ShadowChild1 Asked June 2010

My father had a major stroke and my older sister is acting up, how do I deal with her behavior and still be the sister?

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I am the next to the youngest of 4 children. My sister is the oldest and lives about 8 hours away from my parents. I live 20 min. away from them and try to help them daily. They are in their 80's.My dad had two strokes on Christmas Day. My sister took 3 days to arrive due to parties. She and my mother flit around and pretend my Dad is okay. He is not and has a crisis frequently. Two such crisis situations have occurred during the past two weeks. I called my sister after staying at the hospital with my father by myself on Memorial Day. Nurses told us to expect the worse. I tried to call my sister for 3 days. She was involved in weekend parties and became very upset with me when I finally reached her to say that Dad was not doing as well as before. She called my mother and created a scene. Dad almost died 3 days after I called her. My mother has instructed me to protect my sister because she lives far away. Is it wrong of me to feel the
need for someone to comfort me during tough days?

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RLP, take it from a whole lot of us here, your sis isn't going to step up to the plate to help you. It's unfair, it's frustrating, it's wrong. You have a right to be angry about it but don't let it get the best of you. Your time is better spent helping your dad and mom.
It's really hard to understand why it's usually one kid out of the bunch who becomes the caregiver. But there are loads of posts verifying that's exactly what happens. Pretty sad, huh?
How many times did my mother tell me not to upset my sister because she can't handle anything unpleasant so we have to protect her. I finally realized that was one of the truest things my mom ever said to me. It's the closest she ever got to admitting sis is weak and pretty much useless. She probably can't handle things because mom coddled her/still does. They're quite a pair.
Pamela speaks from experience and her words are full of wisdom. She's right, come to this site for comfort, to vent and to learn. You'll see that you are not alone.
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Thank you for answering with words of encouragement that make me believe in what I am trying to do for my parents. Your answer has made a difference in this difficult journey I am taking. I am able to deal with the next crisis without feeling so alone. I appreciate your help.
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pamela6148 Jun 2010
No you're not wrong, and your sister is what we call a DEADBEAT on this site.

Don't worry about her, start early not worrying, just do what needs to be done. Don't expect much of a change from her, she's already indicated what her behavior will be. Just go on with what you feel you need to do and stay on this site for comfort. We've all been through the mills and will help you. I know this site has been a Godsend for me, and it will be for you too.

We're here for you and welcome.
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