Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Clara - First, I'm sorry for your loss. I think we can go through many things but loosing our MOM is the toughest of all. A loving mother is the touchstone for the human heart so when they are gone, we often feel adrift. Even though my Mom is still alive, I've mourned the loss of her unconditional love, wise advice, emotional support and vitality. She was ALWAYS there for me; even though she didn't have much in material things, I could ALWAYS go to her. We shared a lot and I've had to find different ways to continue that relationship since she's become more forgetful and dependent.

Second - I hope you'll consider whether your anger is really mis-placed fear and stress. Rather than tell you WHAT to do, I'll relate my experience and hope you find some insight for your own. I find that the source of my anger is really fatigue, stress over finances and schedule; my grief, my sadness and the realization that I'll never have the same relationship with another human that I had with my mom. It's scary and it's isolating. Others who aren't dealing with similar situations have no idea what I go through - what I've given up to help her. They believe that because I've had no children, that I have some care-free, stress free life where I can spend every dime on myself. They are SO VERY CLUELESS!! So self-righteous, so judgemental - and they are SO out of my life now. What freedom THAT brings!! ;)

I hope you'll look at those situations, people and places where you feel angry and then consider WHY you're angry. It takes practice and self-reflection. I found that my anger drove people away from me. The very people I want in my life long-term were put off by my constant dark mood, they didn't know what to do to help or show support. I realized that I had to deal with things differently and be willing to say, "I'm so sad. I'm so stressed. I'm so afraid.." rather than bury those emotions and have it percolate out as constant anger and "prickliness". I finally began to say this things outloud which made it easier to deal with and I got a lot more understanding and support from friends and family. I WANT to maintain these relationships for the long term so being able to be honest with them and myself means I'll keep them in my life rather than drive them off. It took a lot of practice for me to get to the root of my feelings but within a few months, it became easier. I became more light hearted and even happy again.

I also found that talking with a friend who's a counselor helped a lot too. She didn't give me advice but she was a sounding board at times. If it's been a year and you're still mad and see no way to resolve it, perhaps talking with a professional counselor might be wise and get you on the right path.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Clara,
I am sorry for your loss.
Anger is certainly a normal part of the grieving process. You are entitled to your feelings. Sometimes people will say things with the best intentions, but those words will be very painful to you. They don’t mean to hurt you. Everyone grieves differently.
Some people might say things about how you can get over it, when they really mean you can continue to move forward with your life - slowly. It’s just that when they select their words, they don’t realize how they hurt.
We all know that you will never get over your mom’s death. You don’t. You are allowed to be upset when people say things that hurt and feel insensitive. They are your feelings. It is perfectly normal to be angry. It's grief.
I don’t know if you have looked to see if a counselor in your area might help you work through your feelings, but it may be helpful. If your mother was in hospice, please contact the hospice and speak to the social worker there to get started. They are accustomed to this situation and may be of great comfort to you as you deal with your feelings. If you are uncomfortable with speaking with a counselor, perhaps a trusted friend could help, too.
Please accept my deepest sympathies.
Thank you for being a caregiver to your mom. I know you miss her every single day, and I know that she appreciated and loved you for all you did for her.
Take care,
Dani
AgingCare.com Editor
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Why have responders to this question ASSUMED that Clara is angry at other people? Clara never stated that. Infact she never stated WHAT exactly she is angry at or ABOUT. If she wishes, I am willing to help her explore her feelings. We cannot know, nor should we assume, what she feels. We can only ask and offer a comforting forum for her to express her truth. I am sorry for your loss, Clara.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I UNDERSTAND!!! I loss my mom last year unexpected. And I was UPSET at everyone. It is part of your healing. Anger and Mad is normal, But I had to keep praying and I STILL pray everyday and ask God to heal the hurt and pain. My mom was my everything she passed away at age 53.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am too angry at times angry that she didnt watch her diabetes and look after herself angry that she never had much of a life and never moved on from dad,angry that my life is onhold,angry that ive no money to spoil her rotten to take her places to make up for all she did for us. furious i cant do her house up like she deserves but im here and im caring and im doing the right thing when she goes there will be so much anger regrets grief but "this too shal pass".
Anger is normal and healthy i know some people who dont show any emotions at all like my brother which i find "scary" be glad you can express this emotion even if we think we shouldnt be angry we have every right to be angry noone deserves to die like this of course we are angry im even angry at God!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I haven't lost my mother yet but it's inevitable, so I don't understand the anger part. Are you mad at people because they're going on with their lives and yours has changed so radically? Maybe you could explain your anger reasons a little more.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Anger is a completely normal part of grief. Unfortunately, we have to experience each step towards healing. You WILL come out the other side, still missing your Mom, minus the anger part. But don't hold it all in, thinking that it's wrong to be angry. It definitely is not wrong. Just be careful not to take it out on everyone around you. Talk honestly about it, then hit or scream into pillows if you need to really let it out. Walking also is very good for anger., then you're cooled down when you arrive back home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Im also sorry for your loss, and I do understand because I lost many close family members/a friend, including a miscarriage and my mom. My mom died in 2010 Im still hurting and still a little angry why she was so young, but I am grateful shes not suffering anymore. You never forget but its gets a little easier. Just keep thinking all the wonderful times you had with her, she would want you to be healthy and happy. Hugs
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

MelissaJ22 - my mom was 55, Im sorry for your loss as well. Hugs to you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dear Clare, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, anger is part of the grieving process. I didn't understand my anger when I lost my husband either. My Ricardo died on June 27, 2013. I went through all kinds of emotions as well. Comments such as get over it were hurtful. I am sad to say that I was also angry at God. Like one of the comments in an earlier post, death is part of Gods plan. We know this, but our hearts are filled with so much sorrow that we kind of stand still for months. As noted earlier, prayer is very helpful. I have returned to daily prayer that includes praying for others needs. I find the time devoted to prayer very peaceful. I also am so aware of my husband's presence at times. I truly believe he is always close to me. Trust me, I am not crazy. I believe he is my other guardian angel. May God's peace surround you always. I especially think of Ricardo today as he was a Viet Nam Veteran. Consuelo, November 11, 2014
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter