How to deal with my dad and the growing anger I have?
My mother (an alcoholic) died a year ago. I have no remorse over her death. She picked on me when my father and brother were not around. My father has a rosy picture of my mother. He was her meal ticket so she specifically made sure things were good for him only to pick on me, belittle me, complain about my weight, etc. My father was incredibly lonely after she died. My husband and I were buying a house together when he asked us to stop and move in with him. He gave us a sweet deal, no rent, if we come and take care of the place and pay the bills but he continues to pay the mortgage. I'm angry at cooking dinner all the time, shopping for groceries, etc. My father is not only a child of an alcoholic himself, he was married to an alcoholic. I am also a child of an alcoholic. My father is very controlling. He micro manages everything I do in the kitchen. I'm in such full blown silent rage and I think he realizes it now so he doesn't micro manage so much anymore but things slip out of him that make me want to strangle him. I'm angry and resentful about being in this situation. I don't like living with him. I don't like cooking dinner every night and shopping for massive amount of groceries. How do I deal with this anger? I need to cope with this situation without being so angry. I did go to Ala-Anon and ACOA but it brought up so many feelings that I thought I would cry for a year about the awful feelings I have about my mother. I need to squelch those feelings and just get through this. Does anyone have any suggestions? My father is 82. He is fairly sharp but I think he did have a very minor stroke about 2 years ago which went untreated. After that episode, he became forgetful and disoriented but then a few minutes later, he's as sharp as a tack and can finish the NYT Sunday crossword puzzle.
And example of his controlling/micro managing behavior is: He has two garbage cans. One for recycle with a white bag and one for garbage a black bag. Well, I took the garbage out, taking the black bag with me. I took the recycle out taking the whole bin with me. I had to walk to the barn and left the recycle bin to bring in when I got back. When I got back, the recycle bin was inside (don't know who did it) and the garbage bin was filled with a white garbage bag. My father is persnickety about what color bag is in the garbage. I was in the dining room unpacking and he called to me, "Come in here, what is the meaning of this?" He was looking at the two garbage cans, both with white bags. I said "I didn't know, maybe my husband didn't know there was supposed to be a black bag in the garbage and put a white bag in accidentally." NOthing more was said. I find out later that my father put that white bag in. Why do I have to deal with all this micro managing?
WHen I was younger about 20 years old, I complained to my father that my mother was picking on me and belittling me. He couldn't believe my mother would do that. I never approached him again about it and just took all my mother's nastiness over the years. I'm angry at him about that and I am DEFINITELY angry at my mother over the years of verbal abuse. Thank you for any incite.