What can I do when my dad's wife refuses 24-7 care that my dad needs?

Sunnygirl1: Your comment "your dad must have known something was off in the home..." brings to mind (at least to me) that you're now dealing with an elderly person (your dad). Many do or don't raise their hand and say "I could use some help here." Many don't want to acknowledge that they can no longer perform tasks they used to do. Just saying.

Your dad must have known something was off in the home when he told you to get him out of the house, when he was no longer to take care of himself. Either he didn't think his wife was able to provide the care (or get it for him) or that she would refuse to allow him help. He knew and gave you the power. I'd do whatever I needed to ensure he gets proper care and attention.

Even on hospice, he deserves proper care and to be kept comfortable. If his wife is standing in the way of that.....something must be wrong with her. I would just let his comfort and care be my first priority and then get it done.

Hospice is enforce in this regard.

Is this a medical POA? If so, contact hospice. They should be reporting to you. They are in a position to know if he is being well cared for at home as they visit several times a week. Also, has he expressed a desire to be placed elsewhere to any of the hospice workers?

Is she ur Dads age, maybe she needs to be evaluated. Dad made u POA for a reason.

Hospice needs to be aware of what is going on. They maybe able to help u in getting to a facility.

When one has a diagnosis that requires hospice, then there is nothing you can do but pray and be the loved one as long as they have remaining. The more all of you antagonize the step-mother, she will refuse you access to their house. You get more with honey, than vinegar.

Be diligent and be sure someone from Hospice has physically seen him. If she is denying their access, then contact authorities? Tell Hospice your concerns, and let them lead.

Did you say he is currently under the care of hospice? If so, there is someone looking in on him and monitoring his care. If not, he needs to be, especially if he has been diagnosed with 6 months or less to live. Some people are happier dying at home. It is what my husband wants and what I've agreed to, to the best of my ability. My husband has the same concerns about me being burdened but I tell him he is worth it, or that I know someone will do the same for me someday. A facility will not give him better care. Why does he need 24 hour care? I have cameras to tell me if my husband is wandering so we know if we need to adjust meds. I have caregivers come in to help and hospice comes daily to help with bathing and shaving. Have you tried talking to your step mom about why she doesn't want help? If she and her husband have forged a life that works for them, they may be concerned about family interference. I've found that while my husband will allow caregivers, he gets more agitated when it's family members. Maybe if you explain to step mom that you just want to spend some time with your dad in his final days and promise not to interfere, she would be more open to allowing you to visit. How many children are there? Could you all chip in to get a housekeeper/caregiver once or twice a week? Hospice may be able to give you a better estimate on when death might occur, but it's not likely. Only God knows but your job, along with your brothers and sisters and stepmom, is to make his last days the best you possibly can.

Correction: all meds are NOT stopped when one enters hospice care, whether at home or in another location. The focus of hospice is "care, not cure" but one no longer must give up all "cure" to qualify. In addition, if other problems arise (such as a broken leg), they can be addressed.

An agent under a Power of Attorney can decide what to pay for and what not to pay for. In practice, that can effectively determine health care.

Have you asked your Father what He wants?

RPerkins, being that you do have POA (hopefully medical), I recommend that you speak with the Hospice Coordinator/Nurse, as you have every right to, and voice your concerns. The fact that he has Hospice, still does not give your Step-Mom a lot of help in caring for your Dad, and she may be overwhelmed! You can ask that he be taken inpatient to the Hospice Hospital, for short term, ie: Respite time for Step-Mom, and then you could do a play-it-by ear, and see if he does better there, and she may appreciate it too! Other than that, you could have a family round table discussion, with or without your Step-Mom, and even the Step-siblings, to see where help can ve provided at home on a more consistent basis. With that many kids, it shouldn't be too hard to give her a lot of much needed back up,bto make his end of days more pleasant, and they should be at least that, as pleasant as possible!

Deco rate their home for the holidays, make ahead meals, anything to ease up some of the burden it is to take care of a Hospice patient near the end of his life, especially during the holidays! He should be able to see All his kids put their differences aside, and pull together for the greater good! No, it's not easy, but nothing in life worthwhile ever is!

I realize that there are hurt feelings on both sides, you made mention of that in the suggestion of "Them" reaping the benifits of his life insurance once he's past, but remember, this is their marriage, and she will proneed every penny oncehe is gone, to live out the remainder of her days, without him.

I definitely would not do anything that would cause a wedge bewteen them now, as obviously he did tell you he didn't think she could manage him on her own, but sometimes people are reluctant to ask for the things they need in these types of situations, as it paints them in a light that they just aren't what they used to be, or what they used to be able to manage. The holidays are a very difficult time at best, and to have your husband dying is probably the hardest thing she will ever face, so try not to separate the family, try to unite them, for your Dad's sake. He will truly Love and appreciate you for it!

