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18 months ago when we knew my mom had *something* wrong but before the Alz diagnosis, I joined Weight Watchers. Even while things have gotten worse, I have managed to lose 70 pounds.

Then this summer things got worse. I was working lots of hours, mom took a turn for the worse, had house guests, etc. We used to be able to leave mom alone while we went out. So I would come home from work and be able to take a walk. That ended. She now needs someone with her all day or she gets upset. I found out that I can't even walk on the treadmill, which is in the bedroom next to hers. The treadmill is so loud that I can't hear what she says to me from the doorway, and she won't come closer. So now she sees me on it and gets upset.

For the last 5 months, I've been bouncing up and down with the same 8 pounds or so. I finally decided that had to stop. I've gotten back on track with my eating and plan time for my brother to be with mom while I exercise. It doesn't always work out, but so far so good.

As caregivers, we HAVE to take care of ourselves or we'll get sick, stressed, depressed, etc. (YOU all know.)

So what do you do? How do you try to balance being healthy with the time/energy, etc needed to be a caregiver?

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Thanks to all of you. I am so tired tonight that I will just do a little questioning. Mainly, I need sleep. I take melatonin and a prescription..(Edular)...sometimes I take xanax, but it makes me have nightmares. There really isn't anything that makes me sleepy. Sometimes I read...but the nighmares and few hours of sleep..(less than 4)...I am tired and so behind...no energy...I have plenty of vitamin shop pills.....marymember
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Mary, the way I get into the forums.... I go near the top of the page to the blue bar.... now click on CAREGIVER FORUM.... now click on SUPPORT GROUPS... scroll down and you will see all the RECENT QUESTIONS.... now go to the right of that and you will see ASK A QUESTION, click on that and follow the prompts.

To write to an individual on the forums, just click on their screen name, like your screen name is Marymember.... then you will see POST A MESSAGE, that message will only go to that person.
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Fregflyer, that is quite a load you are carrying. The road seems to get more difficult as we travel farther along. It is for sure we must take measures to keep up our health, and to get help coming in.

Marymember, you started out with a whole lot on your plate! If you cannot start another thread or question because of difficulties, just keep posting here.
OR, maybe you want someone to start a question for you so you can get the focus you need on your issues?
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I also think so many of us push off our own health care is because if we find ourselves in yet another doctor's waiting room we will scream !!!

Fast forward more than a year since my previous post, my Dad now has 24-hour caregivers and my Mom is in long-term care. Even with that I still find myself exhausted.... I find myself visiting Mom daily, with or without Dad along [trying to train Dad to ask the Caregivers to drive him], checking Mom's needs, doing her laundry... and couple weeks ago came home with a huge arm load of my parents financial information from their home of which I found out wasn't being tended too, now I need to sort through a ton of loose papers, pas-due bills, medical reports, etc.... [sigh].
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Marymember, Some settings were changed on my account, so it is not you.
If you want to start a thread, or ask other caregivers a question, look over to the YOUR ACCOUNT box on the right, click on the grey line that says MORE, then scroll down to ASK OTHER CAREGIVERS A QUESTION. Post a short question, then add to it below.

OK, just now I am noticing just above, as I am answering your question: where it says in bold: Answer this Question. Then it says: Please stay on topic or 'ask a new question.
The 'ask a new question' is a hotlink in blue, click on it! Thanks to Gladimhere for teaching me about the blue hotlink. We can all help each other, good luck marymember.
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I tried to reply to Sendme2help, but didn't get through.
Thank you for information. I am not sure how to start my own question/thread..I have been a member for awhile, and have had feedback....I am very jumpy..often I react with a scream when my husband all of a sudden is standing by me, or behind me, and I don't hear him approaching...My daughter had to have his pickup key disabled as he shouldn't be driving. He insists someone siphered the gas out and broke the window of the pickup, when in reality he broke the window of the pickup. He works outside every day, as he is a work-aholic. He mowed over seven watering faucets for the peach orchard and we had a heck of a time finding the cutoff. He has been pulling out thistles and emptying an old storage room. Everything is spread out on the ground..junk, old tools, hoses, tractor parts, etc. But he works, works, works, and doesn't spend all day sleeping in the house. He calls me his girl. I don't think he remembers we are married. I have been to a memory care home where I wil eventually place him, but that should be awhile. He has other health problems. and hates to take medicine. Anyhow, I am so fortunate to have a daughter and a son nearby. We all went to an eldercare lawyer last week and we are getting a lot of paperwork done as we will need things put in order. But I am so jumpy and it is hard to do and get everything filed and organized. I also have POA of my99year old aunt and a friend who is in assisted living. (she, my friend, has been falling a lot as she is almost blind and her balance is so poor.) It is not fun having my days filled with doctor appointments and visits and obligations. I also have a lot of friends who are homebound want me to visit them. thanks for your concern. I appreciate it. marymember
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Marymember, do get help in, that will make all the difference, lessen your worries, and free you up to have more activities that you might enjoy.

