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I took my mom for a visit of the adult day care facility in my area. My mom is legally blind and has some dimentia. She got very upset during the visit and started yelling "I want to get out of here" and then began crying. Her visit time was about 1 PM and we were out of there before 2 PM. She keep staying that I wanted to get rid of her and that I was dumping her there.

It took another 5 to 6 hours to claim her down. Last night she was up 4 times after we put her to bed.

How do you help you mom overcome the fear of being dump (as she expreseed)? How do you rid yourself the guilt of hearing your mom express herself in those terms?

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I can't say it any better than Cat. Go slow. Let her know you are still there, but that she needs care you can't give all day. She will fight it for awhile, but most elders get so they enjoy it once they adjust. Cat's question about her social personality before dementia is very good. Some of us (I'm one of them) aren't very social to begin with. That makes this type of thing harder. But it's worth a try. If she used to be social, she will adjust better, once she realizes you won't be cowed by guilt and that you are doing what is best for both of you.
Carol
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Joe,
first off you have to ask yourself is what is the core reason you took her to a daycare? People who know us best (moms) have the uncanny knack of picking up on our motives. If she needs supervised care, and if you need time for work, respite, whatever; coupled with her dementia and poor vision it is easy for an outsider to understand that she feels vulnerable. How was she socially when she was younger?

I don't know you or your mom; but I feel deep sympathy for you both. I hope you are able to just take it slow and reinforce that you have no intention of dumping her. Talk to her, remind her you love her, hug her and let her tell her fears in her own time. You might also want to call the daycare (if you thought it was ok) and ask them advice on how to acclimate your mom without further trauma.
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Cat and MindingOurElders, thanks for such thoughtfull guidance. My mom was a person who was always doing for others. She was not one who belong to clubs or social groups. Her family, friends and neighbors were her life. I stopped work in January to help my wife with my mom's daily routine. She is very bored sitting all day. I do take her out once in a while to the mall or to visit family or friends but cannot always do that since I am trying to develop work from home.

I am very concern about putting her in respite care when we go on vacation, the 3rd week of July.
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Dear Joe -
My husband had Alz. for yrs. and I have run an Alz. Support Group for 5 yrs. My members have told me stories similar to yours, but they have learned that love and understanding can help. Take a few weeks and try to help Mom understand that others need her help - like she did for you as a child. She should feel needed, and perhaps revert to her old life time. As an Alz. patient progresses in the disease their minds go back to the things they did when they were younger - so may be she will feel the need to help, "Mother", again. Even though she isn't able to see, she can hold hands, sing, show affection to the others surrounding her. This would be "her Job", and if necessary, you could even say she is getting paid for it. Give the aids a $ to hand to her. It should make her feel important and needed - perhaps you can honor her in some way for doing this, and even stay for awhile to show her what to do. If she is still hesitant, try finding an aid to come in, or friend, or call Bureau of Aging ( they are able to help in MANY ways). You must have a break from this stress. Mom may not like an aid, either, but try explaining that YOU need some "help" ( not because of her ), and explain it to the aid. I realize money is always a problem - look for ways to save, and contact Bureau of Aging. (I sold many family antiques to help with our bills). You must care for yourself FIRST, so often care givers die from the stress of all the problems. Your Mother still loves you, but very deep inside. She is no longer able to express herself, and this, in turn causes her great anxiety. Be loving, kind, hug her, rub her hands or hair. If she doesn't want that at the moment - try again in 10mins. - she will forget.
"Touch" is soooo important as it helps to sooth the patient. Keep her favorite music going in the back ground, hymns perhaps. But do take care of yourself - try as hard as you can to find a Support Group. There is a wealth of information, as well as sympathy, in these groups. It makes a difference in your life, and YOU are the important one now. Do NOT feel guilty. You are doing a wonderful job, and God knows you are.. You are not alone! Go out and talk with other people, they can give you so much information, and those in church are helpful. I even know a minister that would "baby sit" for 2 hrs. every other week, so the wife could attend the Support Group.
It is not an easy path, but with patience you will find a way, and you are doing the very best you can. Every letter you read will have good advice, put them all together and hopefully life will a bit easier. God Bless You.
Maryan
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I took my Grandma to daycare for awhile, but I told her she was going to work. The daycare people were great about it and they found little jobs for her to do. I "paid" her every week. Other people tell their loved ones that they are going to volunteer at the daycare center.
A lot of people get used to going to daycare over time.
Good luck
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