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Besides my 2 adult daughters who have their own lives to live. there is no one to help at all. My mother has no family besides me and my kids. I am an only child. I love my mother, but I am at the end of my rope. When I dropped her off today at her house I was crying on the way home, begging God to either take my mother or to take me, because I cannot live this way anymore.

If I had a choice I would see my mother once or twice a week tops. I don't have a choice as she is very demanding and does live along and does have dementia and doesn't drive and is disabled (bilateral hip implants and walks with a cane). My mother feels it is my duty to care for her. I know that it is my responsibility to help her and to be with her as much as I can but it is emotionally killing me.

Because she has dementia she can't remember from one day to the next. She is very demanding. Just take today for instance. She likes to go to the movies every week. She hates most of the movies we go to, even when she picks them out. She refuses to wear her hearing aid so she complains at EVERY movie we go to that she can't hear it. When I say to her that it would help if she wore the hearing aid, she gets angry with me. After the movie we went to IHOP and in traditional complaining mode, she complained that the tea didn't taste right (the exact same brand she has) and that the ice cream was too hard and that the pancakes didn't have fruit in them (she didn't order fruit in them). Everytime we go out to eat she ALWAYS complains about EVERYTHING and says she "never wants to come back here" again. There are only 2 places out of about 30 that we go to and we don't like those places. Sorry.

While we were eating, I asked her about a letter she had received from an old friend of hers who has dementia also and lives in nursing home. She insists that this woman is dead (her husband died about a year ago but she is very much alive, just in a nursing home). My mother insisted again that she was dead. She said someone else had written the letter. I told her that she was alive and she got very angry at me. I said to her "hey mom, you keep saying she is dead and I tell you every time that she is alive. What do you want me to do next time you say she is dead." Idiot me expected her to say, "I want you to tell me the truth". Well, she didn't. Instead she said "I want you to stop arguing and disagreeing with me." Are you f-ing kidding me? She really wants me to not say anything to her when she says that her friend is dead and starts crying about her. Are you kidding me????

I am not allowed to see a movie without her. I am not allowed to go on vacation without her. Do I see movies without her? yes. However, "sneaking" away for vacation is so much harder.

I am forced to see her on Mondays, Fridays, Saturdays and alternate Sundays. I hired a caregiver on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and alternate Sundays. She does about 17 hours a week and I do about 17 hours a week. Yes, the caregiver has helped somewhat, but my mother is still driving me crazy. Her whole life revolves around me and she is emotionally strangling me to death. She has no problem if my kids want to do anything without her but pitches a fit if I dare to do something without her.

Growing up she was the same way with my dad. She would complain that he was exercising or taking a class at college when he retired because "he doesn't want to be with me." Yes, it sounds like deep emotional abandonment issues. I am not a heartless person. I feel so very sorry for my mother. She has been through hell and back but I cannot go on like this as I am being dragged down into the misery.

I hate being with her. There, I said it. I am a lousy excuse for a daughter. If I truly loved my mother I would want her to live with me, and I would want to be with her all day long every day. I would rather shoot myself than have her here more than she already is.

I guess if her attitude was a little more positive, it would be easier. But someone who refuses to wear a hearing aid and makes me repeat things twice. Someone who demands that I don't tell her that her friend is alive. Someone who demands that I spend time with her because she is "alone and lonely." I am ready to hang myself.

I have encouraged her to participate in senior related activities and she won't. I have begged her to contact her neighbors but she refuses as "if they wanted me they would knock on my door.

If I had a gun right now I am scared to think what I would do with it.

She is already on a ton of meds including an antidepressant and two memory meds. Every time I am with her, I feel my happiness draining. I am not allowed to disagree with her. Today she asked me when we had to pack to go home. We haven't gone anywhere! when I told her this, she started getting upset with me again. There is nothing I can do every to make this woman happy except to agree with her even when she is wrong.

PLEASE give me some advice. I am at the brink. Than

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Hi Karen, I see so-o many issues here. One I would like to begin with is your Mom's inability to be contradicted. My experience with dementia shows these folks living in their own little world. I'm not sure if it is right or wrong, but I no longer correct my Mom. When she says she had lunch with someone who passed away 18 years ago, I ask how it went. And is there anything new. In her mind she had lunch with a dear friend. Why burst her bubble?

As far as the hearing aids go, can you bring them with you and just before the movie begins hand them to her. Tell her your friend/neighbor/co-worker saw the movie and said it was hard to hear it.

