Who is caring for the caregiver?

Ferris, your reply is anything but professional or helpful. It sounds like you have some significant anger issues that need to be worked on someplace else, not spewed out at others in this forum.

Who is caring for the caregiver? I thnik that was an incredible question that goes beyond the issues of declining sex lives (however valid that might be). But, who is caring for the caregivers? Who supports the caregiver? Who is there to really listen without some one-up-man type response? Who is making the caregiver feel appreciated, understood, supported? Who is rubbing the caregiver's back? Who suprises the caregiver with a kind or loving gesture to brighten their day? Or,, how about the may caregivers that have ended up with no intimate relationships as a result of existing in the other world of full-time caregiving? There are many paths to intimacy!

It is Christmas Eve! I would like to send all my fellow caregivers a huge hug and thanks for being a caregiver that gives and understands. Wish we could all have our own party! :) Merry Christmas and know someone is thinking of you and appreciating you! Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men and Women! :)

Oldmarriedman, I for one, can understand the frustration of your situation, thankfully and I hope, that your situation is short term, as your wife is expected to recover. Is there more going on, other than the lack of sex, that leads you to such despair as to the need of a therapist? You mentioned losing your Mom, your confidant, who was always there to lend an ear? I too have lost My Mom, my confidant, and I miss her deeply.

My own lack of intimacy goes deeper than a quick surgical fix (not that back issues aren't serious), as my FIL moved in 13 years ago, when my husband and I were in our 40's, and still had an active sex life. Well, throw that out the window, as just having him in our home added enough stress, to cause a definite decrease in interest, and the ever present wondering if he could "hear us", a certain amount of performance anxiety on my husband's part, so you see, many of us miss, that level of intimacy in many different ways, it is still important, but we have to find ways to work around it!

Being long term cargivers, we learned to give up a Lot, friends, help from family members, who you expected different from, alone time, travel, job security, financial loss, and our independence, and this may even have happened to you at some point, or even may still, and you haven't quite gotten to that point yet, but being as your wife will recover, my suggestions to you are, to be patient, be her knight in shining armour, as one poster put it, she won't forget it, and will reward you for it. Back rubs, cuddling, just holding hands and a loving gesture won't go unnoticed, and can be reciprocated, even while she is recovering. Be thankful that she will hopefully one day be back to her own self, and cater to her every need in the meantime. Being a good caregiver is something we all sign on for when we do marry, "in sickness and in health", and all that. There may be a day when you are the patient in need of her good services, and there is no time like the present, to practice putting your own needs last, behind that of the one you are caring for.

I do agree with you, sex is important and I miss that level of intimacy that my husband and I took for granted, and can now only get in snippets, when we think the Old Man we care for is truly zonked out, lol! I only hope that when the time comes that he is no longer with us, that our get up and go, hasn't got up and left, and there is still a mutual interest! Stay tuned, as it is still to be determined, as the old coot could live to be 100! That's life, You've got to work around these things!

As for the aggressive comments, take no notice, as people can only respond to that information they are given. If there's more to the story, you gotta share to get the best advice, and the good thing here is that it's all anonymous! 😉

I just never worry about having my compassion exploited.

I think sometimes questions like this can incite people and provoke strong responses, including mine. And I will confess that since you are a new poster, I suspected you were just playing games and trying to provoke us. I honestly thought that.

I stand corrected; although I don't know more about your situation and don't need to, the fact that your wife has been suffering with back pain explains a lot, as well as your comments about sharing your thoughts with the women in your life.

That's a courageous omission. Many men would be loathe to admit first of all that they discuss their feelings with women, and secondly that they have the concern you have about a healthy sexual relationship.

In retrospect, I think that the tenor of the times and your wife's back problems were factors in the tone that was conveyed in this and your other thread. That's all we know; that's all the information on which we could base responses.

And those kinds of posts frequently appear, sucking in posters who are trying to help w/o realizing that the thread was started to draw us into a quagmire. Some people are very immature and exploit the compassion that most posters here have.

I do think that becoming a regular here, posting more often, would help coping skills (which we all need!), as well as be an example of sharing the courage that you did in addressing our criticism.

