I have not talked to my Mother in over five months. She has lied to me over and over again. How do I deal with her lying and preferential treatment to my brother?

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I expect to be treated as an equal with him. Neither oneof us is more capable of handling Mom's finances and healthcare than the other. We are both honest people who were never a problem to our parents.

About 25 years ago when my children were little, I was angry with my husband for being so tight fisted. We had alot of money in investments, he was from a well to do family. I was taking care of our three children (twins). Money was so tight, he refused to "share" anything. He was building weath, or so he said, in the market. I was often depressed and vented to my Mother.

Fast forward, it has come home to roost. She claims I asked her for money to "feed my children", so she doesn't want me to know she has anything. Sad, in so many ways. When I confronted her about this she lied and blamed my now deceased father. But that opened a flood gate of her lies. I have finally stopped talking to her. My brother told me this weekend to call her, she would never call me.

I feel betrayed, lied to and about. She does not have dementia, is very healthy. My husband is angry with her and admits his wrong doing. But no one really defends me to her. I just can't call her, too much water under the bridge. My brother is zero help. He makes me feel guilty that I have distanced myself. Any thoughts on this unfortunate situation I would appreciate.

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yes i agree
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madge, I had a similar relationship with my dad. I was very ok with finally "divorcing" him, and putting much needed distance between us. It was others that tried to make me feel bad, feel guilty.. The man lived to be 98 yrs. old, was miserable everyday of his life, had no friends,was afraid I would want or need some of his precious money. It is a sad statement to our relationship, or lack of, that this past Father's Day, I did not even think of him, someone mentioned it was Father's Day and I felt nothing... So you do what you need to do. As someone stated earlier, if it was a spouse they would be telling you to leave...and I do understand that just because they are our parents does not mean there is automatic love there... As a child I was powerless over things, today I am an adult and get to choose who is in my world. I rarely had anything to do with him his last years. He was in Assisted Living, and if I went there and he got stupid , I left... And yes I have had all the guilt trip lectures about he did the best he could, blah, blah, blah, but the fact remains, I did not have to be abused to have a parent... I could volunteer to be an orphan...I was, and still am a better person for not continuing to try and fix something I never broke in the first place...So take care of yourself, follow your heart and your gut and set yourself free from phoney obligations.... life is too short.. hugs to you.
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What Jeanne said...especially the part about staying the heck out of harm's way creating the necessary distance.
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Yup. Love them unconditionally. Forgive them. Don't judge them. And stay the heck out of harm's way, by distancing yourself as far as you need to for emotional and mental health.
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I can only tell you it is hard to get a resolve and get cooperation from the other parties involved.
For your sake, I suggest that you love your transgressors wit unconditional love, fogive them and do not judge their actions. Their is only one judge. I lve by these simple words and it has helped me over strife in my life good luck
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lcs, thanks again.
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I agree that it would be best to tell the people that pass on the gossip that you don't want to hear anything anymore. It's all just lies so why put yourself through hearing them? All you might want to hear from your brother and from your friend, "Ann", about your mother is if she is drastically ill or something to that effect. Do what is best for YOU. Your mom seems to be doing fine and your brother, who doesn't know who to believe (!!!), can do what he wants with his mother but he shouldn't be telling you what YOU should do. Now, go have a good life with your husband!! :-)
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Some people repeat the same behavior over and over and expect different results. Addie, it sounds like you learned to change your behavior. Good for you! I'm glad that you are now getting better results. Not the results you would really like -- a loving family, but at least results that allow your life to settle down. How wise of you to recognize that keeping up with all the gossip did not really give you control.

Thanks for sharing.
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Sounds like Ann has a good handle on what is going on and could let you know if anything bad is happening to your mom should you want to intervene. Hearing gossip about yourself is just horrible. I've been through that several times in my life. It may be time to let go of getting the gossip since hearing it is just so awful and hurtful. If you can let go of it, maybe let Ann and even your brother know that you do not want to hear any more of what your mom is saying about you or your family because it is too hurtful. You would appreciate getting updates on her health, but that is all. It helped me to stop asking and talking about the things my mom said about me and the same in the other circumstances. My life settled down a lot when I let go of the gossip. Time is great for showing who the liars really are. I found that in the end everything comes out on it's own. Sometimes I thought running herd over what was said gave me some control over the situation, but it didn't really, and all that happened was that I got hurt over and over.
I could not handle hearing the hurt from hearing gossip anymore so I stopped asking and checking.
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And rereading your first post, it is terribly unfair and hurtful when a parent favors one child over another. I am in that situation also. I had to really work on toning down my expectations of my parents because that situation has never changed and the only person who was getting hurt by it was me. So to take care of myself I changed my expectations and found comfort in relationships with my other relatives and friends who truly value me. Given the history you might have to do that too...change your expectations in order to take care of you and your heart.
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