How do you keep your sanity when caring for both of your parents?

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you're suffering from burnout which encompasses not only depression but anxiety, withdrawal, irritability, etc.
Do you have siblings? A husband? How long have you been taking care of them? Do they have the finances to afford a part time caregiver from an agency to give you respite?
I took care of both my parents as well for over 4 years and there were days where I thought i was going crazy. I have no siblings to help. You're probably dealing with their dysfunction which complicates things and increases the stress that's already there! Please keep posting and sharing what you're experiencing. That's what we're here for.

Take care of yourself the best you can and know we're all here for YOU.

Hugs,

Smitty

You cannot stay sane in an insane situation. "take care of the caretaker 1st" Let's call BS on that one. Taking care of yourself 1st is what you did before you were a caretaker. You either give giant piles of $$ to help care for your folks (if you are able), or you're miserable and flushing your life for the duration. If you've got siblings or a spouse to help, count yourself as lucky as if you were wealthy. The only way to take care of yourself ..is to do just that. At some point I'll have to abandon my folks to the horrible services for indigent elderly in Houston, or I'll be a complete and utter waste of a person. I've been in 1 1/2 yrs...and my teeth are going pretty fast, especially as they need more & more. (Don't be old, handicapped & poor in a red state). Also..don''t try to be sane..not and do this thing. It's a bit of crazy forced on us by increased longevity in medicine and austerity in social policy. Escape if you can, get ready for the slow suicide of caregiving if you can not.

I agree with Wayne ... you need to develop a sense of humor ... and take lots of deep breaths. Preserving your own health and sanity is important as a caregiver. Have you looked into services that can decrease the amount of time that you spend caring for them? Meals On Wheels? Senior Center? Senior DayCare? Call your county's Office on Aging ... I've found them to be very helpful. Depending on where you live, there are volunteer organizations that will visit your elderly parents, just to give you a break. The more you search for services, the more you'll find. I care for my aunt and mother, who both are in Independent housing ... same building thankfully and my husband now has health/cognition issues, so I understand how overwhelming it can be. And expensive. I finally broke down and hired someone to spend 2 hours a week with my aunt. It's not a lot but enough to save me 2 hours worth of cleaning/washing clothes. You need to make a plan because you can't go on indefinitely, it's not good for your health. And the number one rule is to take care of the caregiver first!!

How do you keep your sanity? One minute at a time, one decision at a time. Yes, decisions, because you are making decisions. Every time you hear yourself say "I have to" do such-and-such, catch it. Stop and realize that you are making choices. If you hear yourself think "I have no choice" translate that into "Well, I'm doing this, so that must mean it's the best choice I could see right now." That will activate the problem-solving part of your brain that will go, "Wait, really?" and look for more alternatives. Not just big-picture alternatives like digging deeper into what public services are available, but even teensy alternatives to small things, that add up. Meanwhile you'll be practicing being in touch with that part of you that is making choices -- that's a good thing, because the surest route to real insanity, a real breakdown of your health, is thinking that you're totally helpless and out of control. You're not.The situation may be wild, but there you are in the middle of it, making a millions decisions a day.

Try some emotional blackmail on your sibs. Assuming you're employed outside the home, tell them you're thinking of moving out. (Considering your physical & mental health is going downhill fast, the idea of renting a room somewhere seems ... dreamy.)

Now, if completely rely on your parents for room, board, and other perks, then caring for them is your job. In that case I suggest developing some sort of support network -- e.g., inviting the extended family over every now and then, developing mutually-beneficial relationships in your neighborhood, visiting senior citizen centers for tips, and dropping by churches to identify good samaritans that do reach out to others if only to spread the Word.

Time management is of the essence, so try to get yourself and your parents on some sort of steady schedule. That should save you brain cells and the occasional trip to the shrink. Good luck.

Can I join the insane club? I have been housebound so long that when I occasionally get out now I have anxiety driving. Not good! The dr put me on meds and they do nothing. In fact I had to hire someone so my hubby could go with me there on a saturday. Its not a good situation and we do keep a sense of humor and sing a lot. Moms such a sweet peach and its not her fault, its just so hard and been 5 years now. I wish she could walk or talk to me or see the TV, its sad but I spoil her well. I just hired a cna privately for $12 an hour and am training her on the weekend. Its the only salvation to keeping your sanity. If you know you have a weekend or a day off it helps. I still do the morning bathing, etc but then she can feed her (2 hours) and hoyer her into her recliner and I can get out. I use my mothers money for help and supplies but we pay the bulk of things like food and oil heat. Do hire someone like every Saturday for $100 or more, its worth it. I figure, I have to try and live my life so I dont die first, and this could go on 5 more years, we never know. Good luck to you.

I know what you mean. My doctor also prescribed meds for me, but after taking them a while, I stopped. I am not normally depressed; it is my situation as a caregiver that is doing this to me. But I have since changed my perspective. Yes, my life caring for my mother has not changed, but my attitude has. I will care for her, but in the process I will NOT be a victim anymore. I've learned to laugh -- even writing a humor book about it -- and now keep an emotional distance from the situation. Yes, it is possible to do that. But you have to choose that you will not let this situation slowly kill you. Only you can make that decision. Once you do, trust me; you'll find an inner peace you never knew existed, even when your parents would drive others insane with their behavior and situation. Good luck to you! Steve

Gilboa1708 . . . medications are not a fix. They can help you cope through a difficult situation but they may also hinder a person from making important, painful decisions.

Before I moved my mother to a nursing home I was caring for her 24/7. Alzheimer's took away her ability to care for herself in every way. She couldn't remember what she did 5 minutes ago and she became an angry woman.
Although she was living with my father in an addition to our house I still needed to provide all her care. My father was incapable and intolerant of her decline.

Hiring someone to bathe her helped as far as the safety issue yet frustrated her even more. It progressed to the point where I felt the need to sleep on their sofa to be closer by. I had to stop working and my family on the other side of the house were on their own.

When my father ended up in the hospital for heart disease related issues my world collapsed and I called my doctor to prescribe meds for me so that I could cope. I felt like I was trying to keep balls under water.

Long story short - my mother is an Alzheimer's unit at a great nursing home which her SS and Medicaid are paying for. She's happy again - partly because she's away from my father, mostly because her needs are being met by people who actually know what they are doing.
My father is the one needing care now (he's 97) and I do the minimal for him. I have a bad history with my father. He's always been selfish and an emotionally abusive man. I will not be sleeping on his couch or attending to his toileting needs. The thought repulses me.
He has been offered every option available to make his life easier but refuses all of them. Would I like to go on meds again - YES. But I need to make a sound decision for him and for the well being of my family.

Ughh . . .Many of you do so much more than I would ever be willing to do. If we lived in a tribal culture we'd all help each other out but in our culture caring for elderly parents doesn't work very well.

To stay on topic I also felt out of control and invisible until I made the necessary changes for my mom. Now I'm there again with my father. I'm stronger now.
He will be moving soon as his physical condition is declining quickly. I'll probably need to use my DPOA to place him in the nursing home because he's fighting me on it all the way.

Life is difficult . . .we learn . . we grow. Hopefully coupled with compassion for those we care for and mostly for ourselves.
Be well and don't lose sight of your own needs.

I am also in the same boat. I'm a single woman with no children, siblings, or family other than my parents. After about 2 years of feeling like my head would explode every day, I realized I had to stop. We have caretakers, because while my parents are, surprisingly, in a position to pay for that, we are not wealthy, and I have to work, so I've always had that, but being new to the game, I was letting them run me rabid. But you are in the middle of this crisis, and my approach then had been just get through it...just do whatever has to be done to get everybody happy. Well, that does not work. When I finally realized that this was not going to be a temporary thing, but the way it would be for the foreseeable future, I had to start doing things differently. Now I DELEGATE DELEGATE DELEGATE, and kind of approach it as if I actually lived in another town. A funny thing happened. My father's health actually improved. I know that there was a time when I would have read this and said, yeah, but that won't work for me, but it did. And I so know what you mean about this being so much more than depression. I also read a great book, "A Bittersweet Season". Don't remember the author, but it was a great book. This place has been a great help too.
There is a light there, it's just blocked right now. It'll come clear.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

I have been in the same boat you are in. My siblings lived 1500 miles away; so no help. I would cry myself to sleep most nights from exhaustion. Remember one important thing: YOU need to make sure to take care of yourself first. It is hard to do, but you have to.
If you become sick, then who will take care of your parents. There is help though. Just look up DSS. They are great and can help with almost anything.
Also, don't forget to keep up with your favorite activities. That is very important. Go see a therapist if you have to. Someone who will listen and be able to give you help. That is what I am doing. It helps to have someone less, and not judge you. Plus, you need to get help. You can't do it allow. Trust me; been there, done that. I became burnt out and am almost there again.
You need to have a journal to write down what you are feeling. Look for support groups. Know how awesome you are for Caregiving for 2 parents. It is a very hard job. But, it is very rewarding. I have learned so much patience and kindness. My mother had a stroke and is disabled. My father has Dementia, and his organs are starting to shut down.
It came to a decision that I seriously had to think about. So, I did something that broke my heart. I choose to grant my Dad's dying wish. I sent him to his family in WA State. It was the hardest decision of my life. He was so miserable, and wanted to see his family again. He was with me and my mom 1500 miles away from his family. Knowing that it would be the last time I hugged my Dad; really affected me; but in the end I knew I had made the right choice.
I fought my siblings every step of the way, and finally got my mom to realize how happy he would be. He has since gained weight, everything is stable, and he Skypes my mom all the time.
In the end, we only get our parents for a certain time; so enjoy what time you have left. Listen to what they want, and make sure to become POA. It is very important. I have and will always follow through on what my parents asked for.
Think on how you would want to be treated.
Good Luck, and God Bless you for the awesome job you are doing. Hang in there.