Dad is getting violent and more threatening. Can I have him moved to a nursing home so he doesn't hurt someone?

Asked by

1. Mom passed 12 years ago, no will, no living trust. Left me and my brother a small account, Dad has been hiding it from us and trying to cash it out, but bank won't let him, and they are sending him the statements still in Moms name. Can he get an attorney to help him get access to the account? We've just been sitting back and watching him to see what he does because we know if we confront him about it, he'll lose his temper and do who knows what. Possibly more damage than actually cashing out the account.

2. Mom also left my youngest daughter a small college fund, daughter is heading off to college next August. Every time Dad gets mad at me, or wants attention from anybody in the family, he threatens to pull the college fund out from under my daughters feet. The fund consist of savings bonds still in moms name, and some small CDs he is beneficiary to. Probably nothing we can do about it, but thought I'd ask. I'm tired of having him threaten me with the college fund my mom worked to save for her grandaughter. My mom was actually the bread winner of the family made 55,000 a year, 12 years ago, my dad made 14,000 a year working part time.

3. Dad is getting violent and more threatening, problem is he has a long history of this. My brother and I were abused as children, black eyes, welts from beatings, etc... We've both risen above our childhood, but Dad is getting worse. He threatened me last night worse than I've seen in years, if he were younger, he would have bounced my head off the kitchen table and had me on the floor kicking me like he used to. We know this behavior is not Alzheimers or Dementia, it's the way he is, can we have him moved to a home for this type of behavior now before he hurts someone? He will not cooperate with this, no way, no how, and would seek revenge.

Any ideas or discussion as always, much appreciated. Sorry to bring the ugliness to you all today.

Answers 1 to 9 of 9
Top Answer
First you need to report him to the police and hopefully they will lock him up or place him in a psch, ward and you need to get an elder lawyer to advise you do not try to reason with him and I would report his behaivor to social service-is he dependent on you for his care

Behaviors without consequences are apt to be repeated over and over. Austin gave you great pointers, use them. In the meantime, don't do anything that can encourage his behavior; but don't take any abuse either. Good luck my friend, and keep us posted.

-- ED
Yes he is dependent on me for care, which is why I'm getting the brunt of the abuse, I to some degree have been trying to protect my other family members, but they know full well how dad is. He is still able to drive himself, do his shopping, and putter around his house, but he can barely read, can't hear well and won't get a hearing aid, can't walk very far, and refuses to get the full medical attention he needs, he has heart disease including a pace maker, but refuses to take all of his medication, had prostate cancer, quit the shot therapy he was sopose to have every three months, a year early. It just goes on and on. I had not thought of reporting him to social services, that's an idea to look into. As well as my talking to an elder lawyer, very good idea.
I will get on my band wagon again. I have had my parents living with me for almost 2 years and at first I spoke to a "regular attorney"....big mistake. Make sure the person you hire is specialized in Elder Law, because it is so specialized. I hired one a few weeks ago and sooooo wish I would have done it right from the beginning. Not only do they have a wealth of financial information, but also agencies and programs that are right for you and your situation. My Dad was also abusive to me and my siblings, so I understand. My Dad can no longer care for himself and I just had a down and out discussion with him about what type of behavior I would accept from him and what I would not. I let him know if the abuse verbal or physical continued he is out of here and I am done with him. He straightened up right away. Every now and then he "tests the waters" and I nip it in the bud right away. It is hard to do, but there needs to be consiquence for bad behavior. Good Luck.
Bigsis, As for the bank account, all you have to do is get a death ceft. take it to the bank. If you mother did leave you anything then she would have your name on the account. First find out what bank it is, then call them they will be about to help you. My mother has lefted my brother and I some money after her passing. She has it in a CD, in her name but has our names on the account if anything happens. If your mother has a college fund for your daughter her name may also be on the CD's . I would find out from the bank not to say anything to you dad. After your daugther is 18 it's her's anyways. My father lefted my son a lump sum of money for college also. It did belong to my mother but once he turned 18 it was his. No one can get it other then him now. This was a insurance policy/college fund. If I was you I would call and find out everything I could and not let anyone know what you are doing. This way it will keep the peace in the family. Hope things work out for you. Take care.
I guess I'd tell the dad, 'Dad if you don't want me around, that's fine'. Then I'd leave him alone. He's going to die a hateful, unhappy person but that has nothing to do with you. You have NO power to change him, help him unless he wants help, or make him a better person. period. I would however do as sissy suggested with the death certificate and the bank, that's what your mother wanted. If he was as hateful to your mother as he was to you and your brother, then I'd make sure that the money that your mom wanted you guys to have, was carried out exactly as she planned. It will be her way of doing what she wanted to do from beyond the grave so to speak. Leave him alone unless he begs you to come back and help him. If some miracle happens and he actually DOES beg you to come back, only help him if he's kind to you, otherwise leave him alone again. Maybe some positive reinforcement is what he needs. I don't know. I'm sorry you had to deal with a childhood like that. It stinks.
In regards to your money issues visit the bank and talk to them, they can assist you or direct you to others who can help. You'll have to research for the requirements for placing a violent person in a home. He might be different with other people. The administrators either at an assisted living or nursing home can help you with that decision. I live in Pa and there's an agency called a Place For Mom which advises you on the different places. Also your local hospital's social worker will have information for you.
Why place a violent person in a home? So he can continue to victimize others? Staff? Patients? Why was he not reported years ago to the police? It was your mom's responsibility to call the cops the very first time he abused you!
Defintiely call the police before he kills you they will put him in a phsch unit for 3 days and you can tell the social workers that he is a danger to you -do not approch him or just leave him alone and call a hotline for mental health and report that he is attacking you and is a danger to himself and others-they will mediciate him as needed-you hace been warned by him-he is beyond your help.

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support