My cousin once said that as we age we become more of what we were/are. More pleasant or more cantankerous. I'd suggest that over the next few months, you bring the caregiver in more and more. Make arrangements ahead of time w/caregiver but don't mention it to Mom til the last minute. For example. Saturday evening call and tell Mom you have a terrible whatever (headache/stomach ache/flu) and you don't want her to get it. You were very lucky and called (caregiver) and she is free and will be there instead. End of discussion. "Mom I'm running to the bathroom, turning the phone off so you can rest -- bye)

Little by little try to gain more time for yourself. I sometimes use her illness to support my actions. If she doesn't remember from one day to the next, will she know if it is your turn to come or the caregivers turn? Are there any children's movies out? They may be easier for her to follow. How about one day a week in a respite center.

DO NOT feel guilty. Our parents have no insight into all of the "new fangled" facilities to help them. They have no concept of respite care, assisted living, at home care givers, etc. They out of hand reject help because they do not understand it. You will be of NO help to her or yourself if you are all worn out.

Good luck
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Oy, I am afraid that many of us are on little boats like yours, floating around wondering what to do. The key word that you wrote above is dementia. Dementia tends to annoy other people around the person, but is very frightening to the person herself. My mother has not been diagnosed -- she refuses to be tested -- but I'm sure she would be diagnosed with dementia if she were. She becomes very angry if I correct something she says. I think her anger is a self defense mechanism. If I am not wrong, then it must mean she is losing her mind. I know this has to be frightening when memory and orientation start to disappear.

I read an article once about validating a person's thinking that has dementia. In the case you mentioned, maybe saying the friend was still alive, that it was the husband who died, would help her redirect her thinking. It would have given her an "out" to explain why she thought her friend was dead. When my mother is wrong, my first impulse is to correct, but then I think about it not being about who's right or wrong. That really never matters. It is about helping her deal with the dementia that I know will become worse.

Taking care of elderly people is very difficult. Sometimes people have said to me that it must be like having children. I want to laugh and tell them that yeah, it is like having 150-lb children that wear huge diapers and you have to call 911 when they fall down. People who haven't been a elder care giver have no idea how hard it is to watch as our parents decline. For me, I am always trying to recreate the mother and father I knew. But I know these new people are the same ones, only older and meaner and mighty unhappy.

If you are on the brink, it may be a good time to take a break. Could the person that helps you take your mother extra hours for a couple of weeks so you can have some time for yourself? The care giver is just as important as the one cared for. Do what you need to do to make your life better and to get your blood pressure back to normal!

About the gun thing -- I've had visions of what I would do to myself, but they weren't serious. It is just a way of relieving frustrations. If you ever have serious thoughts, it is definitely time to get away.

About the complaining -- I have never figured out a way to make some older people stop complaining. My mother complains from the moment she gets up to the moment she goes to bed. I wish they would come up with something that would cure complaining.
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Jessie and eqw have given you some excellent advice.

I suggest that you do a little reading about dementia and about how caregivers can more effectively deal with some of the behaviors. Your mother showed a lot of insight when she told you, "I want you to stop arguing and disagreeing with me." Generally dementia victims don't want or need "the truth." They need to be accepted and loved. And if you could convince them of "the truth," they wouldn't remember it tomorrow in any case.

I think it will be easier for you to not take this struggle personally if you realize that these things your mother does are very common among people with dementia. Her life-long personality also factors in here, of course, but she has a disease. She can't help many of the exasperating things she does. Joining a caregivers' support group can be a life saver! (I speak from experience.)

For many months my husband (age now 85, Lewy Body Dementia) repeatedly packed his bags to go home. He'd ask when the taxi was coming, or when our train left. We were home. This was early in his dementia and I hadn't learned enough about it yet to realize this was very, very common behavior. It drove me nuts. If possible, this is another topic not to argue about. "I don't think we can leave just yet, Mom. We are expecting our clothes to be delivered from the cleaners first. Let's play a hand of Merry Widow and have some ice cream now."

About the complaining ... I'm not dealing with that, so I'm guessing, but really, her world is NOT right. She can't remember. She can't drive. She can't control many things she used to take for granted. It is frightening to be alone, and yet being with someone doesn't make it all better. Maybe that is why the tea tastes funny and the ice cream is hard and there is no fruit in the pancake. She can't articulate well what is really wrong with her world so she picks on everything else in sight.

