I have been caring for wife for last 4 years and the only things that matter now are her and her family. Where do I turn when my family doesn't matter at all?

After broken shoulder, gall bladder surgery, fibromyalgia, bad knees and arthritis of spine andlgl leukemia. She is bedridden for nearly a year now, can't even sit up without assitance let alone use commode by bed, so diaper changes all time. Have nurse once a week and therapy 3 times week, after 45 days in nursing home which showed no improvement. I have become very resentful of taking care of her with no help from anyone, Nurse and therapy will stop coming soon and I will be totally alone again. I fly off in a tirade at the slightest things. Have not been physically violent yet but i can see it coming. She is as good as she will ever be in my eyes, and I am getting worse with each passing day. I cannot take this anymore, I want a life. she is 72 I am 62 and still working so needless to say I am always exhausted physically and mentall, which she does not understand. I don't think I will be able to contain myself much longer. What do I do, where do I turn? With all her physical ailments, she can't even get sit up in bed by herself. Now I have to give her meds to her one pill at a time andmake sure she takes them as she is unable to do it on her own. And she takes only one at a time and takes quite a while with each pill which agravates me to no end, i don't have time for this, especially in mornings when I have to get ready for work. I am at wits end and need relief one way or another. She is also a hoarder, which has been a brutal battle for years, she has stolen my life from me living in a warehouse not a home, and I am very
hateful about it all. I have no life, no one even been in our house for 20 years except her family. I have managed to clean the kitchen out, which has become my safe haven but as soon as i go there, she starts hollering for me, which i ignore alot. Is only a matter of time before I dont know what is going to happen. But I know it is coming. Im 62 I have a chance for some type of life yet. I have no friends to call on, because of her hoarding and her family is all that matters to her, mine are, according to her, nothing at all. Where do i turn, what do i do, how can i control me and not end up ------------?

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Please call social services and tell them you are at the end of your rope. You need help before you do something you'll regret the rest of your life. Your wife is at risk and so are you. Call someone. If you can't make yourself call social services, call a church or a social service agency of some type. There should be a non-profit in your community. You are going to break and you know it. You can't risk this any longer. It's not a moral issue, it's a safety issue. Even if you don't go to church, a pastor, priest or Rabbi will know what to do to get you help.
This is vital so please call now.
Carol
Wow! Definitely time to call in some reinforcements. You are right. You can't keep this up. The situation is not "fair" to either of you -- illness does not honor "fair."

It sounds like there were some issues here going back decades. The hording which made it impossible for you to entertain friends as you would have liked, and some kind of a disconnect from your family in favor of her family. Somehow you stuck it out together without resolving these issues, but now the additional nightmare of your wife's disabilities has put you at the edge. As everyone has said, get help. I'd start with social services. Or ask to talk to the social worker at the rehab facility. Or contact a religous organization. Pick a place to start and then get the ball rolling. Do some online research tomorrow and start Monday making contacts. Take time off work to do it if you have to. This is critical.

You do indeed have a chance for a good life yet. As you reclaimed the kitchen you can gradually reclaim the rest of the "warehouse" and return it to a home you can be proud to relax in and entertain guests. You can start to reconnect with your own family. This can't happen overnight and it will take a lot of effort. You can't work full time, take care of your wife full time, and reclaim your environment and your family ties all at once. Get help taking care of your wife. This is not optional.

Were you able to cope better while your wife was in rehab for 6 weeks? Since she is bedridden and needs total care (what happens when you ar at work?) would placement in a facility be the best option? If you were relieved of the maintenance chores of giving her her pills, diapering her, bathing her, feeding her, you might actually have some energy to reestablish a more loving relationship with her.

If not in a care facility, then in your own home get help to provide her needs. Get a hospital bed that she can sit up in. Get advice from the therapist that comes now about what you could do to make care more convenient in your own home. Then follow up on that advice.

You deserve a chance at a better life. I have a feeling that things are not going to get better on their own. And it sounds like you are afraid they are going to get worse. Please, please take some steps to get practical help immediately.

And let us know what you are doing and how it is working.
Naheaton, this writer knows it's nit good to want to lash out; that's why She or he wrote for help. It is a sign that things have gone on too long. So, instead of lecturing maybe offer suggestions one can put into action,

Jackienickname, going to a religious counselor, whether you believe that faith or not, is a quick and low-threshold way to get help. They will know of resources in the community to help. Does your wife's family have any capacity to help? Tell someone how close you are to meltdown. For everryone's sake, sending good vibes.
I am sorry you are going throught this. You might try to see if there is a Jewish Family Services in your area. You do not have to be Jewish to use their services. They provide a lot of assistance for seniors or they can refer you to someone that can help. Reconnect with your family if possible, you need a support network.
Does she qualify for hospice? Where I live there is one that offers respite and some home care even inpatient/residential care that can become longer term if appropriate, and costs less than skilled nursing. (You mentioned leukemia.) DO get help. You are cracking under the strain and it is making it hard for you to see any value in what you are doing. It may be very true she can't help herself, or maybe she could have helped herself earlier if she'd seen what was coming, but you are both stuck with a very difficult, needy situation now. You may not be a hateful person at all, just stressed beyond your breaking point. I can just feel you hating your situation and hating your life and your wife and your self for hating it and spiraling downhill from there. The other concern I have if I am reading it right is that she is alone and helpless while you go to work, and that can't be a good thing. Or is she cognitively OK and can call for help so is safe to be alone?
J:

3 suggestions: (1) drop by Social Services and explain your wife needs a level of care you can't provide alone; (2) contact her family for assistance; and (3) once you've set some kind of support system reach out to your own relatives for emotional support.

Now about the marriage vows I hear so much about in this forum. My wife and I supported each other in every way. When she walked out for 1 1/2 years over her inability to be a "normal" parent, I kept the boys and the door open. Instead of having fun like every young adult, we got married and had kids. So I could understand her desire to catch up with whatever she missed out on. To make a long story short, she passed away 1 year after we reconciled. ... All in all those 9 years of marriage, however, were the best of my life. I have no doubt our paths will merge again.

You don't sound like the quitter type, so don't even think of throwing in the towel. There are options you won't be able to exercise until you communicate your needs. Asking for help doesn't make you any less of man.
What courage it took for you to ask for help and to be brutally honest about how you are feeling... you have been given some great suggestions... please follow thru and get yourself some help.... remember.... it took courage and honesty for you to share what is going on... others in your community will help also.... prayers for you and your wife... please let us know how things are for you... come back and vent to us before you say or do anything that you will regret... we are here for you, we may not be able to help you physically, but we are here to listen.....
Which part of your vows are you saying you're tired of? The part about 'worse' the part about 'poorer' the part about 'sickness and health'? Seems to me that if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd have NO problem with her taking care of you right? I know you're getting burned out, and you need some outside help, but to lash out at her for being ill is pretty bad. This is part of life, it stinks sometimes no doubt, but that's the way of it. Quit blaming your wife and making her out to be the bad guy. Start being logical in what you need by way of help, and hire someone to give you a break. You either rise to the occasion during this terrible thing that's happened to a woman who didn't ask for it, or you wallow in self pity and blame her. Your choice.
Well said Jeanne. ... Well said.

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