You can start your own question/thread if you are needing more ideas, then the focus can be on you and your own needs. How can we support and help you more?
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Very good information...I am so exhausted....next step is to get Visiting Angels in to help me....I'll be 80 in November and my energy level is so low..marymember
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Carol, thank you so much for your reply.

Yes, Caregiving in the 2010's is so different from the 1950's. My parents come from the old school where men went out to work and the women stayed home and cared for the house/children. I wasn't blessed with children so I continued my career because staying home, cleaning, cooking, and having the whitest white sheets on the clothes line just wasn't my thing any more.

Many times my Dad would say it is time for me to quit or retire from work to help them. I finally was able to stop Dad from asking me that question by asking him "Dad, did you quit work to help your parents or Mom's parents?".... I knew the answer would be "no". Then he understood.

My parents tend to forget that I, too, have a large house to care for, and I have my own yard work.... I pay others to help me, but my parents refuse to open their wallet to pay others to help themselves which they can easily afford. I really think at times my parents think I am still in my teens with no home or work responsibilities. I found even talking to them about my own Social Security and Medicare issues, and flashing my AARP card, it doesn't sink in..... [sigh].... but I guess that is normal.

Finding AgingCare.com has been a great help.... getting good tips on what to do in certain situations, and learning about different aspects of elder care I never knew existed as my parents never took care of their own parents, nor did I know anyone who cared for their own parents. It was like I was thrown into the deep end of the pool and didn't know how to swim.

Like my parents probably think I am half my age, I never envisioned my parents becoming elderly.
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Caregiver is not an easy job. Life can be tough especially as a caregiver you also need to take care of yourself. Sometime exercise, or take a rest, go to other places just to relax will help ease all the problems at work.
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Freqflyer, you touched on an issue that hits us all. As a writer and a voice of family caregivers, I am frequently asked to write tips on how to take care of the caregiver. They are easy to write. After all, it's common sense. Yet, doing it is another issue. I know that only too well. Good advice but how, in real life, do we implement it?

The only way is to learn to detach from your parents' issues to some degree and that is very difficult. However, sometimes it's your life or theirs.

I've spoiled my loved ones, too. It's hard to undo some of that. But insisting that they take a cab or get someone else to drive them is sometimes the only way we can get a break. They hate it. But if we don't do it we don't have a chance of relief.

People with some faith base can sometimes learn to "turn it over" - feel less alone if they feel they have a spiritual connection. I'm not saying that this is magic, but when I've been at my wits end (not rare), I've had remind myself that I believe that there is a presence who can carry the load with me. Mediating on that helps me cope.

Your last sentence is about an issue that is becoming much more common. Senior citizens taking care of senior citizens. People with their own health issues (not necessarily senior citizens) becoming frazzled caregivers of the older generation.

That is the price we pay for people living longer lives. People live longer but not always healthy enough to care for themselves. Therefore, people are becoming caregivers at an older age and staying caregivers for much longer than in the past.

When I hear "but it used to be that families took care of the elderly at home" I want to remind people that it used to be that the average woman was at home while the man worked at the job. The average parent didn't live so long that the adult "child" was a senior citizen. Things have changed, so harking back to the 50s just doesn't work anymore.

I'm not giving you any relief here except to say that I - and many people on this forum - understand your frustration. What is the answer? Get tougher, I guess. Stand up to our loved ones and look for outside help to some degree even if whine, cry and complain because they just want us.

