How do I deal with my mother who is a manipulator, wants 24/7 care, and keeps telling me that I owe her?

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After my dad passed away a year ago my mother came to live with me...At first it wasn't so bad, but it has become a nightmare! She refuses to do anything for herself, wants to sit in the recliner and be catered to. I work, and go to school, my daughter has been helping me with her as much as she can and I pay my granddaughter to stay with her the weekends I work..I am a nurse at the county jail and I work 7p-730a. Literally, my mother is draining me of my life. I have lost friends and now,she is doing the best she can to separate me from my kids/grandkids, and my ex-husband who is wanting to work things out with me.
She is a manipulator. She knows what buttons to push and does it to me NON_STOP!. for eample-- my son and I went out shopping for a patio set for my backyard -- we decided to stop and get a bite to eat. We were gone for 3 hrs max -- SHE CALLED 911 AND TOLD THEM HER CHILD WAS MISSING, AND SHE HAD BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH NO FOOD. When my son and I got back she was hysterical..HOw could I disappear and not call her, etc. thats when the cops showed up and I was livid! Now, my son avoids coming here and has told me that he won't do anything with me because of her.The woman is crazy. I don't have the heart to stick her in a nursing home BUT I can't do this much longer before it takes a toll on me.She has run off the OT, the home health aide, and the visiting nurse. She wants me to sit here 24/7. She has a fit when I go out to run my errands --"who's going to take care of me?" She is NOT as needy as she proclaims. I am 55yrs old and she is 85...I keep telling her I have a life and she keeps telling me "You owe me." She is driving me crazy. I can't take this anymore. I need some advice. Her doctor gave me xanax to give her--it doesn't help unless I give her more than what he prescribed and I can't legally do that..HELP!

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Yeah, Ruby... I'm tempted, but not sure I can just LEAVE though. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
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Well, your older sister can't say that your mother has been abandoned with her children living with your mom or should I say freeloading. Unless they don't have a job, they should be paying some rent or get out and get their own life for they are adults now. BTW, does anyone know where your mom's will is and what it says? I hope your meeting Monday goes well.
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The problem with narcissistic mothers is that no matter how you try and tell them that they are being badly behaved, they will never ever agree with you, it would be easier to try and herd cats than ever try to get her to take responsiblity for her actions.
It will always be your fault, as far as she is concerned, in short you will never win and will live in constant conflict and drama with her, this is her thing, its what keeps her alive with all the attention she needs to feed her. It is manipulation at its most stunning, it will drive you mad and you will then be considered the crazy child..lol.
If you confront her with what a nasty ol bag she is being, you will pay dearly, and she will make you pay.
Good news though...get her out get her gone, wish her luck and get on with your life. Sounds hard? It is, is it worth it for your life and sanity healths sake...ABSOLUTELY!!!!
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Me too. Older sister has Durable, medical POA both. As of current both her children (grown 31 and 27 are both living on my parents property). 1 is in a mobile home and the other is in my homeplace. No rent is being collected to my knowledge as has not for the last 5 years which we have records of. She wants her children to live there so as not to be a bother to her, and mom is a burden to her as well. Before Mom went to live with her, she always said she had no room for mom or time because she works fulltime. I too, work fulltime. I feel that she is up to something as well, but do not have monies to get too involved with lawyers. I do however, have an appointment on Monday to try to see if I have options.
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Your older sister is treating you and your twin sister like little girls instead of as grown women. Did you take your mother back to her own house? It sounds like your mom is of sound mind and body and so I don't think it would be considered elder abandonment. I would see an elder lawyer to make sure. BTW, who has Durable and Medical POA for your mother? Your home is your home. Your older sister sounds like a very intrusive person without any respect for personal boundaries. I think your sister is up to something she does not want you or your twin sister to know about.
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My mother has been thru all 3 of us, her daughters. My dad has been gone for almost 2 years and she has done the same to us. Sits back and wants us to wait on her hand and foot. She stayed with my twin for 7 months and was with me while she was on vacation. My older sister during this week decided that mom would not go back to my twins house, but stay with ME. No discussion was made and I was told I would take on the responsibility. After 7 months of no help, I made the decision and told my older sister, I was taking mom back to her house or to hers. She is know wanting to sue me for Elder Abandonment. Can she do this is my mom is of sound mind? She cooked, cleaned, drove, paid all the bills up until the day Dad passed and then just quit. What are my opinions? I know can not go see my mother without being theatened that I will be arrested.
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Thank you, Jeanne.
Sadly, I chased after my Mother my whole life, until she caught me after her 4th husband died. My sister is just like her--I believe it is Narcissism--my brother is helpless, and I, due to my personality of not letting something go until I either conquer it or die--am it. It is not my nature to give up on something just because it's hard, but, this is about struggling with caring for someone who never gave a flip about anyone but herself--not my brothers or me.
My husband is a loving, generous family man, who believes in doing "the right thing", however, we have given up much these last few years and need some balance. I know the lesson for me to learn is to keep my power while serving others. We must value ourselves and not let another ruin us. I would say that Mother made my life very difficult from the beginning, ignored me through the middle of it, and because she needs me now, she "loves me". She is a finely honed manipulator. Yes, I will continue to see to her needs in the care home. I will go over to see her when I am not working, or seeing my friends, or traveling with my husband, or working in my garden, or playing the piano and singing. First, I will take care of my husband and me, then Mother.
Thank you for your encouragement, Jeanne. I wish you the best on your journey, too. All the Best to each of you struggling with this job. Blessings.
Hugs, Christina
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Christina, I think you have a particularly challenging role. If your relationship with your mother when she was healthy was not the best, it must be particularly difficult to deal with all the demands and irrational behavior now. Gold stars to you!

In general I agree that people are pretty consistent throughout their lives. I always say the older we get the more like ourselves we become. :) I think there are two exceptions. 1) Some people make a deliberate effort to change. A Chirstmas Carol is my favorite Chirstmas story. Not many people are as dramatically transformed as old Scrooge, but I do believe in the possibility of redemptive change. 2) Dementia (and maybe some other pathological conditions) does not respect its victim's true personality. Trusting people are made paranoid. Agreeable people become demanding. I had never heard my husband swear in the 30 years we'd been married, until he developed dementia. What a shock! Outgoing, pleasant people are made self-centered. Mild-mannered folks seem full of rage. The mantra for me has been "That's not my husband talking. It is the disease." and "That is not my husband's behavior. It is the disease." I think it would be harder to convince myself if that is the way he had talked and behaved before dementia came to live with us.

You hang in there, Christina! You are in a very difficult role. I hope you take pride in what you do, even if some days it seems a thankless task.
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Hi Jeanne, no, I know dementia happens to all types of people. Unfortunately, my experience-- which is all I have to draw from-- is my Mother. I am working on how to deal with the responsibility of being there for her and having a good attitude about it. Work in progress:)
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I agree with all of the above.
You do not need to put your mom in a nursing home she can live in a
Adult Family Care Home it is a home away for home.
Some one else will care for her, and you can visit as often as you like.
if you would like some information look up AFCH in your area or I can help I owe one
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