How to keep from going crazy while caring for your mother & not having a life?

Everyone's situation is different, but one thing is the same: caring for an elderly person is maddening. My mother's memory is such that she will be given food - the best I can make (wholesome and nutritious) and eat it and then a short while later claim that she hasn't eaten. If I go to lay down or do anything that doesn't happen in HER room, she calls out, "Hello?" "Hello?" "Is anybody there?" I have gone to her room to ask her what she needs and she says, "I didn't call you." If ever there was a surefire way to drive a person mad, this is it. I am at least glad that there are other people who are experiencing the same thing -- I'm not -- but I am, if you know what I mean. I'm sorry that other people experience it, but because I have to, I'm glad I'm not alone. It is more than tough. It is the hardest job, ever. I have SOME help but it's never at the time I really need it. It takes time to schedule someone. By the time I've made all of the arrangements, the crisis of needing space right then is past. I love my Mom but she was hard to live with in my childhood and teenage years. I was so glad to finally move out of her house. Now she is 93 and living with me, and some of the old personality traits are still there: the inability to empathize, the inability to "give room" or "space", the inability to just be at peace. If I've made her understand that I need a break, it comes at a great price. She sulks and plays the martyr just because I need to lay down for awhile. So some of this is her age and some of it is just her. It's a tough spot. I have tried to keep her out of a nursing home just because my experience with my Dad showed me how negligent they can be. But some days I am THIS CLOSE to giving up. It really takes an entire TEAM of people to handle just one elderly person, I'm positive. I live in another town from my closest relative, a move I made because I love the rural atmosphere. But at the same time, with an elderly person to care for, it would be so nice if family were just down the street or at least in the same town. We all want to be good daughters and sons and just shoulder the burden well, but it is SO hard. It shouldn't have to be this way; there should be shifts of people, and if one has the money, there can be, but -- we basically break even every month, even with the help I do hire. Sometimes I just want to scream, "THIS IS SO HARD!" So yes, at least here you can hear the voices of people who actually do go through some of what you go through. The names, faces, locations and specific conditions are unique, but the underlying thread is that this is crazy-making...

Thank you so much, my husband supports me in everyway possible. It's not the same though, I sometimes feel like he is judging me at times. I don't think no one really understand how hard it is to see your mom and or dad decline in health from dementia /alzh. I will try the support group It could only help.

samedna02, I too feel your pain and I am in the same situation that you are in. My Mom has lived with me and my husband for the past 4 years. He dementia/alzh gets worse every day, her health stays the same and she takes NO meds, but I too, am losing myself. I don't even know how to act when I get out in public or among people to carry on a conversation, sad isn't it. I do have a bit of help for you though. I found a group called Dementia Caregivers Support Group. on Facebook. Everyone vents and says a prayer and tell of their situations and asks questions about how to do things, and even gives a hug. It is so comforting and really helps a lot when you are down and out and no place to turn to to vent or get advice. Try this. It has helped me a lot........... Wishing you well!

Maybe you should look at the meds she is taking and see just what the side effects may be. It's likely that something, or several things are making her less than sane. Is she on statin drugs, check out this web site scientificamerican/article/its-not-dementia-its-your-heart-medication/ It tells a horror story about memory loss by a 60 something year old man. There are other drugs as well. Be careful about taking her off them though, because withdrawals can be dangerous. Go online and check out EVERY drug she is taking. You may both regain some of your sanity.

My Mom is 80 years old and she has dementia and other mental illness. She is driving me to the point were I am very sharp with her. I scream at her and lose my cool. It gets to be a bit to much. I have been taking care of her for the past five years. I don't know how I am doing it.. She takes a lot of medicine, so I am constantly making sure that all her meds are all in order. I help with her bath, meals so on and so on.. I love my mom but I am losing myself.. God the space is not big enough for all my feelings. Is their a group I could vent with..HELP

My mother is approaching 103. She is not demented, but has had a stroke and most often cannot remember anyone's name. She frequently calls me Momma when she's stressed or wakes up at night. She sees her deceased family members at night and often thinks that someone is sleeping in her bed. In addition tothat she has night terrors. These have been almost every night since she took a flouraquinoline antibiotic 3 weeks ago.
I run 3 businesses from home and they are struggling due to the economy and my absence. Lately I get less than 6 hours nightly sleep due to the night terrors. I work 1 day a week doing psychic readings at my center for my own financial support. I am a 67 year old only child whose children are not very involved at all. The day that I work my grand-daughter-in law comes in for 4 hours. My mother awakens mid afternoon after a nap on the couch and thinks that everybody has been out all night long and its morning - there's much more. Fortunately after her last 3 hospitalizations, the kidney infection has cleared and she's mostly in her right mind, but I'm going crazy. I am married, but my husband is working at the businesses and helping his son remodel a house. I'm feeling very alone in this one. Fortunately Mother is lucid and on in the mornings and early afternoons. She is my companion as I am hers.

