Krnflakgrl Asked July 2010

My mom does not want to go to assisted living, but it would be best for me and my family. How do I get her to go?

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My husband and I have lived with and cared for both my dad through lung cancer(who died in 08) and my mom post-stroke for three years. She recently had a fall in May and is having a lot of trouble getting around. She's been in rehab for a couple of months and is being released in a few weeks. They are suggesting assisted living since my husband and I both work outside the home. I only work part time, but there would be many hours during the day where she would be left alone and unsafe. She is refusing to go- saying she wants to come home. Personally, I just can't do the caregiving anymore, and I've talked to the social workers about this. My mother is a very difficult/needy woman and I know exactly what I'm in for if she comes home.They are taking this into consideration with the referral for assisted living and keep telling mom that I just can't do it, but she doesn't see to care how much stress it will add onto me. My brother also wants her home, but he is never around.Advice?

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BeatrizV Jun 2011
I had the same problem with my mom and dad. They are around 80 and didn't want to leave their house. I had to go everyday to their house just to check on them. It was very difficult, I got 3 kids and a full time job. My brother lives out of state, so everything is on me. After looking for options, one of my friends mentioned something about sensors located around her parents house and how she set up the parameters. Like if her mom doesn't pick up the newspaper from 7 am to 11 am, she'll get a text or a phone call, etc. And caller ID, so she blocks all scam calls. So after talking with my family, we did it. Now I know everything that I need to know about their daily routines. I feel at peace and happy that they are living safe and sound. The best part was the price $$, it was cheaper that most assisting living facilities.
I hope this helps =)
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toadballet1 Jun 2011
Just one note of caution: be very careful to ask the tough questions when choosing an ALF. Most places want residents who can walk and are capable of getting to the toilet on their own. There is not a lot of personal assistance at an ALF. You have to be VERY specific as to what they offer and have them put it in writing. Many ALFs now have a "tiered" approach, so you can add on extras like bathing, room service for meals, and transport to activities, etc. I haven't heard of an ALF that accepts someone who cannot walk well on their own or do personal care. Usually, they are eager to get them transferred to a Nursing Home - even if they do not require medical care.
Be wary, the representatives with whom you have first contact are sales people charged with filling rooms and they may tell you that they will take care of all your parent's needs.
I would suggest observing your Mom and writing down all the things that you need to do for her. These are the things she will need at the ALF. Make a list and hand it to the representative. Find out if the services are available and if they come with the basic rent or are extras. And, again, get EVERYTHING in writing. Trust me, you do not want to deal with these things after your Mom moves in.
As for your brother, he needs to understand that an inheritance only occurs after someone has passed. Until then, these are HER assets to be used for HER care. I am sure that he would love for you to continue being the unpaid help. Perhaps it would be a good idea for both you and your brother to sit down with an elder financial planner. Do not sell her home until you have done so. (btw, we have an excellent financial planning expert on this site, named Ralph Robbins. Do a search of his posts.)
Let your brother know that this is not negotiable. You are not able to provide the care she needs, she has to go to the best facility for the care she requires, and he needs to loosen the purse strings. The POA is only in effect if your mother is unable to express her wishes - it does NOT give him carte blanche. If he refuses to cooperate, your mother may have to reassign the POA to you or a third party. It is in her best interests.
good luck...money seems to make a mess of everything!
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judy1 Jun 2011
I agree with rrsams23, my mother is also in an ALF. Luckily she can afford to be there. To me it's worth every penny it costs. She is so much happier than when she lived alone even though she didn't want to move out of her home. I work full time and it was just getting too hard for me to try to take care of her every need, plus it was getting to the point where she wasn't safe any longer. Putting her into the ALF was the best thing I could have done for her!! Eventually she also realized that this is the best place for her.....
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When my mother first entered her assisted living facility she was going through depression, she didn't want to eat or socialize with anyone and just stayed in her room. Since then she has come around, is very social. I feel she cannot live by herself even though she has made it clear to me that she can. I feel bad that she can't live with me but at the same time I don't think that would work out. I don't mean to sound selfish but I know I can't do it. I have alot of guilt about that. How can I convince her that this the best I can do for right now? I do see her 3 times a week, take her shopping and lunch, what more can I do?
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Krnflakgrl Jul 2010
I feel really lucky because everyone at the rehab facility has been really wonderful! They know that I've had it, and they are pressing for assisted living. We have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow, that my brother will be at..and they've asked me how I want them to play it. They know I'm primary caregiver and have been for three years. Right after her fall, there was one night where she called out for me every hour and a half, I think that was my breaking point, because I haven't felt the same way about caregiving since. I'm just done I think. She'll be better off in the assisted living facility where she can interact with other her own age and will be fed three meals a day. At home, her only interaction was with myself and my husband and it wore us down. She needs others, and so do we! It's unfortunate because there's an inheritance involved that my brother is going to get. So his rationale for having her come home is so that the money can be saved...I could care less. I get the house, but I'll sell it right now if it will give me some peace. :) thanks for your comment!
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195Austin Jul 2010
Do not take her in it will worse than you can imagine let her choose to either live with your brother or assisted liveing-which does not seem like a good idea or placement with the last two you can still be involved remember elders are awake during the night and you can not be going 24/7 if where ever she is you can bring her home for a few hours or overnight but do not-do not bring her home with you she will just have to adjust esp. since she is difficult and needy which is her choice my husband almost killed me and a year later have health issues-if you have been on here for any amount of time you will see that no is sorry to have chosen placement but many many are sorry they did not-think of yourself 60% of caregivers die before the one they are caring-it is her choice to be difficult and it she gets her way that will increase 100 times-please think this through plus if she is left alone and something happens APS will be on your butt-some helpful nurse or neighbor will report you and you will be forced to hire help at about 25 dollars an hr. Let her go on medicaide and have the nursing home do it -then can very easily-listen to your head-not your heart she will kick up a fuss at first because she thinks she is entilted you may have to stay away from rehab for a time because she will try every trick in the book to get her way-been there,
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