When does it become easier to cope with a parent's death?

My Mom passed 6 weeks ago from Alzheimer's. She was with me the last 3 yrs, and passed right here in my home while I was holding her. My condolences on you loss. Losing a parent (at any age, and whether we close to them or not), is one of the greatest losses of our lives for so many reasons.

When my dad died suddenly back in 1989, I asked an acquaintance who had lost her father while she was in her teens, how long it took her to 'get over it'. She said 'I'll let you know." She was 35 at the time.

I still mourn my dad's death, my husband mourns his mom's - I'm talking choked up tears in your eyes mourning, more often than you'd think, and they've both been gone more than 20 yrs.

With Mom, it still being so fresh, and still dealing with the legalities and all, I find it helps to 'compartmentalize' my grief. Acknowledge it, cry, scream, write on a board like this, etc., but find a time and place for the grief.

In the beginning I told everyone (lady on the train, check-out clerks, phone solicitors) bursting into tears each time. I don't do that so much now. I talk to her, I cry over her, but I tend to do it when I'm alone.

Of course there will be a "perma-sadness" attached to Mom's death, just as there is with my dad, but I still have a life to live, and I chose not to live it in perpetual, ongoing grief. She would not want that for me - and I am sure your Mom would not want that for you.

MILLIE:

If there were a cookie-cutter formula for grief, I'd have gotten over mine years ago. Dad passed away in 1997, and I thought I'd never bring myself to accept it. But to move on, we have to. ACCEPTANCE, the 5th Stage of Grief, is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is permanent.

I see so much of my Dad in my sons and grandsons. The body's gone, but his spirit lives on. Instead of sitting in a corner mourning his passing, I celebrated his life and legacy. Cleansing tears flow once in a blue moon and I miss him so much. But life goes on. With or without me.

Millie, let me start by saying I feel your pain! I lost my daddy 6 months ago to Alzhemier's/Dementia on Good Friday. My daddy was my all. I lost my Mother at the age of 19, and I'm now 47 so he played a dual role in my life for 29 years after the death of my Mother. The pain of loosing him is sometimes more than I care bare. There are days when I literally dont want to get out of bed, days where I dont want to do anything at all but just sit around and think about him. I know my Father wouldn't want this, but for now I just can't help it. I try not to bother my Husband and there are times that I hide my tears from him because I dont want him to feel like when is this going to stop. I feel so alone and empty inside. All of my life my Father would tell me how much he loved me and as along as he is living I didnt have to want or need for anything. Oh how I miss hearing the I love you, and hey my baby doll soooo much. My tears are not selfish tears or wishing and wanting him back because I know his dying was God's will. I just miss him and the laughs. Also my thoughts of him are never the sad thoughts they are all good thoughts. Please hold on to the Good Memories dont think of the sadness, and thank God for blessing you with such a Great Parent because there are so many people out honestly cant say that they had good or great Parents. I tried Grief Counseling through the Hospital where he was a Patient but for some reason I didnt find it helpful. I'm in search of finding another counselor where i dont have to pay because I need it. I have many friends that i can talk to but who wants to hear of this? especially if they havent gone through it themselves. Each person greives differently with time. I dont want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way I want the pain to go away.

There is no stock answer for your question. Everyone morns the passing of a loved one differently. My father passed a little over 5 years ago. We were not just father and son, we were best friends. We did everything together. For me it was time that helped me get over his death from CHF. I still miss him and everything we did together, but I have all those memories to hold onto to and they make me smile everytime I think about them.

I know my father would not have wanted me to morn him forever. Based upon what you said about your Mom I doubt she would want you to morn her forever and not continue with your life. You indicated that your Mom was a rock. You are her daughter and have those same traits within you. Find them and become the rock for your kids and pass on the love your mother gave to you. Mom will always be watching and I think it would make her proud if you would do this.

You also have to be happy for your Mom. She is no longer suffering from Alzheimer's. It is such a nasty disease not only for the person who has it but also for those who love that person.

Let go, but never forget.