Take care of yourself somehow. Connecting with others does help so please keep letting us know how you feel.
Carol
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I keep hearing people say take time for yourself, relax, read a book, take a walk, etc. Wonderful ideas, but how? When? How do you shut off that part of brain that worries? How does one get 7 or 8 hours of good sleep? No meds, please.

My Caregiving role is quite easy compared to what I read what others have to do for their parents/spouse. Currently all I do is be my parents driver as they stopped driving 5 years ago, they are now in their mid-90's. Go here, there, everywhere. I also get their groceries. One major problem, couple years ago I started having panic attacks when driving. I mentioned that to my parents thinking that might be a wake up call, but all they said was "but who would drive us?".... [banging head on wall].

Because I have been busy driving my parents to their many various doctor appointments, I don't have the energy to make appointments for myself.... I know I should, especially since I had breast cancer 4 years ago. It was stress related as there were no other markers. I have almost run out of vacation days and sick days at work, which were used driving my parents.... [sigh].

Anytime I mention to my parents how tired I am, that I have age related decline issues myself, and that I can't drive here or there as much as I use to... and that they might outlive me.... they look at me like my hair was on fire.

Did I spoil my parents, probably so. If only they would move to a retirement community where they could enjoy the rest of their lives and where the community offers free transportation. Then maybe I could enjoy the rest of my life, too. But they refuse to move. Maybe I will move there, as my house has gotten too big for me to handle.

Senior citizens taking care of senior citizens, who ever thought that would be the norm.
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Hi JulieWI, I am so glad you posted this because i was going to. I have gained weight for several reasons since January. My main concern is how Mom grocery shops. there are three of us but my dad's appetite is decreasing so it's more like 2 1/2. Mom still shops as if all five of us were still under one roof. Our cabinets, pantry, refrigerators and freezers are filled to the brim. if I want to make a smoothie, there is no where to put it. I am a lifetime member of Weight Watchers but I believe I have PCOS which makes it hard to lose weight. I have a dog who I take for walks but she is 12 so our walks aren't enough for me to reap the benefits. I am also starting my final year of grad school and would like to stop eating so much ( a big culprit.) I am unemployed with no income altho I try and contribute to the grocery shopping when I can, I don't have much of a say when Mom perks up her ears and has to "go pick up something because there's a sale." Also in the process of finding a new ob/gyn (thanks insurance) so hopefully I can find one I like, and make an appointment to create a plan of action. I came home the other day, there is a mirror in the hall and I did not like the image that I saw of me. good luck to you!
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GrammyM, I'm so proud of you! Please keep sharing this message.

You take very good care of your husband. As a matter of fact, I'd guess that your renewed self is perceived as a happier self by your husband, which helps him, too.

I loved your words: "This is NOT me, this has never been me. Where has the pride, the self-assurance gone! If no one else cares, I must care."

No one but another caregiver - nearly all of us on this site - can really understand. But we do. You have it figured out. Thank you for sharing this positive message.

