Interestingly, my MIL is living with us. She is much the same. So negative and ugly. Funny thing is it doesn't work on me. I see the games she plays and I just don't engage. It works for me, but my husband has a harder time. I do draw the line when it comes to our children. I have managed to shield them thus far. But I will not put up with any ugliness towards them. That is game over for me.

I feel like I could've written this thread question. My mother is a chronic complainer and negative person. She'll be 86 next month. She loves to talk about "fat" people, ugly people, people she might suspect are gay, etc when we're in public. It drives me insane when she gasps and points out an overweight person. Mom is hard of hearing, so that person she points out, often times, hears Mom gasping and will turn around to see my mother with her hand up to her face in horror, sometimes even pointing toward them with her cane. As much as I tell her to knock it off, or that I'm not interested in the size of someone's ass, she still does it. She may even repeat the nasty remark like I didn't hear it the first time. And, I tell her that I heard it, so she knows I'm ignoring it. I walk away from her in stores if she won't stop and I always try to direct the way we walk, away from someone I know she'll target. She's critical of everyone and everything. No situation can be completely positive. There's always a flaw. She's driven away all of her grandchildren, and it only gets worse. Now, if one of them attempts to visit her, she gets angry at them when they walk in the door, for not coming over more often and gets into their face about it. So, then they don't come back. I wish I didn't have to. I see her several times a week and talk to her at least once a day. I can't stand her. All I hear is how hard her life has been, how "awful" her life is, how my dad is a bum (he is!), how she's suffered, how over weight people are, how tacky people dress, how she doesn't like my nail polish or clothes, blah, blah, blah. If I bring a meal over, she curls her lip up like she doesn't approve of whatever it is that I've made. Its so insulting. I told my kids to just hand me a loaded gun if I ever get to be a sour woman like my mother. My mother will also say something horrible to someone like its a joke, and we all know she's not joking. I mentioned on a thread somewhere else that I googled my two aunts online obits to see how long they lived so that I could gage how long I have to put up with my mother. I'm just waiting for my parents to die at this point so that I can be done. It looks like I might have another 8 or 10 yrs left. I never noticed before recently, how my mother needs to be the center of attention and I've watched her put on a character that she'd like people to think she is, if that makes sense. We just went to a family reunion together. My mother took on a personality of what she must think is a sweet, funny, affectionate old lady. She called me "her baby" several times and then in front of a room full of people, asked me "aren't you going to give your mama a kiss?" when I was leaving. That was the final straw. I told her quietly the next day to stop referring to me as her baby and that I've never once in my life called her "mama" and that she needs to stop. The look of rage and disgust that was probably on my face was probably enough to make her realize that I was going to lose it, but she acted hurt, like she only calls me that because she loves me so much. Someone had even said something about winning the lottery at the reunion and my mother said she won it already when she had me. OMG. Sick. It was disgusting. I'll quit raving. Its nice that we're not alone in this!