Loonie, you are most certainly not wrong to give notice and move. The rehab had to dismiss MIL because she is non-compliant and it a waste of time to keep trying PT. She is non-compliant with your assistance and you should resign from the responsibility. It is a waste of your resources to do otherwise.

My husband and I came out to Kansas from CA to take care of his 91 year Mom. At first she stated it was our house too. We left everything in storage costing us $450 per month. His sister that lives around the corner refused stating the mother and her would drive each other crazy. I really never gave that much thought. I have rearranged, cleaned out closets, hired people to move furniture from the basement (where she prefers to be) since she broke her hip in January. She had one hip replaced. She refuses to use the walker, physical therapy had to dismiss her as a patient as she refused to use the walker or any aids, refuses the doctors recommendations because "she knows her body best". She says she can hold on to furniture or whatever to get around. She and her daughter calls me the maid and cook. Now they say I am not trustworthy, sneaky and sway my husband. We pay for the groceries, paid for a bathroom remodel because of the condition of the house, bought some aids to help her get around and a few pieces of furniture. The sister who has full power of attorney says no more painting and no new flooring (which is falling apart and rippling). The sister says when her mother dies and the house is sold, she will offer a flooring allowance. Her home is beautiful, but find it OK for us to live this way. She is a psych nurse and works one day a week. She has never worked the floor and is extremely unaware of current strategies or even certain diseases. I keep track of blood pressre and pulse. She feels a resting heart beat of 98 is acceptable because it goes up as you get older. What? She herself is diabetic insisting that is why she is fat. I have yet to see her. Take her sugar levels and always has seconds at meals, along with dessert! Why is she fat She insists her mother can do anything she wants including getting into a bathtub shower and going downstairs as she pleases. I feel it is a suicide mission. Am I wrong for giving them notice that we are leaving (due to being non-compliant and now saying she wants everything out of her house that we bought, saying my husbands brain is fried because he snuck drinks as a teenager, he lies and she is no longer his son also because he steals from her. We have spent over $20K in costs. I also lost my car to an accident coming out here (not my fault, but totaled my car) I lost a total of $6K on my car. We had great medical insurance in CA and our prescriptions were about $100 per month. It is now costing about $600 because of our change in insurance. Please help! Are we wrong to move?????

I'm new to this site also and am caring for my 77 year old husband who probably should be in a nursing home. I am also doing it alone. His children won't help and mine do not live near us. I do in home dialysis for 14 hours a day. (12 hours every night & one manual treatment mid-day). He has multiple other health issues and doesn't want me out of the room with him. I am 65 and have been in and out of hospitals with him since 2005. Dialysis for last 2+ years. I have a strong faith in God and am an avid student of His Word. That has kept me same! This last week was extreme demanding. I felt like I could not go on. So I went to God and dedicated 3 days of fasting & prayer. I don't recommend this for someone who isn't used to it! But it was time for me to spend every second I could alone with God ~ it's been like a spiritual "honeymoon" :) After reading all the comments today, I want each of you to know that I am including you in this time of dedication to the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans for good, to give you hope and a future. I'm praying for each of you to have a new supernatural refreshing from the Lord. There is another promise in the Word of God I have found comfort in. It's also been part of my prayer: Corinthians 10:13 The temptations/trials in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation/trial to be more than you can stand. HE will show you a way out so that you can endure. New Living Testament

Call Medicaid and ask if they cover adult daycares in your area and surrounding area. At adult daycares, they do have nurses and other health care professionals to give medicines and injections. I take my grandpa who has dementia to adult daycare. His medicaid pays for all his daycare expenses. I bring his medicine with him and they give it during his lunch.