You say you have no choice. You have to see your mother more than the one or twice a week you'd prefer. That struck me as very strange. What is forcing you to do this? If you chose to see Mother every Tuesday and every other Sunday, who is to stop you? Will the law show up with a warrant for your arrest? Will a thunderbolt strike you when you step out onto the street? Will your mother have a gun trained on you when you next walk into her door? Maybe she'll complain her addled head off, but she does that all the time now, and you live through it. She pitches a fit if you so something without her. So? And how does she know what you have done without her?

I think it will help you immensely to
1) learn about dementia.
2) take control of your own life and actions. Realize that you don't "have to" do anything with regards to your mother, except see to it that she is safe and adequately cared for. Chose how much time you want to spend with her, and what you want to do with it. And your perception of the experience may change, as you learn more about the disease she has.

You are not a lousy excuse for a daughter. You are obviously a kind and dutiful woman who is in over her head dealing with a cruel, confusing, and devastating disease that is taking your mother away from you.

Best wishes to you are you struggle on this very heatbreaking journey you never signed up for. May it help to know that you are not alone, and that in fact the road is getting crowded.
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Who whoa whoa!!! slow down dear fellow caregiver. I'm an only child too. And I am sandwiched between my mom & my daughter. My mom has also Alzheimer's. egw07305 is very right. To keep your sanity, don't argue with your mom. Don't correct her every mistake. Unless the mistake is a matter of life or death, just let it be. Let her be in her own small world that existed in her memory long long time ago which you will never be able to visit as it happened perhaps even before u came into this world. So don't correct her, just say nice words, agree with her, proceed with whatever you're doing for her. Save whatever amount of energy & sanity you have. You will need it. Remember, you're not alone. I'm an only child just like you. I'm in my 40s now. It's alright to rant & vent. You come to a good website perfect for your emotional overload! Many of us here are on the brink of either killing ourselves or killing/shortening the lifespan of the ones we care about. My mom's Alz case is perhaps even longer than yours. She's almost 19 years in this degenerative disease and according to her she still wants to see my daughter graduate from the university! Ha-ha-ha ho - ho -ho boy oh boy that means another 8-10 years of waiting for the grim reaper to take her away! Smile.. I wanna add some silliness to our thankless situation. Hugs & kisses my fellow only child-caregiver.
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Wow, thank you all so very much for your answers. At some level (deep down), my brain does say to me "stop. Think. Don't argue with her. It's pointless. Just agree with whatever she says or deflect the conversation." I find that easier to do on other things, like if she insists we haven't been to a restaurant before or insists she's not seen the movie I just took her last week to see. But are you really telling me (not arguing here, just asking, please) that it is "okay" if she says that Mrs. Smith died (it was really the husband that did) and then gets upset and starts crying about it. I HAVE tried saying "no, it's not Mrs. Smith that died, it's her husband Mr. Smith. Mrs. Smith has dementia and is now in a nursing home." But when I say that she gets angry because I have "argued" with her. So are you saying that I just sympathize with her that Mrs. Smith has died (she hasn't) while I watch her literally crying?

What the hell is it with dementia? Do all dementia patients get angry when they are told the truth? I wonder. Yes, my mother has always been a "don't you argue with me" type of person, but then when told the truth she would back down with a "well okay" but unhappy that she was corrected type of mindset. But now it's a "don't you even dare to argue with me. I know the truth."

As far as "having" to see her so much jeannegibs I just had to laugh when you said is my mother waiting for me with a gun or going to have me arrested (thanks SO much for the giggle. I truly needed it). You're right. Those things won't happen. The problem is that she has made me her ENTIRE EXISTENCE (before me, it was my wonderful father while he was still alive). She hates being alone, complains of being lonely CONSTANTLY, says that there are days when she doesn't see someone (untrue. I make sure that she is with either me or the caregiver every single day. There is never ever a day when she is by herself). She has NEVER been a person who is okay by herself, ever. She always has to be around other people. i.e. me.

I cannot pay the caregiver, or any other ones, more money, as it is already quite expensive. Therefore, my only other option is to either a) beg one of my daughter's to spend time with her (I did yesterday, but she doesn't want to. Sad, but I probably could "make" her to do it to give me a break. Should I?). or b) leave her in her house by herself with no way to get out as no car, and no one to be with as neither the caregiver or I will be there. Her day will just consist of her being lonely, lonely, lonely (the same mantra I hear twenty five times a day from her), probably not eating and calling me non stop to tell me she is lonely and asking when I am coming to pick her up. Sure, I could not answer, but I'm always a little scared as she could fall. It's not like she has anyone else's number to call in an emergency.

