I'm so sad for your heartache. A broken heart takes a while to heal - the fact that you care so much means your decision was probably to give her the best care at this time. You did not say how she is doing, but hopefully she is in a good place and you can still visit her...
I have not had to make that decision yet, and empathize with you as a single woman who dreads that day herself. I hope you will be ok, everyone on this board is pulling for you - just keep writing & hopefully you will come to peace with your decision.
Hello. Just had to do the same thing in March. I'm still getting adjusted to not having her at home with me. Stress and being on call 24/7 was so embedded in my life. However, I visit her every 2-3 days, and I realized that I'm spending more joy filled times with her now. I can just sit and make silly talk and hold her hands and brush her hair and just spend quality time with her. This is rewarding and helps me cope to realize it is the best choice for her at this time since she is severe end stage Alzheimers. She remains pleasant and in otherwise good health.
I'm in the process of having to make this decision for my mother. My fiance and I moved in with her after my dad died in Jan, '09. She has diabetes, high BP, and dementia, but is in denial about the dementia. We have had to replace several major appliances so far, and the place is a mess, as nothing has been done in a long time. My mom clearly can't be alone at all, and does things that put her in danger. She fell and broke her arm this past Monday, and is still in the hospital. Her doctors have suggested looking into assisted living for her, due to the above mentioned issues. I'm an only child, and I quit my job in anticipation of taking care of her. Due to her health issues,however, I'm really torn over which decision to make. All she wants to do is come home, and she's told me she doesn't want to be put in a nursing home, etc., and is very paranoid about this. Her short-term memory is pretty much gone, and she is confused much of the time. I have to follow her around when she's at home, and can't leave the house. I will have to give her insulin if she comes home, and she has already stated that she intends to go back to her old regimen, which wasn't working. I had help (retired nurse) lined up, but she had to back out. Am I just avoiding the inevitable, or would it be better to try to make it work for her at home? I would appreciate any advice, as I'm really upset about this!
Of course you are upset! You feel like you should be able to do it all. But you are doing what is best and safest for your mom. You are getting help, that is all. You've tried other ways and they aren't enough (or haven't worked, or don't work anymore). Please know you are doing what is best for Mom. You have honored her and continue to do so by getting her the best care possible. Stay close and help her through the transition. Be her advocate. You will eventually find that you enjoy each other more, since your visits won't be totally about health care.
Please keep checking in. This is a hard time for you, but you are doing the right thing. Keep a close eye to know she is getting the right care, but treat the staff as team members. Make friends with them. An antagonistic attitude doesn't help. You'll all be a team and help your mom.
I know how you feel. I have not had to place my mother yet. My husband and I have gone into counseling to help us either find ways to cope with her in our home, or to make a decision to place her in a facility. My mother has never been diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder, but we are pretty sure this is what she has based on her behaviours. It is breaking my heart to think that we may have to place her, but feel it is coming to this. Counseling is our last resort. Please continue to let everyone on this site help you through this time in your life.
PRAY i want have to make that decision but, if i do then like you OUT OF LOVE do want is best for her. I work in nuring homes for 15yrs. and have seen family place family there and just walk away.I am so happy to read you go visit her and know she is getting the BEST of both worlds ,good care and YOU, a win win decision. I hope you'll not down on yourself for doing a wonderful thing. ALSO, your caregiving to her is not over, just differet .She still wants and need you,that means,taking care of yourself!
I am in the processes of doing the medicaide paperwork with an elder lawyer and my husband was starting to accept that his care was too much for me and now is weaker and he even told me and the social worker that he could not go home. Today a nurse was in his room when he was on the phone with me and asked him to hang up because she wanted to talk to him and did not want his wife to hear what she was going to talk to him about- he did not hang up just put the phone down and she asked him why he is sad and he said he could not go home and she told him he could go home and try it out and could g=come back-which is not true he has to be home 60 days and then enter a hospital for 3 days before he could be readmitted to a nursing home-I was so upset after I told him I could not care for him with only 7 hr. daily aides esp, now he has urineary problems and I have many health problems, then I called the DON and said the nurse had no right to give her opinions when she did not know the whole situation and I had been in two days ago working with the social worker and he is now on pending medicaide status.
Just keep in mind you are doing what is best for the health of the person, not your own personal comfort and that you have fully evaluated the facility that they are going to live in.
Angela is correct. These options are often the best for the safety and health of the person you are caring for. Unless you have total around-the-clock support, you can't continue on your own forever and give good care. But you must remain the advocate. Find a good facility and then be a visible part of the team (without being obnoxious). Be friendly, but let it be known you are there. You'll find that a good compromise, though the transition may be hard. Carol
Hello there. I too am in a similar situation having cared single-handed for my 90 year old Mum who has Alzheimers. I've got to the stage whereas I can't handle any more abuse or violence. I thought we'd done with that 2 years ago - but unfortunately not. I have Social Services coming this afternoon and we're supposed to be taking her to see her doctor - and I just hope to God for her safety and mine that we can resolve this.
