Is anyone in the same situation as me? My 79 year old mother has moderate dementia
Besides my 2 adult daughters who have their own lives to live. there is no one to help at all. My mother has no family besides me and my kids. I am an only child. I love my mother, but I am at the end of my rope. When I dropped her off today at her house I was crying on the way home, begging God to either take my mother or to take me, because I cannot live this way anymore.
If I had a choice I would see my mother once or twice a week tops. I don't have a choice as she is very demanding and does live along and does have dementia and doesn't drive and is disabled (bilateral hip implants and walks with a cane). My mother feels it is my duty to care for her. I know that it is my responsibility to help her and to be with her as much as I can but it is emotionally killing me.
Because she has dementia she can't remember from one day to the next. She is very demanding. Just take today for instance. She likes to go to the movies every week. She hates most of the movies we go to, even when she picks them out. She refuses to wear her hearing aid so she complains at EVERY movie we go to that she can't hear it. When I say to her that it would help if she wore the hearing aid, she gets angry with me. After the movie we went to IHOP and in traditional complaining mode, she complained that the tea didn't taste right (the exact same brand she has) and that the ice cream was too hard and that the pancakes didn't have fruit in them (she didn't order fruit in them). Everytime we go out to eat she ALWAYS complains about EVERYTHING and says she "never wants to come back here" again. There are only 2 places out of about 30 that we go to and we don't like those places. Sorry.
While we were eating, I asked her about a letter she had received from an old friend of hers who has dementia also and lives in nursing home. She insists that this woman is dead (her husband died about a year ago but she is very much alive, just in a nursing home). My mother insisted again that she was dead. She said someone else had written the letter. I told her that she was alive and she got very angry at me. I said to her "hey mom, you keep saying she is dead and I tell you every time that she is alive. What do you want me to do next time you say she is dead." Idiot me expected her to say, "I want you to tell me the truth". Well, she didn't. Instead she said "I want you to stop arguing and disagreeing with me." Are you f-ing kidding me? She really wants me to not say anything to her when she says that her friend is dead and starts crying about her. Are you kidding me????
I am not allowed to see a movie without her. I am not allowed to go on vacation without her. Do I see movies without her? yes. However, "sneaking" away for vacation is so much harder.
I am forced to see her on Mondays, Fridays, Saturdays and alternate Sundays. I hired a caregiver on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and alternate Sundays. She does about 17 hours a week and I do about 17 hours a week. Yes, the caregiver has helped somewhat, but my mother is still driving me crazy. Her whole life revolves around me and she is emotionally strangling me to death. She has no problem if my kids want to do anything without her but pitches a fit if I dare to do something without her.
Growing up she was the same way with my dad. She would complain that he was exercising or taking a class at college when he retired because "he doesn't want to be with me." Yes, it sounds like deep emotional abandonment issues. I am not a heartless person. I feel so very sorry for my mother. She has been through hell and back but I cannot go on like this as I am being dragged down into the misery.
I hate being with her. There, I said it. I am a lousy excuse for a daughter. If I truly loved my mother I would want her to live with me, and I would want to be with her all day long every day. I would rather shoot myself than have her here more than she already is.
I guess if her attitude was a little more positive, it would be easier. But someone who refuses to wear a hearing aid and makes me repeat things twice. Someone who demands that I don't tell her that her friend is alive. Someone who demands that I spend time with her because she is "alone and lonely." I am ready to hang myself.
I have encouraged her to participate in senior related activities and she won't. I have begged her to contact her neighbors but she refuses as "if they wanted me they would knock on my door.
If I had a gun right now I am scared to think what I would do with it.
She is already on a ton of meds including an antidepressant and two memory meds. Every time I am with her, I feel my happiness draining. I am not allowed to disagree with her. Today she asked me when we had to pack to go home. We haven't gone anywhere! when I told her this, she started getting upset with me again. There is nothing I can do every to make this woman happy except to agree with her even when she is wrong.
PLEASE give me some advice. I am at the brink. Than