To other people out there whose loved ones have dementia: is the constant whining of loneliness dementia related or do you think it's my mom's needy personality?

Thanks so much. You prop me up!!
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Karen, you are NOT a bad daughter, you just got stuck with an ungrateful mother. You want to 'take care' of her, but when does that mean you have to be her servant? To 'take care' of someone just means that you're making sure they're alright and safe. If that means having her live somewhere like Adult Foster Care or Asst Living, then so be it. I am on the flip side in the fact that my mother-in-law is VERY grateful to me for every thing I do for her. I also take her to a movie once a week or so, but unlike your mother, she is just so grateful to get out of her asst living place (though it's really nice) that she doesn't care what we see. She enjoys everything we do together because she knows I don't HAVE to pick her up, I do it because I WANT to. Your mom needs a reality check on that I think. As far as not hearing at the movies, I'd tell her either she wears them during the movie, or I won't take her. period. Put the ball back in her court since she wants to be so controlling anyway. When she starts complaining at lunch, ask for the check and leave. Tell her since she hates the food/service that there's no sense staying. Take back control, what have you got to lose? She's a pain in the rear anyway right?
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naheaton, oh dear. I hope I didn't make my mother out to be very ungrateful. She's not. She DOES love it when I come and pick her up. The problem is that she wants this every day. She does always thank me for anything I do for her. She is very grateful for what I do. And no, she's not a pain in the rear. It's dementia that is, not my mother. Oh boy, I really hope I didn't come across as saying she's a pain. Oh dear!
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Karen, well I am relieved to hear that your mom isn't as ungrateful as I first thought. WHEW!!
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Karen, I didn't get the idea your mother was ungrateful. For myself, I know that on bad days I make my parents sound like dogs. Then the next day I wish I hadn't been so rough on them. I imagine that a lot of people on the group do that.

Something happened with my mother this evening that made me think of you. She told me that the BBQ ribs I had bought for lunch were too tough and she didn't like them. She said that she would have much rather had the chipped BBQ. I said, "But, Mom, the last time I bought the chipped BBQ you said you didn't like it and you would rather have the ribs." Of course, she denied saying that. Sometimes there is no winning.

I'm glad for this thread because it made the rib incident funny. I go through this with almost everything I buy or cook. My father would eat only sweets if he could and my mother would eat only fried chicken. Reminds me of getting young kids to eat what they should. (My father throws his away when he thinks no one is looking.)
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"What the hell is it with dementia? Do all dementia patients get angry when they are told the truth? I wonder."

It depends on the context, but I'd say, yes, it is very common for a dementia patient to get angry or depressed or anxious when told a truth that contradicts something that is part of their current reality. (Which might be different tomorrow, by the way.) On another board I belong to we have two members who are in early stages of early-onset dementia. They are both highly intelligent and still able to articulate their feelings and insights. Both have written about this. They know their world is spiralling out of their control. They know that they can no longer trust their own senses or perceptions. And when they think there is something they know they don't want a loved one to shatter that knowledge. They can't stand arguing. They need to be right about SOMETHING. The woman reports talking to her husband about this and apologizing for how strongly she depends her "truth" even on trivial matters. He says he understands and is not hurt by it. Dementia patients need someone in their lives strong enough to set aside "the truth" and enter into the patients' reality, at least briefly, in emotional or volatile moments.

And yes, I do mean to tell you that if Mrs. Smith is dead in her reality don't argue about it. And if she thinks her deceased father is sitting at the kitchen table giving her advice, don't try to talk her out of that, either. Arguing isn't going to change her mind and it undermines her confidence in your love.

I might, at some later point, strike up a conversation about Mrs. Smith. Talk about something in the past that you remember about her. Then say, "I think she is at Shady Acres nursing home. When we are out today, let's pick up a greeting card for her." If Mom still persists that she is dead (she may have forgotten that belief), you can say, "Oh, maybe my information is wrong. I knew that Mr Smith died, but I hadn't heard about Mrs."

Your situation is greatly complicated by your mother's long-term behavior patterns. But just because she had one kind of relationship with your father does not obligate you to fill the same role in her life, with or without dementia. Be kind, be loving, and be firm. You will see her on Wednesday. No, you can't come over today, but you will see her on Wednesday. Unfortunately it may be nearly impossible for her to "learn" that you mean what you say, depending on how advanced her dementia is. But you can learn. You can learn that she doesn't have a gun or the power of arrest. You can learn that you are never going to be able to satisfy her need to have someone else give meaning to her life. You can learn to say no and do no, and to set boundaries.

The financial aspects of this are tough. She needs daily care. This need will increase as the dementia progresses. You say that she cannot afford daily care. Then she should be able to qualify for some financial assistance. Get a case worker involved and research her options for her. Maybe she would be better off in a care facility of some kind. Maybe she will qualify for a program that helps seniors stay in the community. But do your homework and I think you will discover that she has more options than to throw herself on her daughter's mercy and by hook or by crook or by guilt get said daughter to give more of herself than she reasonably can.

This isn't easy, and I'm not criticizing you. I think you might be a little too close to the problem to see it clearly.
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Jessie, I love the BBQ story. It is such a good example of the kind of difficulty we are up against in trying to please our loved ones who have dementia. If you can chalk it up to one more funny story to tell the gang, that certainly is one way to get through it without the screaming meemeesies.
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jeannegibbs, your insight amazes me. There is no way I could possibly interpret your kind, helpful, direct, factual points as criticism at all. No way! Your answers have been dead on. Just the very information I have been looking for. This is all helping me SO much. Everyone's support has been great. The personal stories that you have all shared with me have all helped so much. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone and that it IS okay for me not to be at my mother's fingertips, because that is how I have always felt. I now feel sorrow for her. Does this sound crazy: I hope I don't die before her as her life will cave in. With me gone and my kids having lives of their own, there will be no one else there for her.

This really makes me want to have more friendships in my life and more interests and join book clubs, pottery class, parachute jumping class (okay, maybe not the last one!). If I only surround myself with my kids, this could quite easily be me in a few decades. No friends. No life. No one. Just my kids. I hope I never become so overly dependent on my kids that they come to one of these sites for help!

Do you think those things would have made a difference if my mother had expanded her world beyond only my dad and me. Or do you think that with dementia, they push all others away except family? I don't know as this is obviously not the case with my mother as she only wants me. But I was wondering if all elderly people with dementia become overly dependent and emotionally strangling?
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I don't know if there is any research on this, but I think that those who have interests and hobbies and a social life before dementia can weather it a little better. My husband can still enjoy following his favorite teams on tv. He can read. He was even able to attend my book club with me for several months. He'd read the book but not necessarily say much during the meeting. Still, it was something interesting to do. He was thrilled to discover (with my help) a senior bowling league he could join. It is the highlight of his week to bowl with them, and they seem to treat him with special care. In the summer he golfs with a handicap league run by a local rehab center.

But I'll also warn you that dementia may rob a person of the ability to continue with interests from their past. A shortened attention span may make watching a long sports event impractical. Physical limitations may prevent former activities. Someone who sang in the choir may no longer have control of her voice. Dementia is a cruel, cruel, disease, and I'm not sure there is any way to prepare for it.

But expanding your own world and developing new interests will be very beneficial as you age if you don't develop dementia. And it could possibly help if you do. I'd say that's a no brainer. Go for it! :)
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Karen,
Don't backtrack. Sounds like people are making you feel guilty. Don't cause we all have our moments, days, weeks, etc.. of feeling just as you are venting. And that is just that..venting..we are all doing the best we can in an unfamiliar situation. Yes, education is helpful but here on this blog where the real world exists helps the most. In the past nine months I am learning to deal with my mother's dementia that I didn't know existed until I moved close by.

I have been thousands of miles aways for many, many years from my mother and now thinking I would have some very special times with my mother in the years before she passes has warped into to something so very different. Which is what I am dealing with and how to prepare with the future without wanting to shoot myself and my sister who will not deal with reality.