One of friend also have the same issue, but he find a place Luvida Memory Care where he admits her mother. They provide respite care services and nurses are available 24 hours and 7 days a week.

This is not really a question....I guess I just need to vent a bit. My mother is 89 with demintia. My Dad and I are her primary caregivers. He`s 89 also, and i`m a man of 58. I live 2 hours away from my parents, but make the drive down every month and stay 2 weeks at a time just to give dad a rest. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. What bothers me most is that I have a younger sister that lives 10 mins away from them that cant really be bothered because her life is already "too busy." Starting this week...I will be staying with mom and dad for 3 weeks out of the month and it may go permanent in the near future. The real comfort I take is the fact that I have a very supportive wife. She tells me that this is what I need to do and that she is proud of me for it. She tells me that for now, she dont mind a long distance marriage, and that she will still come and spend weekends with me at moms house. I`ve felt very overwhelmed at times and was put on anti-anxiety meds. I really have no regrets....Mom was a wonderful mother to me all of my life and now it`s time to give back to her...I just wish that my sister would get a bit more involved instead of telling me that she has yard work to do!!!! Thank you all for reading my "Vent."

My mother is the same, she doesn't want to leave the house. I approached her that it was doctor's order. I told her that doctor said it was very important to have social skills and make friends for a healthy mind. Besides the medication, was her social activities. It was part of the treatment. I learned the hard way not to let her know we are leaving for the daycare, she will never agree to go. Is like a child, as soon as she join the group, she has a great time. Of course with me is a different story. Those facilities are expensive, but you may apply with seniors associations or medicaid. Your mother need it, but you more than her. If I don't have this break, I would be in a mental institution.
Wish you luck with your search, please keep us posted. May the good Lord bless you!!!

Nancy59: I just spoke to my therapist today about this very issue of daycare. Did you have difficulty in getting your Mom to go? My Mom has moderate dementia and we are just getting started with medication to control some outburst issues. I honestly think my Mom would have a good time in a day care where she could be busy or visit with some friends. She however does not leave the house, she never goes anywhere unless it is to the doctor's office or the cemetery to put flowers on her family's graves. Does anyone have advice on how I can approach or get my Mom to agree to go? I don't want to drag her out of the house every day but I really need a break and would like to even get a part time job just to do something different for a while. Are these facilities quite expensive?

Daycare has been a blessing for my Alzheimers mom. I only have 3 days approved for 5 hours. Also a lady comes on Sunday for 3 hours. We uses these hours for our church service. I'm so grateful to those associations like Senior Friendship and Senior Choice. They are a wonderful help. May the Lord bless them for their good hearts. There are lots of help for caregivers and loves one.

embrace " crazy " its ok in diverse circumstances. eventually you will feel empathy for those who cant stake the same claim. losers !!

Hi,
I have been living at my Moms house with my husband I take care of my mom she has Dementia for 4 years now. I go crazy sometimes too. She doesn't sit down some days . She tries to help with things but, she doesn't know what she is doing. I have to rewash dishes. can't get her to bath. I feel like my life is at a stand still too. I am 50 my children live in my house with out me.They are all adults 20's. I understand the feeling you are having I have cried too. What helps me is watching comic shows and laughing. good luck and please hang in there Linda

First, get rid of the reverse mortgage if you can. That is the biggest scam for seniors as far as I am concerned. I dumped my mom's house while she still had a bit of equity. I also have a sister that won't help me at all, not financially or physically, I am expected to do it all plus work full time. Hang in there, at least you were able to get your mom on Medicaid. I wish I could, but they say she doesn't qualify. I am constantly worried about what will happen when she is no longer mobile.

My mother is 86 and has dementia. I feel the same as you although I am only 53. Also have a husband 70 which had a brain injury 23 years ago. I work from Mon to Sat and have a carer for my mother during the day but do not look forward to weekends. Glad to be at work on Mondays again. Also feels guilty but sometimes it just too much. Hugs

It is not easy to see a love one that was smart and active become with Denentia. He took care of his family for years. Now it is our turn to take care of him with our love and kindness. No one said it would be easy. I let him sleep if that is what he wants to do. and it gives me a brake. i agree GOD is always with us to help us get through things. I will be losed when he is gone. He is my husband

I am so sorry for your story. Like you, I have my mother at my house. I still work and the stress of all of it is about to do me in. I finally came to the reality that at this rate she will out live me. I finally made the decision to move her somewhere else. Fortunately I have other siblings that want to help. She however, does not want to go anywhere but my house. It is horrible. Is still in the Moderate stages and has good days. The problem is now everything is a fight because she doesn't want to go. the guilt is overwhelming but its what is best for both of us. she is not safe alone and I can't do 24/7 care for her. I know that your mother would say to you if she could, take care of yourself too. I promised my mother a long time ago I would never put her in a nursing home. The reality now is that she just may end up there.