Yes, I've gotten a lot out of ALL the comments, as bitter sweet as they may be. And I'm sorry to cause so much drama. I meant no harm to anyone. I've been given a lot to think about and much to do. Thanks for sharing your opinions and advice. Much appreciated!

To the posters who criticized those who responded with answers that didn't meet your expectations, and who you thought were being excessively critical, may I suggest that you share the compassion you have with other male posters here, starting with Tgengine? He's battling a long term, chronic situation with his family. It's a complex and challenging situation. If you can offer positive advice from other males (and I assume you are males), why not offer him some support?

There are in addition other male posters who've created threads which were well supported by the same posters who made comments on this thread, comments which you excoriate, along with the posters.

Your judgmental attitude suggests to me that you haven't read enough of the variety of threads here to draw that conclusion logically. Perhaps you should. Look up Dmanbro's threads. Read them - ALL of them.

You're guilty of making the same judgmental conclusions of which you accuse many of us.

As Churchmouse so wisely put it, "Living with someone who has lost the capacity for intimacy, for one reason or another, can feel very lonely indeed." Not enough sex, in the context of caregiving the person you want to be intimate with, is not trivial indeed!

I went through many losses as my husband's health deteriorated. One was his inability to drive. He LOVED driving! I loved cooking and baking. I would bake cakes for my grandchildren and he would drive all over delivering them. I made full means for a family dealing with cancer, he'd deliver them. We were both happy. When he couldn't drive it was a big blow to both of us.

Loss of our sex life was another huge blow to both of us. I tried to maintain some intimacy in other ways, but it is incredibly hard to have an equal partner turn into a dependent. Nobody was going to send me a sympathy card over this, but close friends did commiserate. And no one called my concerns trivial.

Most people on this forum are caring for a parent. The loss of a sex life is simply not something they can relate to. Another barrier here is that most of us are permanent caregivers. I cared for my husband for ten years, until he died. Nothing was ever going to get better -- there would be more and more losses.

The fact that your situation is temporary is very different. Apparently your wife will recover. You will have a chance to repair the damage to your intimacy. I am so glad. I'm glad you are in therapy now and aren't sitting around seething in resentment. Perhaps when your wife is fully recovered some couples' therapy will also be helpful.

OMM, I do empathize with both of your issues. Been there, mourned that. But frustration with a therapist and temporary loss of intimacy are not really issues about caregiving. I am not sure this is an ideal forum for you, but that is for you to judge. If it is helpful, hang in here. If not, do search out another outlet. There are lots of online support groups to consider.

Keep up the good work with therapy, and I wish you the best in improving your marriage long-term.

Don't forget, this is a forum and everyone is welcomed to give advice. There are times when someone writes a new "ask a question" that will hit a nerve especially if some of us had been through that similar situation. And there are many times when the original writer doesn't give us all the information which leaves us in the dark. Some of us will use tough love which can help [it did for me when I first came on the forums], and some will sugar coat because that works best for them.

Also one needs to realize prescription medication can have a variety of side effects, such as having no interest in being intimate with their partner, and being exhausted. Nothing is going to change that. Helping the partner out with household chores you become a knight in shining armor which will be remembered for a long time, especially after the medical situation has been cleared.

OldMarariedMan, sounds like you had found the perfect therapist. Sometime we have to test drive a few therapists before finding a good match. I did too, someone who was of my age group who had taken care of her elderly Mom, thus someone who could honestly say "I know how you feel". All of my friends had disappeared once I started to help my very aging parents years ago, I never had time even for a phone call or time to spend an afternoon with them. Caregiving throws you into a whole different world.

Well, no, they can't know your story. Especially not if you don't share it, of course.

I think earlier posters have got a bit distracted by your one-liner about needing your therapist to talk about 'not enough sex.' Since you described how you missed your mother because she always knew what to say to make you feel better, I concluded that this was a ho-ho one-liner intended to lighten the mood, and not a serious summary of what your crisis was about. Well, that'll teach you...

Living with someone who has lost the capacity for intimacy, for one reason or another, can feel very lonely indeed. And I appreciate that you chaps are not traditionally good at talking about real feelings and real meanings. But I did observe, while my exSO was going through prostate cancer treatment, that if a man will make the first move and *talk* to his friends about what is really happening, he might be surprised at how willing they are to reciprocate.

