Dealing with a divided family and you are the one that is expected to show up for the aging parent?

everyones right here, I have panic attacks on the drive to see my mom. No one else visits. I just visit once a week unless I am weak mentally, for just an hour.
I stopped updating my family because if they dont take the time to visit, they have no right to know how she is doing.
I used to visit more because I was worried about what the NH people thought of me and other guilty thoughts.... but it was not good for Me.

Moecat, not everyone likes visiting hospitals, nursing homes, Assisted Living or even Independent Living facilities. I know, it's not fair to the person who is living in such a place.

I know I get really annoyed with my sig other as he doesn't want to step foot in any of these places because it reminds him of his future. Well, both he and I are 70 years old. I have no problem going into a place. In fact, I find it interesting whenever there is a traffic jam of wheelchairs and watching the elders trying to figure out what to do next.

For yourself, there is no need to visit every day. I had thought the same way with my Dad when he moved to a senior facility. But one time I couldn't visit for a week because of transportation and Dad never complained once or asked where I was. That was my clue, I didn't need to go every day. Now I am down to visiting for a hour on Sunday.

Instead of visiting everyday, perhaps you can write your mom little notes and mail them. She'll be the envy of the nursing home whenever mail comes around. It's the thought that counts and you can share your life in manageable chunks.

Take care of yourself and attend to your needs first.

I totally agree with eyerishlass, and can hardly find anything to add to what she's said. I just want to emphasize that you have the right to take care of yourself first, or take care of yourself only if that becomes necessary. There's a difference between what you can do and what is healthy for you to do. There's also a difference between what you can do and what you ought to have to do. You should not put your physical or mental health in jeopardy to help a family member, especially when there are others who could pitch in who are choosing not to do it. You can't force others to do what you would like, but you can choose what you will and will not do, and take care of yourself without apologies. Good luck and keep us posted!

thank you...breathing over here. allowing others expectations dictate my time thank you so much, once again.

Have you asked your extended family if they could go and visit your mom? If so but they still don't unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about it. We can't make people do things they don't want to do.

We also can't let the behavior of others affect how we feel. If your family won't pitch in that's on them, not you. Try to let it go and not let it affect you.

Do what you can do and let that be good enough. I understand you want to care for your mom but going to the nursing home everyday isn't necessary. I'm assuming your mom is in a nursing home because she couldn't be cared for at home by family. So let the nursing home do its job. Visit when you can. Call and check on your mom on the days you can't visit. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself in thinking you have to visit everyday.

Send an occasional email to your family keeping them up to date on how your mom is doing and include something like, "Mom and I had a great time today and she asked how you were doing. She sure would love to see you." And then leave it at that.