I'm sorry, it seems I am the only one who keeps trying to throw some cold water on your plans but I still have some concerns. Taking the legal option is unlikely to be either quick, or cheap. First, do you have a facility in place that can/will accept him, and do you have the funds available to pay for it? And are you and your sibs willing to take the step of showing up at your father's home with an ambulance and the sheriff to forcibly remove him against the protestations of his spouse and possibly himself? Can you find no one to mediate a different option?

Cwillie, I was thinking the same thing, wondering if RPerkins14 Dad might have some dementia. As those of here know, anyone with dementia can embellish on stories.

RPerkins14, sounds like Step-Mom is burning out from trying to care for her husband, the shakes is a symptom. Since I don't know how old Step-Mom is, women of the past generations do not like to have other people come into the house to help with care, especially care of a husband. My Mom was like that, she felt it was her "job" to do all the caring, do everything, but was in denial that she was at the age where she just couldn't. So you need to look at this situation through her eyes, too. She is scared, the love of her life will be leaving her soon. This is not how she and your Dad thought retirement would be.

It's ashamed that families cannot work together as a team for the best interest of the love one who is ill.

My Dad gave me secondary POA because my Mom was losing her hearing and eyesight, thus the lack of communication with doctors would be exhausting and difficult for her. Dad had her as main POA to make her feel this was the right thing to do, and me as secondary. I had to step in many a time when my Mom couldn't.

Thanks GardenArtist, the problem is not the children seeing him the problem is his POA not being able to make any decision when it comes to my dads healthcare or final decisions his wife has taken over & constantly making his decisions for him. Anytime the POA decides something they do what they want to do anyway. I think I need a lawyer what good is power of attorney with no power or say so for my dads well being & comfortable transition. My best outlet is My Lawyer ASAP thanks good luck

I don't want to start a debate, I know you are feeling stress and the trauma of you father's declining health.You say you have gotten along with her for 15 years, but the way you write about her and her children makes me question that. The bottom line is, What Does Dad Want Today? You have not mentioned that he has dementia so the choice is ultimately his.
And be aware that often all meds are stopped once someone enters Hospice.

Cwillie thanks for your advice my only concerns are that my dad is not left alone all night without any care he needs 24-7 we offered to pay a night nurse or a family member sit with him overnight. My dad was trying to help her with the burden of caring for him because she has many health issues also, we have always had a good relationship with our stepmother for I say about 10-15 years or more. My dad knew she couldn't provide care for him that's #1 reason he gave me POA 2-3/years ago. I was always at every doctor appointment & treatment with him for 4-5 years, when his wife had other things to do. That's why I really do question why the big care act now. Oh right its the insurance for her & her children my bad.

Get him out now, to a safe place. Even if he's in a terminal state, he'll be more comfortable in hospice where he can see his children.

Thanks for the advice Katiekate & Windyridge. I'm the Power of Attorney & he told me to get him out of that house when he was no longer able to take of himself. She refuses any help we offer, I don't understand why she know he has always had a close relationship with all his kids & family she acts like a person who is rushing for my dad to leave this earth she is shaky & nervous when we visit she is 82 & her son lives there & he is 55 years old he has raised 2-3 families with the help of my dad. They should be ashamed. I am only concerned about my dad final care to be the best as possible I have always been a daddy's girl, I feel like my dad is looking for me to fight for his well being. She refuses every suggestion we offer.

If he is in Hospice that means he has been deemed terminal and by definition his time is short. While the others have seen abuse I am not so sure, how old is his wife and how long have they been married? How good has the relationship been between her and your dad's children before now?
You mention him falling off the commode because she left him there alone implying negligence, but she may have just stepped away for moments to get supplies or attend to something, or he may have formerly been fine alone while he did his business and didn't need constant attention.
If there has been any failure of you all to welcome step mom into your lives I can understand her reluctance to having you all in her home 24/7, taking over care of her husband and perhaps over riding her authority, could there be a little of that happening?
And while your father telling you to get him out of that house if his care needs increased fuels you belief that he doesn't trust his wife, it could also have meant he wanted to spare her from the burden of caring for him.
Unless your father is begging to leave I think you need to step back a little. You need to be willing work with step mom as the primary caregiver and you all as support staff. You need to work with Hospice to see and understand what your father's needs are and how they can be best met. And you need to find a way to reduce the burden on your step mom, perhaps by hiring overnight helper if the family can not get along amicably. That's the way I see it anyway.

Nine kids and you have POA. One would think the kids could work together on this. You should be able to overrule the wife. Circle the wagons and get it done. Stand up,to this woman.

Contact the local office of Adult Protective Service right away. Report what is happening.

Your Dad will have to back you up. Meaning, when they come..he will have to ask them for help to get out of that house! If he doesn't do that...there is nothing you can do. Make sure he understands...this is the only way out for him. You are not his health care proxy, and have to authority over his well being.

Do not leave him in this environment..it is abusive