battered Asked September 2009

My Mom is Mad. How do my sisters and I deal with her emotional roller-coaster??

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My two sisters and I recently had to put our mother in a nursing home after her blood sugar dipped to 35 one morning. Mom has been battling diabetes for 3 years and recently started insulin shots which we daughters have been taking turns giving her. After this happened with low blood sugar, she was rushed to the hospital and then we decided that we cannot give her the care at home she needed anymore. Mom would refuse to check her own blood sugar and was in denile that she had diabetes. Since checking her into the nursing home, she has become beligerant to us when we come to visit. She will start out crying and sobbing begging for us to take her home and then lately has gotten mad when we show up to visit her which is every day we are taking turns.My two sisters and I are to the point where we cannot take much more of mom's abuse and sobbing every time we visit her. What should we do? How do we handle this without getting upset at mom? We know she is just frustrated and confused because she has to stay in this place and not her comfortable house but how can we help her without going crazy ourselves?

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l653103 Jul 2011
I can relate to this completely. My mom has osteoporosis and multiple myeloma. She was living in her house alone and my brother and his wife were bringing her food but didn't check on her daily. She deteriorated. I live 200 miles away and went down to bring her home with me for a while which has turned into permanently. We have nurses and home health come in but she needs someone here constantly. I can't even pull weeds without checking on her every hour or so. I have a brother and sister who have just washed their hands of it and have left me with this high and dry. I am a single parent of four kids. Mom is angry and abusive and demanding. Get me my water, help me dress, etc. I have to hide her pill box or she medicates herself even while I'm in the bathroom. I have summers off because I work for a school district but don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to work in 5 weeks. I know she doesn't mean to be abusive towards me but it has really affected my mental health to the point where I am on antidepressants. I can't imagine putting her in a nursing home although I wonder if I am capable of taking care of her. I have had one CNA class only. I am so angry at my siblings and there are days when I just want my life back. I was paying for everything for her, taking her to appointments (2, 3 times a week) buying groceries, etc.) I was going broke. I finally asked her to contribute a small amount toward bills and she got really angry at me. I am house bound with her and I haven't spent any time with my kids or my horse. I am a wreck but I know in the end I will be happy I did this.
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linda09 Oct 2009
yes he is coming home tuesday after the first meeting and . in a way im not lookin frwd to it but then again i am .
he has gotten a lit bit worst shape , his mind is slipping , but of course leavin him there would causes that ..
cries everyday wanna come home , poor guy !!! am trying to stock up all the wood i can get , that is for our woodstove . winter is coming gotta keep dad warm ....
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N1K2R3 Oct 2009
Take him home. Care for him (with help) by yourself.
CNA's are low-paid employees who would rather not work.
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linda09 Oct 2009
i just came back home from visiting dad in rehab . i was so upset i couldnt see straight ! after dinner somebody wheeled my father to his room and closed the door behind him , i opened the door thinkin cna is changin him , nope he was almost out of his wheelchair trying to get in bed , he has a bad back and cant sit in wheelchair too long . tv was not on and the nurse call button was hangin up on the curtain .
i ask to see the lady that wheeled him in his room , all denied doing it , so somebody is liein to me . one girl said uh that person left . yeah right whatever ..
i was begin nice and ask notto close that door anymore . well i am going to yank him outta there after tues the meeting cuz i do need to talk to the dr and see whats going on and will tell them im takin dad out and explain why . i told my the nurse my dad wore the same outfit since lastnight and his teeth is so nasty dirty his hair smells bad . he is not in a good hands there as i thought it be a good place . oops wrong !!!
it is no wonder they all cry wanna go home !
like i said before one on one is better than 10 on one .
he wentthere cuz of his uruin tract infection and almost died so go to rehab to build his strength back and they did , phyiscal therpary did wonderful job , its the cna care it sucks !! i say get your mom out ofthat place and get her back home , where they call it home sweet home !
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Fedup Oct 2009
Unless people out there understand what you are going through, as they say, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
I however do understand what you are saying.

My Mother is very beligerant, mean and cruel. She does not have a nice thing to say about anyone and I mean anyone. She uses the ambulance service as her own personal taxi service to the hospital when she is wanting attention, which is quite often. She was told not too long ago that if she didn't smarten up, I was going to put her in a home. Since then, she has gotten better, and she still phones me 4-5 times a day just to gripe and complain. I have over the last year tried to distance myself from her when she attempted to break up my marriage with her lies.

My best advise to you and your sisters is to leave her alone for 30 days. It is common practice for families to stay away while the senior gets accustomed to the new environment. Your Mother is doing this to you because she can and because she knows it gets to you.

If she continues this behavior, simply tell her to have a nice day and leave. When she finally starts to understand that she can not get to you, she will change.....for the better I hope.
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Annlidiot Sep 2009
Each relationship and circumstance is different. Battered seems to know what she wants to do and how to handle her moms care - kudos to her.
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stellar Sep 2009
Old adage, one mother can take care of 11 kids, but 11 kids can't take care of one mother.
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Julieanne Sep 2009
Mom needs some more time in the facility. Your note doesn't say how long she has been in there. Guilt will consume you and make you unable to function. If this was a decision that you had to make in order for your mother to receive the best care...then kudos to you. I don't know of many parents who say to their adult children..."Thank you for putting me here. This is where I hoped I would be." That is just not going to happen.

So...take care of yourselves and visit Mom when you can. Don't go everyday...maybe once a week. Bottom line is that you must believe in your heart that this was the best decision for her.
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battered Sep 2009
I don't know if some of you understand this or not. It was either mom go to the nursing home, or we let her go back to her own house to die because she would not take her pills as she was suppose to or check her blood sugar herself. The insulin she had started taking was not working so she needed round the clock care so that nurses could adjust her insulin according to her blood sugar check. As I look back now, it was the best solution for mom. She has calmed down now and is getting physical therapy to help her strength. She gets tired very easily and needs to walk with a walker. She is now using her walker regularly. When we first bought her a walker back in July she would not even look at it but she walks like a drunk sailor without it. We plan on taking mom out of the home on outings as soon as she has adjusted to her new home. Mom does has memory lapses every once in a while but she is doing much better than when I first wrote a few days ago.
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When we had to put my grandmother in a nursing home in the 1970's she also would cry and yell at her children (my father and his brothers and sister) saying that she is never out of her room,etc. But one of the nurses suggested that we come in during off visiting hours. My grandmother was in the Rec room participating in activities (including doing the hula) and another time bowling from her wheelchair. Maybe you can ask the staff when she goes for therapy or activities and come in then to "secretly" watch.
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