So, for example: how many of your male friends aren't telling you what's really happening in their lives? Could you maybe start a constructive trend?

Wow!! Ferris does tend to get a bit testy occasionally, I agree but she means well... (kinda old school mean sometimes too.)but it's ok.
I am with ,ah, Two young for this, and her observations. This guy (?) is trolling perhaps.
Thanks for the laugh today.."$400 online( sex porn) therapist.." too funny

texriner1: Thanks for sharing your perspective. We all have our crosses to bear. Although mine may seem trivial to some, nobody can know the whole story and the untold trauma that lead up to the person I am today.

jeannegibbs: "How did that therapy session go, by the way?"

It went very well. I didn't get all the answers I need, but I definitely got an empathetic ear. My therapist is a consummate professional when it comes to empathy. It's uncanny how she can see into my soul. My action item is to build a support system so she is basically out of a job. Thanks for your empathetic response. When it comes right down to it, that is a key ingredient of the human bonding experience I've been missing. I rely too much on my wife for this and I have to learn how to develop friendships on my own.

OMM, I want to empathize with your distress at not getting to see your therapist when you wanted to. That can be really frustrating. You are reaching out for help and getting pushed back. Ouch!

It is not rational or fair to hold this against the therapist. It reflects the state of mental health care in our system. But you know what? When we are in pain and in need of therapy we are not always at our most rational! I can recall a phone conservation trying to get a refill for my antidepressant just bursting out in tears, unable to jump through the hoops of the "rules."

How did that therapy session go, by the way? And I congratulate you on recognizing your need for help. Keep up with your therapy session. You are doing the right thing.

My comment was meant to invoke some thought toward thinking of the wife and what she's going through as it sounded like she was having a tough time herself. A wise old saying is "it's not all about you" It's not all about any of us. I find getting sex to be pretty low on the priority list in the midst of a health crisis. That said, I do hope you find good therapy soon. It's never wrong to talk out your problems and feelings with a professional.

... weird.. this whole thing is now weird, the bashing, the strange sh*t thats being said, even by the posters... ...Then Im reading these comments further.. I see most dont even take the time to read previous comments, they just want o "Jump in with their 2 cents" ..and the rest just "steal comments" then they get the gratitude or the respect? .... I now think this site is a joke and can be thrown in the heap of trash sites. I'll send a little note to the makers of this site and be done with it. Its a shame to take a once valid outlet for care-givers and a "you're not alone" group site and turn it into a facebook bash group. Nice goin guys. Youre down one.

It sounds like this health situation your wife is in is on the mend and not something that requires years and years of CAREGIVING on your part. Surely you didn't expect a woman with severe back problems to be enthusiastic about sex did you? I have three bulging discs and constant sciatica. It is a struggle to even stand at the sink to wash up the dinner dishes yet I had no choice but to be a caregiver to 3 loved ones simultaneously and over the course of ten long years. Is the lack of sex from your wife with back problems the only thing that made you feel like you were going to "blow a gasket"? If so, please read some of the other questions on this forum relative to caregivers who have been forced to give up there careers to take care of aging parents with dementia or Alzheimer's, or couples who are on the verge of divorce because one spouse must live in another state to take care of an aging parent while the other stays at home base to handle their kids, finances, household etc. Or grown children who are having to take care of aging parents who abused them their whole lives. Heartbreaking stories. It might make you feel like your temporary situation is something you CAN tough out.
But my previous comment still stands. Like my parents ALWAYS said "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!!!"
Only you can answer whether or not your "crisis" was more involved than just a temporary frustration over not getting enough sex from your wife because she was suffering from a severe back problem. Back pain is excruciating, exhausting, unbearable at times and very stressful. Have you thought about trying to "walk a day in her shoes." If you do and if you have true empathy for what she is going through I am pretty sure your future chances of wonderful intimacy will be something she will be looking forward to as well. If not you could find yourself getting "a cold shoulder" when she is healthier and I don't think that is what you want. I hope she is better very shortly and that you are as well.