My two sisters and I have just put our mother in a nursing home because of complications with type 1 diabetes worsening so that mom needs adjustments in her insulin and blood sugar checks constantly! Mom is very upset at why she has to be in a nursing home and every time one of us goes to see her she starts crying and asking us why we are doing this to her and how she just wants to go home with her pets. Then she gets more upset and says that we don't love her anymore because we have done this to her to the point where we cannot stand to listen to her and have to leave! Then we feel bad when we leave her? How can we help mom to cope and know that we still love her and want her to stay healthy?
You need to stand firm as this is the best care for her. You'll have to repeat that you can't give her the care she needs and she needs this extra care, but you are there for her. Visit as often as you possibly can. Bring her as many treats from home as she likes (food or other familiar things). I'm assuming you have brought as much from home as there is room for at the nursing home.
Her pets are a tricky issue. Most nursing homes allow pet visitors. That said, sometimes cold turkey is better than weaning. You'll have to be the judge of that. If you think bringing the pets up to visit is a good idea, try it. Otherwise, it may be best just to comfort her and help her move on.
Don't let her see that she is succeeding with the guilt trips. That will just encourage more. If she finds that doesn't work, she may work harder at adjusting. Try to get her involved with activities she enjoys, help her meet people and let her know you are her advocate on all levels.
This is hard, I know. Many of us have been down this road. But diabetics can be a high risk if their disease is not well managed, and as they age, nursing homes are sometimes the only option. I hope you have good homes in your area. That makes all the difference.
KatsWhiskers, our hearts are with you. You've had to go through a lot. I hope social services can get this handled so you and your mum are safe. Please let us know how it goes.
It seems as though it was forever that I posted my comment regarding my mother going into a nursing home, yet it has been less than 3 months! Tonight her doctor told me that he believes her death is imminent (1-2 weeks!) For all of you that feel "caught" in a situation that seems to go on forever, which is how I felt for many years; hang in there because as mo mother has always said, "this too shall pass". While it was my hope to keep my mother at home, I realize that the facility was our only choice. And no matter what anyone says, there ARE good nursing homes! I could not have asked for better care for my mother. The loving care that the minimum wage staff gives to their patients has been amazing. I know that my brother ( a doctor) and I being there every day may have helped my mom's care, but I have watched the staff with patients who have no one to advocate for them, and they have always been treated with kindness and respect. It appears that I am at the end of my walk with my Mama, for those of you who are just beginning or feel stuck in the middle forever, my prayers are with you. You will never regret any time you have spent. It is a good feeling to be able to say, "I did everything I could." God Bless Brendalou
I'm so sad for your heartache. A broken heart takes a while to heal - the fact that you care so much means your decision was probably to give her the best care at this time. You did not say how she is doing, but hopefully she is in a good place and you can still visit her...
I have not had to make that decision yet, and empathize with you as a single woman who dreads that day herself. I hope you will be ok, everyone on this board is pulling for you - just keep writing & hopefully you will come to peace with your decision.
brush her hair and just spend quality time with her. This is rewarding and helps me cope to realize it is the best choice for her at this time since she is severe end stage Alzheimers. She remains pleasant and in otherwise good health.
Thanks!
Karen
Please keep checking in. This is a hard time for you, but you are doing the right thing. Keep a close eye to know she is getting the right care, but treat the staff as team members. Make friends with them. An antagonistic attitude doesn't help. You'll all be a team and help your mom.
Take care of you, too.
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/i-promised-my-parents-i-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm
I know how you feel. I have not had to place my mother yet. My husband and I have gone into counseling to help us either find ways to cope with her in our home, or to make a decision to place her in a facility. My mother has never been diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder, but we are pretty sure this is what she has based on her behaviours. It is breaking my heart to think that we may have to place her, but feel it is coming to this. Counseling is our last resort. Please continue to let everyone on this site help you through this time in your life.
Carol
I too am in a similar situation having cared single-handed for my 90 year old Mum who has Alzheimers. I've got to the stage whereas I can't handle any more abuse or violence. I thought we'd done with that 2 years ago - but unfortunately not. I have Social Services coming this afternoon and we're supposed to be taking her to see her doctor - and I just hope to God for her safety and mine that we can resolve this.
Her pets are a tricky issue. Most nursing homes allow pet visitors. That said, sometimes cold turkey is better than weaning. You'll have to be the judge of that. If you think bringing the pets up to visit is a good idea, try it. Otherwise, it may be best just to comfort her and help her move on.
Don't let her see that she is succeeding with the guilt trips. That will just encourage more. If she finds that doesn't work, she may work harder at adjusting. Try to get her involved with activities she enjoys, help her meet people and let her know you are her advocate on all levels.
This is hard, I know. Many of us have been down this road. But diabetics can be a high risk if their disease is not well managed, and as they age, nursing homes are sometimes the only option. I hope you have good homes in your area. That makes all the difference.
Take care,
Carol
Take care of yourself,
Carol
It appears that I am at the end of my walk with my Mama, for those of you who are just beginning or feel stuck in the middle forever, my prayers are with you. You will never regret any time you have spent. It is a good feeling to be able to say, "I did everything I could." God Bless
Brendalou