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Hello, I am a mother of a child with Tourettes Syndrome who I homeschool because of the severity. I also have a father who has had three strokes and my mother who lives with him and cares for him.

They are divorced though! My mother has suffered greatly from his abusiveness moslty mental. She also has a son who has been very abusive into drugs and now is clean but is very effected from the abuse of using all those years.

He is very mentally controlling and he and I have had several incidences to the point of him trying to harm me. My mother doesn't want to acknowledge this as much and just wants us to get along. I am nor have I been a drug user, alcohol consumption user

. So my wits and mentality are still here. My problem is now my mother almost past away from an Upper GI bleed. She was in ICU for a week. I went to clean the house for her while she was gone so it would be nice for her to come home to. I was so upset and angry all at once.

I washed layers of smoke off of every item I could. I cleaned and I cleaned. My father soaks his bed like a minature lake every monring and throws his urinated clothes on the carpet. It smells bad. I cannot stand to be in this smoke haven

. I also have child to care for and I do not live close. My mother tells me that she cannot put my dad in a home because she depends on his check to live. I tried to get VA home health care in and she denied it saying she was embarrassed about the condition of the home but she was to weak to clean it.

So, my dad is not eligible for home health care for a year now. He needs to be in a home he is not clean nor is the surroundings. I have asked my mother to come live with us.

She doesn't want to she says I guess to my brother that I am to stressing. I wonder why! She will not do anything to help herself. So now I am left with the guilt of trying not to care, but it doesn't work it keeps me up at night.

I am not getting frustrated with my child and I never do that. I am depressed and I just want to know is it okay for me to walk away emotionally and physcially from this. I cannot help this situation and my sibling is so controlling and mentally off that I don;t know what else to do to.

I need to stay healthy and survive for my son and my husband. I have tried to hard to do what I can and nothing helps it. I don't even want to go back to that house anymore and I cannot bring my son due to the large amounts of smoke by all three of them.

Thank you for listening any advice would sure be appreciated. Sarah

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Sarah, you deserve to be happy. Really. If there was only so much happiness available in the world and your passing up your share would make more available for Mom, that attitude might make sense. But you know that just the opposite is true. If you are unhappy that causes unhappiness for your son and husband. You deserve to be happy. Your family deserves to be happy. Your mother deserves to be happy, too, but that is not your responsibility, especially if she rejects your efforts to help her in that direction. I'm glad that your mother was always there for you, and I'm glad that she is basically a very sweet person. But somewhere somehow you learned not only that abuse is supposed to acceptable within families but that you are not a valuable, unique individual fully worthy of happiness. Those are not good things to teach a child. Fortunately you are all grown up now, with a child of your own, and you can learn different truths.

I can understand a mother just wanting her kids to get along. I want my kids to get along. But playing a nice-nicey game is demeaning and does not let you be your true self. If you want to limit your contact with a controlling abusive person you have the right to do that, even if he is your brother. You do not need to play-act for your mother's happiness.

This is a very sad, stressful situation. But maybe some genuine good will emerge from it, as you learn to take care of yourself. Because you are worthy of it!
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Thank you very much for your support. Most days I have become to feel I don't deserve to be happy. I feel actually guilty to be happy when I know my mother isn't. It is a constant suffering

. I did go for help once for counselling they diagnosed me with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder with the high cost of counseling and my child's health care needs I was not able to continue.

I haven't thought of Adult Protective Services, but it might be something I am going to have to do. I never wanted to be angry at my mother, and it seems so horrible because she has always been there for me in my past and she is a very sweet human being.

But she has shown me invertantly that abuse is okay along as it is from a family member. She continues to push this sibling on me and I try very hard to keep the peace for her sake.

If not he will use her as a go between and she is too old to be done that way as though we are still children. In his delusional mind he has never grown up. He has caused a lot of pain and suffering to my family and children alone. But we still play the nicey nice game for her.

She doesn't understand why I am so angry now. She has not taken care of things financially or physically in this home.

If I mention it to her she is quick to tell me she doesn't want to go into it, or she doesn't feel well. I am sure she doesn't feel well an Upper GI Bleed is not good. But she continues to live the same old way. I just get tired of it! Thank you again I really appreciate the advice as well. Sarah
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You need to stay healthy and survive for your son and your husband. And you deserve to stay healthy and survive because you are a worthy, caring individual.

There are certainly things that could be done to help your parents. It doesn't sound like you are in a position to do them, through no fault of your own. Your mother and your brother are standing in the way of you getting help for your parents. Would you consider asking Adult Protective Services to investigate the home conditions? It sounds like there might be neglect of a vulnerable adult.

Walking away physically should be easy. Just don't go there. Don't get embroiled in futile conversations on the phone. Emotionally? I'm sure that is a whole lot tougher. Have you ever had counselling about growing up in an abusive household? This might be a good time to get some professional help. Not to "fix" you -- there is nothing wrong with you -- but to help you cope with this highly stressful situation. You deserve help.

Several members here have done the walking away and lived to tell about it. I'm sure someone will be along to tell you about it.

Good luck! Stay strong.
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