katiec Asked August 2010

What can I do if I am having a hard time dealing with my mom's temper trantrums?

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She also get a shower. Mom lived very independently for a long time. Some family and friends thought she was the sweetest, most generous person but on the other hand she didn't always get along with neighbors and was often overly suspicious of some home businesses, sometimes with good reason. I don't think she can be talked rationally out of the tantrums, which are sometimes over very minor, temporary things, and I still can't get the hang of distracting or telling white lies to divert her attention, and I feel bad for the staff or people who just got yelled at by her. Worried that I am losing my feelings for her as my Mom when she is in this state, losing my ability to connect to her as a human being. Any regular or religious books to recommend or websites? She's in a temporary living situation that is not ideal and not to her liking but I fear it will be the same whereever she goes, she won't participate in activities, will act out sometimes, feel paranoid, etc. Exhausted by all of this. Help please!

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Momofmany Oct 2016
I'm new to this behavior too. My mother displayed quite a tantrum just yesterday. Insistent her cell phone was broken when in fact it is her inability to use it in the moment. Full on yelling at me,throwing her phone down,pacing yelling,repeating the process. Finally,as you all have said,you cannot reason w/them. I said well mom I'm sorry you're having all this trouble. Your phone is fine,you're having difficulty and I'm really sorry. But I'm going home until this can be addressed when you're not carrying on so much. Of course it made her madder,but I had been working with her for 30min prior too my statement. Finally I told her I'm no longer going to be party to the tantrum and will check back with her later. She flounced off to sit on the couch and I said "Talk to you later mum". Close monitoring is in order
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bookworm Dec 2012
Hi Seashore -- I checked your profile. Your Wall Post is closed off so that nobody can comment on it for a one-to-one personal message with you.

If you want this to become PUBLIC, so that we can comment and give you HUGS:
Go to your Profile on the top right and Click on EDIT ACCOUNT.
Click on EDIT PROFILE.
Scroll down to ABOUT ME Box: And Click on WALL POSTS - the PUBLIC box.

Mishka and MsDaizy had made some good comments. So, I have nothing to add to it. I hope it helps you. HUGS!!! Book
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MishkaM Dec 2012
Hi seashore-first -about getting answers if you have your email alert set up you will get an email when someone posts on this site. I think you click on "m account" to find the place to click on email alerts.
Second-I am so very very sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter. Breaks my heart. You need time to heal and , perhaps, counseling. Or a support group. Your mother sounds like she is not going to be a support for you -that she just may not have it in her. Does she have dementia? Or has she always been negative? Some people just cannot be empathetic or at least, communicate empathy. My mom is very very self involved -has been her whole life and more so since her stroke and subsequent dementia . I went to a therapist when she was diagnosed to deal with my demons with her. I had always wanted an " aha moment " with her-a time when she would finally look at me and apologize for all the thing she did to hurt me but when her diagnosis of Alzheimer's came ( she now has a different diagnosis but similar ) I knew that I would not get an apology from her and that from then on she would need me and I did not know if I could do it without facing some issues. So I went to a good therapist for several months and worked through my anger and disappointment. It helped a lot. My mom did the best she could. She was not evil or mean spirited just very flawed. As we all are. I really had to forgive her without getting the apology I so wanted. And now I can help her without anger ( well, usually-there are still times when I get upset but I know the anger will pass).