Millie,
My mom passed away 3 weeks ago in our home from alzheimer's. I bought a house 6 months ago so I could take care of her and let her die in a loving environment with her family. Even though I've had the last few months to get used to the idea, her death still hurts. I was with her so much that now, alone, I feel as if I'm missing my right arm. But I am not in despair because I feel that I did everything I could to make her last months happy and to assure her she was loved. My religious beliefs comfort me knowing she is in heaven with my father and all her dear ones that passed before her. God gave me a wonderful mother and father to have for as long he deemed right. We are all really "on loan" to the world until God decides to call us back home. When I feel particularly blue I just try to remember that I was blessed to have them while I did and that, when I'm reunited with them, it will be forever. I know that she would want me to continue to live the best life I can in testament to my parents' loving care and my faith in God. Millie, I hope that sharing these thoughts with you gives you a little comfort. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Mom passed away 9/27 from Alzheimer's dementia. The whole experience from her moving in with me and seeing her change physically and mentally, wrecking her car and ending up in a nursing home was the most gut wrenching, upsetting experience ever. It feels like I've been thru some kind of war.

Knowing she's in heaven, a better place, makes me smile. I cry every day but afterwards I look around me and see how blessed I am. I especially take comfort in exploring my new found faith in God, in the beauty of nature, and my true friends and family. I remember whispering to her "I love you, see you in about 20-30 years." That sort of made me feel a little better, knowing our separation is temporary. It's just so hard to live the new "normal", as they say. My Mom was my best friend. We did everything together, the best companion! I often think about how Mom would handle something or what would she say about a certain subject. I know she wouldn't want to see me moping around. She was a feisty lady!

Have you been through bereavement counseling/classes? I'm starting mine this Sunday at a church I like. Keeping busy seems to help too. Try a new routine or tradition with your kids. Sometimes I have to make myself try something new or to change an attitude. I also take an antidepressant medication and have been talking to a psychiatrist for awhile. Maybe it's time to talk with your doctor.

Hope you feel better soon.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. There are no "right" words to console anyone on a precious loss like this. As a 59 year old male, I still think of my mom and its been over 25 years ago. She passed on at one week before her 65th birthday never saw her first Social Security (retirement check).

My only advice to you is to be happy you have your children to give you strength. Try to think of their future. They need your guidance, and strength. Surround yourself with your friends/family both at home and at the workplace.

How do your siblings feel about your loss? Get together and discuss the good things your mom did for you to keep the family together. Talking about the "old times" helps to bring a smile and relieves tension.

My dad is 89 now and still misses her. He never re-married. He is now in an assisted living community surrounded by good, caring people and friends and this helps him cope. How I will deal with his death.. probably like I did with my mom. Have a good cry and let all of my emotions release. But I know he is a good provider, protected our country in W.W. II, and overall a rock solid good human being and that will help me cope.

But if you feel very depressed ALL the time, a professional counselor will give you better tips on coping with this loss. Never forget your children and family/friends need you, too! You will survive this, it is a natural thing in our lives.

HI Millie, I still have my Mom with me, who has alzheimers, but I do understand your grief. I lost my Dad 11 years ago and he was my best friend. I did two things. #1 I started a room makeover project and #2 every time I thought of my Dad I wrote down things he said. I now have a book called "Things Dad used to Say" next to my bed, makes me feel close to him. I always heard (still do), his advice in my brain and I wrote it all down. I figure if I died I would hope someone would remember me and talk about me, so talk about her, write a little book on her, give your children her advice and hang in there, it does get better.

My dad passed away in June, 2006. Today, Nov. 3rd is his birthday. He'd have been 97. This morning, I went to the cemetery and placed flowers at his grave. I did not go there to mourn,I went to celebrate his life and what he meant and still means to me. Everything we did together, things he taught me, have had such an impact on my life and given me direction. My father may be physically gone, but he lives on through me and my children and the things we experienced with him. Sounds kinda' deep and even somewhat hokey, but it's not. It's how I feel. I just hope that I'll have the same effect on my kids and grandkids. I hope that you will be comforted in knowing that all your mom's efforts and energies will continue to live on through you and the impact you have on other people's lives. I'm not a deep, spiritual person, but I do believe that those that have influenced our lives continue to do so even after they're gone.

Rosehooks, this is for you. I am not a physician but, nevertheless, I can tell that your comments are pretty clearly telling us all that you are suffering from deep depression. There are prescription medications that will help you get through this terrible time in your life. Please think about yourself and talk to your physician about what's available. The old expression, "Better living through chemistry" is not a joke.