How do I deal with my 71-year-old alcoholic mother?
My mother whom I love dearly has CHF and high blood pressure, both uncontrolled. She also is an alcoholic. She drinks with the neighbors until she can barely stand while I sit inside waiting for her to come in to insure she doesn't injure herself, which she has fallen several times. I've spoken with and argued with her neighbors to no avail. It is out of control. When she's sober, she's depressed. I've asked her to let me take her to grief counseling(2 children, both parents, sister and brother). I know somethings on her mind, but she is so stubborn..I don't know what to do. I've tried to turn my back on her because she gets belligerent, hateful, violent towards me and my dog(this is when i'm trying to assist her so she won't fall). I've prayed, cried, screamed, punched walls, etc, etc. I thought I was gonna have a breakdown this am. I can't stop crying. I work, sometimes 14 hr days. I can't stand to be around her when she's sober or drunk because I think of all the hateful things she said to me or about me. I do everything for her. I leave work to bring breakfast n lunch( thankfully I don't work far from her)....i'm afraid for her and myself....she only has me and a son left and when I called him this am for some assistance( he lives about 900 miles away), he told me to put her in a nursing home. How dare he? My back is against the wall....I am so stressed n depressed, I don't know what to do. Does anyone have an elderly parent who is an alcoholic? What am I supposed to do? She switched drs recently after the first one told her if she continued to drink she will die. She's not taking meds. I placed her in rehab about 2 yrs ago, but 1 week later she was at it again. I want my life back, but it's revolving around her. Help......................
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You are the most important person here. You cannot accept responsibility for your mothers actions. She has too. She has to reach a bottom. Until that time you cannot help her. Everything you are doing is enabling her. You don't deserve to be treated this way, no one does! I realize you are busy, but there is a group out there called Alanon. It is for those of us who have a family member that is an alcoholic. They will help you and you will learn what role you play in all of this. Please check into it for your sake. I wish you the best.
Call social services and get some information about intervention. Ask if there is a place where your Mom can go permenantly that will both help her recover and keep her safe while she is getting herself together.
Siblings who "flee," as your brother did, often tell the caregiving sibling to "put the parent in a nursing home." This is his way of checking out and letting you know that he is not willing to help. Take this at face value...he will never step up.
You feel trapped now...and rightfully so. The only person who will save you is YOU. Talk to social services NOW and learn about your options. Detach yourself as a daughter and become a "manager." Find her the best placement and have her stay there until she is able to function again. Then you can monitor her care...leave the rest up to the professionals. What you are doing now is not working.
In the meantime, find a place of your own and start a new life. Make new friends and socialize. You are way to young to be burdened by another's self-destructive behavior.
good luck
I lost my Dad, too, but he was is the throes of cirrhosis, much younger than your Mom.
Put the above information all together for yourself: Value Yourself, Detach from the drama, Seek legal protection for Mother and control for YOU. Find out where Alanon meets near you--usually at a community center or a church. Live YOUR life.
Blessings to you, dear one.
Also, anyone who is an alcoholic is nuts. Every time they drink, it will feel like you are in a hellish wonderland. The abuse and manipulation is horrible for anyone close to them. You need to emotionally detach from your mom for your own sanity. Rehabs rarely work and AA has only a 3% success rate. Although Alanon may help you to separate yourself from your mom. Also the baclofen slows down alcohol use even if taken in smaller doses and never increased. Your mom needs to see a doctor who knows alcoholism is a disease and is best treated with meds. I am not pro-meds, but I have seen a loved one who has enormous amounts of self-control, not be able to stop drinking. Good luck!
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