How do I convince my mother that my brother needs help with her caregiving?

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My brother lives with and cares for my mother who is 71, disabled, and has multiple health problems. He is overwhelmed and is afraid of his future due to the fact he is unemployed and can't leave Mom by herself. She refuses to have anyone come to the house to help out. I live about 6 hours away and drive there every couple of months to give him a break, but it isn't enough. (I have two young children and a full time job, so I'm limited to the amount of time I can visit). We both want her to be able to stay at home and have someone come to help with light household chores and be there so that he could at least find a part time job. It would be healthy for them both, but she won't discuss getting outside help. She spent most of last year in a local nursing home and it was a bad experience. She had adequate care, but the conditions were less than clean and very depressing. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to talk to her about this, and if anyone knows of a way for my brother to get financial help.

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What happened to the attempt to get help through the VA?
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Thanks, Littlesister, for letting us all learn that your mom receives some money each month. I imagine other caregivers will write in to suggest ways in which your brother may (or perhaps may not) receive help from some agency or other. I hope your mom can be given care by an outside source so that your brother can get at least halftime work outside his/your mother's home. Does your mother own the home?
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Hi, lcs, my mother recieves SS, a pension from a retail job, and Medicare. I went through the process of trying to get her aid and assistance from the VA (my dad was a veteran). I had heard sometimes family members can get paid for caregiving; I looked into it at the local level, but was told they no loner had the funds to do that. I was wondering of other agencies that may be able to help my brother.
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Littlesister, I just noticed that you asked in your introductory message if anyone knows of a way for your brother to get financial help. Would this financial help be for him personally or for the care of his/your mother? Is your mother in need of financial assistance?
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He had been living on his own for 10 -15 years and moved back in with Mom for financial reasons as well as being worried that she lived by herself. I know he has tried to discuss this with her, but I don't know how honest he was about it. I agree a home health care nurse is the answer and am hoping we can get one to come as soon as possible. Mom went into the nursing home the winter of 2010 for about 9 months. The doctors basically told her if she wanted to live, she needed to go to the nursing home until she was better-she had 2 bypass surgeries in her leg, then had to have the left one removed this past June. Again, I agree he needs more than a part time job, but he and Mom have to take this one step at a time.
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Well, if he is under her control and lived at home for forty some years, then he is not going to take the initiative to make his or their life better. Thus, I assume that he has not talked face to face with his mom about this? What kind of work did he do previously. Does he have any health issues in addition to being burned out.

Even if you did live nearby, there is not much you could really do with working full time as well with two children at home. What does your husband think of this chaotic drama?

Would it be possible to get your brother online here? Has he tried to have a serious face to face conversation with his mom.?

It might be a good idea to have someone like a home health nurse to come in and do an evaluation of your mother's health and living situation because it does not sound healthy with her level of need and your brother's burn out.

How in the world did you manage to get your mom in the nursing home in the first place? I think your brother needs more than a part time job. That will not help with preparing for retirement and will not provide him any benefits.
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I am actually considering having her come to a nursing home close to me, but I don't know if she could safely make that trip (6 hours) if I drove her. I've also considered my brother's health and the possibility something could happen to him physically as well. This has been a long time coming and I've been trying to get my brother to accept help so he can look for work for at least a year. For whatever reason he has put this off and it's now at a critical point. I feel guilty for not living closer, but also frustrated that neither he nor my Mom have been taking steps to make their life better. Her health has been declining for about 8 years and she only seeks medical help when forced to.
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SIS:

The problem is that you and your brother are still allowing her to dictate the terms of her care. Beggars can't be choosers. She knows he's overwhelmed and is fretting over where he is and is going to be financially in the near future.

Let her know she has three choices: (1) go back to a NH; (2) accept outside help and be grateful for it; or (3) take care of herself. Your brother has done more than enough, and you're doing everything you can.

Good luck my Sister, and to your brother a heartfelt "THANK YOU."

-- Ed
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I still am wondering how it is that the SON (your brother) is the one who is looking after your mother? Isn't this awkward at times?? I am not saying that sons shouldn't have a hand in looking after their mothers but how was a man in his forties able to even start looking after his mother fulltime. Was he not working at the time your mother left the inadequate nursing home? How did he end up in such a predicament? Has he always been manipulated by his mother? Or has he been dependent upon her? I totally agree with cmagnum that the brother should be out working and saving for his own retirement. I wonder how much good writing a letter to your mother is going to do. I hope it leads to a face-to-face discussion with her concerning your brother's future welfare.
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Your brother is burned out for doing this 24/7 for the most part and understandably is worried about his own future since he is not working which is also reasonable. Since the nursing home where she lives was not adequate, does your city have one that is better. I assume with your mother at 71 that you and your brother are in your forties which is an important time to be working and saving toward retirement. BTW, who had medical and durable POA? Does your mother not grasp or care that your brother is burned out, that her expectations of him are unreasonable which are keeping him from being able to work and prepare for his own retirement? If she is not able to grasp this, then has she been evaluated for how competent she is to handle her own affairs in a business like manner? In a sense, your brother is under the bus and your mom wants to keep him there which is making him into a martyr who might end up dying before she does, if you two don't find another solution that works for everyone.
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