Thank texriner1, NAMI is new to me. I just reached out to them. And thanks to all for your responses. The "tough love" responses, although somewhat painful to read are appreciated too. I treat any and all feedback as a gift. I may not agree with the responses but just hearing others perspectives is a blessing to me. It makes me feel like part of the human experience which is why I reached out for support in the first place. Thank you!

My wife has a herniated disk in her cervical spine. She had surgery on Tuesday and it was successful. She is expected to fully recover with loss of 5% mobility in her neck. No I'm not playing around. This is serious stuff of me. That's why I came to a support group, to get help through some challenging times.

I received similar hateful, negative, and not very supportive replies to the one and only question I ever posted on this site. Responders totally misconstrued my post and made judgemental comments about me that they could not have formulated by information in the question. It was so hurtful.
I would like to think there is more going on than just not getting enough sex.
Maybe it's not exactly the sex but the loss of intimacy in general that does not just mean the sex act.
I agree with you about being put off by mental health professionals when you are in crisis - no matter what the crisis is. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for four years when I was in a serious crisis and needed him to hear me and talk me out of a suicide attempt. I called his office for 5 weeks only to get a message saying "This mailbox is full!" Finally I just drove to his office, saw his car in the parking lot, got out in my pajamas and went in. When he came out he acted so casual. I told him I had been trying to reach him for weeks. He said his assistant had had surgery and he hadn't bothered to even find someone to monitor his voicemails. Clearly he has no business caring for patients who have mental illnesses, severe depression and/or anxiety or other similar situations. A mental crisis requires immediate attention not a waiting period of several days or weeks. When you start a psychiatric practice you are signing onto crisis management DAILY. If you can't provide that then become a urologist or a podiatrist.
How can anyone compare psychiatric care with PORNOGRAPHY. Where did
that notion come from?
Some of the nastiest responses you received came from frequent posters like Ferris. Some of you have more serious issues than Oldmarriedman because you are just plain hateful, bitter, have zero empathy and are just looking for a way to vent your negativity towards someone else. I would hate to think how you acted as a caregiver to someone. Heaven help them!!!! Re-read your responses several times before you hit submit and question whether your posts include any level of support. If you need more info about the person's situation before responding - ask for it. So for those of you who jumped to erroneous conclusions without enough information do as someone suggested "Put on your big girl/boy pants" and find a way to "deal with" whatever YOU are so angry and bitter about before lashing out at another who needs a kind word or support. Good luck and God bless you Oldmarriedman. Maybe talking to someone for just a little while on the phone at NAMI could result in some encouragement. You won't find much help on this site I'm afraid.

..Correction; please replace "Therapist with my incorrect "psychiatrist)

... and shame on the rest of you commenting to this person who are belittling him, scolding him, chastising and insulting! Last I checked this is not a chicken and hen cackling session site. This is also not a site for yea of female persuasions to gang up on men and start telling them what they need to do and how to be a man... for christ sake what is going on here. I am instantly loosing any interest in this site, a site i have come across not long ago when I myself was feeling there was no where to turn... as this person has done tonight. Sir; If you have stayed past the insults, might I gently suggest that you take a serious tone with this "psychiatrist" and ask them a few questions ie, #1. How much do I pay you. #2. Before I leave today I would like you to give me the days in which you are available so I can coordinate you're "available dates to fit my stress needs as to not interfere with your leisure time. #3. And lastly, b also before I leave, kindly give me a list of 3 of your most respected industry peers ...... so i can begin to interview them to become my next psychiatrist.
** Oldmarried man, please tell me a little about your wife... your life ...that is if you dont mind me asking. One more thing, all these "women on here heckling you, have a go-to (or 3 or 4) people they run-to for advice, i assure of that. (I mean look at what they are insulting you on...an advice site)

..First of all Ferris 1... you should at the least be ashamed of yourself. might I suggest you instantly stop commenting as "professional on this or any sites. And I will tell you why; A professional would never never speak to a person they have not met in the way you are. Perhaps this person writes to the insignificant of his issues, meaning perhaps there is something valid and wrong and he has not expressed himself for fear of what would follow .. Or perhaps he had written exactly as he is feeling.... but you dont know that do you. DO YOU! If my facial expression could attach to my typed words you would be backed into a corner with my eyes burning a hole through you whilst my tone of voice would be stern and warning at the same time. I would like to know, immediately of your credentials. I demand those immediately. You have on other topics given very dangerous advice. Tell me right now your credentials, and be very clear so that I (anyone) can easily validate said credentials.