I do not know if this will help you but know I will keep you in my prayers. Please try and find support. And God bless.
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msdaizy Dec 2012
All I know is my mom would never do or act the way she is now...she would be mortified knowing how she is right at this given moment. She was always the kind compassionate soul who would give up the food on her plate for anyone who was hungry. She never wanted to be a burden on anyone. This is the disease we are talking about...not our loved ones.
Please bare in mind...dementia effects the brain and it's chemicals..and the disconnection of the sensory's ...we see our loved ones at times and other times, they are not there, they are vacant. They might tell stories the feel are true. But to reason with them is not the answer...again its the disease.
The dementia with my mom has changed her demeanor, her whole attitude at times. I'm sorry for your frustrations...but please remember they have no control over what is happening to them...as much as we do. I wished there was some miracle pill...but the only thing we can do right now..is love them no matter what. It might hurt sometimes..but we need to separate ourselves from that hurt and do what's best for them. And sometimes what's best is for us to walk away, or let someone in a facility take over...rejuvenate ourselves. Because sometimes how we react to what happening only makes it worst. As frustrating my dear mom can be at times...I will always kiss her on the cheek at night and tell her I love her. Sit with her on the bed, rub her back, put my arm around her. So she knows she is loved.
But most of all take care of you...God bless you all for what you are doing.
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seashore Dec 2012
My mother has become impossible to deal with. I don't know whether to keep calling her or just give up. It seems like she has always been disapointed in me. I try so hard to be patient and understanding. Tonight, I told her to have a nice weekend and she said, "Oh I probably won't because Tim (my brother coming to see her from out of town) is going to a wedding this weekend then he will be leaving. I told her maybe if she looked at things a little differently she wouldn't be so miserable. Everything that comes out of her mouth is negative. My daughter was killed this ear by a drunk driver. She stated that my daughter's eyes were probably so full of glass that she would haver never been able to see again. I think I have had more than enough to deal with with my own things and the emotional and physical pain over losing my daughter has done me in. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I want a close relationship with my mom but she is meaner by the minute. Don't know if she is even truthful most of the time. My daughter left me her life insurance and my mom claims that she is broke. I don't know what to think anymore. Please someone help. Thank you
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jerseygrl26 Oct 2012
Tell me how do you handle someone who was diagnosed with MILD Parkinson's and MILD dementia and treats them as if they were full blown? Her neurologist tells us her conditions are extremely mild but to see her and the way she acts is a different story. She worked till she was 79 and I swear the very next day she changed. She's now 86 and takes what I call "temper tantrums", when she gets in these "I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING BY MYSELF" moods. she "NEEDS" help with getting dressed and undressed, with walking, sitting and standing, with food and such in the garbage, to going to the bathroom. She has a wonderful home aid who comes for 5 hrs a day, she helps her bath and cooks her food, and does her laundry but aside from that she encourages my mother to do for herself since she lives by herself, ( I live 3 minutes away from her by foot, so she's never out of reach). She exercises everyday by walking up and down 2 flights of stairs and uses a stationery motorized peddle bike daily for her arms and her legs to keep her active.She's on her own on weekends and does just fine, she makes herself breakfast, to light house work. She can be living such a better life if she would just stop using what little is wrong with her as a crippling disease. It's just so frustrating because when she gets in theses moods she becomes extremely stubborn and impossible to deal with. Today I actually put her in time out. She started in with "I can't take my clothes off", she was in her bedroom, her home aid was making lunch and I was in the living room, so I told her if she wants to act like a 2 year old I was putting her in time out! I closed her bedroom door and sat in the living room for 15 mins, Well guess what...she changed herself and put her own nightgown on! I give up don't know what else to do.
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CC2AGAIN Sep 2010
Charlie, Glad I could help. There are no cut and dry answers to this...NONE. Do not let anyone tell you there are. There are not. It is not an easy thing to do or watch...My dad died from cancer and that I had rather watch than this. This is no cut and dry desease. I am just glad your mom is still functioning...One thing I have learned....If they want to or not...We have to be their voice and make them get up and do things it would be easier to lay in bed and not do....I do not let momma tell me she can't.... I tell her yes you can..Now get up I will be beside you but you are not going to use this as an excuse not to do what I know you can do...Get up and let's go.....I honestly think that has kept her with me and moving more....Because I insist that she do it.....If she acts like she can not remember...I remind her you remember at night....Now no let's go...
She does....So I honestly feel that is why she is still moble....So keep that in mind...I am here if you ever need to talk..Okay? Hugs to you...Sharon
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Thank you Sharon,
I will pray for you. Mom is still very present, she bathes, gets her hair done and so on. so I think my road is easier than yours. Your words have helped me to find gratitude for what is still here . God and all of his angels are indeed looking after you. I wish you peace/ One thing I do know is that when this is over we will not regret the time we spent and the things we did.
If I did not do for her now, I would regret it as long as I live
Hugs back Charlie
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CC2AGAIN Aug 2010
Charlie, I am sorry to hear this. For I am going thru the same thing. My mom is at home. I find myself at times seeing her as my mom, yet most of the time I see her, she has the body of my mom, but she is gone. So what I tell myself is this.................This is your mom's body...But the person you knew as your mom is gone...She is. She is not my mom. My mom would never let herself go as she has....So i have to pick up the slack and give her a bath, cook for her, keep her clothes clean, etc. I know there has been days I did not want to get up...Scared she will be gone or going thru another psycotic episode...I can not handle those and I was a nurse. However, I have always made it clear, " I am not a gereactrics person" And I am not. Hon the way I see it simple.......
That is the woman you loved all your life.....But is that person alive or is it just a body that has not chosen to shut down yet? When I can say the latter, I have no emotions. My pastor says I have hit acceptace...perhaps I have. But I stay in my room with my dogs and hold on tight to the angels that are everywhere, and the Lord to pull me thru it. I did not help I know. But do not feel guilty....Perhaps my Pastor is correct....We have hit acceptace...I used to get angry with her cause she had this. But then I reallized She can not help plaque is building in her brain. Her voice is still with me, her body is still with me....But her mind is gone. So hang in there. You will know soon how come you feel like you do....Just know you are not alone. Yeah like that helps. But that is all I have to offer you. My time and understanding.....HUGS TO YOU.....SHARON
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I too am struggling with my mom's behavior. She is rude and unkind to both of her sons. We are the ones who are taking the time and trouble to care for her. Her suspicion and frequent lack of appreciation for the things we do is beginning to wear us down. She wants to stay in her home. She needs lots of care to be able to do that and yet she treats us so unpleasantly. I don't think it is dementia because she is able to be polite and pleasant with everyone else. Sometimes she realiizes how mean she has been. Then she cries and says she doesn't know why she acts that way. BUT she doesn't actually apologize. She'll say "I'm sorry but sometimes a mother just has to say these things." Today while I was talking to the social worker on the phone. She told me to " stop talking"
I am losing patience. Sometimes I just want to walk away. Any suggestions about maintaining a love an compassion for her will be welcomed. Charlie
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