Anyway hang in there, you are not alone, keep posting. Your feelings are valid.. but it is an education to understand if only to keep yourself sane.
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Oh and one other thing, my mother is 83 and I have considered her with mild dementia and when I reread your post and you said your mother has moderate dementia..then I would say my mother has advanced..go figure..
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Hi Karen & everyone on this thread -- I asked myself many times precisely what stage is my mom's Alzheimer's. Research on Google says she could be somewhere Stage 5 or 6. I looked for signs & symptoms. She's showing some signs on Stage 4. Let's just say that after 19 years of caring I want to fastforward it to Stage 7 if I can do it right now. Mom had a bad fall again while I'm in the middle of my tutoring an elementary student. Even me at home already, there's no guarantee I can stop her from suddenly falling. Reason: her world spinned round & round. Vertigo. Anyway, all the good advice here at worth the time we spend on. Now as early as today, we try to expand our world, cultivate friends and hobbies, learn new things, even if we can't be too far away skiing on top of the Alps or snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef. We can expand our world even though were only few steps away from the old brats we take care. This website is one of them. It's very useful for me when I need to vent. And also knowing that many are in the same boat, and as one mentioned here, the road is getting crowded. Karen, you're not alone. Take deep breaths.. Oh another student told me to hum a song, sing a song to divert bad emotions and to deflect my mom's negative words. In that way I won't be hearing most of her negative comments. U may wanna try singing a song.. Sing loudly so that u only hear your own music :-) Give it a try!
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I really feel your pain. My mother is not as severely affected as yours, she remembers when friends have died. But it is as if senile dementia sends them backwards and the things they always thought important take on even more significance. My mother always needed everything in its place and was always quite the perfectionist and it is even more so now that she is 87. I hope at least turning to this online forum has given you some emotional support. I too struggle with the guilt. Right now my mother is in the hospital and I felt guilty leaving her there. But I am the only one who takes most of the responsibility for her and I needed the break. My Mom though just kept insisted when I told her I would spend the night after surgery, she kept insisting I not stay. I did anyway but so much of the time I just give in. She always had a hard head now it's turned into a boulder. I can tell her something one day and the next day she either forgot it or didn't hear what I said. I have been able to live with her but it can drive me batty at times and like you I feel guilty. But her world needs to be so neat and tidy with no messes - physically or emotionally in the house. I can't be mad or sad she can't take it. Then I just get to where I leave the house when I'm upset and don't feel like the home is mine. It's been a challenge and it helps reading other people's stories and frustrations. I think I need to read some about dementia too to understand how to deal with it and survive better. Right now she is in the hospital after her surgery and she did fine through the knee operation. I have a brother but he lives 3+ hours away and much of the time his head is in the clouds. And Mom when she is in pain - she had a mother who was a hypochondriac so she won't tell you unless she's feeling so bad you just don't know how much she's hurting. And she won't let me help her and she'll do things for herself and then make her condition worse. We've at least been able to discuss putting her in rehab briefly after her surgery because I work. I think she's accepting that. Take a pill - she has had vertigo in the past and didn't tell me about it until I saw her almost fall down then I had to go with her to the doctor or she would not have told the doctor about it. Then she did not want to take any more pills and did not want to take the medicine. She finally took it but did not take it right and it did not help. Finally I convinced her to take it right and it got rid of it but when it came back again she didn't remember taking the medicine again and I had to remind her. Last night at the hospital she had a bad attack of atrial fib and her blood pressure shot up and they gave her meds to calm it down. She got better but then said I wonder if they can give me something just to calm it down when it happens. I hate to take another pill. I hope they can too otherwise she won't take the medicine. My best wishes to you with your situation. I agree with the others you've just gotten angry with your Mom as I have in the last couple of days. I held it in and it was better to let it out and at least admit it to myself. You're not a bad daughter.
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I agree with everything u say. I am also at the end of my teather, i love my mum i have severe rheumatoid arthritis, have 3 replacements yet she still expects me to be there on demand. Its been going on for 18months now, i got careworkers going in, and i also got a watch alarm for her safety, but she still calls me constantly. I am woken up most mornings 8.30 as i try rest, i dont sleep much with pain and the constant worry about my mum. I dont know what more i can do for her, i have done everfything, i dont have brothers or sisters i am only daughter, 55 i am and look 90. In the last year i have aged so much, with this stress. It has been put to me now she may be better in a residential home, i feel so guilty but i just cant manage anymore.I have a carer myself because of my illness. Please someone enliten me what to do...I feel my life is over.I am about to be a nana foer first time but just so exhausted i devote all my spare time to my mum.
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When is the right time to say enough and put mum into residential care? i just cant cope anymore, i am a bag of nerves her daughter. My mum has dementia 18months and very bad anxiety...
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I do agree with everything you say. I am the only daughter also, infact i am going to be a nana in any day my first grandchild. My mum is so demanding, she dont want me go no where, just be by phone, i dont have a life anymore, i used to have lots friends socialize but when i dont see my mum and i am tird with my own illness i just want to sleep. Its 18 months now since things started going bad, i have tried to keep her in her own home, with carers going in twice a day, but she wont do anything now in home to help herself. She wont wear her glasses that i bought for her, she has cateracts wont go and get them done, its hard work i know. She cant help the dementia, i know but its also very tiring for us family, especially when i am disabled myself. She says i depend on you, she has already been nasty saying to me i suppose when baby born i wont see you, you will go there for few days. My son lives up north and naturally i want to see them. I want to have a holiday with my carer she already says u must stay here...I do feel so depressed sometimes because i feel i am just ageing and not having no life, my mum is 84 by the way...Many people would say she has had her life, but i have tried so hard to help her.Now i am exhausted.
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Teresa, the right time is when you have done all you can for your parent. It sounds for her own safety and wellbeing that a residential care situation may be the best. You have been a loving daughter to put your Mother's needs above yours but it sounds as if you have gone above and beyond what you can physically and emotionally handle.

