What do I do when my daughters are mad at me for having my difficult mother live with us? They are mad that I am putting their father in this situation.

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We have confided in our daughters...44 and 36...about our frustrations living here with my mother. Now, they are mad at me for keeping their dad in this situation. They want us to move out and put mother in a nursing home or assisted living. Mother is hard to live with, rude and irritable to me, but seems to know not to do that to my husband. Anyway, we got emails last night from both daughters telling us how selfish I was keeping their dad here, that it was my mother and me against Dad and the rest of the family, and that they were distancing themselves from me. And, there was more. We've always has a good relationship with our daughters, but those two emails drew a line. I haven't responded because my husband is thinking what he is going to say to them. He said that what hurts me hurts him because when we married we became one. Now, we have a new stress to think about. We might just pack up and move to Colorado and forget to give anyone our address!!!

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Top Answer
First of all, ya'll confided in them. I guess they already knew what a pain your mother can be.

Second, where is this sense of protectionism of "their dad" coming from? Are they his children from a previous marriage or ya'lls?

Third, it is not up to your husband to answer an e-mail addressed to you. Being one does not mean that he acts as if he is you. No.

Fourth, I think there is more to this whole story that needs to be told.
Wow, did you not know that your daughters felt that way until now? Has Dad been chatting with them about his frustrations and not telling you? It seems odd that they would have this strong of a reaction to your living arrangements.
1) This is not their decision to make. As long as you and your husband have agreed to take care of your Mom, then tell them to butt out.
2) Remind them that aging is an equal opportunity event and that we may all need someone's help in the future. What you are doing for your "irritable Mom" is the humane thing to do. Explain the meaning of "humane" to your daughters. Tell them that if they really want to be helpful and proactive, then they can come and take care of their grandmother so that you two can have a break. That should create a whole lot of silence.
I agree with Crow, it is up to you to respond to (or ignore) these emails. Perhaps a "cooling off" period is in order. If you do respond, be very factual and firm and do not engage in the same negative behaviors. I would also talk to the hub and see if he has been giving off negative vibes to the kiddos.
As if caregiving isn't hard enough, we get these armchair quarterbacks who think that they know better.
PS: that "distancing themselves from you" thing might be a blessing in disguise.
As has been said already. How does your husband really feel about this situation? Was he merely frustrated and spoke to your girls without thinking first of how they might react? Is your husband playing your girls into the situation? Is he afraid to tell you he wants to put your mom in an NH and sell the house?
This is about you and your husband, not your daughters.
If you don't get to the root of this it could get ugly. This is between you and he. The two of you must work this out without involving your daughters.

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