I have Hospice come in Mondays and Thursdays - no they are not JUST for the dying - they give my 95 yr old mother-in-law baths, check her vitals, sometimes change her sheets and take care of nail grooming issues. They are priceless!!! I find that just having them over and talking with them, you find you actually have adult conversations with them and sometimes those conversations are on "normal" things! They also send out a nurse twice a week to check on her and check her medications - SOME of the meds THEY provide and there is NO cost to us. They deliver the meds to your house, too, the same day or the next day! I can't tell you enough how wonderful this program is!

While they do the bath thing, I may sit and read some or just lay down and shut my eyes! Or I may go outside and weed which is very therapeutic for me!

If you live in a house and can afford to get a bird feeder that holds bricks of seeds, that is a lovely way for you both to sit and possible talk about the lovely birds. Those birds can be quite entertaining!

Anyway, if I think of anything else, I will write. God bless you and yours!

I have a couple of siblings but I am the only care giver. I understand what you mean about going crazy and you really do need to find someone to give her those injections just so you can get out into "real life" again even if it is for a couple hours. I go to see a therapist which helps greatly and my daughter and I try to leave the house on the weekend to go to a movie or lunch or swap meet, really anything that gets us out of the house. During those times my older sister is in charge of Mom.

Sometimes when it gets to be too much I retreat to my bedroom or watch a movie but that is still not a real substitute for leaving the house. Perhaps you could find a therapist that makes house calls. There are free ones through the City of Los Angeles and I am sure other cities as well. Having someone to speak to and vent, is priceless!

I totally agree and understand. I am taking care of my mother-in-law who is going to be 96 of July 4th. To help myself, I started taking Lumiday = natural mood stabilizer. AND IT REALLY HELPS ME! Also, I am going to decorate for her birthday. Maybe a special decoration in your place can lift you, too! I have purchased monitors that I have placed in different rooms so that I can hear her every move. It took me a while, but I finally am able to tell when she truly needs me or not. I do Pray a lot and get peace through knowing it is "my turn." God bless you during this trial you have and know there are others out there who understand.

I am in the same boat. The sole caregiver for my Momma. She is 92, with high blood pressure, curvature of the spind from arthritus, her bones hurt bad sometimes. She is unable to walk since February 2nd her birthday. She is very weak. She has a good mind and is a blessing to me. We take one day at a time. I took a leave of absence to be with her. I am an only child and 66 yrs old. We can do this, GOD will work it out.

I have a similar situation. My Mom is a brittle diabetic and has dementia. My Dad passed away 4 years ago, and Mom couldn't live alone due to the diabetes so we moved her in with my husband and me. Then she developed dementia. I lost my job so I am able to stay home with Mom. Luckily she can check her sugar and does her own insulin injections, but she would not do them if I didn't get everything ready for her to take (as well as prescriptions). I was able to get respite help of 5 hours per week through our county's Office on Aging. The aide helps Mom with showering, etc., and I am able to go to the grocery, etc., during this time which is a help. My husband and I were finally able to get away for 2.5 days a couple months ago but we need more time away! We hadn't done anything like that in 3 or 4 years. A good book to read about dealing with situations if "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace--you may find some good tips in there! Best of luck to you!