You will still visit and be her advocate but have the time to take care of your own health and wellbeing. There should be no guilt or feeling of failure. You are doing what is best for both of you now!

Good luck and God bless!
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karen,
i think geewhiz gave you some great advice. do not try to correct or rationalize, its asking for the impossible out of a demented mindset.
ill give you another piece of advice ; take control. dont ask her shit, tell her how its going to go down. ie; " im not coming back till thursday " . that leaves no room for argument or discussion. i know this approach sounds bully-ish but your clearly at wits end and dont deserve to end up sick or dead because your mother is and probably has always been an argumentive prick.. people will only push you as far as youll let them. its the first thing i had to learn when i went into business for myself. one sign of weakness and you are toast..
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Karen you have some sound advice...I think my advice would have been almost a repeat of everyone here. Which basically means you are not alone. Everyone here has experienced or is in the middle of the same journey as you. One thing I learned about with my mom who had lewy body dementia is no matter what. Don't argue or question her abilities...that just brought out the horns. Dementia is a very frustrating disease, it robs you of the person who you knew..leaving you with someone is an imposter. My mom was always a sweet caring kind soul...dementia made her angry, frustrated and uncaring person. So not my mom. The more I accepted what the disease did to her ..the more I was able to care for her better. I had to disconnect that I was her daughter...and this wasn't the mom I knew...emotionally disconnect..so that I was not hurt by her anymore. It wasn't her I know that now. But I do encourage you to learn about it..google Tepa Snow..she is a nurse that works with training caregivers...very informative and I learned so much from her. I hope things get a little better for her. Hugs..God Bless you.
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I can't add a lot to the other posts --- all are SOOO TRUE so take them to heart and learn from their wisdom. My mom turns 90 this month and I'm in the same boat -- only no caregiver (she won't allow it); no neighbor or friend visits for much the same reason as your mom, disagreeable, negative, confused, self pity, etc. My mom also has dementia -- it doesn't get better. I'm not an only child; but am the only one who tends to her (my brother has washed his hands of it). I live long distance and work full time. It is very painful to talk to her or visit her; emotionally draining for me. The guilt doesn't end. What I've learned about coping has come mainly from this support forum and I thank God for all of you out there.

I know you feel at your wits end; I've been there and get there everytime I visit. I try to disregard her delusions, untruths, paranoia and accusations as much as possible. I just visited this week and have to hear her ask me about a "new husband"; or my living in her town or working in her town (non of which is true; honestly, I don't know where she has gotten this stuff; but it has been ongoing for over a year and she can't seem to reset the loop). I try correcting her, then ignoring it. I admittedly snapped this week and made her look at me and told her I didn't know of XXXX and we weren't married; and that I wanted her to quit asking me about him (imaginary person) and to stop telling others about him. Not that it matters and everyone knows the truth; but honestly, it just got to me and I decided it made me feel better to confront her about it. I know it won't change and next time I see her, she'll recount "her truth" all over again; but I felt better for the time being.

Don't feel guilty about wanting it "to be over". We all do. This is unchartered territory and no one thought we'd be sandwiched in this. Science continues to help us live longer -- but with what kind of quality? Someone mentioned earlier, this generation doesn't understand caregiving, SL, AL, skilled nursing care, etc. -- our parents didn't deal with it; their parents lived shorter lives or were in a NH -- and they don't want to give up their independence.

I've rambled. You will need to set boundaries for your sanity. Please don't go over to see her angry or exhausted -- you won't do either of you any good. Don't force your daughters either (its even more scary for them). Consider taking her to Senior Center (or sometimes they have bus service and will pick the senior up) for one extra day or two mornings; consider checking with your church/mothers church to see if they have some "visiting companions" that will stop in and visit your mom once a week or so.