I'm a bit dissapointed by the tenor and content of some of the responses to OldMarriedMan. Judge not lest you too be judged. There isn't enough in his post to make the assumptions about his life, history and mental status, or the effect his crisis has on him. Does everyone know his Family Of Origin Issues, or any of the many variables that cause us all to behave one way or the other at times? Ferris1 sites her training - and then her own whoes. I am surprised that a professional would submit such a scathing and presumptious response with little information, and then compare herself and her spouse as glowing examples. Folks, this is a site to provide support and useful help and not judge. You can ask questions but don't assume. You can speak for your own self, but not throw darts.

The issue of availability of mental health workers is valid (regardless of how other's perceive OldMarriedMan's problems. You don't walk in his shoes.) Some therapists are more empathic and remain available even giving their cell phone number (in non-suicidal matters), for others you an entry on the calendar until you walk in the door and then only for the 40 minutes you are in the seat. No different than the issues we experience in other healthcare fields. And, yes, for some cost is an issue. Further, there is nothing wrong with relating to one gender better than others on emotional matters. I have male friends who are very masculine and self differentiated that prefer to relate to women for advice because they feel they have a different and often deeper more introspective perspective, and women are nurturers (just their own comfort level). That OldMarriedMan could have decent relationships with women is a plus, not something to judge negatively.

I applaud and appreciate all the other contributions from participants who provided compassionate and useful alternatives on managing stress and the circumstances. If the judgmental 'dissing responses noted on this post were the order of the day, I wouldn't bother logging on to AgingCare.Com.

Sorry, this is a caregiver group not a sex therapy group. I agree with Ferris on this one. I think there r times people needs therapist. Mainly to give them tools to learn how to cope. Not a lifelong thing.

Glad you're not my husband. Feeling sympathy for your wife. Sorry if that's not sensitive enough.

Too Young - way to go! I think you "hit the nail on the head." Your analysis is spot on, assuming as I suspected and still suspect that this is just a manipulative thread to provoke responses.

EMA, the last sentence of his original posting, and one of his answers on page one. Plus another thread he started about sex.

Please show me where, exactly, the OP stated that he was "pissed because his wife withheld sex"...smh

So, you're "pissed at your therapist" because she wouldn't change her whole schedule around to see you about a "crisis" that was based on your wife not wanting/not being able to have sex with you? Seriously? How old are you? Put in your big boy pants & take care of it yourself----I'm quite sure you know how to do that.

Is the "online therapist service" that costs $400/month really live porn that you can watch on your computer? And you're whining because your insurance won't pay for it? You have got to be kidding. I simply cannot believe that you would talk to your mother about this and she "knew just what to say to make you feel better". Do you have any male friends? Usually men talk amongst each other about issues such as this. Get a grip, man. Perhaps there are legitimate online mental health therapy services that charge a monthly fee----I have never looked for one so I have no idea. I do know that there are online therapy services that charge by the session. The $400/month fee certainly makes me question what the "online service" is----the only thing I can come up with is unlimited porn videos.

You can also look for call girl services in your area in the yellow pages---but, insurance isn't going to pay for that either. You'll have to pay out of your own pocket. I can't even believe I am saying this stuff. But it's true----if you think your wife isn't giving you enough sex, and you are "blowing a gasket" over it, there are ways to remedy your problems. And, no----insurance isn't going to pay for it.

If you are "blowing a gasket" because your wife won't/can't have sex with you for whatever reason, your priorities are seriously messed up & that is what you should be seeing a therapist for. If you really are "taking care of your wife in your home" because she requires physical assistance or because she is suffering with mental issues like dementia, Alzheimer's, etc., expecting her to have sex with you is ridiculous and you really do need counseling, but for legitimate mental health issues and not because you aren't getting laid.