DH and I are in our 30's with two young boys and one problem teenager. We also both work FT+. A full plate and then some...
DH's mom is 67 and lives in an apartment near us. She has COPD from smoking and severe arthritis. She chooses not to really take responsibility for or really treat her conditions. She takes nothing for her arthritis, which renders her disabled. Her attitude is that it's her body and her choice. DH is her sole caretaker since she's estranged from every other family member (she's done some pretty horrible things). She refuses things that would make her burden on DH less. For instance, she often needs him to come over and help her out of her chair. She won't accept a lift chair, since she'd then see her son less. She will openly admit this.
Am I out of line here? I have told DH that he must set some boundries with her. She MUST play an active role in her health or he cannot help her. For instance, she should become medically compliant and try the drugs that can improve her quality of life so that she's not totally dependent on him. Also I've said that she needs to start paying caretakers for things that he doesn't need to be doing and doesn't have time for - such as cleaning her apartment or doing her shopping. Money really isn't the issue here, she has plenty. She simply prefers him doing those things.
I don't help her with anything, not that she'd allow me to anyway. But what happens is that I pick up the slack elsewhere and I resent it. I honestly don't think I would resent it if she COULDN'T help the situation. But the fact is, she WON'T because she LIKES depending on DH. With her declining help and refusal to do anything about it, the situation is snowballing and I'm afraid it's too late to change the rules on her.
I'm trying not to feel like a horrible, evil daughter-in-law that won't allow her husband to help his poor, disabled mother. Sometimes I think that is how it must look, even to my husband. He also feels that it's absolutely her choice what she's willing to do medically. That whole family has an irrational fear of the medical community. So he really doesn't get why it would upset me. He says that if my parents were in the same condition he'd do the same. What he fails to recognize is that my parents would ONLY be in that condition if they had no other choice.