Thanks Chloe for your kind words. You are still a young chicken yourself! My Mom also has congestive heart failure. I have a laptop on my nightstand with the volume on so I will not only see her in her bedroom, but hear her if she gets up. I do not know about the rest of you, but I always have some anxiety upon waking up whether it is in the middle of the night or in the early morn, that I am going to find my Mom had passed on during the night. There have been a couple of times that I have awoken to see her in the same position she had been in 5 hours prior and then of course I am seeing myself like Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment wanting to go in and pinch her to see if she is alive or not just so I know if I can go back to sleep or not. So I zoom in with the cameras to "check" her breathing cause Lord knows, I do NOT want to wake her up before I have to! (smile) I do cut her back on fluids after 5 pm and it seems to have helped on her frequency of pee trips during the night. As I said, I feel like I am reliving the toddler years with my kids all over again. There are some really fun and cute moments with her. She seems to LOVE Marie Osmond on those Nutrisystem commercials. Heck, she gets off of the chair or couch and runs up to the TV to try and shake her hand. People are real to her now while watching. The other day Dances with Wolves was on, and she walked up to the TV and tapped Kevin Costner on the shoulder saying"Excuse me" but immediately followed with "Oh, I am sorry, you're in a conversation" due to him speaking to "Stands with a Fist" LOL. Then of course the wolf scene she was oohing and aahing trying to pet it. So sweet. I love those moments with her.

My best wishes are with you. You are so young to be going through this point in your life, too. I am 57 and Mom is 94 and right now as far as I can tell it is dementia and sundowning and "sunupping". My Mom has me so confused and the doctors confused as well. Just every "whipstitch" we are going into the ER for "recharges" and bouts with pneumonia. We all absolutely think that she will not make it out and so does her doctor, the POW she gets another burst! Her mobility is limited so I really don't have to keep an eye on her constantly, thank goodness! I know what you mean about "wonderful, caring husbands". Mine is always "MIL sitting" so I can have a little breather. I can't be gone for any length of time and I do my grocery shopping at night when I tuck her in, but I want some "US" time. That we do not have anymore. It is to the point now, that we can't go anywhere together. Mom is to the point that she can't tell if her Depends is wet or not, so now I make bathroom trips with her and the wiping part has now fell on me after the bowel movements. And, making her wash her hands and use hand sanitizer, also. She takes 2 fluid pills and I have to make sure they get in her before noon or we pee, it seems like a hundred times, of an evening. She goes to bed early, usually, and she gets up every 15 to 30 minutes to pee. Her sleep pattern is messed up from her hospital stay, so I think she just lays awake and thinks she has to pee, but at least it isn't in the bed! I am NOT allowed out of her sight and now, when I tell her what I am doing or going to take a bath or going outside, she can't remember for any length of time or she will come on the hunt of me, if she is able. I needed to hit the hug button for you, but didn't realize that I hadn't until I had already typed all of this. But, you do need lots and lots of hugs for all you do. You are a good daughter! This place is great to vent, because everyone cares! My best to you!

Hello all. 53 yrs old here taking care of my mother who is 77 and is rapidly declining with A.D. We brought her to live with us this past October and was not prepared mentally, emotionally, physically for her rapid decline. For the first month she was somewhat okay and then whammo! Within 4 weeks we bought security locks for doors and windows, cameras, faucet guards (due to her turning water on then leaving) portapotty for her bedroom, etc. She is not at the point of wearing Depends yet, but she now is forgetting to wipe after having a bowel movement. My husband and I have a manufacturing company and I handle customer service calls from our home. Having the cameras set up in the house where I can monitor via my computer has been a Godsend. I thought I was going to lose my mind right along with my Mom the first couple of months. Yet, even with all of things we bought/installed, etc., it is still stressful. (but much better than it was!) My mom is at the point where she can't do simple 25 piece puzzles. 98% of the time she doesn't even know who I am. I found she loves classical music playing, old movies, and certain game shows. Even though there are days it is a pain in the doopah I make sure she doesn't nap. At night she gets Ativan and she sleeps soundly. During the day she has what I call "sun-upping" and will pace, repeatedly going into drawers, etc. I have said to my husband that it reminds me of when our kids were going through the terrible twos and having to get into everything. I have brothers who do not care about her so there is no help from them I have a wonderful husband (thank God!) who will give me help and needed breaks. I have much compassion for those of you here who do not have the help because of the stress this causes even when there is relief.

Im the primary caregiver for my mom also. Until recently I was trying to do everything without much help but her dementia is getting more severe and had to make these choices even though she fought me the whole way. I have cared for my mom for so long either financially or medically that she depends on me the most which is normal I have found out. Was able to get help from state to get adult daycare and some homecare. This basically covers when I'm working. I work a very stressful job with inconsistent hours I have even thought of quitting to just take care of her. I try to get away when I can just even if its for an hour and do some shopping, go to casino or take a walk on river....hang in there!!!