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I know what you mean. Mom with dementia, is not really Mom anymore. I have been caring for her 24/7, for 2 years now. Sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. Comes with the territory! I don't know any 2 people that could stand each other 24/7 without getting testy.(sometimes a lot) When Mom gets nasty and tells me to shut up, I clam up and stop talking to her. She soon misses my big mouth, and starts acting human again, to get attention. Now that I have a CNA here almost every day, she does the same to her! It's just another aspect of care giving that we have to deal with. Good luck!
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Deefer12, Thanks for the "clam up" advice. I have on occasion bitten my tounge for fear of what might come out and didn't realize that it worked to diffuse the situation!
I've always been of the opinion (having had cats) that sometimes negative attention is better than none at all to them!
Don't take the bait! That's what they want! Problem is that's what the devil wants also. Does he take advantage of our loved ones weakened condition to poke at us? Yes! Is it hard to resist? Yes! But no weapon formed against us shall prosper!
We just keep loving them, and loving them and loving them!
We place all our trust in God and He makes our path straight!
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when she wants to argue , tell her ure not going to aruge and walk away ,
it always works for me . no point in standing there and aruge about nonsense .
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If and when he gets REALLY combative next....call 911. He will be taken to the hosp. and you can have a geriatric evaluation at that time. Take part in this eval!!!! (The docs have been telling me how "charming" my mom is for some time, but not with me!!). The hosp. will know what to do & for your safety you may have to use an NH. Explore your financial alternatives (Medicare, Medicaid etc.). Protect yourself!
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What worked for me today was saying to my grouchy (previously always smiling, kind) ill mom: "My mom taught me to never say anything bad about anyone, or to anyone, or talk about negative things". I am unsure whether or not she got the connection that I was talking about how she had brought me up, but she stopped complaining, at least for a few hours. Another time, I said to her "it is unacceptable saying mean things and talking like that (saying mean things to me or about others)". That worked for the rest of the day. I simply remind her that it is bad behavior she is exhibiting and it is not going to be tolerated by me. I also remind her if someone is coming over, not to say things that would hurt someone's feelings. Problem is, she is back to square one in several hours, or the next day. It does give me some peace in between. I guess she is in pain and is only thinking of herself. She needs the reminder that what she says can affect others.
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I also refuse to argue with my mom anymore .... she can be very argumentative and this behavior comes and goes. I see it as her way of trying to "hold on" ...... when I remember that she isn't quite herself anymore then I can make a decision as to not let her negative behavior affect me ..... easier said than done, tho. She seems to want to pick an argument when I'm driving her someplace in the car --- so I start thinking of more joyful things and ignore her.
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I have been taking care of my 81yr. old Dad 4 2yrs. He has Dementia but is in Compleat denile !! WONT go 2 DRS. No Meds. & he is out of control . I never knew what i was getting into . I,m a "PRISONER in my SMALL RM". He is ALWAYS MEAN & MISERABLE !! I never know WHAT the day is going 2 bring when i open my door 2 walk out 2 the bathroom ! I always have my door 2 my room "Barricaded" so he can't come in. His temper is unreal & he has NO SENSE. I don't know what i'm gonna have 2 do, but my life ENDED 2 YRS. AGO. i am here 24/7 w/ NO HELP. i, not sure what 2 do. I have POA. & Guardianship. Any ideas ?
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Probably answered a couple times within the threads. But, the anger, and arguing is part of the dementia. I fought and fought with mom because I wanted to Explain to her or to Reason with her. A person with dementia should not be reasoned with. They won't get it. I learned how to properly work with her dementia from a local support group. They taught me a simple acronym CARE. Don't Correct or Criticize - it will only anger them
Don't Argue - they will only attack you more in that never ending battle to be right
Don't Reason - they believe they are right, so why do it
Don't Explain - they don't care what your explanation is

I keep this by my bed and my desk as a reminder. It helps a lot to get me into the "just step away from the situation" mode.
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Does he have a doctor? If so, talk to him about getting some meds to calm him down. You can always slip them into his favorite food. Once you get him calmed down, you might be able to talk to him. If he does have dementia, he's probably very frightened and reacting badly because of this. Talk to anyone working with the elderly and see what kind of advice they can give you. Good luck!
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You probably will never change him all you can do is change how he affects you if you have told him how he hurts you when he acts that way and it did not good try to seperate yourself from him for a period of time and if he calls for you make him wait give yourself the power that he thinks he has and you should call 911 unless he can turn it on and off like my husband did they will be able to take him to the hospital and do not hurry to go there yourself let them see how he really is after a few times they will see there is a problem themselves.
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