Carol
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As a caregiver for the past 10 years, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression and weight gain. Didn't care, didn't think anyone else did either. Then, one morning after getting on the scale and realizing my weight continued to climb, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "This is NOT me, this has never been me. Where has the pride, the self-assurance gone! If no one else cares, I must care." Yes, I saw wrinkles, but I also realized the emotional scars that were deepening inside--scars the medical field doesn't see and no one could heal but me. That was the moment I changed my outlook. I wrote down exactly what I would eat, planned physical activity, would increase my gardening and time spent outdoors, have my hair done once a month, join friends for dinner on Friday nights, etc. That was 3 months ago. I am now back to my previous weight, look good and feel more confident. Refuse to permit my Alzheimer's spouse to pull me down with his insidious control and manipulation. Yes, I take very good care of him, but I make certain there is time for me. And you know what, every caregiver needs to do the same. Take time for Special You. Not only to you need it, you deserve it. There are people that will help you. Call a neighbor, a friend, discuss your concerns with your doctor,your minister or priest--perhaps a church member, an organization--put please don't wait and do nothing. Help is a phone call away. Don't feel guilty---some Alzheimer's patients love to do that. Take care of yourself. Sometimes in life that's the only person we can depend on. I will be praying for all the caregivers out there. No one knows what we go through, but us.
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I understand how you feel about needing to take care of ourselves. I'm going to try to train myself not to grab for food when stressed, bored, lonely, tired, etc. And try to get through one day. Just one good day and tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better.
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Julie: I was just thinking about my former vs. my present self. I looked in a store mirror the other day and didn't recognize myself. There have definitely been changes in my life both physically and emotionally since I started this journey. I have gained apx.45lbs. and I can feel every pound of the weight. My feet and knees hurt and it has also effected my sleep. I am also grumpier and have little patience with whiners. I, too, keep thinking that a change needs to be made, but with all this extra work ahead of me, I just do not have the motivation. I am now aiming at starting the New Year off right by exercising. I will try not to get too ambitious because it would be so easy to stop.
It is a blessing that you have a sib that will pitch in to help. Mine checked out long ago.
Sometimes I wonder how I am going to get through this period of my life (lots of other stuff happening outside of my caregiving duties). What has helped me is prayer (if you are a believer) or at least positive thinking. I joined a prayer site online...somehow putting my thoughts into words really helps. Also, when I am feeling bummed, I make a mental list of all the things that are going well in my life. This forum is on my list...the people here are awesome and so generous about sharing their experiences.
I try to do at least one creative thing that I enjoy everyday...doesn't have to be too involved. I work fulltime, but my work is somewhat creative and flexible, so that helps. My hub also pitches in - an amazingly patient guy!!
Good luck with your weight loss program...I hope losing weight gives you the motivation to continue...
Lilli
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Marion and Jonathan - thanks for the comments. I think I'm actually in a better case than a lot of people here. I work full time. From 8-12 am we have a caregiver come in whom mom LOVES. In fact, she gets upset on the weekends when she gets me instead. :-)

My brother lives with me too and he doesn't work. He has some health issues, but is there all afternoon with mom. Sometimes I feel ba coming home from work and then working out - like it isn't fair to him. But I'm doing it anyway. It's harder on the weekends. I take care of mom until 2 or so in the afternoon. Then my brother takes over so I can run errands, groceries, etc. I can't work out when it's just me, and after that I'm usually out of the house for at least a little while.

The other thing that's tough is cooking more than one meal. Mom won't eat many vegetables any more, and I eat a lot of them. But I'm getting better at it.

I am definitely not putting the weight loss on hold. How long do I wait to get healthy - 5 years, 10? I've lost 70 pounds and have about 50 more to go. In addition, I have other goals that required me to be healthier than I am right now. I'm just not going to give up on having my own life. Mom is very young (63), so this could be my situation for a long time.

Thank you
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Dear Julie,
That Alzheimer's Helpline sounds like a real winner. Hapfra is on to something. That will give you resources about your mother's disease.
Next, you need to inventory your resources. I was amazed at how many semi-skilled caregivers lived within a block of my home when my mother-in-law started needing round-the-clock care including the hours I spent at work. You might be able to do it all yourself; then again, doing it all yourself might just plain kill you, and then where will your mother be? Any help from social services agencies?
Next, prioritize your activities. Depending on whether you are 20 pounds overweight or 120 pounds, you might want to rethink controlling your body weight until your caregiving situation gets resolved. You might not have time/energy for both.
I had to separate the hurtful things my mother-in-law said when she was drunk from those she said when she was sober, because one was just a part of the disease and the other might, I repeat might, be valid. When the dementia reaches out and hurts you, please see that it wasn't your mother that did it. Your mother raised you with a million kind acts over a lifetime, each of which came from the highest part of who she was. The disease acts hurtfully, and you need to separate that from things your mother does.
You have a tough row to hoe. It's hard, and you aren't imagining it. It will take all the strength, toughness and compassion you can muster to get through it. Ask for help. You deserve it.
Warmly
JonathaninOregon
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Hi Julie, this is coolbuss again. My name is Marion, by the way.
I just want you to know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. I love this website as it helps to raise awareness that we are not alone. Some have it easier than others and I know my burden is much lighter than yours. My dad goes to bed by 9:30 and I get him up at 7:30. That gives us an hour alone before lights out. My husband is a great help but he is feeling the stress after almost 3 years.

When dad says, with tears in his eyes, that he knows how much we are giving up to care for him it definitely makes the job easier. Your poor mom just can't pull that out in her condition. So sad since she took care of her own mom.

