Why do parents think the caregiver can just sweep this time under the rug with no help from family?

Follow
Share

well its been almost a year since my mom moved in with my husband and I. I still have no contact from my siblings nor has my mom. my mom health has improved some and she now goes to an adult day care 3 days a week. now that the holidays are over and here in northeast ohio the weather is very cold and snowy. She just wants to sleep her days away and now gives me a hard time going to day care. she just heard my older brother remarried and rushed home to tell me. thought i would be interested. nothing is more further from the truth. these people walked away from my mom in april of 2008 and haven't spoken to her since. they sent to very terrible letters to me accusing me of all sorts of things. mostly of being a thief . what can i steal she moved into my home and has ss of $800 a month and absolutely no savings. my brothers wife works at a salon next to the day care and came in to get one of the clients and saw my mom there thats how she found out about my brother. my family has never called her and we installed a phone line for her but she never used it so we had it removed recently. no point in having 2 phone lines in a small 3 bedroom ranch. my health has not been good recently. i have an upper respiratory. so i don't know about all these emotions. i love my mom and she really is trying to meet me half way. but the days when its all about her are coming more frequently now. i am feeling more trapped and bitter towards my siblings. what is it about bringing a parent into your home to live that others can't deal with. why do parents think the caregiver can just sweep this time under the rug with no help from family? i said to my mom she can do what ever is right for her but for now i want nothing to do with them. I have become quite comfortable just having my children,grandchildren, husband and i taking care of mom. i know i send mixed emotions here i really don't mean too but its 5am and i havent slept all night. quilt is terrible. i must add my mom has a home health aid that comes 4 days a week she could get more but doesn't want it. it isn't that i don't have any help i just can't come and go like i used to. please forgive me its just hard.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
5

Answers

Show:
Kind people on this site please write something to Kellybeen she is really at the end of her rope and I am very worried about-if anyone has any good advice or just can share with her at this time it would be fantasic she needs friends so much now for what she is going through and like most of us she is on her own-please pray for her-her situation is really unbearable at this time and does not sound like it will gwt better until that horrible person is out of her house-thank you all dear people.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

hello my dear ,,i am 49 years old . My parents had a car accienident on july almost 9 years ago..I promised them i would take care of them so I have been ..I do all the driving ,,take care of bills ,cooking cleaning of 2 housing's anything they want i myself have a husband that his health is not great, and my health is not doing well and we do not have insurance, so i learn things from the doctors that i take my parents too.My older sister does nothing ,,all she can say is i took care of them the first part of there life ,it is your turn ,,well they did not need no-one then,,when my dad falls i got to pick him up and he weights 255 that my dear is heavy,,my dad bought my sister a house and land and gave to her ,,in turn she gave to her daughter ,then they took a morgage..Then they wanted there inheritage early i fought it so far they have not gotten no money '''my sister saids if i am not getting anything why should i help..,, they live 15 minutes away,,,in one year they have come to see mom and dad 3 times 1. my sister's b-day 2. mom's surprise b-day party 3.christmas,,and me and my husband did all the cooking and still my parents did not get but 1 present and there was only suppose to be 19 to come but they brought others so there was25 and no-one help me do any cleaning up,,this is what helps me i have chickens,,dogs 1 bird 1 ferret when i am down and out i can go outside and play and talk and cry to them they always listen and some how they make me smile and plus i have a punching bag to help me relieve stress from family ..But my dear remember when it is at the end of there time YOU will sleep better cause you have done your best and NO-ONE can take that from you.sometimes you need to tell family to just back off. it sounds mean ,but they do not live in your shoes you do ,,,my child and grandbaby's do not live near ...and my husband is leaving so he can make money for us and i can't go and that saddens me ,,,but i have a 24 hour job taking care of parents ,but how i see it they need me so i do this..i also do alot of walking and crying ,,,please do not hold it in ,that can hurt you..good luck to you and my blessing is with you..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

IMPORTANT THINGS, continued:
good sleep;
exercise (REALLY - do something FUN! - It makes a huge difference!);
spending time with POSITIVE friends;
laughing;
writing or doing something artistic to express yourself;
getting outside;
drinking enough water;
praying, meditating, doing whatever you need to do to feel spiritually connected.

Don't let IMPORTANT things get skipped by only focusing on URGENT things:
washing the kitchen floor
answering the phone whenever it rings
doing laundry
going to the store several times a week instead of planning one weekly shopping
reading / watching the news every day,
ANY busy-work, etc...

It also sounds like your anger and resentment of your siblings is a huge weight on you that's not doing you any good. I know this is easier said than done, but think about it objectively. They haven't been helping, they aren't helping now, and it doesn't look like they'll help in the future. Fact, right? OK, so work with the resources that you have. It's sure as heck dragging you down to be fretting about the resources you DON'T have, and it's not helping anything at all. You're clearly spending a lot of energy on that resentment emotion, and you don't have that energy to waste. Thinking about how lousy it is doesn't make them help, and it makes everything you do throughout the day harder.

Brainstorm with your helpful family, friends, and your mom what other resources are available. There are ALWAYS other things you haven't thought of before. Could your children or grandchildren spend an evening with her so you can go to a class or do something for yourself? Is your state one that allows you to get paid to be your mom's caretaker? Can you mom spend a weekend with a family friend? What fun things can you do with your mom that would make everyday life easier to take? If your mom can have the home health aide come more often and you're burning out, then that needs to happen, whether or not she wants it.

Good luck. You know what happens to the coal when it's put under a lot of pressure ...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like you need to first figure out what you personally need to do to replentish your own physical and emotional health. Not sleeping and dealing with depression are serious problems that are sure to leave you without enough stores to take care of yourself, let alone your mom. (If you weren't aware that you sound clinically depressed, by the way, I think you should talk with your doctor about it.)

Finding a local caregivers' support group would be a great help to you.

The basics are nothing new, but caregivers often neglect their own important needs by focusing on whatever seems urgent. The more you take care of the important things for yourself (as well as your mom), the more you'll realize that many of the urgent things aren't really that urgent, and the better you'll feel.

IMPORTANT THINGS:
healthy, regular meals
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi. My prayers are with you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions