How do you keep your sanity when caring for both of your parents?

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you're suffering from burnout which encompasses not only depression but anxiety, withdrawal, irritability, etc.
Do you have siblings? A husband? How long have you been taking care of them? Do they have the finances to afford a part time caregiver from an agency to give you respite?
I took care of both my parents as well for over 4 years and there were days where I thought i was going crazy. I have no siblings to help. You're probably dealing with their dysfunction which complicates things and increases the stress that's already there! Please keep posting and sharing what you're experiencing. That's what we're here for.

Take care of yourself the best you can and know we're all here for YOU.

Hugs,

Smitty

Yeah, hi, I'm in the same boat. Well, uh, the answer to your question, is,uh, you don't basically. LOL :-) Wayne Just kidding, in order to keep your sanity, you must develop a very thick skin, have a sense of humor about things ( this comes in handy especially when things get real tough. Keep a level head. And having a beer or two.............................................or three helps to keep the edge off when caregiving in order to make it a less stressful experience. Hope this helps. And even if it doesn't, it will give people reading it a very good laugh. LOL :-) Wayne

I agree with Wayne ... you need to develop a sense of humor ... and take lots of deep breaths. Preserving your own health and sanity is important as a caregiver. Have you looked into services that can decrease the amount of time that you spend caring for them? Meals On Wheels? Senior Center? Senior DayCare? Call your county's Office on Aging ... I've found them to be very helpful. Depending on where you live, there are volunteer organizations that will visit your elderly parents, just to give you a break. The more you search for services, the more you'll find. I care for my aunt and mother, who both are in Independent housing ... same building thankfully and my husband now has health/cognition issues, so I understand how overwhelming it can be. And expensive. I finally broke down and hired someone to spend 2 hours a week with my aunt. It's not a lot but enough to save me 2 hours worth of cleaning/washing clothes. You need to make a plan because you can't go on indefinitely, it's not good for your health. And the number one rule is to take care of the caregiver first!!

Gilboa - you don't get to keep your sanity. Sorry,I'm on year 3 of caring for BOTH my parents with no help from my two siblings, not even moral support, and a self medicating mother that constantly defends them. I am officially insane. I do it all and am stuck in this hell hole. If you want to write on my wall we can chat. Bet we have a lot in common.

xo
-SS

I took care of both of my parents and it is very emotionally painful and it just drains you of your energy. I unfortunately didn't have any support from siblings and my friends who had young parents didn't understand, they just avoided me. This forum helps a lot. If you have an Area Agency on Aging, they have information on help you might be able to receive.
It's a roller coaster ride, hang in there!

I don't have both parents, but I have one who seems like about three. I know exactly what you mean, Gilboa, about being ready to go off the deep end. What helps me is this forum, a support group for caregivers - except I can hardly ever go (Lol), my husband's offers of respite, and knowing that it can't possibly last forever. Mom is very demanding, depressed, narcissistic, etc., so it doesn't matter what I do or have done, it won't make anything better. My sister had her for 4 years with me being respite for her a week once a month, then two weeks, and then all the time here. My sister has all but disappeared from the equation, but I understand now, why. This is an impossible situation but my sister also doesn't want me to spend any of Mom's money for outside help. That's too bad, because I need it and I will do it, anyway. I have lined up a caregiving agency, although I haven't used it yet. I was waiting to hear from an outpatient day program that is paid for by private insurance and Medicare, but it is for people who have depression and things like that. I am hoping that will help, but it means a 45 minute ride in the van both ways each time. I have found these things in the community, and I agree with the more you look the more you find. My Mom had a break down in front of her doctor so she got admitted into Senior Care which is a geriatric psych program. This was the beginning of some help. Your parents may not need the psych thing, but it did help with her depression to a certain extent and got her off of narcotic pain medicine.

Just remember there are many of us out there, and you just have to do what you can with what you've got as far as resouces go, and know we are all pulling for you! My sister has agreed to take Mom for a week next week and I am so excited I can't stand it!!!!!!! There are places you can take your parents to for respite, but in MS, where I currently reside, you have to be poverty stricken or rich to get those services. I don't know which state you're in but you may have better options than we do here. I probably need counselling too, but so far I haven't gotten any. This has only been going on full time (part time for 4.5 years) for me since the new year, so I can't imagine what you are going through. Hugs to you and prayers, good thoughts.

How do you keep your sanity? One minute at a time, one decision at a time. Yes, decisions, because you are making decisions. Every time you hear yourself say "I have to" do such-and-such, catch it. Stop and realize that you are making choices. If you hear yourself think "I have no choice" translate that into "Well, I'm doing this, so that must mean it's the best choice I could see right now." That will activate the problem-solving part of your brain that will go, "Wait, really?" and look for more alternatives. Not just big-picture alternatives like digging deeper into what public services are available, but even teensy alternatives to small things, that add up. Meanwhile you'll be practicing being in touch with that part of you that is making choices -- that's a good thing, because the surest route to real insanity, a real breakdown of your health, is thinking that you're totally helpless and out of control. You're not.The situation may be wild, but there you are in the middle of it, making a millions decisions a day.

Try some emotional blackmail on your sibs. Assuming you're employed outside the home, tell them you're thinking of moving out. (Considering your physical & mental health is going downhill fast, the idea of renting a room somewhere seems ... dreamy.)

Now, if completely rely on your parents for room, board, and other perks, then caring for them is your job. In that case I suggest developing some sort of support network -- e.g., inviting the extended family over every now and then, developing mutually-beneficial relationships in your neighborhood, visiting senior citizen centers for tips, and dropping by churches to identify good samaritans that do reach out to others if only to spread the Word.

Time management is of the essence, so try to get yourself and your parents on some sort of steady schedule. That should save you brain cells and the occasional trip to the shrink. Good luck.

Re; As a caregiver you have to take care of yourself FIRST.
I concur. In order to be effective, you have to be in reasonably good mental and physical condition.
However, taking care of YOURSELF is easier SAID than DONE.
It is extremely difficult, in my experience, to juggle taking care of one's own healthg while taking care of the health and well-being of two octagenarians who are in your care. Right now, my life is not my own. It belongs to THEM. But one day, I will be free, but it will be at a great loss since someday they will not be around anymore. Best. :-) Wayne

Can I join the insane club? I have been housebound so long that when I occasionally get out now I have anxiety driving. Not good! The dr put me on meds and they do nothing. In fact I had to hire someone so my hubby could go with me there on a saturday. Its not a good situation and we do keep a sense of humor and sing a lot. Moms such a sweet peach and its not her fault, its just so hard and been 5 years now. I wish she could walk or talk to me or see the TV, its sad but I spoil her well. I just hired a cna privately for $12 an hour and am training her on the weekend. Its the only salvation to keeping your sanity. If you know you have a weekend or a day off it helps. I still do the morning bathing, etc but then she can feed her (2 hours) and hoyer her into her recliner and I can get out. I use my mothers money for help and supplies but we pay the bulk of things like food and oil heat. Do hire someone like every Saturday for $100 or more, its worth it. I figure, I have to try and live my life so I dont die first, and this could go on 5 more years, we never know. Good luck to you.

I've had both Mom and Dad for 8 years now. One sister is the other end of the country and the other is disabled herself and useless to me, although she does like to tell me what I should be doing. My husband is a saint and does what he can to help me. Both Mom and Dad are mentally alert which is a blessing and a curse. Dad thinks he knows more than the Dr and plays around with meds. He won't listen to anything I suggest so we butt heads daily. The tension in the house is horendous. CNA's come 3 days a week for 3 hours but it's hard to get a good one. I really need a vacation but can't leave them alone. We have two vaca's this year one for 10 days and one for a week. Don't know what to do. I work full time and I'd rather be at work than home. I WILL NEVER DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN!!!

You cannot stay sane in an insane situation. "take care of the caretaker 1st" Let's call BS on that one. Taking care of yourself 1st is what you did before you were a caretaker. You either give giant piles of $$ to help care for your folks (if you are able), or you're miserable and flushing your life for the duration. If you've got siblings or a spouse to help, count yourself as lucky as if you were wealthy. The only way to take care of yourself ..is to do just that. At some point I'll have to abandon my folks to the horrible services for indigent elderly in Houston, or I'll be a complete and utter waste of a person. I've been in 1 1/2 yrs...and my teeth are going pretty fast, especially as they need more & more. (Don't be old, handicapped & poor in a red state). Also..don''t try to be sane..not and do this thing. It's a bit of crazy forced on us by increased longevity in medicine and austerity in social policy. Escape if you can, get ready for the slow suicide of caregiving if you can not.

I know what you mean. My doctor also prescribed meds for me, but after taking them a while, I stopped. I am not normally depressed; it is my situation as a caregiver that is doing this to me. But I have since changed my perspective. Yes, my life caring for my mother has not changed, but my attitude has. I will care for her, but in the process I will NOT be a victim anymore. I've learned to laugh -- even writing a humor book about it -- and now keep an emotional distance from the situation. Yes, it is possible to do that. But you have to choose that you will not let this situation slowly kill you. Only you can make that decision. Once you do, trust me; you'll find an inner peace you never knew existed, even when your parents would drive others insane with their behavior and situation. Good luck to you! Steve

I find being a bubble head helps. I just do what I can and accept that this will never be enough. Say Oh Well, it's more than the sister's are doing. My biggest regret is I have missed 8 years of my grandchildrens life. They are all going into middle school and high school now and I'm not the favorite grandma. I was for a couple of years and then life as I would like it ended. I pray that by the time this is over I won't be too old to do something with my life. We are retiring in 2 years. It may be selfish of me but I want my time!!

I read alot. I have read more books in the last 2-3 years than I have my whole married life (25 years). I steal 5 minutes here and there during the day to read a section/chapter. I can lose my self in the story. Sometimes I like to do word puzzles. I focus so hard on solving the word problem, that I am able to let go of my anger, frustration, and depression. When I solve the puzzle I feel elated at my success, and it renews my strength to conquer the rest of the day. I pray alot for the right words to say, wisdom in my decisions, strength, and rest.

Gilboa1708 . . . medications are not a fix. They can help you cope through a difficult situation but they may also hinder a person from making important, painful decisions.

Before I moved my mother to a nursing home I was caring for her 24/7. Alzheimer's took away her ability to care for herself in every way. She couldn't remember what she did 5 minutes ago and she became an angry woman.
Although she was living with my father in an addition to our house I still needed to provide all her care. My father was incapable and intolerant of her decline.

Hiring someone to bathe her helped as far as the safety issue yet frustrated her even more. It progressed to the point where I felt the need to sleep on their sofa to be closer by. I had to stop working and my family on the other side of the house were on their own.

When my father ended up in the hospital for heart disease related issues my world collapsed and I called my doctor to prescribe meds for me so that I could cope. I felt like I was trying to keep balls under water.

Long story short - my mother is an Alzheimer's unit at a great nursing home which her SS and Medicaid are paying for. She's happy again - partly because she's away from my father, mostly because her needs are being met by people who actually know what they are doing.
My father is the one needing care now (he's 97) and I do the minimal for him. I have a bad history with my father. He's always been selfish and an emotionally abusive man. I will not be sleeping on his couch or attending to his toileting needs. The thought repulses me.
He has been offered every option available to make his life easier but refuses all of them. Would I like to go on meds again - YES. But I need to make a sound decision for him and for the well being of my family.

Ughh . . .Many of you do so much more than I would ever be willing to do. If we lived in a tribal culture we'd all help each other out but in our culture caring for elderly parents doesn't work very well.

To stay on topic I also felt out of control and invisible until I made the necessary changes for my mom. Now I'm there again with my father. I'm stronger now.
He will be moving soon as his physical condition is declining quickly. I'll probably need to use my DPOA to place him in the nursing home because he's fighting me on it all the way.

Life is difficult . . .we learn . . we grow. Hopefully coupled with compassion for those we care for and mostly for ourselves.
Be well and don't lose sight of your own needs.

I can sympathize! I am new to this. My parents are rapidly deteriorating due to alcoholism. I was not expecting this. But together, they have quickly become a burden in just six months. I am an only child and have to take them on together. We spent all day in the ER yesterday. I have no real advice to give, except that I am quickly learning to slightly detach and keep myself strong. You must take care of yourself first, you have no choice but to be the strong one everyday.

I know the feeling. I have both parents. My dad is only mildly confused at 88, but my mom is in full blown dementia, has O2 and respiratory problems, sleep apnea, diabetes, delusional... that is the big one! She makes stuff up and my dad believes it! (And gets mad at me!) It drives me insane! Yesterday she kept wanting to "go home" even though they have lived here for 13 years now. She kept wanting to call "home" to have my dad come and get her. I told her he was in the next room napping, and if she called it would only call here anyway.... this went on for 3 hours non stop. We tried distraction and diverting her attention, changing the subject... nope. She would grab the remote for the TV and try to call.... I would explain what it was, and that she was indeed the one turning the volume up on the TV as she was getting annoyed by it! Anyway, my dad comes out and she tells him how I kept HANDING her the remote telling her it was a phone! :( He believed her. :(

Yesterday it was the "baby" she had in the attic that she needed to care for, but she didn't have any supplies! She was so worried as the "baby" hadn't eaten anything in 3 weeks. NOTHING worked to get that out of her head. Later she had a Dr appt and I mentioned it and she looked at me like I was the crazy one. ???

I know the "is there an end to the tunnel??" I am tired, I am sad. I am mostly depressed that I have given up 2 years of my life living here full time caring for them. I have given up everything I have, no income, nothing. My money is gone. And as a thanks from my 4 siblings? 2 of them are conspiring against me telling everyone who will listen that I am taking advantage of them. That I am abusing my parents and stealing their money?? Next week my mom's brother is coming to "visit" due to those conversations. I am not looking forward to it. We have never been close. I just pray it goes well. I am in knots already and don't think I can take the critisisms right now. I am at the end of my rope. I am glad I can care for my parents....as a nurse, I am the most qualified. As a nurse...I DON'T want them in a nursing home. Been there, worked there.... not good. Not going to happen.

And if you don't have the money for day care or help... ???

I am also in the same boat. I'm a single woman with no children, siblings, or family other than my parents. After about 2 years of feeling like my head would explode every day, I realized I had to stop. We have caretakers, because while my parents are, surprisingly, in a position to pay for that, we are not wealthy, and I have to work, so I've always had that, but being new to the game, I was letting them run me rabid. But you are in the middle of this crisis, and my approach then had been just get through it...just do whatever has to be done to get everybody happy. Well, that does not work. When I finally realized that this was not going to be a temporary thing, but the way it would be for the foreseeable future, I had to start doing things differently. Now I DELEGATE DELEGATE DELEGATE, and kind of approach it as if I actually lived in another town. A funny thing happened. My father's health actually improved. I know that there was a time when I would have read this and said, yeah, but that won't work for me, but it did. And I so know what you mean about this being so much more than depression. I also read a great book, "A Bittersweet Season". Don't remember the author, but it was a great book. This place has been a great help too.
There is a light there, it's just blocked right now. It'll come clear.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

Try doing this for 16 years! :-) LOL W

First 8 I was working @ a full-time job. NOW my full-time job is taking care of them. I'd like to see what my life is going to be like if and when they both reach 90! Wish me luck! :-) W You need nerves of steel to do this job! :-) W

One of my best friends cared for both of her parents for about 10 years, they were really bad for about 4 years. She kept her sanity by talking to me, she was not aware of groups or otherwise, but she had one friend that she could vent on.

We have known each other for years and I wouldn't bail on her just because she was caregiving not my style. So find someone or a friend that will listen to you and talk to you. You need someone to talk to.

There are other great ideas in this group, having a sense of humor is very important as well. And remember why you are doing what you are doing.

I believe in dear friends and this group! The people on this site are great and I have told a couple of my friends that are caregiving about it. We all go through similar challenges, we are happy to listen and share what we do.

Good luck, remember you can get through it and your parents deserve respect in their final days!

I am sorry about your situation, caring for our love ones can be tedious and emotional draining, but you need to take care of yourself too.There is no way you can do this without any break. When you start feeling burnout or depress,it is the time to pay someone or if you have sibling let them help out until you are strong enough to continue taking care of them. Go out, pamper yourself and if you really have the time and money go do some of the courses on care of the elderly. Just take it easy and take each day as it comes. Everything is gonna be alright but you need other people to help you out as well

I have been in the same boat you are in. My siblings lived 1500 miles away; so no help. I would cry myself to sleep most nights from exhaustion. Remember one important thing: YOU need to make sure to take care of yourself first. It is hard to do, but you have to.
If you become sick, then who will take care of your parents. There is help though. Just look up DSS. They are great and can help with almost anything.
Also, don't forget to keep up with your favorite activities. That is very important. Go see a therapist if you have to. Someone who will listen and be able to give you help. That is what I am doing. It helps to have someone less, and not judge you. Plus, you need to get help. You can't do it allow. Trust me; been there, done that. I became burnt out and am almost there again.
You need to have a journal to write down what you are feeling. Look for support groups. Know how awesome you are for Caregiving for 2 parents. It is a very hard job. But, it is very rewarding. I have learned so much patience and kindness. My mother had a stroke and is disabled. My father has Dementia, and his organs are starting to shut down.
It came to a decision that I seriously had to think about. So, I did something that broke my heart. I choose to grant my Dad's dying wish. I sent him to his family in WA State. It was the hardest decision of my life. He was so miserable, and wanted to see his family again. He was with me and my mom 1500 miles away from his family. Knowing that it would be the last time I hugged my Dad; really affected me; but in the end I knew I had made the right choice.
I fought my siblings every step of the way, and finally got my mom to realize how happy he would be. He has since gained weight, everything is stable, and he Skypes my mom all the time.
In the end, we only get our parents for a certain time; so enjoy what time you have left. Listen to what they want, and make sure to become POA. It is very important. I have and will always follow through on what my parents asked for.
Think on how you would want to be treated.
Good Luck, and God Bless you for the awesome job you are doing. Hang in there.

The answer for me has been supportive siblings and time away. When I feel I'm losing my grip - I get away from my Dad. I'm in year 3 with him - he came to live with me when my Mother passed away from colon cancer. I cared for her for 2 years before her death. Medication and alcohol are not good solutions for me, but 'to each his own'. I gain perspective and relief from the walls closing in when I get out in nature or go for a drive. Use their money to pay for help and don't expect them to understand your need for time away. Just do it! Keep in touch. God Bless!

you need to realize that you are in this situation for a reason and that you are doing great. next find a way to relax- smoking works for me and after i smoke i have a great attitude and can handle the pressure with ease. the herbs are here for us for medicine. use it. do not take the doctor prescribed drugs unless you want to end up crazy and mean and unable to care for your parents at all. smoke a marijuana cigarette (1-3 per day as needed) and the rest will fall into place. if you disagree with me then i am sorry and if i have offended you i am sorry but i am serious and it will change everything for the better. alcohol on the other hand will ruin everything. please let me know how it turns out. good luck and stay positive. dont get down and if you do -i already told you how to fix it. ; )

My heart goes out to all of you and my hat goes off to all of you, too. I don't know how you do it. I can barely handle my husband's moods and behavior issues now, and I don't have have of the physical problems to deal with yet. I know that is coming, but I'm already half crazy and very, very scared.

i know its so hard ,but you need to do what you have to do to help them the best way you can.when things get to bad just think ,will if i make them feel better,then things will get easy to handle,it was so hard for me to handle my mother when she was bad but i know i had to help her ,so it went ok for me to do what i have to do ,it was easy on her and we.and we did good ,and i am trying to talk to her because she is having hard time through this so i try to talk to her and her as much i can .i try to let god help me too ,help her and me to handle this.

Wow, just when you think you are alone, and you come across others, who are going through the exact same thing that you are. I have two disabled parents, who are in their late 60s. I am actually taking care of my mother, who is a diabetic2 and stroke victim, which left her paralyzed on her who right side. Having suffered from a major stroke, it has affected her mentally as well. She's bed ridden, and is unable to ambulate on her own at all, which leaves me with a lot of stress, frustration and little help from family members. Thinking about the tough decisions and sacrifices I had to make to make...words can not describe how I feel. I m just full of rage, b/c I rather be sitting in a class room furthering my education, than to be home taking care of parents, who don't want to try and apply themselves. I love my mother with my whole heart, but I am missing out on life of opportunities. I live in Texas, and the state no longer pays individuals for taking care of their loved ones due to fraud. So, I m with an agency called Life Span Hm Health, whom under pays me for the hard work I do. What's 10 hrs per wk? I don't get to take a break. I do this 24 hrs, 7 days a week. I was working 15, but they reduced it. It's ridiculous.