Take care and remember to breathe!! Marion Buss
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Hi all - thanks for the suggestions. I think I'm doing OK now, was just wondering what other people did too. It was hard to work out last night. Even though my brother was there, mom kept knocking on the door while I was on the treadmill. But she was having a bad night overall - didn't want to sit down at all. And she woke me up about an hour after we went to bed. When I asked her what she wanted, she said "privacy"! Too funny.

Hap - unfortunately, we tried day care with Mom and it didn't work. Her anxiety level was too high and she was upsetting the other people there with constant crying, pacing, etc. And there is no other family. Both Mom and brother moved in with me a couple of years ago. No one else is near by.

Sometimes the hardest part is motivation. I may have the time to work out when I get home, but an tired from being at work and from knowing what I still have to do after wards (cook dinner, pack lunch for work the next day, etc.). It is often much easier to flop on the sofa and watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune with the family (we do that every night).
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Hi Julie----Finding a balance between taking care of your Mom and also yourself-can be challenging....You might want to have a meeting with other family members, and let them know of your needs and concerns-and hopefully this will give you some 'me time'...Another option would be to have your Mom attend day-care-(that specializes in dementia care) In this way-she will be taken care of, and it will give you a chance to have your needs met as well. You might (if time allows)-join a caregivers group from youe local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association-or call them on their toll free helpline-(800)-272-3900.
Best~
Hap
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Coolbuss, thats SO awesome you have your dad with no dementia, I always thought it would be that way for us because my mom took care of her mom, but was sharp as a tack! Your dad is grateful too, thats fabulous he understands that. What a wonderful life he is having, 98 ! You're lucky! and so is he!
Julie, I have 1-2 hours I can use inbetween work and picking up Mom at daycare. One is usually groceries, or dr or dentist or errands, I never get time. The ONLY thing I do do is I park at the furthest part of the parking lots whereever I do go and get in a good brisk walk. I also lost a lot by eating less but when I get stressed, I grab the food with no care. I do my best but I know my Mom wont be here forever so I do what I can and thats all I can do. A woman at the daycare has medicaid and she gets many hours free, she works out nightly, we dont get medicaid unfortunately.
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Boy! I am right with you!! My dad is going on 98 and has been with us for almost 3 years. I am 75 and the work is hard, no doubt about it. Haven't gotten help yet as my husband is always ready to lend a hand. Dad has no dementia, just weak from age, etc. Walks with a walker and uses the wheelchair for long walks,etc. Needs bathing, dressing help every day. He is always in a good mood and grateful to be living with us. Makes it hard to consider a nursing home at this time. I will be interested in the answers you get from your question. We don't get out enough as I only have a brother who sometimes will come over and sit with dad. I need to have outside help soon as I am near the end of being able to go this on a daily basis. Hugs to you. Coolbuss
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Being a caregiver is not for the lazy or procrastinators. You are constantly running while caring of a loved one, mainly doing the menial chores around the house. Not only are you doing your own laundry, cooking, cleaning, but you are doing it for them as well. And then there is doctor appointments, and trying to find ways to keep them entertained and to keep their minds active.
It is easy to "plateau" with your weight gain when you are not doing your cardio exercises, and most of the time you feel like you don't have the energy to do them and keep your heart rate up for 20-30 minutes. My advice is to do your cardio exercises BEFORE you start the day with your loved one, that way you are getting a headstart on the day and it will give you extra energy to accomplish the tasks layed out before you. You can get in a 2 mile walk in a half hour, on the 3.5 setting on the treadmill. If you can't do the half hour, then it needs to be at least 20 minutes. A little secret of mine, I take a tablespoon of metamucil dissolved in hot water EVERY night usually an hour or two before I go to bed. It keeps things "moving" and the sludge build up is non existant. Which we ALL know can make you feel sluggish and stip you of your much needed energy. Metamucil not only keeps you "lighter", it lowers cholesterol.
The problem with the noise from the treadmill can be somewhat filtered with the sound of a fan motor running or even get a piece of carpet and nail it up on the wall in her bedroom that faces that room.
I hope it works out for you. God Bless.
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I wish we all knew the answer to this. It's so easy to say and so hard to do. Hiring help, asking friends, etc. are ways that help some people. But most of us struggle. Weight gain (or loss) are common problems. Any tips out there on the forum?
Carol
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