Keep coming back for support or to vent. Give yourself a break and if you need to; make up an excuse and tell your mom you aren't feeling well and give yourself a few days off.
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We have been through the same repetitive questions and found that there is no answer that is satisfactory! We learned to agree, go along with, and say we'll be going soon. There is no use in arguing. Remember its not their fault and didnt choose to be like this. It's hard, we know but instead of butting heads we learned to just enjoy and go with what comes! some days are better than others but hang in there.
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We are dealing with alzheimers compounded by stroke. By the grace of God, we have Hospice. My dad has been under Hospice care for over a year now. Without them, I don't know where we would be. My parents are young. In their early 70's. My mom is caring for my dad because she wants to keep him home as long as possible. We have two different caregivers as well as my siblings. We all take turns going over and helping. Sometimes it is only for an hour, but it makes a huge difference to a person that is dealing with such life stealing disease as alzheimers. It doesn't just steal the life of the person suffering, but all those around them. But you CANNOT let it consume you. My mother finally started to understand that at some point she had to start letting go. It was hard in the beginning, but now I think she sees that a gradual "letting go" is better than having to all at once. I hate leaving my parents. But there are days when I literally leave and shut it out of my brain. It has taken me awhile to learn. But I do feel better about their situation. You might check and see if your mom is eligible for Hospice services. There is a lot of misconception about it. It saved us.
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Oh Boy do I know where your at. My father lives alone, has heart issues, dementia and refuses to tend to his needs. He throws tirades if he doesn't get his way, he is basicly a shut in because he doesn't drive any more. His house is in disrepair and not equipted for an elderly person to live in but he insists on staying there. Last week he instilled so much guilt into me I was ready for a padded cell and a straight jacket. I joined a support group, got a prescription of Zoloft and started a self help work book to deal with the anxiety and depression. Then I called Social Services to come in and help. If worst comes to worst I'll have to have the court system make him go into assisted living. I know this sounds rash and cold but praying to God to take your life or your parents is a cry for help. Shooting your parent isn't going to resolve anything. Get help now!!!! You have to be in a good place mentally and physically in order to help your parent. Your not being selfish, your important too.
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a wonderful comment and wroth repeating - you are important too. I am important too. We matter too. Courage fellow caregivers!
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I recently heard the term "therapeutic lying" used to describe the lies we tell those with dementia who are living in a different reality than ours. I am trying to think up some therapeutic lies to tell my mother when she adamantly insists she can return to live on her own after having two doctors tell us she needs to be in an assisted living dementia unit. We finally got her in one near my home but only after her spending a week in a psych unit where they put her on medication to help with her
poor judgement and danger to herself behavior.
My biggest struggle is guilt that I can't handle her by myself and a wish that I could make things better for her. When she complains and asks me if I understand why she wants to leave it really pushes my guilt buttons and I am going to go back into therapy to figure out ways to help myself be stronger and less susceptible to her mood swings.
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Sounds like she's manipulating you through guilt big time. All my life guilt, threats and whining were my mother's favourite weapons. She never had any interests apart from her looks, shopping and striving for the biggest and best of everything. My poor father RIP busted his chops trying to make her happy but nothing was ever good enough and she treated he and I like dirt. Wherever she lived she alienated the neighbours and the few friends she ever had. She's been in a NH just over a year with Parkinsons and dementia.

Yesterday before supper she decided to look in her closet. She can't stand alone, the bed alarm went off and they found her on the floor with a skinned finger. On blood thinners, it wouldn't stop bleeding so they sent her to hospital by ambulance for stitches - I can't lift her into my truck and the NH staff aren't allowed to help.

I called her today and she was thoroughly angry I didn't rush to sit with her and keep her company while she waited at the hospital. a) I live out in the country, it's pitch dark, freezing cold and snowing plus I have physical issues of my own b) I've had a couple of glasses of wine (it's Christmas Day) and I'm not driving, and c) Over the years I cared for her I can't remember how many times I called an ambulance in the middle of the night, had blood all over the house and spent hundreds of hours in ER waiting rooms, so a skinned finger is somewhat trivial don't you think?

Never mind, I should have rushed to sit and keep her company. This from a woman who refused to lift a finger to help her parents when they were old and in poor shape. I don't feel guilty at all. About time she pulled on a pair of big girl panties and learned the world doesn't revolve around "me, me, me".

Set boundaries and stand your ground!
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