How do you take care of someone who is extremely belligerent, hates you and doesn't want to be near you, but can't live on their own?

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My mother-in-law had a stroke a few years ago. She was not able to live independently right away, so we moved her in with us and had to place my father-in-law in a nursing home. He passed away about 5 months later (which she blames on us). We have been taking care of her for the past few years, and we have reached our limit. She has always been an extremely manipulative person, and she will twist your words around to make you look like pond scum! She offered to take us out for dinner because we had been taking care of her, driving her to her appointments, going to the store for her, etc. The next day she told all of her family/friends (our family and friends too) that we were broke and couldn't afford to buy any food for ourselves, so she graciously offered to take us out to dinner, but now she couldn't pay for any of her medicines this month because of us! There are hundreds of these examples of her doing this. She hates me the most. She has told me I am the reason her son doesn't spend as much time with her as he should, I am a horrible mom and should have my kids taken away, etc., etc. We have tried to make her life as pleasant as possible, but she is such a hateful spiteful person, she doesn't want to be happy. She just wants to complain. She has told my kids "I know you don't love me, I'm just going to walk out the front door and never come back again" because we wouldn't drop everything and run to McDonald's for lunch. She has told my husband and me the same thing if we refuse to drop what we're doing and get her a glass of water. She is very demanding and wants to be treated like a princess and served breakfast, lunch and dinner on a silver platter. In her mind, that is the only way we are "taking care" of her is if we do that. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis and is overweight. The ONLY time she gets out of bed is to go to the bathroom a few times a day and to fix her meals. We stopped fixing her meals for her (she is VERY capable of doing it, just doesn't want to) so that she would be forced to get out of bed and do something. She is just a miserable person who doesn't want to change. If she has a headache, my husband will tell her to take some Advil. Five hours later she still has a headache, hasnt taken any Advil yet. The next day, same thing. She just wants to complain but not do anything to fix it.

My husband and I are at the end of our rope. We love his mom and feel guilty about not wanting her in our house any more, but she is not welcome in our home any more. She wants to live on her own, but then complains that nobody does anything for her. When we ask her how in the world she expects to get by on her own when she can't even do it here, she goes into the "I'll just crawl under a rock and nobody will miss me" thing and says she just wants to live by herself. Two minutes later she's made because nobody brought her lunch yet! I feel like I'm talking to a hamster running in a wheel!!

She doesn't have ANY money (just a little SS every month) and we really don't have too much extra, she doesn't really qualify for a nursing home or assisted living, we just can't have her here any more! I would love any suggestions you can give on how to deal with this.

Answers 1 to 10 of 30
Was your FIL a veteran? If yes, there is a substantial benefit available to assist with housing that might allow your MIL to live in an independent living community. Also, she may be eligible for Medicaid waiver, if she has no assets and her monthly income is less than $2000. Medicaid Waiver will pay part of room and board towards independent living as well. (If her income is greater than $2000 a month, there are still ways to deal with this.) Call your local Dept of Aging and see what benefits she is entitled to - you might be surprised to find that it is possible for her to live on her own.
Soverytired has already provided what I would suggest. But I would also add that you and your family need to get your lives back. I would also suggest you discuss the matter with the rest of her immediate family to see if they have any ideas or assistance. Wishing you and your family all the BEST!!

Based upon your story I would certainly think she would qualify for assisted living as she refuses to take care of herself.
She seems to be a very controlling personality before the illnesses. I don't think it is your responsibility to take care of her. There are so many avenues that you can take especially if she wants to be independent. My mother in law has been nasty to me for 29 years and If she gets sick she won't be the other woman in my house.
Amen ballnchain, know where you are coming from. The main problem you must address here is not where MIL will live but her narcisisstic personality. You must learn all you can about narcissistic people. She is playing you like a fiddle. You will not win with her. I would after learning about narcissism, start looking for some place else she can live. Do not delay one extra day.

All of the things you wrote about your MIL could have been written about my Mother. It has taken me a couple of years to come to grips with her "problem". You may want to get counceling to help you understand what you can and can not do with someone with this type of disorder. I do believe with all my heart your MIL is a narcissist. How else could she do this to the people she is supposed to love. Narcissist truly only love one person, themselves.

You do not deserve this punishment. Do something ASAP. Good luck and I know 100% what you are talking about with the lies and twisting things. It is all a ploy to gain attention for themselves. Good luck!
Top Answer
LAU:

2 words: emotional blackmail. That's all she's doing. Leaving her manageable medical conditions aside (which she doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for), this is the way I'd handle it:

Get packing boxes, not from Staples or Walmart, but the supermarket. (I wouldn't spend a dime on something like this -- she doesn't deserve it.) But them in her bedroom; she'll get the hint. Give her a timeline to make other living arrangements.

... Or, as my jolly neighbor down the hall says, you can put on you "reading" glasses. Read her from cover to cover and she'll never recover because it's about time she gets it through her head this kind of behavior isn't acceptable anymore and she learns some gratitude.

Your house, your rules. If she doesn't like it, she can move in with those concerned neighbors who think she's some kind of altruistic saint. Let them get a taste of what you're going through. I bet she won't last a week.









Sorry about the typos. I couldn't find my reading glasses.
it has so much information that really helped me. I know this is your MIL but it could apply to anyone dealing with a personality of this sort. There are many other sites that give you a more clinical descriptions but this one really describes my mom. It is just as if they used her as a model. Not eveything will apply but if your situation is like mine, it will blow your mind how much does. Don't let her use you anymore. Take care
MADGE:

You go girl! ... I'm going check out that website too.
Im going straight to the website after this as well. I've posted in this forum about trying to keep my mother happy now that we're all living unhappily together. The posts I have received have been so helpful, they have also reinforced what I knew that this wouldn't work. The biggest thing that has come to light is that you can't make her happy, I've realised that big time. I'm sitting in my quiet darkened room as I cope with an oncoming headache which I get most days. I've gone from being outgoing and loving the weekends to not wanting to come out of my bedroom because doom awaits me in the form of my mother. Its a beautiful day out and I should be walking the lovely tracks here, but instead I'm waiting for the sulking from her to finish, she is refusing to eat or drink right now, as a punishment for telling her to stop gossiping to my husband about me that she is causing a huge rift between him and I. Tomorrow I am making an appt with her dr and I am not leaving until he starts the process of finding her a home, she cannot live independently anymore. I am hoping he will be strong with her and get her onto some anti depressants which she refuses to take. I have taken a stand with her like I've never done before, and told her her behaviour is unacceptable, that I am not putting up with it anymore. I am the devil in her eyes right now, and part of me wants to drop at her feet and beg her forgiveness. But for now I am going to check out the website. I love this forum as there is such brilliant information or just to have a rant and have people understand is just the support we need....take care x
I would get her to social service asap they can place her medicaide pending if she has too much assests they can take her as private pay while she spends down her money then she will be on medicaide. If there are other family tell them what you plan on doing and if they have ant other ideas let them deal with her as long as she is out of your home is say 5 days-if she has any amount of money you can bet someone will be glad to take her off your hands.She will kill you if you continue to care for her 60% of caregovers die before the ones they are caring for-she will never change her behaivior-she is getting her way so why change-please let us know how it goes since we all learn from others here

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